Venting Planning my death and my recovery at the same time

[LonelyPrince]

The thought of dying always lingers with me despite me "getting better". I do one step forward and two steps back.
Honestly, there is a high chance that my parents will stop paying for the school I wanna attend to after I start hormone therapy.
They will probably disown me and cut me out of their life, leaving me with no financial support for my studies, leaving me to basically be fucked.
That's why I'm already planning my death in case that happens. Was thinking of partial hanging because sn seems way too scary and I hate throwing up.
I don't truly want to die but I feel like I'll just have no option at a certain point. I don't have a support system and I barely have friends.
Days ago I visited my online friend that's lives on the other side of the country. It was amazing, however as soon as I came back home I was reminded of my grim reality.

 

[unluckysadness]

Having a backup plan is good and can help you to cope, but please consider suicide twice. You say you don't truly want to die and you mention your trip as being "amazing". So you seem to be able to enjoy things. I'll never judge anyone and I'm pro-choice, but if you're healthy for travelling, have friends, you could probably try to get better ? You're so young and your life doesn't seem to be that shitty. But I don't know your situation and I apologize if I'm wrong. I just compare with myself (disabled, no friends and cannot travel). Every situation is unique. I wish you the best