Peeking my head into recovery

[bigbang33]

This is my first post in the recovery section. I found this website a few months ago and had posted a few times in the suicide discussion.

I've had a few rough, rough years. So many things happened and my life was completely turned upside down.

A unwanted divorce that was super quick, being replaced after 8 years within 2 weeks. Lost my best friend, a dog, was diagnosed with borderline, fired, financial problems. It's been a tough ride. I looked up some statistics on borderline and it said that 75 ish % attempt suicide. What a bleak outlook. And I get it, I mean my god, borderline is a special hell.

So I got to the point of where I was in so much pain that suicide seemed to be my only option. I found this website, and I read a few threads of people who successfully used SN. I read some of the "transcripts/timestamped/timelines (idk what else to call it) and researched the mechanism of what happens.

And it made me so sad. And through all the self hate I have for myself, there was a glimpse of compassion.

I just imagined my body and heart and cells fighting like crazy to survive. Trying to compensate, but not being able to. And I just wanted to give myself a hug. To realize that my body would be fighting for me, but my mind would give up. My soul desperately trying to hold on.

It made me think. And it made me re evaluate.

I know the things that have happened to me are not anything....super terrible. Life happens. Bad things happen. And we cope with it. Obviously as someone with multiple mental health problems, I am not great at coping. But I had this thought: if my brain can make me feel this sad & depressed, it needs to have the capacity for the opposite too.

So anyway, I don't want to give up yet. I'm not

 

[timf]

You have a necessary skill already, perspective. Sometimes things focus down so narrow, that other options seem out of reach.

Often those who have had comfortable lives crumple when faced with a crucible of adversity. Others can come out stronger.

One thing you may find is that you may never be able to look at the world the same way. There are certain people for whom this permanent change of perspective happens like cops, combat veterans, emergency room nurses, abuse victims, real refugees, those with serious medical conditions, and even some ex-cons.

In a way your life can be more intentional. You have the option of making choices that can point your life in a direction that can be very satisfying. You will find a greater perspicacity in choosing friends, You may be able to cultivate a kindness and compassion in your own heart that might not have been brought out before.

Having a more clear and sharper view of reality allows one to often side step much of the BS in the world. Bad experiences can result in bitterness and resentment or can push one towards transcendence. Some even find in their religion a core of something useful that had not even been noticed before.

 

[2messdup]

These first two posts really resonated with me. I'll be watching this thread. Thank you xxxx