Since then, my feelings of loneliness have only increased and I have failed to maintain any new connections despite trying my best.
I'm so so sorry to hear that snail
. I'm glad that at least you were able to form new connections <3; that is real, and the ability to meet new people and start those first buds of connection, the ability to do that, that means something ♥. New connections can be hard to maintain, I feel you on that
. I was wondering if I could maybe ask you about some recent past experiences of yours in this; because I know every situation and connection is different, and I want to hopefully provide some understanding or at least comfort on what happened
.
I think one of the reasons why experiences of thwarted connection are so painful, is because it can be really fucking hard to figure out
why it didn't work out. I feel that explanations there are often complex and have multiple variable, but that it
is possible to discover some kind of understanding within them that can help us in coming closer to the embrace of enthusiastic, secure connection
.
I think it's time for me to accept that there really is something fundamentally wrong with me and that it would be best for me to take my life.
I understand that when we have repeated negative experiences, repeated periods of comforting connection followed by disheartening absence, when we experience this pain over and over to the point where it lingers in the spaces between our days and works of hands, that one can be driven mad of course by the pain but also the utter confusion of
why it happened.
Why did they leave?
Why are they not responding?
Why aren't they ready to hangout?
Why did you tell me to come in the first place?
Why did you tell me to come in the first place?
Why did you tell me to come in the first place?
(The ocean washed over your grave)
Why did you tell me to come in the first place?
(The ocean washed open your grave)
Why did you tell me, why did you tell me, why did you?
Why did? Why did? Why, why did ya?
—Famous Prophets (Minds), Car Seat Headrest
I understand that when you find yourself in situations where you try to get what you truly want, and repeatedly have that reaching out met with short bursts of presence and then radio silence, in this maddening silence and absence, there can be such a maddening confusion of this crazening inability to "figure out" what happened. If only I could just "figure it out", then I could
do the
right thing, and make them stay. And it's easy, when we see no other explanations around us, in a state of prolonged pain and lack of results, to look around and see nobody but ourself, and to blame this one factor, and regard it as the prime possibility for where the problem lies. "Maybe I continue to experience thwarted connection because
I'm fucked up."
There is nothing left for me here and I clearly don't add anything positive to the lives of others, otherwise people would keep me around.
It is possible for others to find positive and even appealing characteristics within us, and yet still have that connection fade. Why? Because the lives of people are complex and have many changing and dynamic factors within their own life or within the lives of the people that they know, that can influence the direction of their social activity—variables we may be unaware of. And a lot of the time in newer connections, we may not be aware of these deeper life events that strongly influence their activity. Maybe someone graduates from one school to another and has massive changes in their social life or academic life that end up changing which circles they spend their time in and the people they have in their life. What if they also had to cut off other connections with people they truly enjoyed being around, as a result of those changes, as well? What if it's more than an individual "fuck you", but a symptom of a change in their life?
What if they
did feel certain positive influences from you in their own life, but there were logistical variables that introduced interference in the bond between you and them? Perhaps they switched jobs and got a new time schedule that didn't align very much anymore with yours. Or they experienced a period of economic peril that compelled them to take up multiple jobs, leaving less time to respond, explain things, and spend time. Or it could be that both of you met in a location or space that was already pretty remote for them distance-wise and they decided to stop going there for other reasons, or silently decided "this person is really good and I would love to spend time with them, but it's just so far and I can't afford the gas and the time; I don't want my studies and expenses to fall behind".
A lot of the time someone slowly moving away is
not because they judge you as inherently worthless, but because of interfering variables in
their life that came between you and them. But from our point of view, we struggle to figure out what happened, and all the information we have about them is
the interactions we had. When we try to figure out why they aren't reciprocating, we look to the only source of information: past interactions. And we may then think "well, they seemed happy—maybe the mistake is
us‽‽". This is not because we are "stupid" or "selfhating", but because it is computationally really difficult to figure out something with
limited information.
Especially something as complex as desires and motives in a specific connection. There are causes for connections fading that are
outside of you <3<3. That means that it's not your fault
.
Some people resonate stronger with you than others, snail. And honestly, I think that two people can find each other absolutely fascinating, and amazing, and highly value each other, yet still drift apart. Why's that? It's because the flow of our lives is influenced by a lot of things.
Developing secure connections is more than "finding cool people" and "being cool". It also has a lot to do with
proximity. Proximity is how "close" you are to someone in your usual routines. For example, if you sit in a class with assigned seats, the person who sits
right next to you has
really high proximity!! You two would have super high proximity for like the whole year!! And let's say after the lecture ends both of you sit around for 15 minutes and chat about stuff. Maybe they may be absent one day and the next day they will ask you for notes. And maybe if they struggle to understand any concept in the lecture, maybe they will ask
you about it! So you see, just being in the same "current" as someone just naturally opens up a ton of opportunities to spend time with them.
en.wikipedia.org
And it just so happens that when we repeatedly see a person, over and over again, we can end up feeling a greater familiarity and even
preference for this person! So you may feel completely uninterested in your theoretical seatmate at first, but perhaps after a few weeks, day in day out, you may find yourself feeling relatively chill around them. And then maybe after a month or two, you may find them quite neat! And they can easily feel the same way as well. (Of course that is given that both of you have a baseline of safety and comfort around each other of course ^^.)
Neurons that fire together, wire together. We seem to have a slight natural aversion to complete strangers; where we feel a little bit on edge. If you meet someone over and over again, and you are both sharing space and sharing time, EVEN IF you do literally nothing but sit next to each other and listen to the same lecture, that develops a baseline of safety, leading to some baseline of trust. So after a few classes, you find something a bit hard to understand in class, you may feel like you've "developed" "enough familiarity" with that person to justify being able to engage them. So the more you just
see a person—not even necessarily
interact—the more at ease you feel around them. (Given that there is nothing about them that may make you feel unsafe, of course; I mean the kind of reasonable person who respects common boundaries and treats with common kindness and other such usual behavior :).)
So what does this mean? It means that our level of social interaction is not just from "social attractiveness". (I mean that word in a general sense: to "attract" comes "ad-" (towards) + "trahere" (to pull, drag, take).) Being socially fulfilled is not from being "super cool" and magically attracting everyone toward you, causing them to immediately spend time with you and generally provide a fulfilling social life. Being socially fulfilled is a lot more about putting yourself in the trajectory of "social flows". Let's turn that sentence into plain English. Imagine someone who goes to school, college, or work; who constantly spends time around their classmates or coworkers. Even if this person may consider themself of low value, they are in an environment where they are running into other people constantly; and more importantly, the
same people, over and over again. There is a secure
cast of people. (If you will, the kind of social bonds experienced by literal theatre actors over the course of a play, in those months and countless sessions of stage rehearsal, is absolutely one worth noting. Even
first time theatre actors there find themselves in quite a curious atmosphere!!)
And the natural state of stageplay rehearsal essentially always involves periods of
downtime as well: because in most stageplays you pretty much never have all of the cast on stage all of the time. So you have a lot of people waiting in the wings—or, in more informal environments—perhaps in the audience seats as well!! And that fact of downtime is true in principle for the vast majority of such environments, often even "formal" social environments too. Coworkers can easily have a few minutes of downtime between tasks. Students can have a few minutes before class before the teacher starts speaking. And, of course, actual breaktime is a common place where people actually meet and discuss too—where assigned lunch periods or lunch breaks can create situations where people are naturally just existing around each other, relatively freed up—which often results in conversation. That is not a matter of attraction; but a matter of
environment.
I clearly don't add anything positive to the lives of others, otherwise people would keep me around.
I want to assure you, my forumgoer snail, that social interaction is far more than cold-hearted cost–benefit analyses <3. It is far more influenced by matters of "happening to be around one another", and spontaneus whims, than absolute assessments of "human value" that totally dictate all interactions and connection qualities
.
It is possible to be around other people without feeling like you have to "prove yourself" to be "worthy" of their presence
. However I understand how that feels. There are people who you will find enjoyable to be around, and among those people there will also be those who find
you enjoyable as well :). Just existing around another person, just doing what you like to do, just expressing how you like to express, just discussing what you like to discuss; that is an entire world in itself ♥. An entire world full of different things, habits, curiosities; desires, loves, preferences, stances, opinions, values; experiences, ideas, stories, and viewpoints. Full of things that can only be partially translated into words; things that can be translated into expressions and words in endless ways. Anyone could love any of it and be drawn to you by it, find something of curiosity of it—and, out of curiosity, inquire you of it, and want to grow closer to you to experience more of your essence.
In the exact same way you can love and desire others, others can also love and desire you.
You don't actually even have to love yourself or even like yourself to be loved or liked by others. Anyone can like you for any reason, and they will feel that interest and curiosity most genuinely. ♥
I listen to all my family members get ready for their different plans for the day, knowing not a single person will reach out to me today.
One of the main reasons (if not the core reason) why your family members have people in their lives is mainly out of spending time in social environments. And in those social environments they have happened to run into people. But not just any kinds of people. The same kinds of people, over and over again.
Here is a little demonstration, a loose causal chain:
Time spent in a social environment → Time spent around (roughly) the same "casts" of people → Basic "ambient" familiarity (hey I recognize this person; even if I don't know them well) → Low-level interactions (perhaps even rising out of necessity; like needing help or advice for something—maybe even just asking where the restroom is!!) → Potential casual interactions (if either initiates) → Continued interactions that slowly build a thriving connection
I should also mention; the shared environment that some people have (such as work/school) often somewhat forces people to be in the same place at repeating times. This can make it easier to maintain any connections that arise in environments like that.
But you don't actually
need to go work or school just to have people in your life. It is actually possible to have a thriving social life without relying on the social environments of work or school. In fact that is what very many people do. For many people, they just go to work/school for money/education, and nest most of their social life elsewhere. But where are they nesting their social life, outside of work/school?
ENTER:
. If you can't drive or don't have a bike (or if a bike can't go far enough) you can always look into available public transport options, like a bus. Bus tickets are often very cheap and can go pretty much anywhere :). And bus tickets combined with some walking can really get you pretty much anywhere!! ^^
.
