It's fucked up how often good people end up in relationships with people that just want to use them until they get bored and abandon them so they can find new prey. It's even worse that you had to be one of those unfortunate enough to be in that situation. Even though I know there is a possibility of finding the right person and being in a relationship that is perfect for those involved in it, it happens so rarely that I don't even want to bother playing that game either. It's like trying to win the lottery. You can buy hundreds of tickets, but if you lose every time and end up broke, then what was the point of trying?
I'm sorry that you had to end up in this situation, but at least you have a way out. As much time as you have spent planning this and getting everything ready, I hope that the end result is worth it. I hope you find the peace that you need, but I wish you didn't have to die to get it.
Wow! Irs funny, because I use the lottery illustration too! I really thought I had won! Imgine going in to cash your ticket to find out that your ticket was a fruad! athe grief I'm in and the anger just pushed me over the edge. Its not worth it. I am glad that death is an option. I just wish this guy didnt have to be so cruel. If we could have just had a closure talk, then even tho I would have been devastates still, i would have known that he had a good time with me but it just dint work out. But this, is a whole new level of SAVAGRY that my innocence can't deal with. I mean seriously, what kind of guy does this? Singing, smoking laughing----- dacing to our favorite bands and DJs we have in common. Our first date was 10 hours! I just dont get it. Ipanciked when he started to pull away .I have been feeling liek I have been dying, he woudl igmore my texts for days---- but I was smitten. He spent 100$ on vape pens, we went to the grocery store and out to eat-- he paif for everything.
I have bad annixety and use small soft stuffed animals to carry with me in public, to rub and sniff (i put lavender oil on them)--somethimes when I feel nervous. Now : I WAS CARRYING AROUND MY ANXIETY STUFFED ANIMAL WHEN HE TOOK ME OUT IN PUBLIC. I HAD IT ON THE NIGHTSTAND NEXT TO US WHEN WE HAD SEX AT THE HOTEL WHEN WE WENT OUT. He knew about my sucide attempt, I told him I loved him on on the second date---- this would run any other guy away or at least say something. But he just said that he liked me and that was it.
I tried to tell myself it was JUST MY BPD- and trust issues and to give him a chance. I got so scared the first week, I didn't call him and I missed out on a date he was going to take me on---- he intimidated me m eotioanlly. I was cared, but he filled my need for physical affection in a way i did know was possible. I can't get how he massaged me and touched me for hours---- he was a controlling giver---- he would give me pleasure for yours stright and didnt care if I did naything to him. I got so tired of meeting men on apps who were looking for a free hooker- It was a breath of fresh air to have all this attention and physcial intimacy.
HE EVEN TOLD ME HE WASN'T JUST IN IN FOR THE SEX! I hate him. He diestroed what was left of me. And I hope he has a grain of humanity left in his tortured cold sadistic sould when he sees that I really did die. I have never used suicide as a way to gain attention, or threaten or manipulate. this shit is real. and I'm sich of everything. im soooooo done. The hurt, the sinking belly in the morning, the GREIF, the ANGER, the helplessness......
And I'm standing n the middle of a voide screming: "..WHHHHYYYYY?" WHYYYYYY? Why ? what was the fucking pint of all of that? FOR ONE DAY OF SEX? Really? If the dude was ugly, Id get it. But this is a 6'2'' hot, muscular, motorcycle riding, masculine, hispanic with long black hair, high cheekbones, and a HUGE COCK! He didn't strike me as the kidn of guy that needed to overcompensate just to get some pussy from a cute fat girl online- and a fragile one .
This world is just crazy, none of this makes any sense. But will make sense is getting out of here. It lockdown. i cant work. Illl be out of money soon anyway.
And men wonder y women turn into savages!..smdh..I can b a sweetheart if i need to AND I can also b a TOTAL BITCH.. n PROUD!..
Men often take our genuine kindness for weakness..I found out yrs ago that nice girls finish last with some of these men..F'em!
Your right. You hit the nail on the head. I am the "Nice Girl" and for that reason alone I am going to kill myself. Why shoud l I have to change ESPECIALLY when the crime is being nice and kind and understanding-- I'm weak so what? That's what the fuck I need a MAN for!!!!! He's supposed to be the one with enought masculinity to be able to deal with a little femine crybaby like myself. The one who is suipposed to protect me, is the one who slayed me. I am not built for this game. Its okay. Fuck it--- let all the femDoms, confident women, women withhigh self esteem, bitches and all that win the game. I never stood a chance with my histoy and how trauma shaped me. There is no reasonw why he had to do me liek that- to run away and ghoeast me at the end makes him a PUSSY. An COWARD. and a PUNK. All behind the huge cock, 6'2 of muscles------ I'll never undertand. Fuck this world! Thursday can't come quickly enough! Time is dragging so slow----- just 3 more days of humiliation and anguish....... in a constant sate of grief and anxiety.
I am so sorry life has brought you to this...i wish for you a calm heart and a peaceful journey whatever you choose...hugs
Thank you.
I'm so very sorry that you're at this juncture in life. You seem wise and perceptive and so much of what you say resonates with me. I wish we'd got to know each other on the forum, I think it would have been enjoyable chatting with you. I hope you find peace. ❤
Thank you..its been a long time coming. I'll be here till Thurs, I know its not long but feel free to pm me if there is anything I can do for you.
Well
So very sorry to read this, CI. I can say as a man, that men range from emotionally childish to having no EQ at all and up to learning to be emotionally connected to women but in many cases we are jerks whether we intend to be or not. You completely deserve someone to treat you well. My only advice is to try and think about whether the pain you feel and suicidal ideation is because another person was a jerk or because you emotionally are ready to CTB because of a lifetime of pain that never stops. If it's because of a string of Aholes and any reason associated with suicide is linked to their treatment of you then think hard about it. They may be such humongous buttheads that they have no idea that they have hurt dozens of women including yourself.
I hope you are ok and are working toward peace for yourself.
he's gonna know when he wakes up my suicide texts........ Its because I will always finish last. Nice girls finish last. Fat girls finish last. Black girls fisnish last. Girl with BPD or mental illness finish last. It like I got the cosmic lottery "MISERY" assortment! My chances of finding love on planet earth as a homospaien is nothing. I hate myself for needing it, but that just how I am wired. I tried to be happy alone. I tried to be confident on my own. But I really do need a partner and that is frowned upon in my culture so I am leaving. Its sad because I would have been loyal, I love to cook, am very clean and domestic, sexually adventiours, I keep myself looking very pretty and feminine- I wear makeup and dresses all the time---- I am creative, funny, a great dancer, sensitive, and maternal. But not good enough. Because Im not a ball-busting bitch that sees men as a ATM machine, I can't get anyhing but heartache--- so fuck it. I was really ulgy and obese growin up in all those instutiions and group homes-- I was fat and obese in college and didn;t know I had BPD till I was 40-- all these wasted years-- faling thru the crcks of the systems of mentla health and no one could help me till the end----- I now have therapist--- but I'm too far gone now- Im soooooo tired honey. I can't do another lap around the shithole mountain. But thak for you for posting from a guys perspective. i truly appreciare it.
