Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[NoRespawn]

I had to search a while now to find this thread. My suicidality is currently 9. I think about killing myself tomorrow morning. Yesterday I saw all my closest friends again. I think my search for a girlfriend is utterly hopeless. I feel so broken I cannot even listen to music. I am so broken. I am lost for words. I think I cut the connection to my two closest friends. I don't want that they have to witness it. I have my SN here. I wish I could take it this evening. In the evening I am more suicidal. But I have not fasted. Let's admit it with my mental health I will never have a girlfriend. I am turning 27 soon and I am close to the half of Infinite Jest. The woman I met treated me like dirt this evening. My suicide certainly won't be an act to traumatize her. I think she will not care anyway. And I think that's better. I saw all my closest friends recently. They mean the world to me. I am so so fucking glad I met them. But I will ruin their lives. I hope my family won't be angry with me. I tried I really tried to prevent it. I feel so ashamed. I also don't want a goodbye thread. I just want to be forgotten. I am in so much pain I can't listen to music. There is void and emptiness in my head. I cry like a baby but I also feel somewhat calm. I could not have played the cards I have been dealth with better. I have the feeling I have reached my limit. I cannot stomach more of it. I read in most suicide cases there happens a narcisissistic injury to their prior attempt. And this is like the 50th time this happens. I am tired I am so so tired.

If I do it tomorrow in the morning. I asked my mom whether she is at home and she replied no. I will need determination. I don't want that this is an half-ass attempt. I want that it's over. I don't need more pain. I need peace. I deserve peace. Everyone has a limit. I have met a lot of wonderful people here who committed suicide. I don't know whether this is enouh pain to do it. To go through with it. I cannot re-think the decision once I took it. But there needs to happen something. And I already tried everything. I tried all the therapy and medication in the world. I had countless clinic stays. I don't want to live a life alone. I simply don't want to. But I am condemned for it. I was in a clinic 4 months ago and I told them I consider to kill myself in October. I thought the whole year if I kill myself then in October. It is interesting I talked with the woman I met today about God. And she believes in him. Honestly, she treated me so fucking badly. I told her I don't believe in God. I cannot believe in a God that treats the good people good and the bad people bad. I have seen too much. She is not worth to kill myself and I know that. Damn she wanted to leave her boyfriend for me. She played with me. However, I don't want revenge or anything. It was rather a thoughtless act of her. My parents have done this to me. And they will have to stomach most of the pain when they realize their child is dead. It is also no revenge on them. I simply cannot endure this anymore. I spoilered to many people that I might do it soon. I tried to prepare them. I have to think about all the good people I met on here who committed suicide. It is not an act because I was in so much love for this woman. It is rather a rational suicide. This pattern repeated countless time with women and let's be honest the desperation only grows with each new narcissistic injury.

If all my pain has told me one lesson it is hoping for the best and doing something in good faith is not a good idea. If I kill myself I have to carefully execute this plan. I have to go through with it once I took it. There is no going back once I took it then. If I take it I just cannot stop. Nothing will hurt me anymore. All the pain will stop. All this insane pain that is going on in my head since more than a decade and that will continue if I don't end it. My mom has heart problems. I don't want to witness the aftermath tbh. This one argument that stopped me thus far. But they did so fuckimg much bullshit in the past also in a very irrational manner. Why cannot I be impulsive one god damn time?

@noname223 damn.



ranges from 5-10, anytime I see any easy opportunity to delete myself it's an instant 10, only thing keeping me from doing so is there are some games i wanna play before i go, places i want to see, and drugs i want to indulge in.

 

[Demian]

9

 

[JustAnx]

Today i feel like i'm at a 6.

Woke up, prepared my breakfast and while eating my mind was going about logistics

 

[Nero999]

This morning 7 to 8. Now, 2.30pm about 4

 

[depthss]

11

 

[deadeyesnowman]

10...

It really tells something when I ask people to NOT celebrate my birthday and waste their meaningless birthday wishes when it is my funeral instead.

 

[zenirsar]

9... Originally I planned to it in december but I feel like I'm gonna attempt it way sooner.

 

[JustAnx]

Good morning. Last nite my SI went up a little bit, but it was most out of fear and anxiety so last night i think i was at 5.

Today i'm at 7 i think or 6.5 idk

 

[Valhala]

7 - 9

 

[Tiny Little Fairy]

Up until last week it was a 6

Now it just went up to a 9

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

A moderate 5-6 most of the day. One of my friends being on a high horse all day isn't helping. Passively suicidal recently, but I hide it well, I think.

 

[__dystop1a__]

10

 

[8more2go]

Past couple weeks it's been a 2-3, baseline level of "well ideally I wish I was never born and maybe some day in a few years I'll pull the trigger, but for now Im having a good time", but as of today it's shot up for a 6 or 7, as in actively wishing I could do it, knowing that I have a method on hand, and still not really feeling up to doing it quite yet. Skipped like most of work today, and I gotta go back in tomorrow.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

8.

 

[j1nxxb0yjj4ke]

8-9, maybe 10?
I want to die, oh god..

 

[PA𝖨𝑁]

it's been an 8 this week

 

[limerance1]

solid 4 aka background music equivalent of suicidal thoughts

 

[pilotviolin]

6-8 i have been losing the plot to the point its useless to talk anyone or post about it in depth because itd be delusional gibberish or not self aware emotional word vomit

 

[wellitisnotwhatitis]

Honestly now it's hard 7, tho I managed to take it down to like 3 for several months. Now everything is crumbling again.

 

[OldManOfTheLake]

5, if I get the bad news I am dreading it's going to 1000 lol.

 

[whywere]

Today 9

It took over 2.5 hours to fill 1 prescription for chronic pain as the pharmacy was in total disarray from the get-go.

Finally had a SUPER gracious RN nurse come with me to the pharmacy and get them straightened out.

Walter

 

[sanctuary2]

4

 

[zulu123]

Today about a 6 or 7. Most days 8 or 9.

 

[DeathFool]

9 . I hope I die before new year

 

[death's_door]

It's a roller coaster between 7-8.5/9.

 

[Kassender]

i´d say 9 right now because i´d like to think 10 is when i finally jump off the ledge

but it´s constant lately, i don´t do anything anymore but scroll on my phone, wishing i was dead

 

[fishtan]

Probably a 7, I think about it in heavy detail but I am not ready to actually do it yet.

 

[Speedygonzalez]

I'm a 5 today. Household tasks kept my physical body busy which in turn helped. It's when I'm laying in bed like now that the thoughts of ctb come on heavy. Doesn't help that the girl I'm with stuck me in an open relationship and is out with other guys all the time having sex.

 

[SA1994EC]

It is between 7 to 9 chronically. I wish it were 10 to stop the pain.

 

[Buffy]

Today is an alright day, so a 4.