Story Farewell! [My goodbye thread]

[Myforevercharlie]

Ive looked for such shelters, but don't seem to find any in Poland. And even if there are such, I believe there arent any in my region.

Have you tried Emmaus? There are 3 in your country. Google them

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I think I will CTB tomorrow. Im scared. Im shaking in fear, anxiety and shock and cold. its cold. super cold. i was sleeping. my parents argued probably. my mom wnet somewhwre and woke me up. said i need to go somewhwre tomorrow. idk whwre. i want to die. this is too much. is this me or is this someone else. hello? its me > i want todie. i want to die there is no escape nowhere is safe anymore only death is safe i want to die.

Have you tried Emmaus? There are 3 in your country. Google them

Its too far away. i cant try. i would collapse, i already feel like a dead person. its super cold and idk what to do. probably insane anxiety caused this, i cant fall asleep no matter what. i dont feel safe. im scared for my fucking life. this is like a nightmare.

 

[PixelPlant]

I'm sorry that life has put you through so much suffering, OP and I wish you the best in whatever you decide. I know life is nothing but pain.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I might be saved. I reported my case to institutions and tomorrow im going to the police. im scared for life, but this is my opportunity. my parents are gone either way, so this is my chance to survive and rebuild.

 

[itswhatits]

I'm really sorry that it's come to this, and I know you feel trapped. In many ways, you are trapped. But I think you still have a way out.

Please, try to talk to your cousin. You don't have to tell him about your plans, but just tell him that you haven't been doing well in your house, and that you need to leave. You don't have to ask to stay with him, you could just ask for a ride to one of those shelters, or just for a ride to anywhere.

Your dreams, your creativity, your art, what you can bring into the world, nobody else can make realize those without you. You have entire worlds within you, worlds that nobody else has. You have a duty to them. At my darkest moments the only things that kept me on this earth were the thought of my mother and the fact that I still have comics to write. You, too, still have things to create.

Ultimately, I am just a stranger on the internet. I can't make you do anything, and I hope you find peace, whatever your choice. But I think there is still peace on this world for you, and I think it would be a waste to lose the worlds in your head you were blessed with.

 

[fvckfamily]

Eu posso ser salvo. Relatei meu caso para instituições e amanhã vou à polícia. Estou com medo da vida, mas esta é minha oportunidade. Meus pais se foram de qualquer maneira, então esta é minha chance de sobreviver e reconstruir.

Você acabou desistindo? Se sim, ok e boa sorte com sua recuperação.

 

[Goosechan]

I might be saved. I reported my case to institutions and tomorrow im going to the police. im scared for life, but this is my opportunity. my parents are gone either way, so this is my chance to survive and rebuild.

I hope those institutions and police will be just and caring. You seem like such a creative person that could have a lot of ties to this world. I want that for you. I want you to be peaceful, first and foremost. But if I can be greedy I want you to survive too! I'll think of you tomorrow and GL at the police
It must be a rollercoaster of emotions right now that I cannot even imagine. So it's truly incredible that you manage to see an opportunity in such a situation.

 

[SA1994EC]

I might be saved. I reported my case to institutions and tomorrow im going to the police. im scared for life, but this is my opportunity. my parents are gone either way, so this is my chance to survive and rebuild.

It is fantastic news. I am so glad you reached out and reported. Please take advantage of this chance to the full extent to make things better. You well deserve it. I am sending my best wish to you. Please update us whenever you can.

 

[reyonrays]

I might be saved. I reported my case to institutions and tomorrow im going to the police. im scared for life, but this is my opportunity. my parents are gone either way, so this is my chance to survive and rebuild.

So happy for you and hope this will give you chance to a better and healthy life, take care of yourself!

 

[wren-briar]

I might be saved. I reported my case to institutions and tomorrow im going to the police. im scared for life, but this is my opportunity. my parents are gone either way, so this is my chance to survive and rebuild.

This is honestly the only thing that has given me even a microscopic glint of hope in so very long!!!

Please know that you have been in my thoughts, and you will definitely be in my thoughts tomorrow!

(It probably sounds weird to you, but I honestly feel like an overseas uncle -one who has never gotten to meet you, yet I've "heard" so much about you, and I just want the very best for you!)

I'm already looking forward to reading your update!

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I cried like a baby. Im still in shock, felt like ive finally damaged the loop. The surreality of tonight was insane. I barely remember anything, it was so surreal. Sadly, parents still yelled and are now mad at me. Im their no.1 enemy now, im still scared, but I feel like there might be something changing soon. As I said, I feel like Ive actually took my first step to leaving the loop. Ive had shitty sleep, just 3 hours. I feel like a zombie, everything hurts and I can barely stand. Im downstairs, my SN is upstairs, so if something bad changes, and the loop wins again, then im in disadvantage. Ill try to retrieve my SN and antacids in a few minutes, cant risk anything.

 

[wren-briar]

Timezone clarity question - I thought you would be talking to the police tomorrow which I assumed would be roughly sometime between 1.5 to 10.5 hrs from now (e.g. 8am-5pm in Poland according to https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/poland/warsaw).

So, have you talked to the police already?

Based on your latest message, I assuming your folks are upset that you reported them. Did someone from the institutions or the police tell your folks that you had reported them? Or did you tell them? Or, are they upset at you for something else?

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Timezone clarity question - I thought you would be talking to the police tomorrow which I assumed would be roughly sometime between 1.5 to 10.5 hrs from now (e.g. 8am-5pm in Poland according to https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/poland/warsaw).

So, have you talked to the police already?

Based on your latest message, I assuming your folks are upset that you reported them. Did someone from the institutions or the police tell your folks that you had reported them? Or did you tell them? Or, are they upset at you for something else?

I got scared during the night, ive got a panic attack, a very serious one, and called the police immediately due to anxiety. My folks got angry for reporting them, the institution doesnt respond this quickly, so idk what to do now. Im scared to even go back home, as its me vs 2 adults, way stronger than me. My grandparents are somewhat on my side? I think. Ill update more once I arrive at school, the bus js super cold.
Got my SN in my backpack, just in case, as well as everything else needed to CTB. also, any of you knows how many teaspoons is 25g of SN? I dont have a scale with me, so I gotta use the teaspoons
Also, Ive got a paper cup. Will it work? Ive seen everyone use plastic cups, but I think paper cups will work too?

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Ill attempt CTB soon. Either here in school, or ill wait 4 more hours and go into some lone place and do it there

Ive decided that Ill go to the town's Park and CTB there. Ive got everything I need, except the scale. Ive searched that 25g of SN is around 4 teaspoons, so Ill do 2 cups of that. Theres a spot that practically noone lures around in the park, and thats going to be my spot. It's going to happen in around 4 hours, something like that. Around 2:15 PM CET. I feel so fucking great, finally going to rest. Ive thought that Im saved because of the police intervention, but I guess I was wrong. The moment the police left my house my parents started arguing again, now also letting the anger mentally on me, directly. Im sorry that Ive failed to win this, but Ive never had huge hopes in the first place, so welp, that's just how it is. The only worry is that someone will somehow actually walk by that spot and call the ambulance. If that happens, then idk whats going to happen next.

 

[blackbeauty]

I'm really sorry to hear police intervention hasn't supported you in the way that you need. Just wanted to provide this link below as it has a list of helplines people can call in Poland when they are in crisis and the second link is more specific to youth. Hope you can give yourself another chance. I'm thinking of you and my heart goes out to you.

1. https://findahelpline.com/countries/pl/topics/suicidal-thoughts
2. https://findahelpline.com/organizations/telefon-zaufania-dla-dzieci-i-mlodziezy

 

[wren-briar]

The moment the police left my house my parents started arguing again, now also letting the anger mentally on me, directly.

What did the police say and do?

Did they even try to get you out of your parents house?

Ill attempt CTB soon. Either here in school, or ill wait 4 more hours and go into some lone place and do it there

If you get to that point, pleasr know that you'll likely make noises (e.g. vomiting, repositioning, heavy breathing, etc.) that may still alert others.

list of helplines people can call in Poland when they are in crisis and the second link is more specific to youth.

Great finds, blackbeauty!

@GalacticWarrior777 - Have you been able to call the 2 helplines that blackbeauty found?

Hope you can give yourself another chance.

Ditto!

None of this is your fault!

You really do deserve a chance to live -to actually live- as you, yourself, to include being free of your parents, before CTB!



If you really can't make it past the next few hours, please know that my whole heart goes out to you and I sincerly hope that you're able to find the peace that you so clearly need.

But I'd much prefer to hear that you've decided to hang on until you can live free of your parents for at least a couple of months!

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

What did the police say and do?

Did they even try to get you out of your parents house?

They asked me about why I called them, and about my mental health. I was full in tears, which left me shocked, as I never was able to cry before, or at least for the past couple years.

They told me that Im safe, and said that it will be okay, asked for me and my parents id, and said some more stuff which I dont remember, i was shaking for my life that time.

They did NOT try to get me out of the house, they said it will be okay and shit, but ofc, the moment they stepped out, the conflict resumed. The worst part is that my parents ghosted me during the intervention too. They only said bad words about me, and whenever I said something, they would leave the roon and not listen.

Im currently listening to the playlist I made for my last moments, as I wont get the chance of actually listening to music during the attempt, sadly. Ill be taking 2nd pill of ibuprofen in 1 hour, as the first try had low success rate, so I decided to postpone until I get out of school.

Im feeling more anxious the closer I get to realization. I feel like it might be hard to drink it, but once I do, it will be easier from then on. I just need to think that once I drink it, my chances of finally so long awaited rest and peace will be so high.

 

[wren-briar]

They did NOT try to get me out of the house, they said it will be okay and shit, but ofc, the moment they stepped out, the conflict resumed. The worst part is that my parents ghosted me during the intervention too. They only said bad words about me, and whenever I said something, they would leave the roon and not listen.

Just wanted to provide this link below as it has a list of helplines people can call in Poland when they are in crisis and the second link is more specific to youth. Hope you can give yourself another chance. I'm thinking of you and my heart goes out to you.

1. https://findahelpline.com/countries/pl/topics/suicidal-thoughts
2. https://findahelpline.com/organizations/telefon-zaufania-dla-dzieci-i-mlodziezy

Have you called the helplines that @blackbeauty found?

Can either of them help you get to a safe, parent-free, space?

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Have you called the helplines that @blackbeauty found?

Can either of them help you get to a safe, parent-free, space?

I already spoke with one yesterday. They filed a report of abuse in my house, but it will take a long time for the report to be even readen.

Im starting to feel cold due to anxiety. Im super stressed, im still looking for a perfect place to CTB. Possibly woods, as not many people go there. I also can look for some spots in the towns park, which is prob what Ill do.

 

[Goosechan]

I'm so sorry to read your updates today. It's good that reports are being filed and all, but you clearly would benefit so much from an immediate intervention that would let you be away from your parents.

It must be terrible to feel so anxious and to have to be alone at a time like this. I wanna keep suggesting things that might change your situation like personally walking into a police office and demanding to not go back home but I'm not sure how reasonable that is and I recognise the part of the forum we're on. And I know everyone breaks at a certain point. I wish you wouldn't have to be alone right now!!!!

I remember what it was like when I was in school and there were fights at my house every day. Of course you cannot compare these kinds of situations, but I think we might've felt some of the same feelings and I would feel similar to you were I in yout shoes right now.

Your post yesterday gave me so much hope for you and I want you to be happy and peaceful and not anxious so bad! Whichever way that is.

 

[wren-briar]

They filed a report of abuse in my house, but it will take a long time for the report to be even readen.

I'm so glad to hear that you got the report submitted to them!

"long time" as in this next week, or maybe the following week?

Can you couchsurf at a friend's place until then?

Im starting to feel cold due to anxiety.

Im super stressed,

im still looking for a perfect place to CTB.

If it isn't obvious, you really don't need to find a perfect place in the next few hours, you've made it through the last crappy 18 yrs, so you can certainly make it 18 more hrs, or even 18 more days, and that way you may get to experience adult "freedom" (it's still not as free as most of us would like, but it can be so much better than living with abusive parents!)

Since getting to know you, I've been having memories of my first month in my very own apartment. Not gonna lie, there was a lot that scared me, but the freedom that I experienced was absolutely worth all the fear and anxiety! I want for you to experience exactly such freedom, so much more than I can express here!!!

suggesting things that might change your situation like personally walking into a police office and demanding to not go back home but I'm not sure how reasonable that is and I recognise the part of the forum we're on. And I know everyone breaks at a certain point. I wish you wouldn't have to be alone right now!!!!

Love this suggestion!

think we might've felt some of the same feelings and I would feel similar to you were I in yout shoes right now.

For better or worse, I think there are so many of us here who have been in similar situations and similar feelings.

Your post yesterday gave me so much hope for you and I want you to be happy and peaceful and not anxious so bad! Whichever way that is.

1000% this!

 

[deadbehindtheeyes12]

I've made a list of things for me to buy. I'm currently missing ibuprofen, a digital scale, plastic cups, measuring cups. I've already ordered the digital scale, and the rest I will buy somewhere on the city on friday. Today passed by so quickly, I think it's because I'm waiting for my CTB. Either way, I'm super tired, I'd love to go to sleep, but I promised my online friend I'll have a small talk with them today, so I guess all that's left for me to do is wait for them to come online, and then I'll finally get to take some rest again.

One of my classmates, through which I've bought my SN, is starting to suspect me, but I've use some basic lying methods, and he calmed down. As of right now, I think that the success rate on my first term is around 80%. My parents are conflicted, they are sleeping in separate rooms, and they don't seem to have any care about me, lol.

I also wanted to play Osu today, but i'm too tired to do it. I'll probably do it tomorrow. I'll also try going to the confession tomorrow, I want to die with as little sins and conscience as possible, although I'm still not a 100% sure if afterlife does exist. It's just my beliefs and religion. I'll probably be getting off the site now, goodnight and I'll keep you updated tomorrow.

Also, forgot to mention; I'm doing my attempt without meto if anyone is wondering. Didn't get enough money to order it, and I myself have lost all contact with my intermediaries.

Have you considered the afterlife at all? As a christian I would be a miss if I didn't ask either way I wish you peace friend

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Im scared. I dont think I can do it today. Im super scared. I think Ill just return home and face whatevers gonna happen. Im too scared to die. I dont know if this is SI, or just a 2nd part of me. Im sorry. Ill try to keep updates, but idk what will face me at home after police intervention. Sorry. Im sorry.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.

 

[RadiantNumber]

I hope you will find peace

 

[deadbehindtheeyes12]

Im scared. I dont think I can do it today. Im super scared. I think Ill just return home and face whatevers gonna happen. Im too scared to die. I dont know if this is SI, or just a 2nd part of me. Im sorry. Ill try to keep updates, but idk what will face me at home after police intervention. Sorry. Im sorry.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.

No shame my friend there's always another bus

 

[voir2]

Im scared. I dont think I can do it today. Im super scared. I think Ill just return home and face whatevers gonna happen. Im too scared to die. I dont know if this is SI, or just a 2nd part of me. Im sorry. Ill try to keep updates, but idk what will face me at home after police intervention. Sorry. Im sorry.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.
Anxiety ate me and I cant do it.

If you are so scared, please wait. You are so young, maybe your situation will improve. You have not tried psychological help yet.

 

[wren-briar]

Im too scared to die. I dont know if this is SI, or just a 2nd part of me.

At this point, it doesn't matter why - and that is completely okay!

Im sorry.

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about!

Ill try to keep updates,

We'll be happy to get them.

idk what will face me at home after police intervention.

Is there somewhere else you can go ...

• tonight?
• for the weekend?
• until you hear back on the report that you got filed?

Regardless, I suspect you feel a bit defeated, and that's okay, as deadbehindtheeyes12 said, "there's always another bus"!

I really do want you to experience the freedom that comes from truly being on your own. (Again, it's not as free as most adults would want, and it certainly isn't without it's own stress and anxiety, but it's something that I think everyone should experience before getting married, going off to boot camp, and most definitely before CTB because of an abuse parental home!)

 

[Goosechan]

Im scared. I dont think I can do it today. Im super scared. I think Ill just return home and face whatevers gonna happen. Im too scared to die. I dont know if this is SI, or just a 2nd part of me. Im sorry. Ill try to keep updates, but idk what will face me at home after police intervention. Sorry. Im sorry.

You don't have to apologise to us, or anyone. You're doing nothing wrong at all. If anything you're braving out very difficult situations like your home life and have taken actionable steps like the police report. You're even taking steps in taking care of your feelings by sharing some of them here. Even if the situation is terrible and you're feeling a lot of negative feelings, you're doing the exact right things. Sometimes what the world gives us back is not a direct reflection of the actions we put in, if only it were that way

I would appreciate more updates, as you've been on my mind throughout the day. I hope your parents won't be mad at you or eachother when you return home. I hope you can get some rest to process all feelings and events from the past few days.
Busses will be there always, there's no hurry. And if you're scared to die at this moment, then this is not your time yet.

 

[wren-briar]

Off topic:

Have you considered the afterlife at all? As a christian I would be a miss if I didn't ask either way I wish you peace friend

As someone who noticed a somewhat humorous language snafu (or possible Freudian slip, or even possibly just a typo or autocorrect failure), I would be remiss, if I didn't point out that you most likely wanted to use the would "remiss" instead of "a miss".

(However, I also feel compelled to let you know that, "a miss" actually sort of works in this context, which is why it stood out to me, and why I find it somewhat humorous. )

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

At this point, it doesn't matter why - and that is completely okay!
You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about!
We'll be happy to get them.



Is there somewhere else you can go ...

• tonight?
• for the weekend?
• until you hear back on the report that you got filed?

Regardless, I suspect you feel a bit defeated, and that's okay, as deadbehindtheeyes12 said, "there's always another bus"!

I really do want you to experience the freedom that comes from truly being on your own. (Again, it's not as free as most adults would want, and it certainly isn't without it's own stress and anxiety, but it's something that I think everyone should experience before getting married, going off to boot camp, and most definitely before CTB because of an abuse parental home!)

I've came back home. As of right now, 25 minutes have passed. No one besides my grandparents have spoken to me yet, generally acting like i'm a ghost once again, but I guess it's better than nothing. At least I dont hear any screams or anything right now, and I'm being left alone at peace, so I guess it's not too bad. I also finally got some food after over a whole day of fasting, also drank water after around like 20 hours? crazy. And yes, I do feel defeated, but at the same time, it must have been the same entity that has told me to call the police. I don't think I called the police by myself, but rather someone in my head or something just told me that I have to do it now or else the loop will begin to reconstruct even stronger than ever. I'm hoping that this peace I'm at right now lasts as long as possible.

You don't have to apologise to us, or anyone. You're doing nothing wrong at all. If anything you're braving out very difficult situations like your home life and have taken actionable steps like the police report. You're even taking steps in taking care of your feelings by sharing some of them here. Even if the situation is terrible and you're feeling a lot of negative feelings, you're doing the exact right things. Sometimes what the world gives us back is not a direct reflection of the actions we put in, if only it were that way

I would appreciate more updates, as you've been on my mind throughout the day. I hope your parents won't be mad at you or eachother when you return home. I hope you can get some rest to process all feelings and events from the past few days.
Busses will be there always, there's no hurry. And if you're scared to die at this moment, then this is not your time yet.

They are definitely mad. They were mad at me already once the police left, and now they're ghosting me, so they for sure are mad. But at least I'm not being yelled at, but rather ghosted. I had the exact plan how and where to CTB, yet I just failed. I failed completly, I literally started shaking mid class and had a panic attack, anxiety ate me like hell, but this must have some meaning behind it, possibly caused by the same entity that told me to call the police.