Venting Idk how I'm expected to keep living when I have nothing to live for

[mofkiy]

Living has always felt overwhelmingly painful for me, and I struggled with suicidal thoughts my whole life. I never had a sense of purpose growing up and I certainly never planned to make it this far in life. When I finally thought I found a reason to hope for the future, my relationship with my boyfriend, I thought that I found my way, finally found a reason to live, a goal. That was until we broke up 49 days ago (yes I've been counting lol) after knowing each other for 5-6 years. You can imagine how it completely shattered me and made everything worse
I'm not really in a good state to provide a detailed explanation of what I'm feeling rn as I'm in the midst of a breakdown, but know that it's extremely bad. I'm experiencing a profound despair and now I'm absolutely certain that I want to die. I don't have any purpose, goals, or passions. I feel entirely devoid of motivation, he was all I had left, and now he's gone.
I don't want good things to happen to me, not only because I think I only deserve suffering, but also bcz every good experience eventually ends. I really don't wanna go through the joy of something good, only to lose it later and end up completely shattered
Wish dying was easier and simpler, I'm genuinely so tired, I contribute nothing and have only been a burden to those around me, ending my life would relieve both my sufferings and theirs