Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[Gossamer]

A solid 8, I'm not going to do it as of now, but I'm definitely planning it and feeling like there's not other way out for something like me. A lot of guilt and shame are consuming my thoughts.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Funny that it just gone to 10 but whatever. I' m sure this happens a lot. Or not. What's triggering me I can't change obviously and I just been subjected to it.

 

[Drakkamora]

8 but quickly heading towards 10

 

[Elio24]

6

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

10 - I cannot do this anymore

Too debilitated / Carer-Gatekeeper blocks CTB

Already 2 failed attempts

Trapped in horrifying hell

 

[noname223]

5. Started with college again. I fucking hate my life. I don't want anymore.

I have too many responsibilities to kill myself now but I just cannot go on in case I relapse. I am done. This shit isn't going anywhere. My life is a torturing machine. My OCD and perfectionism are tormenting.

I am desperate. I want to have a better life. I fight so hard. But I am a deeply broken person. I have so fucking much anxiety and major issues. It is eating me alive.

Holy fuck why me. Why did all these nightmarish things happen? Someday I will be at peace that comforts me. But I am fucking anxious how deep rock bottom will be the next time.

 

[savoytruffle]

8/10 visited family the urgency returned full throttle

 

[zrjrzj_no_hope]

Started with a 5 this morning because I was still affected by my failed impulsive act a day ago, but gradually progressing to a 10 again as that fear is fading.

 

[reverse03]

8. Holding on until next week.

 

[Ringo]

7, I have come to the acceptance that these will be my last months if I get the remaining materials for my method.

 

[peacetime]

Im mostly at 5 now and occasionally go to 7. Going through a good period but its still shit and I want my sn sooner rather than later.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

9

 

[TraurigerClown]

25/10....i just want to go so badly

 

[je.suis.prêt]

5 today. I occasionally have days where it goes to 9.5 rather suddenly making me feel impulsive.

My SN is on the way, it is held up due to strikes in the UK. I think about ending my life every day, and nothing will make the thought of ending my life comfortable.

Besides this fear/discomfort, I occasionally have bouts of hope for around what life could be like in the future, things like; somehow pulling through and being successful, working out and having a nicer body, being in a relationship and having sex, etc…

Without this discomfort or these bouts of hope, I would be constantly hovering at an 8.

 

[WorthlessMoron]

Honestly, most of the time, I'm at a state of "Eh, whatever. Can always kill myself whenever I want to, so I'm just going to keep on living for awhile." which I think would probably be a 3 or a 4, but lately, I think I'm at 7 ("Fuck this shit all of this is pointless what the fuck am I doing? I'm just distracting myself because I'm too scared of killing myself." ) and almost near 9. My family is really stressing me out lately (not going to go into detail about this). If I wasn't such a fucking coward I'd have done it a long time ago. Been planning this shit for like 3-4 years by now I think. Fuck if only I had a gun or N or SN or a better anchor point than a fucking door hinge, and if I lived alone, I'd probably be less scared of doing it.

 

[spinningship]

8

 

[emptybox]

9/10
Have everything ready.
Would be 10 but -1 for still struggling with survival instinct and caring about others more than about myself.

 

[vultureilse]

around 6 or 7 today

felt quite alright today but i spent such a big amount of time planning and fantasizing about my death

usually i feel like killing myself is something that i NEED to do but im beginning to view it in a more positive way i actually cant wait until the day im able to do it. i start feeling so happy everytime i think about it

 

[LesbianCarpetPython]

things have been getting better for me for the last month which is why i haven't been using the forum lately. i still think i'm gonna go out by suicide but i'm in no rush at the moment

 

[MidnightTrain]

Around 6 today

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

7. In bed hiding from life. Will be forced to get up soon. For now safe.

 

[noname223]

4. Feeling better than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty pretty bad.

My weight is too low. I don't want to lose further weight. So I bought some high calorie food. I enjoy that.

I hope I can sleep today longer. Still I am extremely anxious on a daily basis. But yesterday was really tormenting. I pressure myself way too much.

 

[noname223]

4,5. Feeling way too manic. Cancelled an appointment which gives me more time to breath. I am feeling fragile. Though I will take emergency medication to cope with it. I could sleep well yesterday. I hope I can continue that. The exams come closer and my anxiety as usual climbs through the roof. It is hellish.

 

[Meaninglessness]

I have postponed my suicide for a long time. Every week I think that I am going to kill myself no later than Sunday that week, but on Sunday survival instinct takes control over my behavior. Drugs don´t work. Meditation doesn´t work. Determination doesn´t work. Meaninglessness doesn´t work. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to get the survival instinct out of function. I also have health problems which make the method difficult to perform, but I have no better method to choose from. I don´t know what to do. But I know that the method will work correctly performed. The fear of death hinders me. I will probably die from old age if I don´t kill myself and I have never wanted to grow old. Life is too long for most humans - what most people can expect is to live 80 - 90 years, but the human body doesn´t hold that long. However, the day dragonfly lives only one day! People should have the right to euthanasia - death is the most difficult thing we have to go through. The policy in the time which we live in now is very bad. The best I have done in my life is not to have children - than at least someone will not be tormented for years before death occurs. Suicidal thoughts: 10.

 

[sincerelysad]

7.

 

[FrozenMango]

7-8. I'm pissed

 

[tchaik18401893]

8-9/10 Looking forward to ctb but anxious about whatll happen afterwards

 

[arcadia]

I'm at a 7. I'm actively considering going to a jumping site soon and feel it'll occur impulsively any day now.

 

[Ghostofthepast]

Mine has been been a 5 to a 8 for months now its so exhausting hiding it and acting normal when all i want to do is hang myself

 

[silence ends]

8-10, tried overdose last week and going for SN soon