Venting Quiet despair

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I'm so sorry I keep posting these stupid vents here. I genuinely dont know what else to do.

Last night someone close to me called emergency services on me. We were outside tgth and i stupidly was too open about what i was feeling. They care a lot about me and I realised too late that what i said causes them to fear i would attempt last night. I was going to, but i didnt tell them that. I begged them not to call because i was rerrified that thsyd inform my parents even tho im of age. Basically what ended up happening was that police came and talked to me. I told them that I was fine and that I didnt need urgent help. They believed me. My parents werent notified, they told me due to me being of age they have no right or reason to inform my parents of what happened without my permission. But it was basically a pointless call as they ended up leaving after 20mins. That person ended up ssleeping at my place because they were too afraid theyd never see me again (not alive) if they left me alone last night. I really appreciate the fact that I have someone in my life who cares so much about me, but now I feel like I have nobody to talk to anymore. I dont want to have police called on me again. I feel like my freedom has been taken. If i kill myself i will destroy that person. I feel horrible.

Today I took my adhd medication for the first time in a year, as i took a gap year to work and am going back to uni starting tomorrow. I felt better for a part of the day, i feel like my thoughts are more organised. I even thought maybe the meds will be enough to fix whats wrong with me. It felt like it for a bit, but then the thoughts came creeping in again. Same as everyday. I dont want to live. I dont hate life, theres a lot i love about it, but i dont want to live regardless. I just dont. I dont belong. There is a harrowing, gaping black hole in my chest and there is no way for me to close it.

I can't keep going like this. I want to end my life but i dont have the freedom to do it. Freedom is an illusion, only death brings true freedom. I dont even know if i am depressed or what it is thats wrong with my brain. I can be happy and i can enjoy things, but I still dont want to live.
I need help but i cant get it because i cant talk about this. I dont even care about what kind of help, I just want something that will delude me into feeling like I want to live until i can finally leave this life behind. My biggest wish in life is for it to end. I cant imagine having to suffer for another 6 decades or more. I dont want to imagine that. I wish someone would just kill me already. I feel like no one around me understands it, or would understand it if i talked about it. I wish i could cry to relieve some of the despair inside my body, but I cant really cry anymore either. I shouldve succeeded back when i was younger. Had I known proper methods back then I wouldn't be suffering anymore. I resent my parents for making me. Damn this miserable fucking cage of an existence that I'm trapped in.

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

The freedom part really stuck with me, it really does feel like you'll always be shackled down by something, be it people, responsibilities or whatever, the "freedom" is to choose what to get shackled by.
Even if there are times I feel grateful for things and I laugh, I don't want to live either, nothing ever seems to impact my stance.
I'm stuck feeling that nothing is ever going to change, nothing will ever make me feel truly "better".

 

[ctb_warrior]

You don't need to be sorry for sharing your thoughts here.
Know that we are all in the same boat and we understand how you feel, what you feel.
I too dread about living for 4 more decades. These 3 decades have too heavy for me. I can't expect to live for another 4. I asked my parents, why did you give birth to me when you already had a child. What was the fun in bringing another child into this cruel world. And my mom suffered bipolar so depression is stored deep down in my DNA, even though i have only suffered from depression around my breakup.

I don't know if you can get help in your real life. Because sometimes people love us and care for us, but they don't understand us.

In the case of SaSu, even though we are strangers to each other, but we understand your pain more than anyone else.

If you need to talk about anything, if talking about it will make you feel better, by all means feel free to connect. If you need any help, don't shy away from asking for it upfront.

We are all here for you in every way possible.

The freedom part really stuck with me, it really does feel like you'll always be shackled down by something, be it people, responsibilities or whatever, the "freedom" is to choose what to get shackled by.
Even if there are times I feel grateful for things and I laugh, I don't want to live either, nothing ever seems to impact my stance.
I'm stuck feeling that nothing is ever going to change, nothing will ever make me feel truly "better".

You know, when I look at things from my perspective. I know I can change things, I can bend reality, things can and will get better.
But I just don't have any strength left to do that. What am I living for. Who am i living for. I have no purpose.
I'm just using my time while I'm still here to guide people here on SaSu in any direction that they need my guidance. If they want help with CTB , i tell them what not to do. If they want to recover, I tell them ways out of it.

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

The freedom part really stuck with me, it really does feel like you'll always be shackled down by something, be it people, responsibilities or whatever, the "freedom" is to choose what to get shackled by.
Even if there are times I feel grateful for things and I laugh, I don't want to live either, nothing ever seems to impact my stance.
I'm stuck feeling that nothing is ever going to change, nothing will ever make me feel truly "better".

Im so sorry you feel this way too. I wish life was kinder to us.

You don't need to be sorry for sharing your thoughts here.
Know that we are all in the same boat and we understand how you feel, what you feel.
I too dread about living for 4 more decades. These 3 decades have too heavy for me. I can't expect to live for another 4. I asked my parents, why did you give birth to me when you already had a child. What was the fun in bringing another child into this cruel world. And my mom suffered bipolar so depression is stored deep down in my DNA, even though i have only suffered from depression around my breakup.

I don't know if you can get help in your real life. Because sometimes people love us and care for us, but they don't understand us.

In the case of SaSu, even though we are strangers to each other, but we understand your pain more than anyone else.

If you need to talk about anything, if talking about it will make you feel better, by all means feel free to connect. If you need any help, don't shy away from asking for it upfront.

We are all here for you in every way possible.

You know, when I look at things from my perspective. I know I can change things, I can bend reality, things can and will get better.
But I just don't have any strength left to do that. What am I living for. Who am i living for. I have no purpose.
I'm just using my time while I'm still here to guide people here on SaSu in any direction that they need my guidance. If they want help with CTB , i tell them what not to do. If they want to recover, I tell them ways out of it.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world. And I hope things get lighter to bear for you aswell. None of us had a choice in being brought into this life, and its cruel that so many people dont understand that some of us were just not cut out for it.