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I often look at my old blogs diaries , sure ,I was no writer but I miss the way I was able to express myself .
Nowadays if I put my thoughs into words it's just a mess .
I feel like my brain just doesn't work anymore , when I speak to someone in person I'm a complete mess , a stuttering nonsense ..
So many times I've written things only to delete them bc why bother ?This sounds dumb , they would think you only want attention .
Sometimes I miss my 15 year old self , back then even if I had suicidal thoughts I somehow knew how to suppress them .. back then I could easily distract myself as long as I was alone .
Reactions:
Deleted member 19654, Deleted member 4993 and KleinerWolf
A fake smile here, a fake smile there. Being among people is not just about pretending to be interested, but about being alive and it is exhausting. Everything is fake.
Woke up to something upsetting and triggering being put on the television.
I put some white noise on and I'm trying to stay distracted so no one gets suspicious. They get so mad when something upsets me, it's not worth bringing up. Sometimes you hear about people whose friends and families give a shit about stuff like that and I wonder what's wrong with me.
Another fucking day :(
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Georgii, Deleted member 4993, Deleted member 19654 and 1 other person
My mum is trying to set me up with her friend's son. I just want to be left alone because he won't stop messaging me. I have to be nice because our parents are friends but I really don't want to talk to him. He won't stop asking me questions about me and life and it's so annoying. I understand that it's because he wants to get to know me but I'm just not interested.
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Circles, KleinerWolf, Deleted member 4993 and 1 other person
What happens if that delusional, narcissist, Bunker boy lose in this upcoming US presidential election? Will he blame Xi Jinping and NUKE the entire China?
"I need to stop saying I am going to end my life, and instead actually end it! Every day that passes makes me older and more withered; if I do not go ahead with it soon I will miss another chance."
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KleinerWolf, Deleted member 4993, BitterlyAlive and 1 other person
I was talking with a coworker today and was wondering... How do people just hang out? They just go out and actually do things together, they have fun, they have stories. I have to really muster up the effort to try and hang out with my friends, and it's generally out of guilt because I've been isolating myself. I put on a fake smile and try really hard to be fun to be around. I try so hard to be in the moment but there's fog and just a bubble of sorts keeping me distant, detached. I feel so alone even when I'm with my dear friends. Even when we're laughing and clowning around, I feel like it's not happening. I feel like I'm in a dream.
I end up angry at myself and upset because I just don't have fun, I feel like a fraud and a burden by simply being around people, even though I know everyone else is working hard to put on a show too. I feel exhausted after an hour or so, even with my friends. It's a horrible experience.
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Uselessbulimic, KleinerWolf, Deleted member 4993 and 3 others
I don't like having my personal space invaded and it just feels awkward, especially if there's a height difference lol. I can tolerate it if it's a friend but I prefer to be left alone
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NeverGoodEnuff, Circles, KleinerWolf and 5 others
i want to try weed. i know the effects vary from person to person, so there's no guarantee it would make me feel any better, but you won't know if you don't try.
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ecmnesia, TheSoulless, Circles and 2 others
I just want to speak my mind. I am so done pussyfooting and sugarcoating and mincing the words, constantly trying to only say the thing the other person wants to hear. You know what? I honestly believe it should be okay for me to say what I think as long as I am not directly insulting anyone or telling other people what to do.
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Uselessbulimic, TheSoulless, KleinerWolf and 3 others
I look at people who have it easier than me and I goes "FUCK!"
then I look at people who have it worse than me, and I goes "FUCK!"
lol. bit of a shitshow, still gotta get higher up though.
That's the point of the game for most people anyways.
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Deleted member 4993, TheSoulless and Circles
my sn came yesterday. i realized that i'm not as comfortable with death as i thought. funny how i've been preaching to people about accepting death, and yet i can't truly be at peace with the fact that i won't exist anymore.
you always want something until it's within your grasp. maybe it's not the thing itself you're in love with - maybe it's the unattainability you're attracted to.
it doesn't matter what i want, though. i have to die. i have to die for my sins. it doesn't matter if i don't want to die. i can't possibly walk this earth any longer and pretend i haven't done any wrong. i can't forget what i've done again. i have to die. death is the only way i can be forgiven.
Reactions:
Deleted member 4993, KleinerWolf, nerve and 6 others
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