Story Farewell! [My goodbye thread]

[Murakami'sCat]

I am sad to hear that you are going through this and the abandonment and neglect from your family and even from your school , who have failed to recognise that a student is in crisis. There are safeguarding procedures to protect students, or so you would think...:(
I wish you could have gotten the support you so badly needed but also recognise that you know yourself and what is best for you. I hope you have gotten some comfort in being able to come here and talk to others and talk about how you feel. <3

 

[BlurredOne]

I'm more than happy to hear the good news, @GalacticWarrior777 ! Heck, even the broken nail will make it the more memorable in the long run. :)
Hope it keeps that way.

I'm also planning to get back into digging deeply into what caused me to lose contact with one of my online friends, hopefully I succeed after over 4 months (I think this is a story for my profile, might post it there one day as it was a person that changed my view on various things a shit ton).

Good luck with that! Keeping in touch with friends while surfing (and drowning) in wave after wave of problems is both restorative and hard to do, heh. Definitely worth the effort though, even for more tough outsiders like myself and I you don't give me the vibes of an especially introverted person (good for you).

I forgot to study for my maths test and also forgot to do my homework. I suck lol, but at least I've got to play some games, and either way, I'll probably pass the test, and the homework wasn't really checked, so I've got nun to worry about.

It so happens that I'm doing my PhD in physics currently and I have an experience as a personal tutor, especially in maths, so I can help you with that if you want. During the pandemics I got used to conducting lessons via explaineverything.com/ so no problem with that if you're interested. Just to make things absolutely clear: we don't talk about any money here; just try to get better man.

PM me if you're interested.

@BlurredOne How did you spend your national holiday?

@Goosechan in the best way one can spend such a day: working in my lab for the brighter future of Polish and global Science. ;)

In Poland the 11th of October is dedicated to the fact that we've regained our country after >120 years of being partitioned among Austria, Prussia and Russia. It kind of sucked to be stripped of our country right after forming Constitution (historically second after the USA's in fact)... Still - here we are still using that 1058 year old national denomination with wicked language. And bad family relationship traditions (but again - which nation doesn't have it)?

No need to snoop. I delayed CTB so much longer than I wanted to precisely because I felt so compelled to write and share my case publically. While I haven't had hope for my own life since the pivot event, I genuinely hope that people who are in positions to affect change can read about and learn from the systemic failures in the MH field -the failures that so utterly and completely broke me- so that other people aren't failed in the same way.

@wren-briar I also took a look recently. Chapeau bas for such an endeavour. It is extremely valuable and I salute you.

 

[iLikeFrogs]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and hope you'll soon get out of that terrible situation. You seem like such an amazing person and you didn't deserve to go through all of this. I really wish you the best<3

 

[BlurredOne]

Hi @GalacticWarrior777. If you feel like it please give us a glimpse of your situation. I hope that things go in a good direction.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I'm alive, idk what to feel like. Idk my current situation or where do I stand.

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

I'm alive, idk what to feel like. Idk my current situation or where do I stand.

Pretty much in the same boat here, though maybe we'll find out the more we fuck around. Either way, welcome back.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

i dont have time to write, it will be quick. The institutions responded. they are interviewing me and my parents, i ahvent been interviewed yet. they want to take me to a shelter, i dont want to go though. ive understood that all of this is because of my stupidity and its my fault. its my fault that all of this happened and its because of that stupid panic attack. idk what to tell them, i want to stay in my home. ive got so far that its not worth leaving im praying that it all ends good hppe to contact everyone once it all goes down

 

[Rye]

Everything good ends quickly, doesn't it? But I didn't expect my luck to run out this quickly.

I assume many of you don't know me yet, so I'll try to state everything as shortly as possible.

The true username of mine will be shared on friday, I'm still in High School due to failing 2nd year and 3rd year. Currently on last year. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress and trauma ever since I turned 6. I live in an abusive family, where freedom of speech and thoughts is non-existent. When I was 6, my brother had an epilepsy attack and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I was 10, my brother's friend died brutally in a car crash. It was the first real devastating experience for me. Around 3 years later, my uncle died. Also the same year, my brother had another epilepsy attack, which happened right infront of me. My dad has alcohol and anger problems, while my mom has just anger problems. They often would argue, but from time to time the what so "peaceful" argues would turn into serious conflicts, during which I was scared all the time, often would just stay in my room and put on something to mute their voices, which I still do to this day. Throughout all the years, even after telling my parents that I want to visit a psychologist, they never agreed to let me visit one, so quite literally, I was left with all the stress and trauma fully to myself, which had soon started evolving into more serious problems, such as depression and anxiety. To this day I never had visited a psychologist, even when I tried to visit one by myself, I was being stopped by my family. My family doesn't believe in mental problems and think that it's all just fake and that I'm fully fine, and that there are way more important things, such as school.

I've tried finding help in friends, but none of them were willing to help. I went from having over 15 friends to having only 1 "friend" nowadays, as all of them left me after I tried telling them about my mental problems. I'm still being bullied a lot due to my fucked up sense of humor by the idiots. I've switched to living fully online, as I find people way cooler here. I've met a couple of wonderful people online, and am grateful to their support, sadly, it is not enough, and will never be enough. Such problems are to be fixed from the root only.

Anyways, that would be all you need to know about me. I've recently had some luck, and somehow I actually felt less depressed for the past couple of weeks, but it's all gone now. It's no longer here. My luck has ended.

I've already postponed my CTB by 3 months, and I don't feel like it's worth waiting any longer, that's why I've made a decision to CTB this friday. If it won't work, then keep on trying until success.​

I can't take it anymore, that there's so many people that have finally got to rest, but I'm still waiting like an idiot for some miracle. Some of you could be curious about my method, so I'll state my plan below:

• I check if I have everything I need to CTB on thursday
• 1 PM friday, start fasting
• 9 PM friday, minimalise water consumption
• 10 PM friday, take ibuprofen or paracetamol,
• 10:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. Otherwise wait until 11 PM.
• 11 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, drink SN. If not, take ibuprofen or paracetamol again.
• 11:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. If not, postpone the CTB.
• 12 AM, drink SN.

Do the preparations somewhere in the meantime. Once SN is taken, lay down and comment under this thread about the experience until I pass out. Prepare a bin near my bed for possible vomits. If vomit, take 2nd cup of SN UNLESS I can't due to taste or other problems.

I'll need to make sure that everyone in my house is sleeping. It is a risky choice to CTB in my house, but under just the right circumstances, it is possible to do it. I'm still thinking about running outside and doing it somewhere on a field, but it won't be as comfy as doing it in my house. I'll try my best not to vomit, as vomitting will increase the risk of being found due to loud sound.

That's my plan. I hope it all works out and I finally get to rest well <333

I will miss my online friends, as they have made my life just a bit less miserable and helped me escape from all the stressful events. I will also miss you all, as I've found this community so different from everyone else that it's just hard to describe. It's caring and united so much, as we all suffer and share some things in common.

Feel free to ask questions, i'll try to reply to each single one of them up until my CTB. I'll be noting down the experience, and hopefully I get one of my online friends to stay on call with me until I pass out? Either way, I wish that each single one of yall also gets some well deserved rest from all this suffering.

Galacticwarrior777​

I hope you're able to rest peacefully, and things go smoothly and pain free. I know it doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but i'll be thinking of you. Rest well.

i dont have time to write, it will be quick. The institutions responded. they are interviewing me and my parents, i ahvent been interviewed yet. they want to take me to a shelter, i dont want to go though. ive understood that all of this is because of my stupidity and its my fault. its my fault that all of this happened and its because of that stupid panic attack. idk what to tell them, i want to stay in my home. ive got so far that its not worth leaving im praying that it all ends good hppe to contact everyone once it all goes down

None of what you did was stupid. You are struggling, and the people around you are perpetuating that. It's not stupid of you to want to get out, or to live in a safer environment. Whatever happens next, i hope you know you've done nothing wrong. The people in your life have failed you, not the other way around.

 

[weiyus123..]

I think I will CTB tomorrow. Im scared. Im shaking in fear, anxiety and shock and cold. its cold. super cold. i was sleeping. my parents argued probably. my mom wnet somewhwre and woke me up. said i need to go somewhwre tomorrow. idk whwre. i want to die. this is too much. is this me or is this someone else. hello? its me > i want todie. i want to die there is no escape nowhere is safe anymore only death is safe i want to die.

Its too far away. i cant try. i would collapse, i already feel like a dead person. its super cold and idk what to do. probably insane anxiety caused this, i cant fall asleep no matter what. i dont feel safe. im scared for my fucking life. this is like a nightmare.

Are you Chinese? Me too.

 

[BlurredOne]

i dont have time to write, it will be quick. The institutions responded. they are interviewing me and my parents, i ahvent been interviewed yet. they want to take me to a shelter, i dont want to go though. ive understood that all of this is because of my stupidity and its my fault. its my fault that all of this happened and its because of that stupid panic attack. idk what to tell them, i want to stay in my home. ive got so far that its not worth leaving im praying that it all ends good hppe to contact everyone once it all goes down

Hey, everything you've written right from the beginning of this thread is far from being "your fault".

You've consistently described us such a long story of (emotional) negligence on your family's side that only thing I can say now is: don't let yourself be drowned in self-pity and don't let anyone (be it yourself, your family or other people) to drown you in such misdirected accusations. Being on the verge of actual ctb is not some garden variety "emotional stress" or "stupidity". It's a sign of compunded problem growing for a long time and it's as far from "your fault" as possible!

It seems strange for me that they didn't interview you before anyone else tbh. Please, try to be as open as possible with yourself and with the institution you've asked for help and try to assure yourself and others that you don't want to be a mere object in the process but a full-fledged side of the whole situation. Let yourself and others know that you've brought up this whole situation to gain more control over your own life and mental growth and not to be just put in different cage. After all there are other methods than putting you in the shelter. Family curators for example - something for you to lean against in the time of trouble.

 

[CatLvr]

Tangential post (but not in the way in will appear at first glance)



Yesterday, before I had even posted here, I had actually considered the possibility that y'all might be celebrating Armistice Day (I knew that several European countries called it that) or something else similar. For example, we yanks, are celebrating Veteran's Day today.

As I've understood it, most Armistice Day "celebrations" focused on the allies having won WWI and/the service members who fought in WWI.

Here in the States, "Veterans Day" actually started off as an Armistice celebration, but after WWII it was turned into a celebration of all veterans. We also have "Memorial Day" which is a holiday to honor those who gave their lives in our defense, and as I understand it, our Memorial Day is much more comparable to Armistice Day.

For example, I've known for quite a while about wearing Poppies, and that that tradition started because of a poem about a veterans' graveyard becoming a field of poppies. But here in the States, while it's far from common, you're still much more likely to see someone wearing a poppy pin on Memorial Day than on Veterans Day (put another way, the former is the commemorate those who "gave all", while the later is the celebrate " all who served".)

So yesterday I did a search for "does Poland celebrate armistice day" and got enough hits for "Armed Forces Day" (celebrated in Aug) and wasn't easily finding anything any other results that looked like they would be relevant for today (e.g. under "see also" section of the "Armed Forces Day" wikipedia page), that I came to the conclusion that y'all didn't have a comparable Nov 11th celebration. At which point I posted my previous comment.

So, when I saw @BlurredOne 's response, I had a total "Huh? WTF?" moment, at which point I checked my browser (yep, my search history confirms that I had searched for "was does Poland celebrate armistice day"). Which led to me going down a rabbit hole of "how the heck did my search not pull that up yesterday"? To add insult, when I ran the exact same search today, the very first hit was for the "National Independence Day (Poland)" Wikipedia page, and "Armed Forces Day" didn't even show up on the first page of hits. WTF? Like seriously, WTF?

And to add just a wee bit of personal insult, when I pulled up the "Armistice Day" to see if it might have indicated that a Poland has a comparable holiday, I learned that that isn't even what most allies have actually been celebrating, that it evolved into "Remembrance Day" long before I was even born, so why have I thought y'all were celebrating "Armistice Day" for the last 5 decades?

Seriously

My brain hurts now.

Regardless:

@GalacticWarrior777 - I hope you're doing well and that we hear from you soon.

@BlurredOne - Thank you for pointing out that today is y'alls Independence Day and I hate you for sending me down this path.

To all the Polish folks here - Happy Independence Day!

To all my fellow American veteran's - Happy Veterans day!

To every one who has lost a friend or family member in combat - I'm sorry for your loss.

And to all those who "gave all" to defend their land, their freedom, and their people - Thank you for your sacrifice!

Goodness, I learned an awful lot from your post. And I am what can only be referred to as "elderly" at this point in my life! Thank you for that lesson in holidays and what they "mean".

i dont have time to write, it will be quick. The institutions responded. they are interviewing me and my parents, i ahvent been interviewed yet. they want to take me to a shelter, i dont want to go though. ive understood that all of this is because of my stupidity and its my fault. its my fault that all of this happened and its because of that stupid panic attack. idk what to tell them, i want to stay in my home. ive got so far that its not worth leaving im praying that it all ends good hppe to contact everyone once it all goes down

How in the world you think any of this is your fault is -- well -- it just is NOT your fault, at all!! If people would treat each other how they want to be treated there would be a lot less pain amd suffering in the world. Yes, you may have shortcomings but from what I see here in just this thread alone you are a kind, smart, sensitive individual who needs to be treated with a lot more respect than you have received from those who say they love you. Btdt. Much as it suck you may find you have to walk away like I did, but if they are trying (and only you will know) then I am hopeful.that you will be fine in the end.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I think I will ask for my account to be deactivated. I want all my messages to be gone, all the trace of me to be gone. I'm not thinking about any suicide, but I just want to be gone from this site. I believe that this is the best decision to make, and that's it. See you all, godspeed everyone and hope that something finally changes in this world of mental problems and struggles! Peace!

 

[deadstillwalking]

I think I will ask for my account to be deactivated. I want all my messages to be gone, all the trace of me to be gone. I'm not thinking about any suicide, but I just want to be gone from this site. I believe that this is the best decision to make, and that's it. See you all, godspeed everyone and hope that something finally changes in this world of mental problems and struggles! Peace!

came a bit late but I truly hope things go well in your life. I'll be praying for you to whichever god there is out there