003
One step closer
- Aug 22, 2024
- 64
I don't have the guts to CTB. I've tried, I just can't go through with it. I feel like a coward.
The only way I have managed or tried to stay is by keeping myself busy and working. I'm a full time college student working a full time job and a side job on weekends; I work 60 hours a week most weeks, and have to go home to my shared apartment to do more work.
My roommate has no job and splurges all her money while expecting me to pay half of it. I've spoken to this about her but she just expects me to. She is from a well off family, and I'm not. Her parents pay for mostly everything in her life and it makes me fucking sick. I'm at my wits end, and I feel like I'll lose my closest friend.
I come from a single parent house hold and have been supporting myself for years, my parent does not work. I have been expected to care for the household the moment I started working.
I do not want to go back home but I can't keep working as much as I am with virtually no support. I'm also partially disabled and some of my goals I've been unable to achieve because of it and it pisses me off.
It's so fucking unfair how life treats others. I hate that some people can splurge and grew up getting everything they fucking wanted while others have to fight paycheck to paycheck and sacrifice everything just to live.
I'm tired of not being able to enjoy life but being too terrified to do something about it. It's not fair and I'm tired of pretending it's okay. Every day I wake up with anxiety or panic and hope it will be different but it isn't. I couldn't afford shit, so I picked up two jobs and became a full time college student just to keep my thoughts locked away. I need a break but if I do I'll end up in the same situation I was in. The busier I am, the less I have to think and feel.
I'm a coward and I can't do this anymore, I've asked for help multiple times but it feels empty. I feel alone and my thoughts eat away at me when I'm not busy. I wish I could shut off my brain just for a bit.
Even if I suddenly woke up and my financial struggle would be gone, I doubt my feelings of self hatred and loneliness would go away. I just can't do anything and I feel like I'm alone in a world that wasn't meant for me. I wish things worked out for me. I feel as though I have this huge pressure on me and as a people pleaser I feel like I have to keep the act up but I can't. I'm exhausted. Idk what to do. Every day I feel slower and less and less motivated.
The only way I have managed or tried to stay is by keeping myself busy and working. I'm a full time college student working a full time job and a side job on weekends; I work 60 hours a week most weeks, and have to go home to my shared apartment to do more work.
My roommate has no job and splurges all her money while expecting me to pay half of it. I've spoken to this about her but she just expects me to. She is from a well off family, and I'm not. Her parents pay for mostly everything in her life and it makes me fucking sick. I'm at my wits end, and I feel like I'll lose my closest friend.
I come from a single parent house hold and have been supporting myself for years, my parent does not work. I have been expected to care for the household the moment I started working.
I do not want to go back home but I can't keep working as much as I am with virtually no support. I'm also partially disabled and some of my goals I've been unable to achieve because of it and it pisses me off.
It's so fucking unfair how life treats others. I hate that some people can splurge and grew up getting everything they fucking wanted while others have to fight paycheck to paycheck and sacrifice everything just to live.
I'm tired of not being able to enjoy life but being too terrified to do something about it. It's not fair and I'm tired of pretending it's okay. Every day I wake up with anxiety or panic and hope it will be different but it isn't. I couldn't afford shit, so I picked up two jobs and became a full time college student just to keep my thoughts locked away. I need a break but if I do I'll end up in the same situation I was in. The busier I am, the less I have to think and feel.
I'm a coward and I can't do this anymore, I've asked for help multiple times but it feels empty. I feel alone and my thoughts eat away at me when I'm not busy. I wish I could shut off my brain just for a bit.
Even if I suddenly woke up and my financial struggle would be gone, I doubt my feelings of self hatred and loneliness would go away. I just can't do anything and I feel like I'm alone in a world that wasn't meant for me. I wish things worked out for me. I feel as though I have this huge pressure on me and as a people pleaser I feel like I have to keep the act up but I can't. I'm exhausted. Idk what to do. Every day I feel slower and less and less motivated.
