Venting personal vent thread

[threevoices]

figured since i come here to vent kinda often and since i frequently reference previous threads, id just keep everything in one thread for convenience sake

heres every thread i made in chronological order [yyyy/mm/dd]:
2025/01/28: [Vent] I don't have anyone else to talk to about this
2025/04/18: i think im fundamentally unloveable
2025/04/19: why do i want to talk to her again?
2025/05/31: thinking about disappearing

dont have anything to post about current (currently intoxicated and my brain feels fuzzy) but ill come back here when i have something

 

[threevoices]

im a terrible friend. i should stop bothering people with my existence

 

[threevoices]

i hate having expressive language disorder. nothing i ever say is good enough. people always find problems with the things i say. people always interpret what i say in bad faith. whether i phrase something wrong, cant verbalize all of my thoughts on a topic, or even just make small grammar issues. theres always something wrong with my attempts at communicating. no matter how hard i try- and trust me, i put all of my energy into it sometimes- i will never be able to communicate "properly". why even bother at all honestly. im better off not trying. its fruitless. thats what i believe, day after day

i wish more people understood what this was like. i wish more people understood that i cant answer open ended questions some days. i wish people understood that my mother tongue is a foreign language to me. i wish people understood how hard i try. i wish people understood how painful it is. i wish people would at least try to accommodate me. i wish people wouldnt assume my intentions malicious when i so much as stumble over choice of diction.

 

[FishRain3469]

I've never heard of that until now, but I can certainly relate because I have trouble expressing myself a lot as well. It can be an absolute nightmare, I get it.

Hope you're situation can improve, if even just a Little. Try to be kind to yourself, You're worth it. ♥

 

[thendtocome]

*vent,*

 

[threevoices]

everything has gotten to the point that the only thing that helps is substance abuse, and even then it doesnt even really "help". it just makes me numb to my emotions. i dont feel "good" or "happy" by any means. i fear im gonna relapse into my alcohol addiction that i had briefly in my late teens, but honestly at this point i couldnt care less

in other words, ive been seriously looking into suicide methods lately again for the first time since last summer. i rewrote my note earlier. im still super set on SN, as always, but its genuinely unobtainable since if i shipped it to my current place of residence it would be discovered, and i dont think my friend would be very happy with me asking him to receive a lethal chemical on my behalf, and id hate to worry anyone before i ctb. i dont really want anyone knowing until its too late.

my next best option is hanging, probably full as opposed to partial. though i havent looked into it very much so im not sure of any specifics yet. my main thing is 1. i really dont want it to fail and then i end up with brain damage or in a vegetative state or something. especially not a vegetative state, because if i only sustained brain damage i could always just try again. but if i ended up in a vegetative state i would be at the mercy of my parents, and god knows they wouldnt let me die or take me off life support, so its really risky in that sense. and 2. the way hanged bodies look during and after death really freaks me out... i really dont want MY body looking like that.

though im not sure why i care so much how i look if im not gonna be here to witness it. its not a "i dont want people to discover my body and be scarred forever" because SN also has kinda fucked up effects on the body, and i dont really care if someone sees me after a successful SN attempt.

so then hanging is off the table too. which is fine. im currently living with my parents, which makes ctb so much more stressful in case im found mid attempt and they try to "save" me, or in case i fall from the noose or start throwing up from SN and they hear and try to check on me. i probably wasnt going to attempt until i move out from them, which is (hopefully) only a year from now. ill need to work hard to graduate on time so this can happen though.

this isnt really a "vent" per se but i just wanted to chronicle my thoughts, in case anyone on this forum cared, and i thought this thread would be a good place for that. and maybe others would have their own input on my strategy? peer review sort of thing. in any case i hope that this is interesting to anyone reading this, even out of a sort of morbid curiosity

 

[threevoices]

i just want someone to care. i just want someone to notice the warning signs and check on me. is that so much to ask?

unfortunately, im not important enough for anyone to even notice me otherwise. the one friend i thought i had has made it very clear on his social media that he hates people like me and will never trust those people. i feel hurt. i feel untrustworthy, i feel unlovable, i feel unworthy of being given the time of day. i feel like ive been lied to for years. i feel like ive wasted trying to build a friendship with him when now its incredibly clear that he never trusted me and never will. when its clear that he probably never even saw me as a friend in the first place. i have felt that he thought this for months now, but this was the first time he admitted it outright, even if it wasnt directly to or about me.

so now i really have no one. i really should have learned better than to try to be peoples friends. i should have learned better than to think i could ever even be close to what someone wants.

on the plus side, i dont really have any significant personal obligations anymore. i can finally fully disconnect from everyone around me without worrying about inadvertantly hurting someone who hasnt realized ive tricked them. its finally viable to give up now. its no longer an empty promise to myself.

 

[threevoices]

i dont know why i seek friendship. in the end i will never belong anywhere or with anyone. in the end it only makes me more miserable than happy. in the end, despite how afraid of it i am, i think i would be better off alone

 

[threevoices]

i dont know why i seek friendship. in the end i will never belong anywhere or with anyone. in the end it only makes me more miserable than happy. in the end, despite how afraid of it i am, i think i would be better off alone

i say this and yet, it seems i cant stop myself... i wish i could disappear forever
i can never just shut my fucking mouth can i. i always have to pour my heart out to whomever even looks my way. i always have to bother others with shit that doesnt matter.

 

[Nightfoot]

I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

 

[Mytimeisending]

I'm so useless I fail at everything i do, my family hate me, I'm struggling

 

[threevoices]

gonna disappear off the face of the earth starting right now (from my friends perspectives)

the only thing that sucks is theyll get notified if i start doing anything on steam. though maybe i can turn that off by going offline

 

[threevoices]

i forgot and ended up talking to some people. i cant even disappear correctly.

my friend has started ignoring me again as well. and lately ive been the only one initiating any social interaction with him. ive been really trying to assume the best and that hes just struggling with his own issues but it doesnt exactly make me feel like he wants me around. the only time he initiates conversation anymore is to complain about his own life, and even then he still never talks to me. the last time he initiated anything with me was probbaly around a month ago

i watch him be active in other social medias we share, only to go offline as soon as i show any activity. but when i simply lurk he doesnt. its getting harder and harder to assume the best. it hurts. why am i not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect? why? what am i doing wrong? i wish someone would just tell me already. im tired of ruining every good thing that happens to me. im sorry

 

[threevoices]

sketched out something really cool but i cant post it anywhere due to circumstances. maybe if i pretty it up in my art software i can post it. its a really good idea. im just scared people will ask me if im ok. thats the last thing iwant is for people to worry

 

[threevoices]

i ruin everything i touch

 

[threevoices]

im not sure how much longer ill be able to afford the luxury of friendship. romantic and sexual relations are already far out of the question, in the end i sabotage things whether i mean to or not. i am not suited for these relationships and ive bittersweetly come so accept it

i thought friendship was different but.. the other week (aka, when i wrote the previous comment) i proved myself wrong. my worst nightmare came true. everything is... still fine, objectively. except, i dont know if i can let it be. im scared, terrified, even, of myself now. im so scared its just going to happen again, and again, and again. but these things wouldnt have ever happened if i knew to just keep my distance in the first place. thats the only way i can protect others from myself, it seems.

friendship is not a "need" for me. it is just a want. a selfish desire. but i do not need it to function. i will protect everyone from myself as an act of love, whether thats how they see it or not. but i cant keep doing this

 

[Pluto]

 

[threevoices]

im really scared im unsafe or dangerous to be around because of my bpd. i feel tainted just from having it, even on days i can control my symptoms or even days i dont even notice them at all. im still scared that im a danger to my loved ones. im scared of being around people because im scared im going to cause irreparable harm. i love my friends so much but... it would be better for them if they kept their distance

 

[threevoices]

i always have to remind myself that no one cares about me or my successes or my hardships. why do i always pretend the opposite is true?
people only care when im "new" or "fun" or "exciting". i then quickly become old news and suddenly, no one cares anymore. like a fad being dropped after just a month. i become irrelevant
it would just be better for everyone if i was forgotten and stuck to the sidelines. at least that way i wouldnt be a nuisance anymore

 

[DoublingDown]

I saw the Raichu pfp and had to compliment you on it. Seriously my fave pokemon ever!

I also have BPD, so I can relate to some of what you said about worrying you're a danger to others and your relationship with them. I have burned more bridges than I care to admit and wish I could simultaneously make it all go away and just have myself disappear. I hope your suffering eases in some way soon.