Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm really sorry to hear about the bagged milk. It seems like a weird subject to be judging over. Are you sure this guy is not toxic?

Ikr woe is me, my life is gonna end with a guy that can't accept bagged milk is good and convenient compared to how much space bottles and cartons take, can you believe it, he even laughs about it to his friends, I'm being bullied /j (he's a great guy don't worry)

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Time to sleep, just to wake up tmr to be with him again, I enjoy being his, it's Right, it feels purposeful and correct, gentle, lasting, it's comfortable, who knows, I'm so sleepy I can't even process words, something something anxiety something something he's so lovely n I'm so proud of him, siigh

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I have a really hard time understanding what I did wrong to him, my ex, I've been pondering on it for days trying to figure out what I did exactly, what caused him to leave and take everything away w him, I have no idea, I tried to think back on all the times I was bad to him, or all the times I hurt him.. My jealousy and my emotional breakdowns, Im so stressful to be with I know
But, I don't know.. I don't understand, he said he'd been wishing to leave me for months now, and I'd visited him so many times in that time, he'd hug me and promise me forever and love me and do everything someone does when they care, but he just didn't? It's frustrating, I don't want him to have ruined my mind, I want to know what I did at least, sometimes people stop loving you but why? Isn't there a reason? He said there was and I couldn't know, but why? Why can't I know, what have I done? I can't live with myself knowing I probably ruined everything even in another life, if I'm already so fucking broken in this one.. Is there no hope for me even when I die and return to the other world? Will I die and just.. Be hurting more? Is everything truly my fault, am I to blame for the way everything is? Am I the root cause of everything, what have I done to be to blame? I donw't ant to be to blame, I love the world I love people I love music and art and nature and history I love learning of the history of every person in this god forsaken place why must it be because of Me? I don't understand, all I ever did was wish to enjoy this place, all I've ever done was give myself away to love everything and everyone unconditionally ever since I was little, why must it be this way? I don't understand, I really don't, I wish I had answers and I wish I deserved to be told the truth, I'm so tired, if everyone hates me and I'm the root of everything why don't I just end myself now, get it all over with? Why would I deserve to be loved and enjoy a last vacation before I go, why don't I just end it now, I'll die anyway, and yet I want that, I want to be loved and have my last vacation and get that pain au Chocolat before I die, but I don't know if I deserve it, I don't know if Im made for living or feeling joy, my body is just made to suffer and be forgotten, maybe that's my real reason to exist, I don't know, I'm tired of my feelings being all over the place n so heavy n so hard to process unless I write em all down

 

[lastappleonearth]

I have a really hard time understanding what I did wrong to him, my ex, I've been pondering on it for days trying to figure out what I did exactly, what caused him to leave and take everything away w him, I have no idea, I tried to think back on all the times I was bad to him, or all the times I hurt him.. My jealousy and my emotional breakdowns, Im so stressful to be with I know
But, I don't know.. I don't understand, he said he'd been wishing to leave me for months now, and I'd visited him so many times in that time, he'd hug me and promise me forever and love me and do everything someone does when they care, but he just didn't? It's frustrating, I don't want him to have ruined my mind, I want to know what I did at least, sometimes people stop loving you but why? Isn't there a reason? He said there was and I couldn't know, but why? Why can't I know, what have I done? I can't live with myself knowing I probably ruined everything even in another life, if I'm already so fucking broken in this one.. Is there no hope for me even when I die and return to the other world? Will I die and just.. Be hurting more? Is everything truly my fault, am I to blame for the way everything is? Am I the root cause of everything, what have I done to be to blame? I donw't ant to be to blame, I love the world I love people I love music and art and nature and history I love learning of the history of every person in this god forsaken place why must it be because of Me? I don't understand, all I ever did was wish to enjoy this place, all I've ever done was give myself away to love everything and everyone unconditionally ever since I was little, why must it be this way? I don't understand, I really don't, I wish I had answers and I wish I deserved to be told the truth, I'm so tired, if everyone hates me and I'm the root of everything why don't I just end myself now, get it all over with? Why would I deserve to be loved and enjoy a last vacation before I go, why don't I just end it now, I'll die anyway, and yet I want that, I want to be loved and have my last vacation and get that pain au Chocolat before I die, but I don't know if I deserve it, I don't know if Im made for living or feeling joy, my body is just made to suffer and be forgotten, maybe that's my real reason to exist, I don't know, I'm tired of my feelings being all over the place n so heavy n so hard to process unless I write em all down

Writing down my feelings also always helps me a bit, although only temporarily. I def think you deserve your vacation and I hope it won't be the last and that there'll be many more to come. Wanting to be loved and to love is natural and it's extremely painful when you've been let down by the very person you loved and thought that they loved you or cared more, but that doesn't mean that you can't be loved or anything like that. I also think it's inconsiderate not to at least explain the reasons, when sb decides to leave, so I'm sorry that happened to you. Without knowing the reasons, it's difficult to get closure

 

[fluorescentpearl]

collarbones

 

[hdead]

Honestly I think anyone here deserves a pain au chocolat before catching a bus.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Honestly I think anyone here deserves a pain au chocolat before catching a bus.

They're so good right, I never had a proper one from France but I would enjoy it before I end it all, may everyone here be blessed with pain au chocolat

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I couldn't sleep until three am bc my family was happily blasting low quality Russian TV shows all night, I woke up exhausted and dead inside and went to make tea and have breakfast, I'm so tired, I might nap later today if I find the ability to since anxiety js makes me unable to nap at this point, not that day sleep is good for you anyway..
I dreamt that I was a gnome, very offensive
Yesterday I laughed harder than I had in ages,hooray
One day closer to the pain au Chocolat

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I don't listen to this type of music often but I really enjoy this song (daddy issues by the neighborhood)

Go ahead and cry, little boy
You know that your daddy did too
You know what your mama went through
You gotta let it out soon, just let it out
Go ahead and cry, little girl
Nobody does it like you do
I know how much it matters to you
I know that you got daddy issues
And if you were my little girl
I'd do whatever I could do
I'd run away and hide with you
I know that you got daddy issues, and I do too

The lyrics are so comfy to me, I really like it.. It's sung very calmly too, it's comforting and cozy

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Girl dinner : halvaa with chamomile tea and a single cookie
How am I a 21 year old that raised two children, idek
I wanna spoon up my honey and keep him in my pocket but he'll probably say I'm a midget and he wouldn't fit SMH I'll do it anyway
It just occurred to me that halvaa isn't common outside of postsov countries, it's like crushed nuts or seeds into a crumbly soft bar, like a dry peanut butter.. But made of other stuff, this one is sunflower seeds (I lov. Sunflower seeds)
I'm also craving evil fastfood fries, I kinda wanna get them when I go to the city js to treat myself to the worst food on the planet hah

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I found a page of my journal from a few months ago

I hate him, why does he treat me like this? What have I done beyond loving and caring? I sacrifice my life for him and he doesn't care, my hobbies and interests don't matter, everything is only about his comfort.
I cannot even ask to watch a movie I enjoy because he is never in the mood to do anything I like, he never cares about what I want to do, if I'm sad while he's sad it's the end of the world, as if it isn't obvious that I'd be upset seeing him hurt.
I hate him, I hate that I'm not a person any longer, I hate what I've become, my spark and my likes are all gone and replaced with his, nothing I am is me any longer, I've become a mirrored copy of his face.
Where have I gone? Where is my mind, where has my soul gone?
I love psychology, I've done endless research on history, I adore the Victorian era.. The rococo ages of France, I studied etiquette I used to collect vintage clothes, brooches, jewelry, I loved tea ceremonies, I loved the opera and theater, I loved nature, I loved all of it, I'm watching the person I am be hidden behind a mirror, Nowadays all I do is watch stupid sexual anime and play video games nonstop that's not me, what have I turned into?
My little siblings always said I was their vampire sister, I'd only come out at night, my bedroom was covered in antique decor, I wore dark gloomy shades, I loved the macabre the mysterious, I adore eldritch literature, my favorite book was Dorian Gray.. What's happened to me, I want to be myself again, I don't want to be this mockery of me that I've become
I am a smart woman, I dreamt to become a historian, I'm not a stupid rag.. Can't I be soft and pathetic and yet still intelligent and well spoken? I've always prided myself in my elegance and tact, and I lost it all, to match with him, I can't stand this.. Who am I any longer


This was interesting to read, since I didn't remember writing it, it's weirdly comforting to hear even a few months ago I was struggling with these same feelings about losing myself
My own mother is very weirded out recently at how much I've changed, she offered to go to a historical museum with me and I rejected even though it was always a wish to visit that museum..
I used to walk in the sun with parasols, I'd study Victorian era makeup recipes, I was going to learn to sew to replicate historical patterns, there was never a day I wouldn't take care of myself into going out, and now I'm.. A shell of that, I cannot stand it, will it ever be okay for me to be myself again? The gloomy romantic little lady that loves researching Gothic topics, I don't know, it's tiring
I wish I had a better grasp of myself and I knew how people view me

 

[lastappleonearth]

Girl dinner : halvaa with chamomile tea and a single cookie
How am I a 21 year old that raised two children, idek
I wanna spoon up my honey and keep him in my pocket but he'll probably say I'm a midget and he wouldn't fit SMH I'll do it anyway
It just occurred to me that halvaa isn't common outside of postsov countries, it's like crushed nuts or seeds into a crumbly soft bar, like a dry peanut butter.. But made of other stuff, this one is sunflower seeds (I lov. Sunflower seeds)
I'm also craving evil fastfood fries, I kinda wanna get them when I go to the city js to treat myself to the worst food on the planet hah

I was baffled when I found out that sunflower seeds are so popular in most postsov countries. I've never tried them, but they must be good, if they're so popular

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I wish I never did paid dating, and I wish I didn't have bpd, and I wish I wasn't obsessive, and I wish I was normal, and I wish I wasn't jealous, and I wish I was pretty, and I wish I was a better person, and I wish I was a better partner, and I wish I raised my siblings better, and I wish I was never born to begin with, and I wish I wasn't jealous, and I wish I wasn't jealous, and I wish I didn't have bpd, I wish I didn't have bpd, and I wish I didn't have bpd, and I wish I wasn't obsessive, and I wish I wasn't jealous, and I wish I was a character in a movie so my jealousy n obsession were an endearing point rather than an obstacle, and I wish I didn't have bpd, and I wish the music would stop, and I wish I didn't have thoughts in my head right now, and I wish they weren't all about how horrible I am, and I wish I wasn't jealous, and I wish I wasn't obsessive, and I wish I didn't have bpd, and I wish I had a lobotomy, and I wish I had no feelings anymore, and I wish I died on the sixth, but I don't, it's just a momentary feeling, but right now I do wish I did, I feel guilty for it, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry I have bpd, and I'm sorry I'm obsessive, and I'm sorry I'm exhausting to be with, and I'm sorry I have all these issues, and I'm sorry I sold myself for dates and fake boyfriends, and I'm sorry I get jealous, and I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite, and I'm sorry I'm this way, and I'm sorry that I'm sorry, and I'm sorry that you'll have to read this tmr n think I didn't talk to you about how I felt, and I'm sorry I will wake up so late after a night of spiraling, and I'm sorry I'm the one you're dating now, and I'm sorry I'm ill this way, and I'm sorry I can't change it, and I'm sorry I'm broken beyond repair, and I'm sorry I'm obsessive, and I'm sorry for apologizing, and I'm sorry for rambling while I talk to you and put you to bed, and I'm sorry I sound cold, and I'm sorry I rejected hugs, and I'm sorry I'm messed up, and I'm sorry I have bpd
.
I'm going to draw and sketch until my hands fall off and I fall asleep, I feel too alert, I'm able to hear things in my head, actual words, just so much apologies about what I'm like, why couldn't I be a better woman? One that is kind and sweet and never jealous and always understanding, why must I be like this, what's the point if it's never positive, I've never met someone who liked how obsessive n intense I get, it's probably for reason, reason being thatI'm just not compatible w life
anyway
Draw time now, I want to get out how I feel

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Slept about as fine as I can sleep, woke up tired as always, did some journaling, weirdly today in the morning I had a little spark of hope for the future though it did get put out quite fast, but it's still progress I suppose?
I've also been trying to plan out some things I have to do.. Like reactivate my digital ID, go to the city for errands, go to the doctor to get all my meds prescribed.. Ugh
At least it'll keep my mind off of this world n this life

My friend told me she wants to get me lingerie for my birthday, which is gonna be the most awkward experience of my life- I enjoy wearing pretty underwear but I never had someone to wear it For, which is her reasoning for picking that as my birthday gift.. Smh at this point it isn't a gift for me it's a gift for him

Since today is Sunday I can't get any of what I need done, I am hoping tmr or the day after I can go to the police to get my ID re-activated, maybe on the same day I'll get my meds, I can't tell what'd be a better way to go about it, if I should cram it all into one outing or go out multiple times..

I also had insane dreams last night, it was a re iteration of a dream I used to have when I was younger all the time.. A coastal island in the middle of a stormy sea, where I had to care for a family of stranger children, whilst being invisible.. My mother walking through me, only the kids saw I was there, and there was a balcony made of iron and steel and when I'd hide there, leaning over to look down, my shadow was a man's, he looked at me, he beckoned me to jump, he whispered that I should become just like him, that no one would miss me, that I just had to take the step.. The dream always ends with me stepping off and crashing into the rocks and waves below, or at least used to
Today it ended differently, today I closed my eyes and ignored the shadow, and looked at the horizon, dissociated as I watched the silvery waves, and I felt someone step up behind me, it felt warm and solid, it lasted for hours just watching and breathing quietly ignoring the murmurs of the shadowed man
I've always been unsure what this dream means, it's been chasing me since I was a kid, and I don't know if tonight's ending was positive, I don't know if it's positive to remain eternally unchanging watching the sea through teary eyes, I don't know if it's a better outcome than following the shadow's steps

 

[fluorescentpearl]

This is a bit tmi
It's so strange to be desired sexually, after all the times I was assaulted n all the times my ex literally almost threw up at the thought of me having been touched by someone else (albeit unwillingly), he didn't even want to see me naked often, no matter how desperate I'd get he'd js turn away, and this is so New and different, to be desired
Maybe it's normal and common, it isn't for me, it makes me feel almost normal, at the same time I'm glad I never experienced this before.. It makes me appreciate it all the better, makes it all the more special, if that makes sense
It's nice to feel something special and new, that I don't have to bend over to okay wrong choice of wording here, let's fix it to jumping through hoops to get any kind of attention at all, it's nice, it makes me feel like a normal woman that gets to be cared for and wanted normally
I'm feeling hopeful tonight, about a future and about myself and about him, i know when it passes I'll crash harder than I felt before
It feels like flying across a field only to get shot down by a hunter, the hunter being death, the field being life, something like that
But that's a problem for later me, current me feels happy, loved, wanted, and like I maybe have a place in the world and I deserve to enjoy myself with someone I care about

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I just remembered my ex was "aromantic" and said he could never feel romantic love for me, now I'm stuck wondering what any of that even meant then?? How can someone love you and take you on dates and do all of that
Who cares


Maybe if we survive this I'll take him to visit tallinn, maybe, just maybe

I wanna eat him alive
Kms
Hearing his morning voice was so cute I wanna wake up everyday and hear him speak as first thing in the morning
Ugh
I'm gonna die

 

[ToothFairy]

this gif has nothing to do with this thread i just find it funny and wanted to post it somewhere

 

[fluorescentpearl]

There's always a sort of insecurity in me that when we call I'll turn out uninteresting and boring and make him waste time on me, simply off the fact that I've always been more of a listener I suppose, than a ranter.. I could rant for hours if it's about a topic I have interest in, but when it's on call I'd feel guilty
Though when I hear his voice I feel a bit better, when I hear him breathing, or just.. Existing somewhere at the end of that line, I like his existence, as much of a hypocrite as it makes me
When he calls me nice things it makes my brain feel lighter, like I exist to love him and it doesn't really matter what happens in the end because I'll have at least fulfilled that purpose of mine, which is maybe a bit deranged and obsessive to say, I'm unsure
There's a fear to caring about someone, I don't know that I'm capable of loving without uncertainty, a long time ago I compared my love to a wound I care for, it stings, it bleeds, it will never close, or maybe loving is like the sea, vast unpredictable and oh so deep and terrifying, again, I find myself unsure
I think a lot of this uncertainty comes from knowing that eventually everyone always tires of me, so why should he not too? Eventually I always become too much, or too little, there's never a world in which I'm enough and that lasts; at the same time I want to trust him, which is difficult, after all the hurt and all the ways I've experienced heartbreak it's scary to give my heart to someone, fragile as it is he might wish to sink his teeth into it and rip it apart, simply from seeing how easily it could break, but I don't want to have that on my mind, I don't want to have to worry about possibly losing him to anything
And then again, the feelings of "why love if you could be alone and not fear solitude?" bubble up to the surface again, they're tempting, how could I be hurt if I don't even have it to begin with? And yet I truly, genuinely, at this point wholeheartedly believe if I didn't have him I would just Hurt, I would simply not exist, which I suppose is also intense and obsessive to say
I'm unsure
I'm very unsure about everything, will I ever make a choice and fully stick by it? Who knows
I dedicate waking up to him, to avoid the dread of the morning, my brain replays the sound of him breathing to get me going when I'm in full silence in this lonely dollhouse, I enjoy him, his existence, it makes me feel a bit less horrible in this world, maybe, just maybe, as much as I cannot believe it and I cannot have much hope for it, maybe we can make it out of this together, I'm not sure.. Again, I'm unsure

 

[hdead]

There's always a sort of insecurity in me that when we call I'll turn out uninteresting and boring and make him waste time on me, simply off the fact that I've always been more of a listener I suppose, than a ranter.. I could rant for hours if it's about a topic I have interest in, but when it's on call I'd feel guilty
Though when I hear his voice I feel a bit better, when I hear him breathing, or just.. Existing somewhere at the end of that line, I like his existence, as much of a hypocrite as it makes me
When he calls me nice things it makes my brain feel lighter, like I exist to love him and it doesn't really matter what happens in the end because I'll have at least fulfilled that purpose of mine, which is maybe a bit deranged and obsessive to say, I'm unsure
There's a fear to caring about someone, I don't know that I'm capable of loving without uncertainty, a long time ago I compared my love to a wound I care for, it stings, it bleeds, it will never close, or maybe loving is like the sea, vast unpredictable and oh so deep and terrifying, again, I find myself unsure
I think a lot of this uncertainty comes from knowing that eventually everyone always tires of me, so why should he not too? Eventually I always become too much, or too little, there's never a world in which I'm enough and that lasts; at the same time I want to trust him, which is difficult, after all the hurt and all the ways I've experienced heartbreak it's scary to give my heart to someone, fragile as it is he might wish to sink his teeth into it and rip it apart, simply from seeing how easily it could break, but I don't want to have that on my mind, I don't want to have to worry about possibly losing him to anything
And then again, the feelings of "why love if you could be alone and not fear solitude?" bubble up to the surface again, they're tempting, how could I be hurt if I don't even have it to begin with? And yet I truly, genuinely, at this point wholeheartedly believe if I didn't have him I would just Hurt, I would simply not exist, which I suppose is also intense and obsessive to say
I'm unsure
I'm very unsure about everything, will I ever make a choice and fully stick by it? Who knows
I dedicate waking up to him, to avoid the dread of the morning, my brain replays the sound of him breathing to get me going when I'm in full silence in this lonely dollhouse, I enjoy him, his existence, it makes me feel a bit less horrible in this world, maybe, just maybe, as much as I cannot believe it and I cannot have much hope for it, maybe we can make it out of this together, I'm not sure.. Again, I'm unsure

I relate to your feelings of uncertainty. It's hard to trust if you have a history of it having been broken. I don't want to dig in too deep, but I think you can rest assured he's not bored by you talking. Just as much as you just enjoy his existence, hearing his breath and hearing him speak - he probably enjoys exactly the same thing.

In the end, humans are basically made for companionship and community. Some of us get fucked up along the way and tricked into thinking that we're better off alone - but I don't think I'm alone in saying that loneliness is a major driver of suicidality. It's also a mechanism that attempts to protect us from emotional agony that comes with loss, which is absolutely understandable and logical especially in this hyper-connected and hyper-visible society. Even moreso for those of us that struggle with all kinds of disorders. Disorders that probably come about by being raised in this weird place. An image comes to mind of a circus-bear that just walks in circles around a tree after being set free after years of having to perform in a place that is not it's habitat. I feel like that bear sometimes.

In the end, none of us know anything aside from the thing that is in front of us in the very moment, so why not enjoy it while it's there. Maybe the fear and insecurity can melt, if only for a few seconds or minutes. Those moments are to be cherished and we will have to deal witih loss if we want to experience those at all.

I hope your insecurity subsides, even if it's only a little bit. Take care, little pearl.

 

[lastappleonearth]

This is a bit tmi
It's so strange to be desired sexually, after all the times I was assaulted n all the times my ex literally almost threw up at the thought of me having been touched by someone else (albeit unwillingly), he didn't even want to see me naked often, no matter how desperate I'd get he'd js turn away, and this is so New and different, to be desired
Maybe it's normal and common, it isn't for me, it makes me feel almost normal, at the same time I'm glad I never experienced this before.. It makes me appreciate it all the better, makes it all the more special, if that makes sense
It's nice to feel something special and new, that I don't have to bend over to okay wrong choice of wording here, let's fix it to jumping through hoops to get any kind of attention at all, it's nice, it makes me feel like a normal woman that gets to be cared for and wanted normally
I'm feeling hopeful tonight, about a future and about myself and about him, i know when it passes I'll crash harder than I felt before
It feels like flying across a field only to get shot down by a hunter, the hunter being death, the field being life, something like that
But that's a problem for later me, current me feels happy, loved, wanted, and like I maybe have a place in the world and I deserve to enjoy myself with someone I care about

I relate to your feelings of uncertainty. It's hard to trust if you have a history of it having been broken. I don't want to dig in too deep, but I think you can rest assured he's not bored by you talking. Just as much as you just enjoy his existence, hearing his breath and hearing him speak - he probably enjoys exactly the same thing.

In the end, humans are basically made for companionship and community. Some of us get fucked up along the way and tricked into thinking that we're better off alone - but I don't think I'm alone in saying that loneliness is a major driver of suicidality. It's also a mechanism that attempts to protect us from emotional agony that comes with loss, which is absolutely understandable and logical especially in this hyper-connected and hyper-visible society. Even moreso for those of us that struggle with all kinds of disorders. Disorders that probably come about by being raised in this weird place. An image comes to mind of a circus-bear that just walks in circles around a tree after being set free after years of having to perform in a place that is not it's habitat. I feel like that bear sometimes.

In the end, none of us know anything aside from the thing that is in front of us in the very moment, so why not enjoy it while it's there. Maybe the fear and insecurity can melt, if only for a few seconds or minutes. Those moments are to be cherished and we will have to deal witih loss if we want to experience those at all.

I hope your insecurity subsides, even if it's only a little bit. Take care, little pearl.

Beautifully put and very true, albeit difficult. Sometimes I feel like the fear of losing something or someone is worse than not having that something or someone in the first place. Well for me at least, in general I think that one should always try. Loneliness is awful

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I relate to your feelings of uncertainty. It's hard to trust if you have a history of it having been broken. I don't want to dig in too deep, but I think you can rest assured he's not bored by you talking. Just as much as you just enjoy his existence, hearing his breath and hearing him speak - he probably enjoys exactly the same thing.

In the end, humans are basically made for companionship and community. Some of us get fucked up along the way and tricked into thinking that we're better off alone - but I don't think I'm alone in saying that loneliness is a major driver of suicidality. It's also a mechanism that attempts to protect us from emotional agony that comes with loss, which is absolutely understandable and logical especially in this hyper-connected and hyper-visible society. Even moreso for those of us that struggle with all kinds of disorders. Disorders that probably come about by being raised in this weird place. An image comes to mind of a circus-bear that just walks in circles around a tree after being set free after years of having to perform in a place that is not it's habitat. I feel like that bear sometimes.

In the end, none of us know anything aside from the thing that is in front of us in the very moment, so why not enjoy it while it's there. Maybe the fear and insecurity can melt, if only for a few seconds or minutes. Those moments are to be cherished and we will have to deal witih loss if we want to experience those at all.

I hope your insecurity subsides, even if it's only a little bit. Take care, little pearl.

You're right as always, especially about hopefully cherishing what's in front of us, maybe it'll melt a bit and I'll be able to enjoy things without any fear..
And don't worry you're not prying too deep heh, it's sweet to hear that he likely feels the same, it makes me feel a bit better, I did have that on my mind, that maybe he feels like I do I just can't exactly see it, which then made me sad, what if he also is unsure about whether I feel like that? I'd hope to care for him enough that he will know I won't leave or break his trust
Thank you
I'll do my best <3 you also take care mister Wonka

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I found something I drew a while ago, as preparation for how my suicide would go and look like in my head, I don't exactly remember when I drew it, I do remember the writing, it's interesting how much worse my writing gets as I spiral

 

[fluorescentpearl]

"Do you still like me" I'm gonna cry and hang myself and jump off a cliff and rip my skin off and bite your face off yes I like you I'd do anything for you at this point that's so cute I'm gonna die it's so cute I'm gonna die I have to slam my face onto something and die

 

[ToothFairy]

I found something I drew a while ago, as preparation for how my suicide would go and look like in my head, I don't exactly remember when I drew it, I do remember the writing, it's interesting how much worse my writing gets as I spiral View attachment 207410View attachment 207411

Your drawing is perfect man

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I dreamt of him again, but this time I can't remember it properly at all, I find myself with only one image left from it all.. Him pulling me close and leaving a kiss on my forehead while doing something, it was nice, and sweet, idk the context to it though, recently small images like that have been popping up in my head randomly, never a longer fantasy or scenario, always small bites of a possible closeness, memories of a relationship I've never had, maybe whispers from the future, maybe cracks in timelines through which I can peek a world different from this one, no idea

Your drawing is perfect man

Thank you! I really enjoy drawing, or well used to enjoy drawing

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Dont you love it when your closest friend knows nothing about you? My irl didn't even know I've gone to art school, how is that possible? I know I don't talk of myself much but its impossible that it's never come up, did she forget? Or did she just not care? I don't know, I'm so tired of everyone on this planet, things I found endearing just make me sour and frustrated, it only gets better when I talk to Him, I really love him, its so surreal
Sometimes I'll remember what he's like and how he's like and I'll genuinely just pause to process that he's.. Interested in Me, me, not someone else, this man that is literally the sweetest person, sensitive and smart and funny and handsome, is interested in... Me? Little ol' me? What's the catch? Somehow even just seeing his tattoos sometimes when he shows me stuff I just pause like..... Wow he's..so much more than I deserve but I love him, and he loves me.... . . How? I try to rationalize it, I'm a decently smart woman, I am knowledgeable on many topics, I can hold a conversation, autism-bonding is a factor too, but it all comes back to my insecurity, that he'll find someone better than me that's just like me, if that makes sense, and honestly if he did I'd be happy for him, but man, man, I don't know that I want that, I don't know, I want him, like, I want to be the one to have him and I'm happy he's mine, I don't want to give him up, is that selfish? I want to hug him to my breast and hold his head and shield him from the world with my body, I want to soothe his flesh and smoothen the knots and love him, I want to love him, and I do, and it's so surreal, it's like- wow I met someone like that in such a moment and he actually likes Me, he likes me, not someone else, me, and I like him, and it's at arguably the worst low of both of our lives, and he's..... Mine, wow
I cannot get past that
I have him, I'm not thrown behind, I'm with him, wow, wow, I'm not even sure what to feel truly
I find myself in a serendipitous situation, truly, this is such a chance, and yet everything in my life has lead to this, every choice and mistake lead to him, it all brought me to Him, this is so terrifying
Every step, every path, every butterfly I saw on my walks, the tears I shed alone, every whisper every note every struggle, it all brought me to him, I find myself for the first time in my life thankful for the abuse, the hurt, the death
Thank you to my mental suicide, for my pain, for my sadness, for my hopelessness, had it not been for you all, I would not have met him
I'm a good person God damnit
I'm not stupid, I'm not a toddler, I'm not a rag or a wall, I'm not a monster and a parasite and a demon, I'm not, I'm me, and he loves me, and I don't want to keep looking in the mirror to find a reflection of torture looking back at me, I don't want to be what they tell me I am
And it's okay, it's okay that I'm pathetic and a bit dumb sometimes, a bit absent minded, a bit weak, dependant and a crybaby, it's okay, it doesn't take away that I'm an educated adult woman that survived a whole bunch of horrific experiences
I flinch when people yell around me, I freeze up and go into panic mode, it all comes rushing back to me, the memories like the backside of a ferry popping open come rushing in filling me with water in an instant and I feel I am drowning, I am that little girl again, when someone raises their hand I fear I will be hit, when the tone changes I crumble inside in fear of a conflict, I am so broken, goodness, I'm so shattered, held together by glue and scotch tape, how am I holding on, I don't even know, my gosh
I love him, he's so sweet, I want to eat him, I want to die in his ribs, I want to rest in his flesh and rot with him, I want to be the last person on the planet to have heard his voice before we die, I want to give him everything, I want to move mountains for him, I want to make the world better for him, I want to see every emotion and every feeling and every thought and I want to experience it with him, I want to interlock our fingers and get close enough that our hearts begin beating in sync, I want to melt into him, I want to be by his side for eternity, I want to be his favorite, his number one, his most precious, I want to wash his back, listen to him play guitar, I want to go out to a field together and just lay and talk about nothing and everything for days, I want to experience eternity with him, I want to be full of him, I want so many things, this is the most selfish I've ever been, and I enjoy it, and I prefer it, and I am not as guilty, I love him, I don't care if we don't survive, as much as it would be lovely, it would be just as lovely to die in his arms,a tragic French fairytale,what'll the ending be? I'll know when it gets there

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I want to hug you, and hear your heart beating, and hear your breathing, and notice you're alive and you exist..
It has been a craving, a desire that I bashfully tuck away for it feels more intimate than the most sexual of needs
There is a nakedness to embracing, it's fascinating that I find myself so small and flustered over it
You've come into my life, like a drifting boat in the middle of the sea, and I was all alone- perhaps I cannot lead you to land, but isn't it nice to float around together for a while?
When I have to speak about my desires I close up like a flower, the petals curl inwards and I cover my face peeking through the fingers, I feel my mind melting into cotton and white noise.. There's so many things I'd wish to tell, there's so little time left in this world, will I ever know enough words to declare every feeling and every need?
It's difficult to express myself,is violence the only way I can express the infinite devotion of my heart? No other words feel intense enough, it does not feel the same to tell you I love you and want to pet you, than it does to say I wish to gently kill you and rip your skin off, hide myself in your flesh and bones, be as close as possible, sink into the warmth of your heart.. There is so much more I can say when I am allowed to be softly ferocious
The you of long ago is buried in our yard, the me of long ago is drowned in our sink, they can be set on fire for all I care, I love you now, I love you tomorrow, and yesterday
The dream of last night just makes me wish for your presence more, I don't care for the pleasure necessarily, knowing I'd be fusing with you.. Becoming one, your skin under my nails, marks left on each other, it's so desirable to me, I want it, I want You
I am a selfish woman and I want you to myself, forever

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Last night I had a hopeful time, and was Happy for the first time in a long while, I had lots of hopes for the future and saw possibilities that I didn't often see, I felt happy and loved and almost like I didn't want to die yet.. Today I wake up and I feel empty, the crumbs of that feeling lingers in my brain yet it's not fully there, like a taunt of what I could have all the time if only I was a normal person
I wish it was easier to be okay always
I feel tired and anxious, scared about having to survive in this world and see it all go worse to hell, I'm tired and saddened and the void in me just grows and grows and grows and grows, will the crumbs fall into that pit as well? Will I someday be left with nothing at all of myself, just a sponge soaking up whoever is near me?
I wish I was a normal happy human

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I feel guilty by how strong the need to cut is, I want to do it, it wouldn't hurt if I do it one more time right, I don't remember that I can bleed, I can't see my pain leaving me, the red against my skin looks so beautiful, I want to tear myself up so bad, it used to make me so happy, it used to calm me down, maybe it'll work again? Maybe this one time I'll feel happy over it again? Maybe I'll enjoy it, maybe it'll do me good, I want to do it, I want it to feel good again, I want to be happy again I want it to work again..
I grip onto my cure and yet it has no effect anymore, why? Why why, I don't understand, why has this been taken from me too, I just want to feel the same again, why do I have to be like this? I want it back, I want the cutting back I want the abuse back at least it made me feel alive and purposeful, I want it all back, please Lord bring it back to me..
One time won't mess up anything right.. I can do it again, maybe it'll be different this time, after I shower I'll do it again, when my skin is softest
It was so beautiful
Like slicing butter, my skin is so pale the blood smears and appears pink almost, the inflammation blossoms like petals under my dermis begging to be released, red splatters onto snow, and it feels like static, it feels like cotton, the insecurity melts away and the pain is replaced by gentle stinging.. It stings for days after, little kisses into my wounds, like nibbles from angels cleansing my insides, the blood they touched pours out and I'm clean again, I'm new again, I want it all back, I want to feel happy again, I can't handle the world without it, I want it back so badly
I want to slice it I want to dig the blade and destroy my skin I want it to tear and rip and I want to hear the sound of the blade on skin I want it I want it back
I'm nothing without that, I'm nothing, I don't know what to do

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I want to rip the bones off his corpse and lick them clean, maybe I'm deranged, not in a literal sense, but metaphorically, i am NOT a cannibal
I'm insane but not that way
I like him just a bit (a lot)
He's nice
I'm gonna eat him alive
I feel like he's the one I was waiting for all along
He's so patient and understanding and he tries so hard and I'm so proud of him, and I'm so happyhes all mine, I'll tear out the eyes of any woman that wants him, they can't have him, I'm special, he chose me, I melt and die