Discussion Pre-Goodbye Thread. I Need Support. Thursday. No turning back.

[Crushed_Innocence]

Greetings SS Family,

It's crazy. I have been on here for a little over a year. I came for resources and information. Then I found friendship. We lost someone from here. I made a very intimate friend, he lived in another country an war-torn 3rd world one. We skyped almost everyday for like 4 months. He had a plan, he went back and forth. Then after he shared with me his increasign distress about an ongoing morphine addiction, I never heard from him again. It broke my heart. We were close, and I never got to say goodbye.

Then there was the guy from posts I made about 3 months ago. I thought I had something. But it turned out to be another cruel sham. I'm so tired of being fucked over because I am a needy, weak and sensitive girl. I'm really pretty, and even plus-sized and the dating/mating rules of this world are too harsh for me to ever be able to win.

I know I can;t ever find love as a BPD girl and certainly not at 40....... This last one really did me in. I guess I really am a socialpath/narcissist/extrmeme player magnent. I mean the last tow were cold, cruel and heartless! I todl thsi last guy about my sucide attempt. He KNEW I WAS IN THEREPY. I didn't hide it, and what does he do? Abandon me, then ignore me when I reached out to ask what was going on. I know I'm not perfect and have issues. But I don't deserve any treatmemt like that. i am starting to have that "sinking belly" feeling waking up in the mornings and I am NOT about to have another grief-stricken episode. Nope I am done.

So, I am ready. I have a last few things to wrap up. But my to-do list of getting my affiars in order is nearly comeplete.

I hate this world so much. I have had non-stop suffering. And since I am resolved and ready to go thorugh with it, I don't want to feel totally alone the next 4 days--- because the lockdown really amplified my lonliness.....

I just want to feel like I am connected to something in my last few days..since I have to die alone. Which bothers me a little.

thank yall so much for this site and your support. I plan to do 2 more post. One with my full story and then the final goodbye thread on Thurs.

 

[C_F]

I have a feeling you could definitely find love. The journey and let downs along the way are too crushing though, I know. The world is cold, but not all of it. We'll be here for you.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I have a feeling you could definitely find love. The journey and let downs along the way are too crushing though, I know. The world is cold, but not all of it. We'll be here for you.

If I wasn't so broken and worn out, i agree with you. I could. My CTB decison comes from a lifetime of bad luck starting with being born to a very mentally ill mother and suffered extreme physical and mental abuse, then went into foster care and lived in 25 hellish instutions, oprahnages, group homes. I never had any family. I don't remember EVER getting a HUG as a child, I never got any emotional or physcial affection. I was bullied and blah blah...it was a mess. I am tired. EXHAUSTED. I am running on fumes and I barely have enough left to make it till Thursday night. Everything I need to do before I leave feels like so much effort. Laundry, writing last letters, drafting a makeshift will, closing accounts----- it liek swimming though mud...... But thank you so much CF, pretty much this forum is all I will have till I leave.

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry life has brought you to this point. I sincerely wish you a peaceful transition if you decide to take this route

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm so sorry life has brought you to this point. I sincerely wish you a peaceful transition if you decide to take this route

Thank you very much. I have feeling it will be very peaceful. Helium has been the preferred way to go since humans were able to get thier hands on it.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I'm so sorry that life hasn't been kind to you. I hope it will be peaceful for you. *hugs*

 

[NekoNomNom]

Hey girl, I'm still here for you, no matter what you decide to do. I was checking out your setup thread and found it insightful, since we have the same method.

I hope that you find the peace that you're seeking, and hopefully I'll be following you soon! Please continue to keep us updated, and don't hesitate to come to us, no matter how you're feeling or what you decide to do.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. This is exactly why I'm scared of getting close with someone, I don't want to develop feelings and then be disappointed (which happened to me many times). I wish you luck in whatever path you choose.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

I'm sorryy uhh had to go throughh all this. We are all here for uhh. Hope uhh find love n happiness wherever uhh go❤

 

[milorddd]

I am sorry for all that happened to u.. Hopefully you'll find your peace.. May I know your method of CTB?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm so sorry that life hasn't been kind to you. I hope it will be peaceful for you. *hugs*

Thank you..... huggs to you too !

Hey girl, I'm still here for you, no matter what you decide to do. I was checking out your setup thread and found it insightful, since we have the same method.

I hope that you find the peace that you're seeking, and hopefully I'll be following you soon! Please continue to keep us updated, and don't hesitate to come to us, no matter how you're feeling or what you decide to do.

Hey Neko! Thank you...... Yes, I plan to keep updated especially real-time when i get to the hotel. It feels surreal. I feel like the next 4 days is going to take forever, because of the lockdown its hard to fill my time. But I can do it....

I'm sorry you had to go through that. This is exactly why I'm scared of getting close with someone, I don't want to develop feelings and then be disappointed (which happened to me many times). I wish you luck in whatever path you choose.

Thank you. This last one broke me. And Im done. But I look forward to breathing that helium into the relief I deserve.

I am sorry for all that happened to u.. Hopefully you'll find your peace❤.. May I know your method of CTB?

Thank you for your sympathy, it really has been hell. My method is an Exit bag with helium. I just out the post if you look in the foroum list you should it called " Exit BAg with photos"

 

[Meowkin]

Good luck. I hope you find peace and all that you're looking for.

 

[randomz]

I am sorry life brought you to this point. I hope you really exhausted all other options to find happiness before taking the final decision to CTB. If you need anyone to talk to, you can always PM me.

 

[plough22]

@Crushed_Innocence i feel your pain, being let down in life when you have been good, why does bad things happen to good people. Wishing it so different. I see you have put a lot of thought into your ctb. It's sad but too you can read from your post the pain. PEACE is all we want. We are here for you if you decide not too, or decide to.
Sending you good wishes

 

[BlackHoleSun]

you sound like me, I'm so sorry... my last love was narcissist and I just found out she had been playing me the entire year we were a together and is now back with her ex

she knew the state i was in, I told her this is my last try at a relationship, im putting all my eggs in this basket, i flew her out to meet my family, I really freakin tried, i wrote her love poems and stories and songs... I don't know why its so hard to find love, i dont know... its all ive ever wanted and chased I dont care about money or fame or anything, i think your brave for all that you've gone through. I wish people like you could find love, because its always the people that deserve it the most that never get it, im sorry things arnt different

 

[heavyglow]

Yeah this sinking belly feeling... I know exactly that pain you're referring. I think you can find love, it won't be here or in places where people with problems are interacting though

 

[Smudgedlines]

Kind gentle lovely vulnerable people often attract ar$eholes unfortunately. You are more trusting and open and sadly that means they find it easier to manipulate use and throwaway. It's entirely your choice but please make sure you're certain. You sound like a lovely beautiful person to me. I tend to attract needy men which is exhausting and have been with an alcoholic for four years. He is sooo tiring. I hope you find peace whatever you choose.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I am sorry life brought you to this point. I hope you really exhausted all other options to find happiness before taking the final decision to CTB. If you need anyone to talk to, you can always PM me.

Thanks..I really did...... Suicide for me truly is the final solution----- nothing can help me, I have had over 2 decades of trying all sorts of stuff......

@Crushed_Innocence i feel your pain, being let down in life when you have been good, why does bad things happen to good people. Wishing it so different. I see you have put a lot of thought into your ctb. It's sad but too you can read from your post the pain. PEACE is all we want. We are here for you if you decide not too, or decide to.
Sending you good wishes

Thank you. This is such a wonderful community. Its sad that it's being so affected by the cruelty of life that brings us together here....

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Baby Girl..

I'm so sorry those SOBs did that to u! They totally took advantage of ur kindness n vulnerability..

I'm so sorry that u have experienced such trauma in both childhood and as an adult..

I'm sorry that u haven't had the opportunity to experience true love...

I'm sending u a BIG virtual ((((((((((hug))))))))))

If u ever need someone to talk to,plz don't hesitate to hit me up..I got u

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

you sound like me, I'm so sorry... my last love was narcissist and I just found out she had been playing me the entire year we were a together and is now back with her ex

she knew the state i was in, I told her this is my last try at a relationship, im putting all my eggs in this basket, i flew her out to meet my family, I really freakin tried, i wrote her love poems and stories and songs... I don't know why its so hard to find love, i dont know... its all ive ever wanted and chased I dont care about money or fame or anything, i think your brave for all that you've gone through. I wish people like you could find love, because its always the people that deserve it the most that never get it, im sorry things arnt different

I'm so sorry. It's even more sad cause NPD is not thier fault either---- Hurt people hurt people and personality disorders are almost impossible to treat by nature. Narc and BPD's tend to attract like a moth to a flame. thing is the flame is always the narc---ugh. And that is why I just chalk it up to the entire human system. This earth, homosapiens, evolution. It's all one random cosmic lottery.... I don't get the point of all this suffering, all so i can maybe one day "overcome"--- I did not sign up for lifetime of struggle. And fuck it, if LOVE something that most humans say they want so bad IS THIS DAMN HARD TO GET, I figure the entire gig is rigged and I'm just opting out the the game.

Yeah this sinking belly feeling... I know exactly that pain you're referring. I think you can find love, it won't be here or in places where people with problems are interacting though

Your so sweet, someone else said this. I and I agree, if I wasn't burnt out and running on emotional fumes, I perhaps could. But I get almost immediately attached and there is no therapy that can fix this broken mechanism. But for me, it's about being tired. I am exhausted and truly from the bottom of my soul don't have it in me to "give it one last go"-- I tried I contemplated it----- but like a two year old trying to lift a 100 pound barbell....... just aint gonna happen even if I wanted to.... I am dun....

 

[BlackHoleSun]

I'm so sorry. It's even more sad cause NPD is not thier fault either---- Hurt people hurt people and personality disorders are almost impossible to treat by nature. Narc and BPD's tend to attract like a moth to a flame. thing is the flame is always the narc---ugh. And that is why I just chalk it up to the entire human system. This earth, homosapiens, evolution. It's all one random cosmic lottery.... I don't get the point of all this suffering, all so i can maybe one day "overcome"--- I did not sign up for lifetime of struggle. And fuck it, if LOVE something that most humans say they want so bad IS THIS DAMN HARD TO GET, I figure the entire gig is rigged and I'm just opting out the the game.

You are very wise to understand that about NARC behaviour. Ahhh I wish I had something for you, a gem of wisdom, a secret answer. I will be praying for you and keeping a watch on this thread and the next. I feel you and you are loved no matter what you do. <3

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Kind gentle lovely vulnerable people often attract ar$eholes unfortunately. You are more trusting and open and sadly that means they find it easier to manipulate use and throwaway. It's entirely your choice but please make sure you're certain. You sound like a lovely beautiful person to me. I tend to attract needy men which is exhausting and have been with an alcoholic for four years. He is sooo tiring. I hope you find peace whatever you choose.

I am needy too, but I am a functional needy. I've never been the type to mutiple text, or make demands. I'm very submissive in relationships and want to please and worship my partner. I like for my man to be in control. I guess that makes me doubly prey for predators cause I want to obey and serve. It makes me happy of I am with the right person. What really broke me, is that this guy was IMO out of my leauge. I was overjoyed to get attention from a tall, hot muscular, well-spoken, chivalrous man who made me feel amazing. I just don't understand it. I really did the best I could with the guy. It wasn't enough. I didn't expect the stonewall at the end. I've never been ignored like this before. This is a whole new level of cruel. Most guys would talk to me even once even if it was to just bullshit me. The anger of being a sucker again pushed me ovee the edge and I can't wait till Thursday! I have a 4-star hotel suite. I'm gonna CTB instyle!

You are very wise to understand that about NARC behaviour. Ahhh I wish I had something for you, a gem of wisdom, a secret answer. I will be praying for you and keeping a watch on this thread and the next. I feel you and you are loved no matter what you do. <3

Thank you so are so sweet. Everything is set in motion. 4-star room is booked. I will be sipping champange in a plush enviroment when I pull my exit bag over my head and say fuck this shithole of a world!

 

[Soul]

I'm glad you're giving yourself that 4star suite - can you enjoy it for a night or two before you get intimate with that helium?

That sinking feeling ... I'd honestly forgotten that not everyone has that all the time. I'm sorry you've been mistreated. If I were a muscular chivalrous man I would wrap my coat around you and keep you warm x

 

[Winston]

4-star room is booked. I will be sipping champange in a plush enviroment

Classy exit. Cheers and peace, mate.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Classy exit. Cheers and peace, mate.

Thank you! Classy all the way!

 

[Smudgedlines]

I am needy too, but I am a functional needy. I've never been the type to mutiple text, or make demands. I'm very submissive in relationships and want to please and worship my partner. I like for my man to be in control. I guess that makes me doubly prey for predators cause I want to obey and serve. It makes me happy of I am with the right person.What really broke me, is that this guy was IMO out of my leauge. I was overjoyed to get attention from a tall, hot muscular, well-spoken, chivalrous man who made me feel amazing. I just don't understand it. I really did the best I could with the guy. It wasn't enough. I didn't expect the stonewall at the end. I've never been ignored like this before. This is a whole new level of cruel. Most guys would talk to me even once even if it was to just bullshit me.

unfortunately your initial instincts were probably right - not that he was too good for you - but that he was too good to be true. He's probably an expert at it... the ghosting implies to me that he is a cold hearted bastard and probably enjoys the power of it.
My ex did it to me after 7 years together. Nearly killed me he did. He did come back once his fascination with his new piece of stuff waned but by then I'd got him sussed. Never thought he was capable of such cruelty though. Turned out I didn't know him at all.
I still really hope you stay but understand why you've had enough x

 

[Squiddy]

I'm sorry that life hasn't been kind to you. I wish you peace

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

unfortunately your initial instincts were probably right - not that he was too good for you - but that he was too good to be true. He's probably an expert at it... the ghosting implies to me that he is a cold hearted bastard and probably enjoys the power of it.
My ex did it to me after 7 years together. Nearly killed me he did. He did come back once his fascination with his new piece of stuff waned but by then I'd got him sussed. Never thought he was capable of such cruelty though. Turned out I didn't know him at all.
I still really hope you stay but understand why you've had enough x

Thank you for your empathy, kind words and validation. Yes, I am tired. And angry. I honestly don't want to go on. Even though I will die still wanting love, I can't fathom ever going on a date ever again. I'm not wired for it. I just don't have the emotional fortitude needed to survive, let alone thrive in America's metropolitan dating scene. Its brutal & a sweet, fragile soul like mine doesn't stand a chance. I'm throwing in the towel with tears in my eyes.

I'm sorry that life hasn't been kind to you. I wish you peace

Thank you.....

 

[SNOB]

I am sorry life has pushed you to this. You are very courageous to have come this far much more than me!!

I just want to say one thing. I absolutely believe you can still find love at 40 even as a bpd girl. I'm 30 and my ex (we will porbaly get back together one day soon) is early 40s and she has many BPD traits. I do love her and understand why she behaves in these ways but unfortunately sometimes it triggers my bad behaviour which is why we are where we are. Anyway that's another story.

If you want to talk anything over please do drop me a message :)

Peace and love my friend x

 

[Jumper Geo]

So sorry you have had such a shit time and never found someone to love, there are a lot of arseholes taking advantage of innocent souls mind you it's never to late check out the online dating, you don't have to date just see if you see any interesting profiles.

I hope you find peace whatever you decide.

Cheers

Geo