Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

[narval]

Agh. At this moment, when I can feel my end (the deadline that I set myself it's coming, it's in june), i'm feeling high. Motivated. The last 2 weeks where good, understanding good as not in shit and fcked up. I'm a fat, lonely, NEET, lazy, addicted to videogames and with (diagnosed) depression. i refuse to left like this. I'll try to fix as many things i can.

I've fear. fear of failing another time. Fear of more job refusals. Fear of disappointments.
I know me, the burden of my defects, my lazyness, my deppresion, my daydreaming, my apathy is huge. I don't know if i'll can overcome that.

But still. I refuse to give up so easily. I'll spend my last forces, now when i'm in a optimist mood, to start to improve myself. It's hard, i know. With effort i'll reach a snowball state and i'll manage to go ahead instead CTB in june.

What if i fail and i get nowhere?
...
...
fuck. I don't think I can take much more.

 

[timf]

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.​

If I remember correctly that quote was from a poem often cited as a call to resist aging. I think it was originally written for the poet's father who was going blind.

One can find use in summoning emotional intensity to stir one on to that which is difficult to attempt. Athletes and soldiers often find use in such summoning. However, there is a potential problem that such an effort can focus one's attention on a singular effort.

Often multiple experiments are required to find one thing that is helpful. You might want to be cautious that a narrow focus does not exclude making other attempts. Also you might want to avoid an exaggerated disappointment that can come from a focused effort.

You may want to reexamine your view of failure. Failure can only come as a result of doing something. This is in itself a success. The more failures is an indication of getting closer to what works.

 

[WornOutLife]

What if i fail and i get nowhere?

I was a NEET for 3 years so, I know what you're going through.

Failing is a weird thing. It seems it's necessary to fail in order to "win".

I've gone to hundreds of job interviews and only managed to get about 15 jobs throughout my life.
I felt a slave, abused, bullied and always ended up quitting.

Whenever I got home, I just cried in my bed.

Then, I got really fed up and decided to look for something I really liked and that's when I realized that I didn't want any bosses and only work as much as I wanted.

Thus, I became a private English and Spanish teacher and now working is not a problem anymore.

However, I'm still suicidal so, don't get depressed if in spite of doing your best, you still feel like ctb.

Having depression and being suicidal is a daily struggle.

Hope you can get the strength to give life one more shot. Look at it this way: Trying is better than staying in your bedroom and doing nothing. If you don't move, things will only get worse and time goes by really fast! I felt like I was 20 years last month and now I'm 33!


Wish you the best,

Hugs,

Matt

 

[narval]

First, the trivial thing: i don't know much about the history of the quote/poem. It's a quote i saw out there time ago and i liked. I knew that's from a poem and nothing more.

Now, the big things:

In one hand: since my 18 years (i'm 29) I've already failed a lot of times trying to do something with my life. Every fail was harder than the previous. In the last job I was about to crash the van on purpose. I don't think I can take much more fails. Everyone has a limit

In the other hand: The pressure over me is growing. I can foresee me being a homeless in a couple of years, I live on borrowed. my grandmother it's who i live and the reason why i'm not homeless yet. Various relatives are starting to be tired of my total economic dependency situation (said by them)


So... i've to try. as @WornOutLife said, i can't stay doing nothing. The fact of have to face jobs/projects confronts directly with my apathy and laziness thus I have to put all my soul and effort to start and keep me ongoing. Not doing it means i'll be homeless. even if fail means me breaking and CTB. Afterall i don't have much options

PD: I hope I have expressed myself well. this is not my main language