I feel I longer can be responsible for myself anymore. Life was always kinda way too much.
For some context, I'm a Syrian living in Kuwait. I'm a 28 year old man, diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Growing up, my family did everything in their power to make my life miserable. Not for once have they thought to give me genuine medical attention even when I have severely cut my arms when I was 14.
Kuwait treats all the expats on its soil as sub human. You can imagine how much more terrible someone like me is treated especially me having the cute and fun disorder of ADHD. people think that I'm just goofy, they have no idea what a nightmare it is when you don't have the basic control of your attention that everyone seemly has.
No one that I know understands how my bare minimum functioning is a living hell. I'm constantly in state of burnout. When I wake up, no matter how much I sleep, my body is using all of its might to keep me chained to my bed. On weekends, I only leave my bed because I need my caffeine, otherwise I wouldn't move.
I work so hard to pretend to be normal, to do something with my life. My anatomy is that I'm a blind man forced by society to pretend that I can see.
Despite everything, I managed to graduate from university, get a job, get really strong in the gym, have a circle of friends. Even though I hated my job, I tried my best to be good at it. I have learned so much and got certified in my field. But no matter what I did, it just made me more numb. I felt like I was losing so much of soul just to maintain this job. There were no accommodations for me, I was treated like I was like everyone else. Because I was actually competent when I wasn't burnt out, I just had more work thrown at me. I said yes every single time because I felt so insecure about who I was.
I knew I was against a system that won't recognize my disability. So I kept saving my money. I applied to so many universities in Europe, hoping that would leave for a more inclusive society. I got rejected time and again by so many universities, I kept trying. Finally, one university accepted me but the visa got rejected because I'm Syrian….
I'm just tired. I can't take this anymore. No one understands me and the few who do, they can't do anything to help.
I really tried to make my life work. All I feel now is this unrelenting anger. I'm angry at myself, the world and my family.
At myself because I'm incompetent. At the world for putting me in this impossible situation. At my family because they simply refuse to understand.
I have decided to Cbt. In my experience, things don't get better.
What makes me explode with anger is this notion that I'm not allowed to give up for some reason.
Survival apparently is the ultimate good. You survive at the cost of everything, even if that includes your own wellbeing.
You know what? I'm lazy, I have learned to be helpless, I'm weak and pathetic.
I'm all those things and more. But no one can force me to live. No one can rob me of my own dignity.
All of this black mail won't work. I'll either live with my autonomy and vanish.
This is what my life is about and no one can take that away from me
For some context, I'm a Syrian living in Kuwait. I'm a 28 year old man, diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Growing up, my family did everything in their power to make my life miserable. Not for once have they thought to give me genuine medical attention even when I have severely cut my arms when I was 14.
Kuwait treats all the expats on its soil as sub human. You can imagine how much more terrible someone like me is treated especially me having the cute and fun disorder of ADHD. people think that I'm just goofy, they have no idea what a nightmare it is when you don't have the basic control of your attention that everyone seemly has.
No one that I know understands how my bare minimum functioning is a living hell. I'm constantly in state of burnout. When I wake up, no matter how much I sleep, my body is using all of its might to keep me chained to my bed. On weekends, I only leave my bed because I need my caffeine, otherwise I wouldn't move.
I work so hard to pretend to be normal, to do something with my life. My anatomy is that I'm a blind man forced by society to pretend that I can see.
Despite everything, I managed to graduate from university, get a job, get really strong in the gym, have a circle of friends. Even though I hated my job, I tried my best to be good at it. I have learned so much and got certified in my field. But no matter what I did, it just made me more numb. I felt like I was losing so much of soul just to maintain this job. There were no accommodations for me, I was treated like I was like everyone else. Because I was actually competent when I wasn't burnt out, I just had more work thrown at me. I said yes every single time because I felt so insecure about who I was.
I knew I was against a system that won't recognize my disability. So I kept saving my money. I applied to so many universities in Europe, hoping that would leave for a more inclusive society. I got rejected time and again by so many universities, I kept trying. Finally, one university accepted me but the visa got rejected because I'm Syrian….
I'm just tired. I can't take this anymore. No one understands me and the few who do, they can't do anything to help.
I really tried to make my life work. All I feel now is this unrelenting anger. I'm angry at myself, the world and my family.
At myself because I'm incompetent. At the world for putting me in this impossible situation. At my family because they simply refuse to understand.
I have decided to Cbt. In my experience, things don't get better.
What makes me explode with anger is this notion that I'm not allowed to give up for some reason.
Survival apparently is the ultimate good. You survive at the cost of everything, even if that includes your own wellbeing.
You know what? I'm lazy, I have learned to be helpless, I'm weak and pathetic.
I'm all those things and more. But no one can force me to live. No one can rob me of my own dignity.
All of this black mail won't work. I'll either live with my autonomy and vanish.
This is what my life is about and no one can take that away from me
