Discussion Pre-Goodbye Thread. I Need Support. Thursday. No turning back.

[idek]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. Loneliness is such a weight - and I didn't always understand that because I was connected for so long... but it's... the further you sink the more people jump ship.

I wish people weren't like that... and that guy that left when you were struggling the most... fuck him so much - everyone's there when you have energy and it serves them. They're so fucking selfish.

I hope you find peace in however you move forward. I'm not going to say "good for you" or hope that you succeed... because that's honestly not where I'm coming from...
But no matter if the future leads you to the end of your life or just another chapter of struggle (or, if lucky, relief), I hope that your free of this pain.

Take care, as best you can, in life or death.
I wish you the best.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Thank you so much for your kinds words, I'm drinking them all in...... He was just the straw that broke the camels back again..... It really blindsighted me because I always felt insecure about him staying around, it was hot and cold. But I never thought that if he did leave that if I reached out to him he would ignore me. He has always responded to me eventually, when I texted or called. But this time is different. And it hurts. It feel like being out in the snow and someone bringing you in and siting with you in front of the fire and handing you a cup of hot cocoa, and then without warning, they kick the cup out of your hand, grab you by the collar and throw you back out into the snow with out telling you why the did is as they slam the door shut and you can hear them clicking all the locks. For me its the being ignored that is driving me crazy. I am angry and want to have the final say. I hate that I am like this and feel sooooo stupid. I feel pathetic. I feel like what no woman wants to be. I am the proverbial doormat. And it all stems from how trauma wired me emotioanlly. It sucks. And if I had the energy, I would dive deep into recovery, but I am tired. And the loss of this man and what it meant to me runs deep..... I have no reason to ever believe that I will be lucky enough to gain the attention of the real thing. A tall, dark and handsome man who is really into me and wants to see me happy and please me. And that's okay. Life does not owe me anything and While I accept the rules of the game----- I don't have to play by them, cause I can't. And I I can't ever be fully free of the pain. It sucks, the world is full of reminders everywhere of how i'm insignifigant. Even shopping at the grocery stores and hearing love songs play..... commericals and billboards, and seeing couples holding hands walking down the street. I have nowhere left to hide from ever-present, reminders, and feelings that have been with me since I was a child: Of being inferior, unwanted, pathetic, worthless, insignifigant, a failure and weak.

 

[I screwed up]

Hey girl, I have always read ur posts with interest. U always come across as a nice gentle soul. To see u go is very heartbreaking ... Wish u could stay .I know u feel ur time has come but I will miss u here. I have tears in my eyes as I type this ..but I guess all of us are hear to ctb one day. Take care love. U deserve all the love and care in this world. I will always be there for u babe.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I am sorry to read this. But I just wanted you to know that I am going through the same thing. hurts like fuck.

 

[warinmymind]

Hello this is my first post on this site but your post has honestly moved me to tears. I just want to say you deserve all the love and affection you need and then more. I'd hug you so tight and close if I could, rest your head on my chest and stroke your back because you deserve that. A hug is such a tiny little gift to easily give someone but some beautiful people like yourself just don't get them enough because so many people are cold and selfish. I know you were a dear and sweet child to and deserved every bit of love and affection and hugs. I have BPD as well so I can relate to alot of the feelings you have. I'm rambling sorry I just wanted to say that you seem to be such a beautiful delicate soul and I hope all the words of comfort you can receive in this time really genuinely helps and soothes you. I hope whatever happens these next few days you find peace and calm.

 

[Alec]

I'm with you, and I'm thinking about you, you are not alone I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

 

[Sadkitty]

I understand how cruel people are as well. No one ever stays in my life for long. So I get your decision. I'm curious where you found pure helium though?

 

[Smudgedlines]

How are you doing crushed?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

How are you doing crushed?

Hi Smudged.... Im devastated. Sad. Broken hearted. I feel stupid, a sucker, a fool. So much rage & anger. I cant believe Ill be gone in 3 days. I have been thoroughly defeated by life.

 

[Smudgedlines]

Hi Smudged.... Im devastated. Sad. Broken hearted. I feel stupid, a sucker, a fool. So much rage & anger. I cant believe Ill be gone in 3 days. I have been thoroughly defeated by life.

I wish I knew what to say. My ex nearly killed me so I do know, a bit. I spent about six months preying and begging for him to come back with various periods of ghosting then sex then ghosting again. In the end I took control but it took everything I had.
Are you still certain of your decision?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I wish I knew what to say. My ex nearly killed me so I do know, a bit. I spent about six months preying and begging for him to come back with various periods of ghosting then sex then ghosting again. In the end I took control but it took everything I had.
Are you still certain of your decision?

Yes. I have to. It MUST be done. I can't keep flip-flopping & also I can only hope that when he gets my final suicide note, and I am gone- that if he has ANY soul inside of him...a grain of emotion or heart that he will have a lesson learned that he will have to move forward in life with, that humans are not to be played with- disposable. However, if he is a true narcissist or sociopath then for him it would be a ego-boosting success, or will blame me as weak, pathetic and deserving of my fate- Regardless... for me- I am choosing to opt out of the game of life because I was set up for failure from the day I was born, and from my point of view this is the only way I can take control and send a message to all who knew me that this world can crush, demolish and obliterate even the strongest of souls. So for a fragile spirit like mine, it's better to pursue the peace of the ONLY thing guaranteed in life. Which is death... To be doomed to pursue "love" only seems to ensure tragedy. I am a tragedy in the flesh. I can't do the power games..

It's like a little poor girl who always wanted a pony. And one day by chance & pure luck. They found one and gave it to her on her birthday. Overjoyed at her good fortune, she brushed his hair, fed him apples. The next day the pony got out in the middle of the night and was run over by a truck.

This life is bullshit.

I understand how cruel people are as well. No one ever stays in my life for long. So I get your decision. I'm curious where you found pure helium though?

PM me for helium info.

I'm with you, and I'm thinking about you, you are not alone❤ I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Thank you much...... I'm in overwhelming grief. My heart-rate is always up & my belly sinks into the floor everytime I wake up in the morning. I refuse to suffer over this! And this was the true straw that broke this camels back. There have been hundreds of straws. But someone or something was bound to achieve the "Final Straw" award.

Hello this is my first post on this site but your post has honestly moved me to tears. I just want to say you deserve all the love and affection you need and then more. I'd hug you so tight and close if I could, rest your head on my chest and stroke your back because you deserve that. A hug is such a tiny little gift to easily give someone but some beautiful people like yourself just don't get them enough because so many people are cold and selfish. I know you were a dear and sweet child to and deserved every bit of love and affection and hugs. I have BPD as well so I can relate to alot of the feelings you have. I'm rambling sorry I just wanted to say that you seem to be such a beautiful delicate soul and I hope all the words of comfort you can receive in this time really genuinely helps and soothes you. I hope whatever happens these next few days you find peace and calm.

Wow... thank you so much. Your reply moved me to tears too. You know BPD is in part due to being born as a sensitive soul and unfortunate enough to land in a invalidating, cruel, unloving environment. I was a sweet child. I remember picking flowers for my mom and having her slap it out of my hand and beat me. I think people might think I'm embellishing all the cruelty, bullying from my peers and ADULTS alike. I was just born in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong country, in the wrong body with the wrong biology. If there was a "plan" for my life, like religious people suggest- It was to be the punching bag & hacky sack of life and I'm sick it. I'm sick of me as well.

 

[Ulisses]

we are with you until the end. hugs and serenity

 

[deadpixels]

You seem like a really good person who didn't deserve even half of what you have been through. Sometimes I think that in the end, the good people are the ones who lose and the bad people are the ones who win but what do the good people get from "fighting"? This world is an abominable place where the predators are the most rewarded.

I wish I had a magic wand and could rewrite your life, but I can't even help mine, sorry that you had to live through all this, I wish you peace.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

we are with you until the end. hugs and serenity

Thank you Ulisses.... every response and every kind word means so much to me. It feels so good to not be alone...and to know I am not being JUDGED. thank u....

You seem like a really good person who didn't deserve even half of what you have been through. Sometimes I think that in the end, the good people are the ones who lose and the bad people are the ones who win but what do the good people get from "fighting"? This world is an abominable place where the predators are the most rewarded.

I wish I had a magic wand and could rewrite your life, but I can't even help mine, sorry that you had to live through all this, I wish you peace.

I could not agree with you more. I think the phenomenon of "...in the end, the good people are the ones who lose and the bad people are the ones who win.." is due to how much one cares about others. If you are okay with stepping on others to get what you want then of course you have a MAJOR ADVANTAGE given the setup of evolution of the specis. Suvival of the fittest. And it seems that at this stage of life on earth, "fittest" = "strongest/ least empathic"- The strong trample and despise the weak.

 

[Kvotheloner]

I have ignored people/girlfriend in my past that really cared about me. Its my biggest fault. Im such a loner and its so hard for me to show empathy, but I feel it heavily. I think a good amount of it was immaturity in my 20s but im still basically the same.
Hope everything works out for you though.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I have ignored people/girlfriend in my past that really cared about me. Its my biggest fault. Im such a loner and its so hard for me to show empathy, but I feel it heavily. I think a good amount of it was immaturity in my 20s but im still basically the same.
Hope everything works out for you though.

Thank you so much for sharing this. My guy was 38, so I could not chalk it up to his age. But I love hearing the male perspectives in this community, it is very valuable to me. None of us is perfect and hurting people hurt people. Your post is so precious to me. I wish I would give you a hug and kiss on the cheek. I don't want to die thinking men are monsters. I know yall have deep feelings and struggle a lot under the pressure to be macho----- its hard for all of us and sometimes we really are doing the best we can, however, if we have an opportunity to not making someone suffer needlessly and we chose not to do so when it is in our power we cross over into evil and well, that never works out good for anyoen in the end-- well...execept, those who have walked on others to get to the top------ I hope everything works out for you too honey. :)

 

[Passersby]

Hi Crushed Innocence, Sorry to hear that you are still suffering and nothing has worked. I know what you mean. I am frustrated as hell to because I have tried everything for my situation as well. Only you know if it's time but if so then at least it will be done. This is also one of the same methods I have been debating on for quite some time except I am using nitrogen if I do this one with exit bag. I have acquired all of the stuff for it as well. I always feel like there will be people who will judge us as well and look down on us after We are gone for going out like this but guess what we won't care cause wewill be dead then right? So that's how I get some comfort in looking at it. Also you could look at it like this to. Imagine if those people could live in our Situations and body's and see how they would like it. There are also some that will understand. i think that there is going to be more and more people who will go out in their own terms as opposed to being degraded into whatever situation comes with old age and disability and whatever. no Nursing homes or anything like that. I'll try to be in here Thursday. Hope the meantime for you isnt too extreme.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hi Crushed Innocence, Sorry to hear that you are still suffering and nothing has worked. I know what you mean. I am frustrated as hell to because I have tried everything for my situation as well. Only you know if it's time but if so then at least it will be done. This is also one of the same methods I have been debating on for quite some time except I am using nitrogen if I do this one with exit bag. I have acquired all of the stuff for it as well. I always feel like there will be people who will judge us as well and look down on us after We are gone for going out like this but guess what we won't care cause wewill be dead then right? So that's how I get some comfort in looking at it. Also you could look at it like this to. Imagine if those people could live in our Situations and body's and see how they would like it. There are also some that will understand. i think that there is going to be more and more people who will go out in their own terms as opposed to being degraded into whatever situation comes with old age and disability and whatever. no Nursing homes or anything like that. I'll try to be in here Thursday. Hope the meantime for you isnt too extreme.

Hi! I agree. Especially with the lockdown. All the deaths and greif and job losses. 90,000 people died of covid- in the last 2 months--- I just feel like i'll be just another death of all the people dying everyday........ Its really no big deal in the grand scheme of things.....

 

[GHOST99]

Hey girl, I'm sorry to hear about your experience with that fxxk! I can tell it's gut wrenching, I've had the feeling before too. I've sworn off of dating cause of that reason, I never wanna feel like that ever again...

It really is evil, the way people can fake a connection like that. If he was going to leave anyways, why did he have to bother and lead on? Ugh...

 

[noaccount]

Hi Crushed. You seem really cool and I'm sorry this is happening. One thing that made suicide seem like the only option for me for a long time was the violence of psychiatry against me - their labels are designed to dehumanize people, victim-blame them, take their problems out of context, and take away their personal power. Just saying - in inquiries about love and existential conditions, it might be important to question whether you want to identify your suffering as a personality disorder, if so what that even means, whether the values and loyalties of treatment-providers align with yours, what other ways you and other survivors can find to think about what you've survived and what hurts you and what helps you. No guarantee it'll be enough. But it's unlikely that our needs can fit into their boxes. Everyone deserves freedom from suffering.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hey girl, I'm sorry to hear about your experience with that fxxk! I can tell it's gut wrenching, I've had the feeling before too. I've sworn off of dating cause of that reason, I never wanna feel like that ever again...

It really is evil, the way people can fake a connection like that. If he was going to leave anyways, why did he have to bother and lead on? Ugh...

I have no idea...... I literally am standing in the middle of a void screaming WHHHHYYYYYY????????????

Hi Crushed. You seem really cool and I'm sorry this is happening. One thing that made suicide seem like the only option for me for a long time was the violence of psychiatry against me - their labels are designed to dehumanize people, victim-blame them, take their problems out of context, and take away their personal power. Just saying - in inquiries about love and existential conditions, it might be important to question whether you want to identify your suffering as a personality disorder, if so what that even means, whether the values and loyalties of treatment-providers align with yours, what other ways you and other survivors can find to think about what you've survived and what hurts you and what helps you. No guarantee it'll be enough. But it's unlikely that our needs can fit into their boxes. Everyone deserves freedom from suffering.

Thank you.... it does suck...but I am done here with this place. I have no interest in staying. BPD is a horrific condition. I am ready to go for many reasons. No more suffering, having control over my destiny, revenge,.........

 

[warinmymind]

Hope you're spending your time doing the things you enjoy sweetie, eating good food, enjoying music and the sunshine. Been thinking about you today because despite your sad situation I feel like you're such a light of a person, so friendly and kind to others even after everything.

 

[Aavemainen]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, you seem like a genuinely kind soul and did not deserve to be treated like that. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[Alain]

Humans are bad, that's a fact. And men are the worst half of humanity. Don't get me wrong, I've been manipulated and betrayed by women, more than I would like. But horrors of this world almost always come from men. Rapes, wars, religions... It's like a rule that would have only one exception ; M. Thatcher ^^

Being pretty, sweet, sensitive, will help to get a partner, that's a fact. But it won't help avoiding betrayal or, selfishness in men. So yes, time can fuck things up, unless you can find someone special. It can happen, and why not, after all? It actually happened to a friend of mine. She was sweet and beautiful, she was honest and kind, but always ended with assholes. Until she met a decent guy who never hurt her.

Anyway, I hope love (or missing love) is not what makes you wanna leave the world. Love could happen anytime, sooner or later, while you're in therapy or when you will be better. I wish you that, sincerely. The sooner the better.

Just don't lose hope on love. Love is hard to find and hard to keep for everyone. But it happens, often, to a lot of people. It's nothing about fairness or justice, bad people and good people can find love. I don't see why you couldn't.

 

[Bct]

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and suffering you bear. I admit lack of love is a factor that drives me to be suicidal, and I'm just too skeptical to be able to find a girl who loves me back. Just no, especially after countless failed attempts. Maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone.

Anyway, wish you luck for your journey, hopefully it's peaceful enough. Even if you want to turn back somehow, we're still here for you.

 

[Smudgedlines]

Checking in Crushed.... thinking of you.

 

[It'sMyLife]

I hope you're still with us. Here's my version of support. I will challenge you but I support your decision whatever it is . I may still be labeled a prolifer. I haven't yet responded to anyone here at SS. I think this is my first time. I'm usually very reserved at engaging myself . I don't get on every day but I do find different ways of looking at my own issues by reading the thoughts posted by all of the great individuals here who have the courage to share . I know this forum exists to be accepting of this topic without judging but I don't think this means we shouldn't challenge a person just a little. Should we just stand by and only encourage someone to ctb without at least some kind of suggestion or observations ? But to be clear, I totally accept anyone's right to choose whether they want to go on living or not hence my screen name .Your current situation reminds me of the song by U2 - "Don't let the bastards wear you down". Life is certainly going to throw you some whoppers from time to time. Whoever this guy was I see him as an inevitability. I've known guys like him myself and there are so many like him. It's in their DNA to be the way they are . I'm not saying he's good or bad though because I don't know him . They want to put as many marks on the bedposts as they can to coin an old tacky phrase. Certain aspects of society and different cultures foster this kind of behavior btw. And this may have not been his intention but we'll never know this of course. Some people refer to them as alpha males. They usually leave a long trail of destruction in their wakes. Hormones probably have a lot to do with it and some of it is nature , some of it nurture. Biology versus society and culture is a goddamn mess in my purview. Personally I think you have a lot of intelligence and many things to accomplish in your life. Right now you're kind of locked into this tunnel vision state of mind and that's what's so dangerous for you right now . A good friend of mine who is an attorney refers to this as "being in the fish bowl" . It's all a relativity thing. If this was someone else you were close to what would you be telling them? All I'm trying to do is to get you to break out of this pattern you're in if even for a moment for another perspective. (I'll probably get flamed all to hell for this too LOL) . At this point in your life this thing happened and as I see it you're hyperfocused on it in terms of where you are at this stage in your life. But this is only right now . It's a snapshot at one point in your life. You say you're done and this it . Ok , I get that and accept that . Frankly I wouldn't give this prick the satisfaction of you checking out over him . This is only how I see I know but if you give yourself some time all of this may become less relevant. I don't know how long ago this happened but checking out over a short term relationship , mmm, maybe , maybe not . I know you already feel like you've had enough and believe me I understand that but you could live the rest of your life by yourself and be ok like I have (I'm 55 male) . Try to give yourself some more value than this one rough patch. One event in your life DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. I felt this way about two years ago and wanted to check out every day. I found this site by looking up info on how I wanted to do it and I chose almost the same method as you - helium - only using the diving mask that the guy in Australia had set up because it cycles out the CO2 . From my research , it's oxygen that is attached to any molecule that makes your body put up a fight . Anyway , at the time , my mother was here at home dying and we had decided she was staying here which I'm so glad I did . I knew I had to wait at least for her to pass. Strangely , since she has passed just over a year ago I don't have these feelings near as much. In my imagination I always hope somehow she has something to do with this but obviously I have no proof. It could very well be wishful thinking I know. Well , I hope I didn't go on too long or piss you off either . I just don't think this douchebag is worth you ending it all . It's only my opinion I know , I'm only one guy you never met, but I say slow down for a moment . You sound like you could do so much more with you life even if it's another few weeks or months or longer. Some people come back better than ever after a trauma too . There is no shame in saying you changed your mind either. You can keep your equipment and if anyone finds it , well it's helium , you know , for balloons ! I would say in closing , look up the Desiderata. It may sound cliche and it may not .It's very old and the author is unknown . I won't bother posting it but whoever wrote it probably did so from a life of experiences of happiness and disappointment . My favorite part of it is this -

' Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.'

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry sweetie.. Love is supposed to be beautiful... I really think there's still someone out there for you...

Whatever you decide, go with peace in your heart x

 

[Sadkitty]

My ex of 6 years dumped me over the phone 2 days after my cat died unexpectedly in front of me. All he said is "I just don't feel the same " that's it. After 6 years and in a dark place for me. I never got an answer. I never do. I get ghosted by people who have been in my life for years. Nothing ever makes sense to me. I'm sorry that people act like this. That we can be so affected by horrible people and they don't bat an eye. We are so disposable to them. So easily replaced. It makes you feel like you will never truly matter to anyone. So I get this.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Hi Smudged.... Im devastated. Sad. Broken hearted. I feel stupid, a sucker, a fool. So much rage & anger. I cant believe Ill be gone in 3 days. I have been thoroughly defeated by life.

I just read this thread, and I'm going through pretty much the same thing as you.
I was recently ghosted by the girl I fell in love with. Just discarded like a piece of trash.
We used to stay up all night talking on the phone, texting all day.
She made me hopeful for my future for the first time in forever. I was ready to do whatever I had to do to provide for her, to take care of her, to make sure she never wanted for anything as long as I was alive, and to be sure she was provided for after I died.
Well, one day I accidentally hurt her feelings. I apologised for it profusely, but that wasn't enough. She decided to hurt me back. Tenfold.
I'm absolutely crushed now. I gave her my heart and she destroyed it. I'm back to having no reason to do anything. I don't have the energy to do this shit anymore. Nice guys finish last, too.
I'm sorry you've found yourself at this place in your life. You seem very sweet and kind. I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you choose to do. I feel like the world will be a poorer place without you in it.
(P.S. - What Morrissey songs were you singing?)