I was talking with a coworker today and was wondering... How do people just hang out? They just go out and actually do things together, they have fun, they have stories. I have to really muster up the effort to try and hang out with my friends, and it's generally out of guilt because I've been isolating myself. I put on a fake smile and try really hard to be fun to be around. I try so hard to be in the moment but there's fog and just a bubble of sorts keeping me distant, detached. I feel so alone even when I'm with my dear friends. Even when we're laughing and clowning around, I feel like it's not happening. I feel like I'm in a dream.
I end up angry at myself and upset because I just don't have fun, I feel like a fraud and a burden by simply being around people, even though I know everyone else is working hard to put on a show too. I feel exhausted after an hour or so, even with my friends. It's a horrible experience.