Venting thinking about disappearing

[threevoices]

a lot of the rationale is in this thread i made a month or so ago so check that out

since school is out for me now i am realizing that im not gonna be seeing really anyone i know so itd be prime time for me to "disappear" (which would just be me not being active on any of my socials). i would ctb but im not at that point yet, plus when i do get there i want to be 100% sure of success, since the only methods i have access to would potentially cause a lot of damage if i survived. my ideal is SN but of course thats impossible for me so my next best choice is probably full or partial suspension hanging

i genuinely dont think anyone would really care. i have a few friends in a discord server that might, and one irl friend, but really thats it. its just so exhausting for me to upkeep my relationships and if i dont even matter in the end to them then whats even the point. im just a back up to them after all

im worried its an asshole thing to do but im just really having a tough time right now and i think just talking to people when i know its pointless and that they dont care about anything im saying would be even worse for me right now. and as a bonus itd test the waters for how people would react if i ctb, which is a big reason im hesitant to. i am really curious on the effects itd have on peoples lives and how theyd handle it

 

[teeteringontheedge]

im sorry you do feel that way but youre not alone in feeling like this. I myself happened to one day just find out people keep me around as the circus pet for my weirdness or feel obligated to keep me around due to previous "good times" or they only hit me up as soon as they want something from me... only to disappear into the nothingness once the favor is done.

im not terribly proud of it myself but i can help you with my own experiences in terms of of "testing the reactions to ctb of people i regard close".
i used to do that not once, not twice but maybe 5 times all in different places always checking out the reactions with alt accounts. As said not to proud of that one myself.

Spoiler Alert: its nothing worthwhile and actually kinda depressing in and of itself.
But if youre interested in hearing it despite my warning do let me know!

 

[threevoices]

im not terribly proud of it myself but i can help you with my own experiences in terms of of "testing the reactions to ctb of people i regard close".
i used to do that not once, not twice but maybe 5 times all in different places always checking out the reactions with alt accounts. As said not to proud of that one myself.

ive definitely also done this as a bpd-riddled and overall emotionally immature teenager before, many... many... times... though everyone i was friends with during this point of my life i eventually ended up driving away from me, so itd be difficult to apply their reactions to my current social group, especially given my unreliable memory

even in my worse moments nowadays i never end up considering it seriously because one of my closest friends is... i dont want to say unstable, but he blames himself for a lot of things and its really detrimental to him. id just feel like an even worse friend than i wouldve with anyone else just cause i know how it would affect him, especially with all the unrelated hardships he has

my "disappearing" usually just consists of me self isolating for however long, usually no longer than a couple days

thats my main thing with ctb... even when i want to, i hesitate to even form a serious plan cause im not sure how badly anyone would be affected. i wish there was a way to know without resorting to things like this, or even just straight up asking "what would you do if i ctb" cause that also feels shitty... but maybe thats just me