melancholyxx
New Member
- Mar 23, 2023
- 4
Hi, I posted a bit then died then I'm back now. This thread is just me bitching and moaning.
I'm currently typing this while laying in bed after a relapse. It feels good because I missed this but the guilt of relapsing never goes away so here I am. I have words and mumbles I just want to let out somewhere so here I am again. Hello. Things were manageable for a while so I focused on that. I've been on the hard grind with dancing, my passion. It's the only thing that's been keeping me going. I've lost more friends, got into more boy drama which is always sooo fun. I'm being sarcastic. I'm tired of this. It sucks knowing that you're wanted but not wanted enough to actually not be played..? My mother and I are at an all time low. She started crossing many lines I never thought she'd cross again. She's using my past against me but when I do it, " I wasn't there so I wouldn't know ". I've tried talking about it to this guy whom we kinda have something going on but he doesn't get it. I don't blame him, he seems to have a good relationship with his mother. It's good that he doesn't understand really. I dislike that I even brought her up in the first place because it really really really feels attention seeky. I know my goal isn't to seek attention. I know that the stuff I need to talk about are genuinely because I feel like if I don't have an outlet for it somewhere that then I'd explode. But the feeling just never goes away. I've given up on making new friends. I'm known by a lot of people in my city but not known enough to be close with anyone. It's not like I have a good reputation anyway since my ex dragged that shit to the ground. Speaking of, he came back into my life recently. It was a shitshow. Things were okay but then we weren't. We'd go from laughing and reminiscing to screaming at each other to crying and apologizing to slamming the door at each other. He's out of my life now but he keeps trying to get back in. I can't let him back in. I found out that he lied about a lot of things and hid stuff from me in the short time we were talking again. I was honest the entire time. Now he knows how I got played, he knows the vulnerable truths I just know he'll share to his best friend who loves to shit talk me. I get it, I'm her best friend's ex. Of course she wouldn't like me. But this girl goes to crazy lengths just to make my life more difficult. I want to run away. I want to leave this stupid city but I have nowhere to go. I want to quit this life but I don't. I want to kill this bullshit situation with everyone. I want to kill the horrible people in my life. I want to kill the hurt and pain I let myself go through. I want to start new. I don't want to die, I'm so young. I do and I don't, y'know? God this vent is so wordy and repetitive but hey it's a vent it's supposed to be messy. I want friends.
Getting sleepy. I'm gonna go nap? End of small vent sorry again for the messiness I just had to let some of the things in my mind out.
I'm currently typing this while laying in bed after a relapse. It feels good because I missed this but the guilt of relapsing never goes away so here I am. I have words and mumbles I just want to let out somewhere so here I am again. Hello. Things were manageable for a while so I focused on that. I've been on the hard grind with dancing, my passion. It's the only thing that's been keeping me going. I've lost more friends, got into more boy drama which is always sooo fun. I'm being sarcastic. I'm tired of this. It sucks knowing that you're wanted but not wanted enough to actually not be played..? My mother and I are at an all time low. She started crossing many lines I never thought she'd cross again. She's using my past against me but when I do it, " I wasn't there so I wouldn't know ". I've tried talking about it to this guy whom we kinda have something going on but he doesn't get it. I don't blame him, he seems to have a good relationship with his mother. It's good that he doesn't understand really. I dislike that I even brought her up in the first place because it really really really feels attention seeky. I know my goal isn't to seek attention. I know that the stuff I need to talk about are genuinely because I feel like if I don't have an outlet for it somewhere that then I'd explode. But the feeling just never goes away. I've given up on making new friends. I'm known by a lot of people in my city but not known enough to be close with anyone. It's not like I have a good reputation anyway since my ex dragged that shit to the ground. Speaking of, he came back into my life recently. It was a shitshow. Things were okay but then we weren't. We'd go from laughing and reminiscing to screaming at each other to crying and apologizing to slamming the door at each other. He's out of my life now but he keeps trying to get back in. I can't let him back in. I found out that he lied about a lot of things and hid stuff from me in the short time we were talking again. I was honest the entire time. Now he knows how I got played, he knows the vulnerable truths I just know he'll share to his best friend who loves to shit talk me. I get it, I'm her best friend's ex. Of course she wouldn't like me. But this girl goes to crazy lengths just to make my life more difficult. I want to run away. I want to leave this stupid city but I have nowhere to go. I want to quit this life but I don't. I want to kill this bullshit situation with everyone. I want to kill the horrible people in my life. I want to kill the hurt and pain I let myself go through. I want to start new. I don't want to die, I'm so young. I do and I don't, y'know? God this vent is so wordy and repetitive but hey it's a vent it's supposed to be messy. I want friends.
Getting sleepy. I'm gonna go nap? End of small vent sorry again for the messiness I just had to let some of the things in my mind out.
