Venting The uncertainty is unbearable

[Eudaimonic]

I don't know if I can make my life livable. Maybe I can, or maybe I can't. Is it worth trying? For me, no. For others, maybe. It's never going to be good; I'm never going to be happy. I know that much. My actions, or rather inaction, ensured that. I don't want to live anyway; I will always be haunted by what could have been.

I feel like a failure and a bad person for wanting out of this miserable existence, though I recognize that is irrational. I don't want to hurt my family, especially my younger sibling. Further, some beings suffer far more than me, and I could stay alive to help them even if my life still sucked and I'd be better off dead. I feel like I have to keep going even though I don't have it in me.

I am probably too much of a coward. I can't face the unknown. The known terrifies me already. I worry ceaselessly about what happens after death. There's one worry in particular that plays in my head like a broken record. It's irrational, but that doesn't matter. I latch onto the possibility that somehow, against all odds, it's right. I have to rationalize it away frequently. I wish I was more of a materialist and believed wholeheartedly in nonexistence like many on this site seem to. Instead, I view death as a gamble. It's a gamble with the universe, with unknowable odds. This is not a Pascalian argument. It's simply a fact. There is no proof of nonexistence just as there is no proof of an afterlife (though, there is some evidence for postmortem survival of some sort and, curiously, no such evidence for nonexistence, only the physicalist assertion that consciousness ends at death because it's an emergent property of the brain). So, why hasten something that might turn out to not relieve my suffering? Shouldn't it be my last resort after trying and failing to carve out a decent life for myself in this hellscape?

What if I attempt, but fail, and end up with a severe injury, hypoxic brain damage, or even paralysis? All of those are worst-case scenarios, sure, but they are not impossible or even that improbable if I don't take the right precautions or simply screw up my attempt, which I fear could happen given how incompetent I can be sometimes.

I just want the uncertainty to end.

 

[Rubypie41]

HI,

what is it about your life that makes you want to end it? Why do you think you are never going to be happy?

Do you have any physical conditions causing a decrease in the quality of your life that are outside of your control, or is it depression, or circumstantial reasons that are making you feel this way?

I wouldn't worry about what happens to us after death, as that worry is the same for every single person who has been on this planet. None of us really know what happens after we pass away, so what's the point in worrying about something that will inevitably happen to everyone and is outside of our control. Worry about the things that you can control, not the things you can't.

Choosing death is an absolute last resort (in my opinion). Whilst we are here we should make the most of it and put all our energy into doing the things that bring us joy, pleasure and happiness, whatever that may be.

I wish you all the best for whatever you decide. Here for if you need to vent or just chat about anything.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

To me, seems a little on the "pro-life / anti-choice" spectrum as far as "messaging" is concerned, but, hey, that may just be my take. Certainly doesn't lean towards "pro-choice" mantra.

 

[Eudaimonic]

HI,

what is it about your life that makes you want to end it? Why do you think you are never going to be happy?

Do you have any physical conditions causing a decrease in the quality of your life that are outside of your control, or is it depression, or circumstantial reasons that are making you feel this way?

I wouldn't worry about what happens to us after death, as that worry is the same for every single person who has been on this planet. None of us really know what happens after we pass away, so what's the point in worrying about something that will inevitably happen to everyone and is outside of our control. Worry about the things that you can control, not the things you can't.

Choosing death is an absolute last resort (in my opinion). Whilst we are here we should make the most of it and put all our energy into doing the things that bring us joy, pleasure and happiness, whatever that may be.

I wish you all the best for whatever you decide. Here for if you need to vent or just chat about anything.

It's partially due to depression, anxiety, and executive dysfunction. All of my problems are psychological, in origin, at least. That does not make them any less real, though. A majority of them can, in theory, be treated, but there's one in particular that really makes me want to die that is utterly debilitating, incredibly painful, and difficult to treat. I don't want to elaborate because I don't think most people would understand, and no one would be able to offer any potential solutions I had not already thought of. Even if I manage to get it under control, I don't know if my quality of life will be sufficient.

You're right that there's no point in worrying about it, but I can't help it after all the disturbing ideas I've read about.

Anyway, thank you for your response.

To me, seems a little on the "pro-life / anti-choice" spectrum as far as "messaging" is concerned, but, hey, that may just be my take. Certainly doesn't lean towards "pro-choice" mantra.

Just to be clear, that was not the intention at all. I am fervently pro-choice. These are my reservations only and I am not judging anyone's decision. It's annoying that I have to say this considering this post was meant to be a vent.

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

I view it as such: look at people around (in most wide sense), try to put you in their shoes. If it appears that on average they have better lifes, then, as an approximation, the mathematical expectation of CTB is positive. That does say nothing about your exact next reicarnation. But that does not matter. What does matter is average of all reicarnations.

Further, some beings suffer far more than me, and I could stay alive to help them even if my life still sucked and I'd be better off dead.

If you mean humans, they have an option to CTB too, if they are in such a bad position.