Discussion Pre-Goodbye Thread. I Need Support. Thursday. No turning back.

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hope you're spending your time doing the things you enjoy sweetie, eating good food, enjoying music and the sunshine. Been thinking about you today because despite your sad situation I feel like you're such a light of a person, so friendly and kind to others even after everything.

Hi! thank you so much... I did decide that in spite of lockdown to do a few things nice--- as I exit. I bought a new bong to smoke my potout of, I havent owned one in like 15 years...... I also have soruced a place to buy my last food. I want to have gormet bacon mapel doghnuts!!!!! lol.... I do feel like I am tender and kind, I certainly have a bad side like everyone else--- I can be selfish and snappy- but I think I feel like at least I will try to rectify the siuation if someone comes and telling me I have hurt them in some way which is why this dude blowing me off when he knows I;m emotioanlly compromised ----- I'm like WOW REALLY? But yes, thank you-- it feels so surreal-- i need peace.
Th

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, you seem like a genuinely kind soul and did not deserve to be treated like that. I wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you--- I doubt I could ever find the best on this hellish planet--- I'm appalled at the cruelty out there------like witht he lockdown and protests- I dont even want to share a PLANET with motherfuckers liek these who say: "We won't sacrifce our freedom for your health.." Like WTF??? What kind of twilight zone zombie apocolypse nightmare is this???

Humans are bad, that's a fact. And men are the worst half of humanity. Don't get me wrong, I've been manipulated and betrayed by women, more than I would like. But horrors of this world almost always come from men. Rapes, wars, religions... It's like a rule that would have only one exception ; M. Thatcher ^^

Being pretty, sweet, sensitive, will help to get a partner, that's a fact. But it won't help avoiding betrayal or, selfishness in men. So yes, time can fuck things up, unless you can find someone special. It can happen, and why not, after all? It actually happened to a friend of mine. She was sweet and beautiful, she was honest and kind, but always ended with assholes. Until she met a decent guy who never hurt her.

Anyway, I hope love (or missing love) is not what makes you wanna leave the world. Love could happen anytime, sooner or later, while you're in therapy or when you will be better. I wish you that, sincerely. The sooner the better.

Just don't lose hope on love. Love is hard to find and hard to keep for everyone. But it happens, often, to a lot of people. It's nothing about fairness or justice, bad people and good people can find love. I don't see why you couldn't.

I agree with you. I'm just tired honey. :(

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and suffering you bear. I admit lack of love is a factor that drives me to be suicidal, and I'm just too skeptical to be able to find a girl who loves me back. Just no, especially after countless failed attempts. Maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone.

Anyway, wish you luck for your journey, hopefully it's peaceful enough. Even if you want to turn back somehow, we're still here for you.

Thank you! Fr many of us love is the driver and motivator to engage in life----- sad it has to be such a mess for such a basic need of humans. i hate being a human, I think i would have had a much better life as a dog.

Checking in Crushed.... thinking of you.

Hi.....! Winding down...

 

[suicideintended]

I understand BPD all to well...im 32 and I definitely feel quite the same as you. My heart goes out to you completely. You are not alone nor should you be during your final days since you've experienced such heavy loneliness throughout your life. You can PM if you would like. If you need to say anything and you're not sure where else to say it, I'll listen. Your final days if you so choose should be as peaceful as it can be. best wishes and pure peace for me to you, love ❤

 

[Alain]

I agree with you. I'm just tired honey. :(

I can feel that is all your posts, and it breaks my heart. It really does :(

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I hope you're still with us. Here's my version of support. I will challenge you but I support your decision whatever it is . I may still be labeled a prolifer. I haven't yet responded to anyone here at SS. I think this is my first time. I'm usually very reserved at engaging myself . I don't get on every day but I do find different ways of looking at my own issues by reading the thoughts posted by all of the great individuals here who have the courage to share . I know this forum exists to be accepting of this topic without judging but I don't think this means we shouldn't challenge a person just a little. Should we just stand by and only encourage someone to ctb without at least some kind of suggestion or observations ? But to be clear, I totally accept anyone's right to choose whether they want to go on living or not hence my screen name .Your current situation reminds me of the song by U2 - "Don't let the bastards wear you down". Life is certainly going to throw you some whoppers from time to time. Whoever this guy was I see him as an inevitability. I've known guys like him myself and there are so many like him. It's in their DNA to be the way they are . I'm not saying he's good or bad though because I don't know him . They want to put as many marks on the bedposts as they can to coin an old tacky phrase. Certain aspects of society and different cultures foster this kind of behavior btw. And this may have not been his intention but we'll never know this of course. Some people refer to them as alpha males. They usually leave a long trail of destruction in their wakes. Hormones probably have a lot to do with it and some of it is nature , some of it nurture. Biology versus society and culture is a goddamn mess in my purview. Personally I think you have a lot of intelligence and many things to accomplish in your life. Right now you're kind of locked into this tunnel vision state of mind and that's what's so dangerous for you right now . A good friend of mine who is an attorney refers to this as "being in the fish bowl" . It's all a relativity thing. If this was someone else you were close to what would you be telling them? All I'm trying to do is to get you to break out of this pattern you're in if even for a moment for another perspective. (I'll probably get flamed all to hell for this too LOL) . At this point in your life this thing happened and as I see it you're hyperfocused on it in terms of where you are at this stage in your life. But this is only right now . It's a snapshot at one point in your life. You say you're done and this it . Ok , I get that and accept that . Frankly I wouldn't give this prick the satisfaction of you checking out over him . This is only how I see I know but if you give yourself some time all of this may become less relevant. I don't know how long ago this happened but checking out over a short term relationship , mmm, maybe , maybe not . I know you already feel like you've had enough and believe me I understand that but you could live the rest of your life by yourself and be ok like I have (I'm 55 male) . Try to give yourself some more value than this one rough patch. One event in your life DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. I felt this way about two years ago and wanted to check out every day. I found this site by looking up info on how I wanted to do it and I chose almost the same method as you - helium - only using the diving mask that the guy in Australia had set up because it cycles out the CO2 . From my research , it's oxygen that is attached to any molecule that makes your body put up a fight . Anyway , at the time , my mother was here at home dying and we had decided she was staying here which I'm so glad I did . I knew I had to wait at least for her to pass. Strangely , since she has passed just over a year ago I don't have these feelings near as much. In my imagination I always hope somehow she has something to do with this but obviously I have no proof. It could very well be wishful thinking I know. Well , I hope I didn't go on too long or piss you off either . I just don't think this douchebag is worth you ending it all . It's only my opinion I know , I'm only one guy you never met, but I say slow down for a moment . You sound like you could do so much more with you life even if it's another few weeks or months or longer. Some people come back better than ever after a trauma too . There is no shame in saying you changed your mind either. You can keep your equipment and if anyone finds it , well it's helium , you know , for balloons ! I would say in closing , look up the Desiderata. It may sound cliche and it may not .It's very old and the author is unknown . I won't bother posting it but whoever wrote it probably did so from a life of experiences of happiness and disappointment . My favorite part of it is this -

' Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.'

Your so sweet. I get it all. I have spent much time in contemplation, debate, analyzing. This dude was just the straw that broke this camels back, my story is one of dozens, even hundreds of straws--- so yes, he gonna get highlighted becase he was the one who pulled the block at the botttom on the Jenga tower. The tower was already unstable, all it took was for one wrong move. But ultimately this is just the end of a looooooooooooooooooong string of pain in my life. I'm going to type out my life story and post it tomorrow so ppl have persoective and also for the pro-lifers. Trust me honey, I would not chose this if I felt I had an alternative that was suitable FOR ME. I am tired. Exhausted. Been running on fumes for a long time. I don't want to be a part of this world anymore.

I'm so sorry sweetie.. Love is supposed to be beautiful... I really think there's still someone out there for you...

Whatever you decide, go with peace in your heart x

Thank you!!!!! I never want to go on a date ever again.... I'm done. Its over fuck this life. I hate being a woman anyway.....lol..... The BPD makes my life unbearable at this point. I can't stay here for other people. For once I need something for me.

My ex of 6 years dumped me over the phone 2 days after my cat died unexpectedly in front of me. All he said is "I just don't feel the same " that's it. After 6 years and in a dark place for me. I never got an answer. I never do. I get ghosted by people who have been in my life for years. Nothing ever makes sense to me. I'm sorry that people act like this. That we can be so affected by horrible people and they don't bat an eye. We are so disposable to them. So easily replaced. It makes you feel like you will never truly matter to anyone. So I get this.

Yes, you described it perfectly. I'm no longer interested in living in a dimension where such a phenomenon even exists...... fuck it. For me it's not worth it to continue to live here. I never signed up for the game of "Planet Earth: The STRUGGLE EDITION" ------ I just woke up here one day, being beaten, hurt, used and then my brain is all fucked up so I dont feel like I have a fair shot. Everything is random chance and luck. I have simply been unlucky, and anyone who suggest that I just need to "make my own luck.." HA! Been there done that..... tried all kinds of personal development shit..... 12 step, therapy, conferences, yoga, metaphysics, relgion...... NOP I DONE..lmao............. I know these people have been hurt too---but also maybe just born that way. We are just animals and just liek Lions prey and hunt and kill, humans do it to one another---- It just the law of the jungle in a concrete enironment. I feel power in choosing to opt out of something I never opted into.....

I just read this thread, and I'm going through pretty much the same thing as you.
I was recently ghosted by the girl I fell in love with. Just discarded like a piece of trash.
We used to stay up all night talking on the phone, texting all day.
She made me hopeful for my future for the first time in forever. I was ready to do whatever I had to do to provide for her, to take care of her, to make sure she never wanted for anything as long as I was alive, and to be sure she was provided for after I died.
Well, one day I accidentally hurt her feelings. I apologised for it profusely, but that wasn't enough. She decided to hurt me back. Tenfold.
I'm absolutely crushed now. I gave her my heart and she destroyed it. I'm back to having no reason to do anything. I don't have the energy to do this shit anymore. Nice guys finish last, too.
I'm sorry you've found yourself at this place in your life. You seem very sweet and kind. I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you choose to do. I feel like the world will be a poorer place without you in it.
(P.S. - What Morrissey songs were you singing?)

We sang "Suedehead" the only Morreisey song I knew. He introduced me to the cure and played the famous "LOVE SONG" while we hung out. I hate him..... ugh.... I'm sooooooo sorry-- I-I-I-I I'm sooooooo so ah ah ah ary! lol

I'm so sorry you got hurt like that, I'm disgusted by humanity. I This is where we are and that is just what we do to each other-------- I guess people just learn to live with it and accpet it------ its so crazy!!!!! Why is mating/dating and love such a problem? I think this might be a first-world problem. I should have been born in a remote tribe.......

I understand BPD all to well...im 32 and I definitely feel quite the same as you. My heart goes out to you completely. You are not alone nor should you be during your final days since you've experienced such heavy loneliness throughout your life. You can PM if you would like. If you need to say anything and you're not sure where else to say it, I'll listen. Your final days if you so choose should be as peaceful as it can be. best wishes and pure peace for me to you, love ❤

Thank you...... I really apprecite it. I really feel the need to have peace over the next 2 days... :)

 

[GHOST99]

Make these next days about you girl! It is sad to see a kind SS soul in their last days, but it is sadder to see them suffering after trying so hard to live. I will remember you, Crushed.

 

[SGDynamite]

Sleep Good Honey.

 

[Good4Nothing]

We sang "Suedehead" the only Morreisey song I knew. He introduced me to the cure and played the famous "LOVE SONG" while we hung out. I hate him..... ugh.... I'm sooooooo sorry-- I-I-I-I I'm sooooooo so ah ah ah ary! lol

Here's one for tomorrow. The Smiths, but technically still Morrissey.

 

[Smudgedlines]

Am weirdly happy that you have a solution in place but very sad that you are in this position. Wish it could be different. Here for you crushed

 

[Soul]

I'm thinking of you, @Crushed_Innocence. Are you finding stuff to enjoy? Are you feeling physically ok? When do you check into your 4star place? Be good to yourself x

 

[Bct]

Thank you! Fr many of us love is the driver and motivator to engage in life----- sad it has to be such a mess for such a basic need of humans. i hate being a human, I think i would have had a much better life as a dog.

Indeed it's one of the hardest basic needs to be obtained by us humans. Wish it's something generally easy to obtain as food and beverages, but I just lost hope.

Most people love dogs (and also cats) and don't have to do bullshits like working just to stay alive, so I agree with you.

 

[Deleted member 14177]

Wishing you peace

 

[warinmymind]

Doughnuts are actually my favourite food to, the simple little pleasures of tasty carbs :) wherever you are I hope you're doing well sweetie. Remember you can stay talking to everyone here if you'd like to, for as long as you like to. It's alright to change your mind to or just want to wait for another time if that happens. No matter what ctb is something you can entirely control, which I find so comforting, it is always your choice no one can take from you and no matter what you're in my thoughts and heart.

edit: I just finished reading your life story post. I honestly don't know how someone survives that kind of life for as long as you have, it was a very painful, visceral and heartbreaking story to read. I genuinely mean it when I say you did amazing, you did so well all this time. You're such a strong woman you sweet girl and everything failed you but you. You held on as long as you could. I'm so proud of you.

 

[Brackenshire]

Crushed, after reading this i feel i know you. You are a passionate sweet lady who has survived a hard life. I applaud you for being a strong lady, you deserve so much more..i hope you are enjoying your time doing fun things. If you decide to stay, will be welcomed back ....Brackenshire

 

[It'sMyLife]

The bus takes you to the airport. Wishing you blue skies and a gentle tailwind on your flight out tonight CI

 

[NothingLeft071110]

Hello friend,
What is your method?? & have you thought of a partner? Sometimes it may feel better to not do this alone

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

No offense @NothingLeft071110 but you are a new user...you should try and read the rules and learn about forum etiquette. This user has several posts and threads that can be found by searching the username.

seems a bit in poor taste to be the newest comment on a goodbye thread saying "hi friend how and when are you going and where are you" imho....I mean wtf?

Hello friend,
How do you plan on leaving?? & where are you located?

 

[Living sucks]

@Crushed_Innocence where are you? hope you are ok wherever you are

 

[NothingLeft071110]

No offense @NothingLeft071110 but you are a new user...you should try and read the rules and learn about forum etiquette. This user has several posts and threads that can be found by searching the username.

seems a bit in poor taste to be the newest comment on a goodbye thread saying "hi friend how and when are you going and where are you" imho....I mean wtf?

What does being a new user have to do with anything? I am still trying to learn and maneuver through this site. I said what I said to her, I don't have to explain myself to YOU.
And what???? Yeah, wtf to your spelling. I didn't get what you wrote either.

 

[niloc]

Good luck on your journey.

 

[Living sucks]

What does being a new user have to do with anything? I am still trying to learn and maneuver through this site. I said what I said to her, I don't have to explain myself to YOU.
And what???? Yeah, wtf to your spelling. I didn't get what you wrote either.

There is a partners megathread on the main page. You can post and read other partner requests. READ The rules before posting there as it states. The best way to become acquainted with the site is read the Rules and FAQ page which is below the partners thread on main page.
This is a goodbye thread so not really the place For this discussion but you can't pm yet so there's no other way to tell you .
Welcome

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hello friend,
What is your method?? & have you thought of a partner? Sometimes it may feel better to not do this alone

Exit bag. Couldnt find a partner in time

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

I get that. I said no offense but offered a suggestion. On this site we are a community and get to know some people on a personal level. OP has a very traumatic and deep story and has been really open to sharing it and has interacted with a lot of us. I'm just saying maybe don't start from ground zero on a goodbye thread at the very end. It's emotional for those of us that connect with OP. It's in poor taste. But sure, attack my spelling even though there are no typos. Maybe you didn't get my acronyms but hey ‍

What does being a new user have to do with anything? I am still trying to learn and maneuver through this site. I said what I said to her, I don't have to explain myself to YOU.
And what???? Yeah, wtf to your spelling. I didn't get what you wrote either.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

No offense @NothingLeft071110 but you are a new user...you should try and read the rules and learn about forum etiquette. This user has several posts and threads that can be found by searching the username.

seems a bit in poor taste to be the newest comment on a goodbye thread saying "hi friend how and when are you going and where are you" imho....I mean wtf?

Hi beyond, your so sweet. I love u. Its okay. I want peace on my last threads. I answered him....

@Crushed_Innocence where are you? hope you are ok wherever you are

Im here.. preparing for the bus

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

we are all here for you. I really didn't mean to offend. Hope you're doing okay Sweet friend

 

[Lostandfound7]

I love u, my soul sister... I am so so so so beyond sad to see u go..I miss u already..But so happy that u will finally be at peace..

Rest easy, you beautiful, sweet, gentle soul

 

[Glowbaby]

My ex of 6 years dumped me over the phone 2 days after my cat died unexpectedly in front of me. All he said is "I just don't feel the same " that's it. After 6 years and in a dark place for me. I never got an answer. I never do. I get ghosted by people who have been in my life for years. Nothing ever makes sense to me. I'm sorry that people act like this. That we can be so affected by horrible people and they don't bat an eye. We are so disposable to them. So easily replaced. It makes you feel like you will never truly matter to anyone. So I get this.

I will never understand the ghosting. My ex Who lived with me ghosted me after 4 years. He had just gone into rehab for prescription drug use. I didnt talk to him while he was there and assumed he was just working on himself. Everything was great between us when he went in. When he got out after 30 days he filed a restraining order against me that was false on all ends ironically he was the one who was physically abusive towards me. I hired an attorney, spent way too much $ but he agreed to withdraw. I was served the papers a week after my daughter was killed. Its made me question what and who is real in this life and like you said, its as if you are disposable. As devastating as that was i can honestly now that nothing has compared to the pain of the death of my daughter