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This evening 5. But in the morning way higher. The pressure is really crushing me. I am literally imploding. I have extreme stress in college and I cannot cope with it anymore. I have to study so much that I decided to make more than what I usually allow myself. Usually I study 5 hours a day. Today it was 7-7,5 hours. I have made some progress but there is so much more to do. However 1,5 hours after I started studying my concentration was fully gone and I felt like I had lost orientation. Kind of manic agitation which increases my anxiety even more. Highly nervous and scatterbrained. Gave me a 30 minute break and finished at least some exercises. At the evening I took a half benzo and damn that saved me. The anxiety is way less and the nasty anxiety inducing agitation is so much less. I am glad I have not gone all out on lorazepam so far. The lowest dosage still works pretty damn good. I think I will take it daily in the lowest dosage till the major stress is over. Otherwise my health is really in danger and the complete lack of concentration is pretty scary. The anxiety, the agitation, being scatterbrained are all part of my psychotic episodes.
Holy fucking shit I hope I can manage it. I am such a wreck. However I think I played it well today. Due to the fact I made at least some progress I feel like I am more in control of the situation. The lack of control is extremely anxiety inducing and triggers me so fucking much.
7 or 8 right now. I have no energy and I feel sore all over, so I just have no interest in life right now. The only reason my suicidal thoughts aren't up to 9 or 10 is because I feel too tired to even mix the drinks that are supposed to take me out. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up again without having to do anything to make it happen. It would be so nice if it was that simple.
Down to a 2/3. I've been feeling better lately ironically enough because I got sick. I've just been in bed the past few days and the burden of keeping up with regular tasks has been alleviated, it has allowed me to think things through and sit with myself. Suicide still crosses my mind multiple times a day, and I'm always making small considerations surrounding multiple plans / methods. I know that I'll probably relapse into suicidal ideation, but I've been less impulsive and psychotic. I've actually been having the drive to work and study the past few days, so if I can keep up a routine when I get better there might be hope for me. I just want to function properly, see out these few months and find out if living properly is worth it. Still wish I had died in my previous attempts.
My life quality is so fucking bad. I am very very sure without the addictive medication I would have collapsed weeks ago. I will keep sedating me until the major stress is over. The pressure is insane. I really hate it. However I have to say my sleep is very good and that stabilizes me. The combination a half benzo and a half z-medication stabilizes me a lot. But I won't use it more than 1,5 weeks. It is way too dangerous. The whole things scares the shit out of me. But I have to say the medication makes me pretty numb. I don't feel much manic.
Something that was prety frightening how horrible my concentration was without that benzo. I don't really know why? I am probably far far beyond my limit. And that my limit is that low is pretty bad. I think I will have less courses the next semester. I don't want to end like a junkie.
Down to a 2/3. I've been feeling better lately ironically enough because I got sick. I've just been in bed the past few days and the burden of keeping up with regular tasks has been alleviated, it has allowed me to think things through and sit with myself. Suicide still crosses my mind multiple times a day, and I'm always making small considerations surrounding multiple plans / methods. I know that I'll probably relapse into suicidal ideation, but I've been less impulsive and psychotic. I've actually been having the drive to work and study the past few days, so if I can keep up a routine when I get better there might be hope for me. I just want to function properly, see out these few months and find out if living properly is worth it. Still wish I had died in my previous attempts.
It's kind of weird how that works - being sick makes you feel better because no one can force responsibilities on you until the illness goes away. I had the flu a couple weeks ago and it was like that for me too. Barely suicidal back then, just a lot of sleeping, getting high, and binge watching old shows on Roku. The first day without a fever, everything went to shit and I wanted to die again.
Not sure how to rate my suicidal thoughts today. 8 maybe? It's really high, that's all I know.
I was at maybe a 3 a few hours ago. Thought it would be awesome to try to do something fun so I made food and started playing GTA on Steam. I'm currently resting at a solid 6 at least, maybe 7.
Aaaaaahhhhh shit I'm 7 or 8 today, up from 1. I don't feel much emotion about it, but it's more about... I'll maybe talk about it later, but it might be the only sane solution to a tricky problem
I want to *whap* the universe on the head with a rolled-up newspaper. (Do they still sell newspapers?) Bad universe!
5 feeling manic despite all the medication. Not sure whether this idea will backfire. I want to numb me until the major stress is over. Next semester I will probably take less courses. This shit is pretty scary and dangerous.
I have sleeping issues despite the fact I take so much to sedate me. That is frightening. I am fucking anxious and fragile.
My own is low, around a 2 with most of that being from the stress of seeing people I care about suffer. But I'm here trying to better understand my friend who seems like he is at a 9 and is very seriously considering ctb
6,5. Not severe suicidality. But I am going through hell. The pressure is unimaginable. It is even hard for me to eat regularly which is very seldom in my case. Taking benzos and z-medication. And they kind of help. Without them I would have relapsed weeks ago,
I am very scared about addiction I think I will analyze my current behavior with my psychiatrist. It seems like I am falling into bad patterns again. Fuck my life. But hell the lorazepam saves me. It is really a hellish medication.
I think a solid 4 is average for me while I'm distracted. But anytime my day is ruined because I happen to accidentally see my reflection, turns into an instant 10.
5. Very scared about addiction and the withdrawal. I am so extremely anxious just the reasons for it seem to change from one to the next.
Horrible life quality. Too many responsibilites in order to become acute suicidal though.
I don't think I could pick a single number for the whole day. In the morning I feel more hopeful, maybe a 5. At night the sadness overwhelms me and I am 7-9
9 for me since yesterday. I ordered SN. Too drained to search for the rest needed though. I might take it by itself if it was here already, so drained and exhausted of living I feel
I had to ask myself... "Would i CTB right now if i could?" And the answer is a resistant yes, so about an 8.5.
Been obsessing over SN for the past week straight. Time is passing by so slowly yet so fast as a result- the days are just blending together due to these thoughts.
10. I am so determined to do the deed that the next 3 months I am going to jam my head with different psychedelics as a last resort form of medication. If the ideation does not change, I am out
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