Discussion Person(s) you cant forgive and why?

[Lostandfound7]

Who's that one person or persons that ur finding it so hard to forgive, possibly ur reason for wanting to ctb?

For me, I found out a few months ago that my husband cheated on me. That was the main reason that brought me here, amongst others (career, school, bills,etc). While I have forgive him, I find it very hard to forgive the bitch..So every now n then, I send her a scathing email, which I then forward to her husband. I have also sent her husband the texts she was sending my husband.
I thought I forgave her, but every so often, bitterness rises up in me n I get angry n email her..lol..I recently found out her address and am contemplating traveling out of the country to pay her a visit...Soooo, I guess she's not forgiven..;)

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I make a distinction between feelings of forgiveness and intellectually forgiving someone. Intellectually I forgive everyone, since I believe in hard determinism; in your example for instance, I would propose that there wasn't a way for the woman your husband cheated you with to act differently. If you had the exact same life as she had, under the same conditions, the same biology, the same experiences etc, you would have acted in the exact same manner as she did.

Now as for feelings of blame, I allow them since repressing them would be unhealthy; in your case I wouldn't think of them as 'bad' people, but might cut them out of my life, confront them, etc...

 

[Epsilon0]

I wish I could say I was the type who always takes the high road.

Unfortunately, "my good opinion, once lost is lost forever" as Mr. Darcy puts it in Pride and prejudice.

I hold myself and those closest to me to a higher standard which means I an unable to forgive them and myself when mistakes are made.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I make a distinction between feelings of forgiveness and intellectually forgiving someone. Intellectually I forgive everyone, since I believe in hard determinism; in your example for instance, I would propose that there wasn't a way for the woman your husband cheated you with to act differently. If you had the exact same life as she had, under the same conditions, the same biology, the same experiences etc, you would have acted in the exact same manner as she did.

Ty..that's a good way of looking at it..I need to try to look at it from that aspect..It's so hard to..

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Ty..that's a good way of looking at it..I need to try to look at it from that aspect..It's so hard to..

just don't let people walk all over you as a result

 

[KiraComplex]

Forgiveness is hard. Especially if someone you trusted back stabbed the fuck out of you.

I feel u

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I guess ...I can't forgive myself

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've done a lot of work around the idea of forgiveness. I've come to an understanding that it's no longer holding another responsible, that it's a letting go, and is one-sided, and that it's not the same as reconciliation, which is two-sided and requires mutual, long-term, conscious effort.

There are folks who have hurt me, some intentionally and some blindly. Some got off on it, some did not. Over time, I've come to see that they were hurt, and conditioned by that hurt to hurt others. I have forgiven them, but without their efforts to reconcile, some hurt and offense remains, though it has greatly lessened with the efforts I have made to heal. It is the hurt and offense that cling to me, and I make efforts to no longer cling to them, but in order to do that, I need something else to hold, and that is me. Each person separated me from love and from something in myself. The more I reconcile with myself, the less I feel the need for those who hurt me to hear me and my pain.

The goodbye letter I wrote to my parents, the way that I wrote it so that they could find it if they sought it and then perhaps could hear -- that helped me to let go. I felt heard. I feel so much less focused on them. It was freeing. Even if I were to choose to live, I am freer for having written and posted it.

 

[Dear Flabby]

The people that have done horrible things to me have made profound errors by jumping to conclusions.
They cannot expend the energy to evaluate easily verified facts, therefore I cannot expend the energy to engage with them further.
Thus, I have lost my family.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

I forgive my Aunty but I don't want to see her anymore.

I had an uncle who was very successful and wealthy. She was so nice to him and highly respected him.

When my uncle lost his wealth and his family he became very depressed. She stopped respecting him, because the only thing she respects in this world is money.

When he made his first suicide attempt she mocked him and called him attention seeking. When he was successful the second time...she didn't care.

 

[Lostandfound7]

just don't let people walk all over you as a result

Exactly!

 

[blood orange]

"I can't forgive you, unless you say you're sorry."

I think with forgiveness, either you forgive them and perhaps accept the fact they may hurt you again.

Or you cut your losses there and bail.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Forgiveness is hard. Especially if someone you trusted back stabbed the fuck out of you.

I feel u

Verrrrry hard! I forgave him cuz I guess I had to cuz it's a marriage, but dammmmm...Her I'm having a hard time forgiving n letting go..smdh

 

[TheEndof]

Who's that one person or persons that ur finding it so hard to forgive, possibly ur reason for wanting to ctb?

For me, I found out a few months ago that my husband cheated on me. That was the main reason that brought me here, amongst others (career, school, bills,etc). While I have forgive him, I find it very hard to forgive the bitch..So every now n then, I send her a scathing email, which I then forward to her husband. I have also sent her husband the texts she was sending my husband.
I thought I forgave her, but every so often, bitterness rises up in me n I get angry n email her..lol..I recently found out her address and am contemplating traveling out of the country to pay her a visit...So I guess she's not forgiven..;)

I felt that. I found out a few months ago that my fiancé has been cheating on me with several women over the last couple of years. I don't hold so much anger for the other women as I do him. Though that's partly because he says they have/had no idea about me. I guess I feel some bitterness towards one in particular because I do not believe that she did not know, or she's just especially naive. For some reason her naivety makes me just as bitter as her knowing. It's not logical, I get it.

Right now a lot of my anger comes from him leading me to believe that he was ready to settle down and start a family, buy a house, get married, after several years together when he wasn't at all. I am angry he didn't have the decency to let me go or at least not get me pregnant without giving me the knowledge that I do now.

most of all though I'm angry at myself for not seeing the signs/ignoring them. I'm also angry at myself for getting in this position. I can forgive him quite easily, but myself? Probably never.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I guess ...I can't forgive myself

Same too...

I've done a lot of work around the idea of forgiveness. I've come to an understanding that it's no longer holding another responsible, that it's a letting go, and is one-sided, and that it's not the same as reconciliation, which is two-sided and requires mutual, long-term, conscious effort.

There are folks who have hurt me, some intentionally and some blindly. Some got off on it, some did not. Over time, I've come to see that they were hurt, and conditioned by that hurt to hurt others. I have forgiven them, but without their efforts to reconcile, some hurt and offense remains, though it has greatly lessened with the efforts I have made to heal. It is the hurt and offense that cling to me, and I make efforts to no longer cling to them, but in order to do that, I need something else to hold, and that is me. Each person separated me from love and from something in myself. The more I reconcile with myself, the less I feel the need for those who hurt me to hear me and my pain.

The goodbye letter I wrote to my parents, the way that I wrote it so that they could find it if they sought it and then perhaps could hear -- that helped me to let go. I felt heard. I feel so much less focused on them. It was freeing. Even if I were to choose to live, I am freer for having written and posted it.

Truth..

The people that have done horrible things to me have made profound errors by jumping to conclusions.
They cannot expend the energy to evaluate easily verified facts, therefore I cannot expend the energy to engage with them further.
Thus, I have lost my family.

I feel ur pain...I'm sorry ur no longer in contact with ur family..

I felt that. I found out a few months ago that my fiancé has been cheating on me with several women over the last couple of years. I don't hold so much anger for the other women as I do him. Though that's partly because he says they have/had no idea about me. I guess I feel some bitterness towards one in particular because I do not believe that she did not know, or she's just especially naive. For some reason her naivety makes me just as bitter as her knowing. It's not logical, I get it.

Right now a lot of my anger comes from him leading me to believe that he was ready to settle down and start a family, buy a house, get married, after several years together when he wasn't at all. I am angry he didn't have the decency to let me go or at least not get me pregnant without giving me the knowledge that I do now.

most of all though I'm angry at myself for not seeing the signs/ignoring them. I'm also angry at myself for getting in this position. I can forgive him quite easily, but myself? Probably never.

So u feel my pain in the heartbreak that comes with that...
I have forgiven my husband but trust me, I make him pay for it..daily..
I'm sorry that u have experienced that..it's so painful..Sending u love n strength..

I forgive my Aunty but I don't want to see her anymore.

I had an uncle who was very successful and wealthy. She was so nice to him and highly respected him.

When my uncle lost his wealth and his family he became very depressed. She stopped respecting him, because the only thing she respects in this world is money.

When he made his first suicide attempt she mocked him and called him attention seeking. When he was successful the second time...she didn't care.

Omg that's horrible..so sorry to hear that..I often wonder how ppl can b so cold b evil to someone u made a vow to..to not care whether they live or die?..sad..

To forgive her but not wanna see her is fair...I don't blame u...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Verrrrry hard! I forgave him cuz I guess I had to cuz it's a marriage, but dammmmm...Her I'm having a hard time forgiving n letting go..smdh

You know, when someone suicides, people often can't deal with it, so they find something they can deal with, a scapegoat to take the responsibility and blame.

What your husband did...you don't *have* to forgive him. Until the hard work of reconciliation is done, I think this woman is a much easier target to take out all of your understandable rage for the offense caused to your union, your trust, your love, etc.

I just read a book where someone cheated, the mother-in-law had been through it, and she said to her daughter and son-in-law (the cheater) that the couple needed to go back to focusing on each other, or the relationship became about the person with whom he interrupted it. The son-in-law was ready to do that work, the daughter had yet to let him. I hope your husband is willing to do the work, and to focus on you and your relationship. Then that other woman will matter less and less.

Just my thoughts...

 

[Nem]

My ex. For being a sociopath, empathy-less control freak that ruined my life with her controlling ways. That's one person that I regret meeting and also not killing, I would've gone to jail for it but it was a tough call let me tell you.
Peace/hugs

 

[Dear Flabby]

Same too...

Truth..

I feel ur pain...I'm sorry ur no longer in contact with ur family..

So u feel my pain in the heartbreak that comes with that...
I have forgiven my husband but trust me, I make him pay for it..daily..
I'm sorry that u have experienced that..it's so painful..Sending u love n strength..

Omg that's horrible..so sorry to hear that..I often wonder how ppl can b so cold b evil to someone u made a vow to..to not care whether they live or die?..sad..

To forgive her but not wanna see her is fair...I don't blame u...

Despite your own pain and loss, your unfailing kindness and empathy is so healing. Thank you.

 

[k75]

My aunt, for murdering my grandmother, who was one of the two most important people in my life.

 

[Lostandfound7]

You know, when someone suicides, people often can't deal with it, so they find something they can deal with, a scapegoat to take the responsibility and blame.

What your husband did...you don't *have* to forgive him. Until the hard work of reconciliation is done, I think this woman is a much easier target to take out all of your understandable rage for the offense caused to your union, your trust, your love, etc.

I just read a book where someone cheated, the mother-in-law had been through it, and she said to her daughter and son-in-law (the cheater) that the couple needed to go back to focusing on each other, or the relationship became about the person with whom he interrupted it. The son-in-law was ready to do that work, the daughter had yet to let him. I hope your husband is willing to do the work, and to focus on you and your relationship. Then that other woman will matter less and less.

Just my thoughts...

Yes he has and we r currently in marriage counseling...

**The reason for my rage towards her is totally warranted. Granted, he is 100% responsible for his actions and I never excuse his behavior n infidelity,

HOWEVER, this female, who is married btw, is so evil that when he felt guilty after, she threatened to tell me n send me the texts, which she did n continued to over the course of a few days. Until I had to change my #..She lives out the country so found it easy to torment me cuz I couldn't get to her. She knows that had she been in my city, I'm a fighter n would have handled her..
Now the tables have turned n I now torment her...

My ex. For being a sociopath, empathy-less control freak that ruined my life with her controlling ways. That's one person that I regret meeting and also not killing, I would've gone to jail for it but it was a tough call let me tell you.
Peace/hugs

I GET U!!!!.
.I'm so sorry..Those ppl ruin it for the other good ones too...

My aunt, for murdering my grandmother, who was one of the two most important people in my life.

Wow..that's heavy..I'm sorry n not sure if I could easily forgive her either..

Yes he has and we r currently in marriage counseling...

**The reason for my rage towards her is totally warranted. Granted, he is 100% responsible for his actions and I never excuse his behavior n infidelity,

HOWEVER, this female, who is married btw, is so evil that when he felt guilty after, she threatened to tell me n send me the texts, which she did n continued to over the course of a few days. Until I had to change my #..She lives out the country so found it easy to torment me cuz I couldn't get to her. She knows that had she been in my city, I'm a fighter n would have handled her..
Now the tables have turned n I now torment her...

I GET U!!!!. But I'm glad u didn't..I'm positive she's not worth ur freedom..
.I'm so sorry..Those ppl ruin it for the other good ones too...

Wow..that's heavy..I'm sorry n not sure if I could easily forgive her either..

 

[Esc9434]

Who's that one person or persons that ur finding it so hard to forgive, possibly ur reason for wanting to ctb?

For me, I found out a few months ago that my husband cheated on me. That was the main reason that brought me here, amongst others (career, school, bills,etc). While I have forgive him, I find it very hard to forgive the bitch..So every now n then, I send her a scathing email, which I then forward to her husband. I have also sent her husband the texts she was sending my husband.
I thought I forgave her, but every so often, bitterness rises up in me n I get angry n email her..lol..I recently found out her address and am contemplating traveling out of the country to pay her a visit...Soooo, I guess she's not forgiven..;)

Sounds like this lady wasn't a friend to you. You should be angrier at your husband though. It takes two to cheat.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Sounds like this lady wasn't a friend to you. You should be angrier at your husband though. It takes two to cheat.

No she wasn't a friend. I didn't know her until this..

I wanna b clear..I'm Def angry at him since WE r married but my anger towards her is diff cuz of her evil in even after getting caught, still causing further pain to a wife who is already hurt, by sending the texts. She didn't have to do that since I didn't doubt his cheating. But she wanted to break me down n torment me. ( He has been apologetic daily for his actions).That, makes it hard for me to forgive her. NOT the cheating. But what she did AFTER..

 

[Quarky00]

As I said I wouldn't forgive her . Moving on is great , not caring , etc -- but why should we "forgive" home wreckers , or abusers ? Coming to terms with our trauma does not require us to forgive the perpetrator . Accept what happened (that does not mean agree or approve) and acknowledge it. I move on and know they are bad people . I don't care about them . I don't need to forgive them . Sorry , I just don't understand forgiveness (for serious things) and never will

As for your question , accordingly , everyone .. Lol
Abusive partners , parents , etc .

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance.

I don't mind bad people being punished , what's wrong with that? ;)

I rarely think about it . But they are still bad people -- if they get hurt I will be slightly "amused" (or something like that).

 

[Lostandfound7]

As I said I wouldn't forgive her . Moving on is great , not caring , etc -- but why should we "forgive" home wreckers , or abusers ? Coming to terms with our trauma does not require us to forgive the perpetrator . I move on and know they are bad people . I don't care about them . I don't need to forgive them . Sorry , I just don't understand forgiveness (for serious things) and never will

As for your question , accordingly , everyone .. Lol
Abusive partners , parents , etc .



I don't mind bad people being punished , what's wrong with that? ;)

Ty Uncle Quarky..

And u did tell me that n ur right..I just don't want my anger to affect my health, life, judgement..I need to let that fact that I don't forgive her b OK, but not let the thought of her make me angry..

Can I pay her a visit tho??.

 

[Quarky00]

I feel that letting go of anger is superb , and for me it's quite different than forgiving .. In forgiveness I see some "reconciliation" with perpetrator . When you forgive someone you shake their hands (metaphorically) . That sounds horrible to me .

I just don't want my anger to affect my health, life, judgement

That I support without a doubt .

I am angry at people who hurt me . And I always will . But it's far from rage or fury that overcomes me . I'm smiling as I wrote that , because I don't care about them . I think it's more "moving on and putting the past behind" rather than forgiveness . That's my perspective :)

Can I pay her a visit tho??.

Sure , what's wrong with a "friendly talk" ..
*sharpening the knifes*

 

[Mistry420]

When my ex cheated the 2 girls got stalked the fuck out of by me I made their lives misery, they deleted their social media's, changed their phone numbers and were distressed. Getting a reaction is all I wanted but a year later my psycho self would still punch a bitch, even though it's probably him I should punch..
I think subconsciously I hate them because he chose them if that makes sense

but yeah him doing that did bring me here and to this point amongst other things, I just don't think Ican stomach another betrayal (after my mum, older brother, dad and him now )

 

[blood orange]

When my ex cheated the 2 girls got stalked the fuck out of by me I made their lives misery, they deleted their social media's, changed their phone numbers and were distressed. Getting a reaction is all I wanted but a year later my psycho self would still punch a bitch, even though it's probably him I should punch..
I think subconsciously I hate them because he chose them if that makes sense

but yeah him doing that did bring me here and to this point amongst other things, I just don't think Ican stomach another betrayal (after my mum, older brother, dad and him now )

This resonates with me so much.

I am one extremely petty mofo, I never believed in the high road and also sought some sort of retribution.

I want you to know that your worth isn't equivalent to how your SO and the people who wronged you, treated you. And you're not wrong for withholding forgiveness if you choose to. They took your trust and broke it, it honestly sucks for them they did not have the foresight to see how their actions would be a detriment to their relationship.

I'd have more respect for someone if they could say "I'm not happy/my needs are not being met in this relationship" instead of cheating. It just proves they can't address their concerns like an adult.

 

[faust]

I think it is a good trait to forgive. There is no aggression, no disappointment eating me from inside. I just know that forgiveness is a good thing. It makes you a little bit more free. It is much better to reach conclusions instead of carrying the burden if somebody lets you down.

 

[Jean4]

My brother. He molested me at age 4 and gave me Herpes.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I feel that letting go of anger is superb , and for me it's quite different than forgiving .. In forgiveness I see some "reconciliation" with perpetrator . When you forgive someone you shake their hands (metaphorically) . That sounds horrible to me .


That I support without a doubt .

I am angry at people who hurt me . And I always will . But it's far from rage or fury that overcomes me . I'm smiling as I wrote that , because I don't care about them . I think it's more "moving on and putting the past behind" rather than forgiveness . That's my perspective :)

Sure , what's wrong with a "friendly talk" ..
*sharpening the knifes*

I always thought that being angry meant I haven't forgiven but I'm coming to realize now, that u can still b angry cuz it's an emotion, even tho u have "released" them n moved on, like u said..

I used to hear that unforgiveness is "like drinking poison n expecting the other person to die"...

Lmbo @ the friendly talk!!..time for a NYC "meet n grrrreet"..