Realizing I’m the problem

[coolcow1289]

I've been fighting very hard for years. I always had something to blame for my misery. Covid, stuck in school, hated my job, far from home, living in a remote area, etc. I just kept grinding away, trying to fix my situation.

I recently accepted my dream job, close to home, in a great city.

So now I can finally come to terms with the fact that it wasn't my environment. I'm a miserable person. I'm the problem. I'm more miserable now than before, and I don't even have anything to fight for anymore.

But I'm not a quitter. If I'm the problem, then I'll solve that one too. I'll be catching the bus in about a week. I'll have an opportunity to do it in a way that it'll look like an accident.

 

[SASU-KE]

Same here. Life is excellent, but I'm miserable. I had a bucket list thinking that checking items off that list would make me happier. Nope.

I thought traveling would make me happier. Nope.

I have realized that I just won't be happy. There will come a time when enough is enough for me

 

[coolcow1289]

Same here. Life is excellent, but I'm miserable. I had a bucket list thinking that checking items off that list would make me happier. Nope.

I thought traveling would make me happier. Nope.

I have realized that I just won't be happy. There will come a time when enough is enough for me

I get that exactly. I went through the traveling phase. But the world really isn't that interesting. I do miss Alaska though. I lived there for a few years, and it fit my personality.

Really my whole life has been finding ways to distract myself from misery. Going on 30 mile hikes, starting a million hobbies, curating my environment so I never am alone with my thoughts.

I was less miserable when I was broke and cold and isolated. Because at least then it made sense and I could rationalize it. Now I'm surrounded by sunshine and rainbows and I'm still miserable, which makes it that much worse.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Honestly I like to blame others for causing my suffering when in reality the only reason I suffer to such an extent is because of my bpd, because of my own brain.