persistentheartache
Member
- Apr 2, 2026
- 24
Having a rough day or past few days. I feel pretty stupid about everything, like how my life has gone and what my problems are. Recently friends from the mma gym i used to train at have been telling me to come back. I used to be a very regular presence there. I would train in the morning, evening, a few years ago it was basically my second home. I would help out my coach by covering beginner classes and helping with privates. I would train with people outside of class all the time. Ever since a veritable chain reaction of shitty things happening, I've gone from very outgoing, open, and passionate, to chronically closed off and isolated.
Everything sort of started going downhill around the same time, late 2023. I started feeling overwhelmed and unable to manage school and I dropped out. I visited some friends in the US which was fun and for a time I'd wanted to move. during my time there I wasn't really depressed or anything. But then I got blocked at the border due to not having enough ties to my home country (not working or in school, nothing that financially or otherwise creates obligation for me to return home). I was so depressed and unable to motivate myself to go to school or work so I just rotted for years. I got into some relationships which ultimately failed because of my poor mental health.
I feel like the root of my problems is I don't or can't care about things in my life anymore. I feel like it started with being emotionally abused by my mom. who discouraged me from my hobbies and only cared about anything related to getting a job and if she didn't see a direct line to getting paid she didn't care. I remember as a kid feeling bleakly about life, that it seemed like life was just getting a deadend job you hate, spending most of your waking hours miserable then rinse and repeat. I remember my mom getting upset with me many times about this and telling me it's normal to be miserable and it's normal to not fulfill your dreams. She always told me I couldn't trust anyone else except family even though the people nicest to me were my friends or social workers and my mom was regularly physically and verbally abusive. For most of my life I would try really hard at everything because that was all my mom ever told me to do if i had a problem. just try harder. if I did well, i should try harder. if i didn't do well, i should try harder. and the pay off? you get to do more work and try harder. I don't know maybe I'm just retarded but it's just exhausting. I developed a lot of learned helplessness from trying to stop her from hitting me or breaking things or being mean to me as a kid. Now that just manifests as looking and feeling pathetic all the time. At some point, I hit my mom back and after that she stopped hitting me. if anything she started acting scared of me. Which pisses me off because my entire childhood was spent in fear of her. She would tell me how useless and stupid I was. How I couldn't do anything how I give up easily etc. All my hobbies, music, working out, martial arts, etc were all pursued by me with no money or resources. I would offer to clean or work at whatever place because we were so poor I had no other way of going to a gym. Hell I even stole instruments as a teenager because I couldn't afford them any other way. To me, I've done nothing but persevere my whole life on the vague promise that it would get better but things kept getting harder.
And it's like honestly I just don't care about anything in my life enough to keep going. not anymore. And no one really has advice for that. people go quiet or give me empty platitudes. I try not to complain and I often keep my problems to myself these days to avoid burning people out. The older I get the worse it becomes I already feel like I'm over the point of no return.
I don't have anyone I feel safe or comfortable talking to. it's not that I have no one to talk to but I just don't think anyone my age can give me good advice for my rut. I don't want to rely on others. I hate that every solution involves just continuing to feel bad. I know that trying and getting better doesn't have to feel bad. it really doesn't. so idk. maybe it's because I'm not a teenager or in my early 20s anymore. It's pretty embarrassing to be alive.
I recently decided I no longer wanted to CTB. but honestly, it's been embarrassing trying to live. Like I feel embarrassed for trying. and as stupid as it sounds I really just want to fall in love again with someone who can help me to feel better and more optimistic about life. But I don't think anyone gives af about losers who are sad or "works in progress". I wish there were people ok with or could even be attracted to me as I am, for who I am.
I know that relationships should be the least of my problems. I want to feel safe and like my life is moving. It is moving and I am safe but I don't feel like it. I just do things I'm supposed to and I feel miserable about it and people around me tell me they're proud of me or I'm doing well or whatever but I don't feel like it. it feels like I'm living my life to satisfy my therapist and friends.
I recognize that like my thoughts and feelings aren't facts and that everything I'm writing doesn't necessarily represent my true beliefs but I just need to vent and be pathetic. I've stopped doing it and I feel much worse for it. doesn't help that many of my friends are younger and don't have the experience to give me any advice. and my friends who are older, I'm just embarrassed to go to them about my problems.
Life seems so much easier for everyone else. Like they're able to care. I don't and I'm tired of people acting like that's some personal failure. like I want to care but I don't. I haven't been able to feel truly good in so long. I'm just always putting on some veil of self control and discipline and maturity and it fucking sucks I hate my life. I can never open up to the people closest to me because if you complain without getting better, people WILL just stop talking to you. which is retarded to me. It means if I really want to be friends with people I need to keep my problems to myself. I can't ever really be vulnerable to people. I hate being treated like I'm this way because of some personal failure. even if you're pushing yourself in ways others aren't and have visible and measurable work or improvements, it doesn't seem to matter if you're still sad.
Maybe I need a change in meds, I don't know.
I think it's incredibly improbable that there's no way to be happy. Although I think I'll end up waiting for an opportunity to get medical assistance in death. Trying to CTB so far has been unsuccessful and humiliating. I'd rather try to live happily earnestly until there's a surefire way to die.
I feel so much contempt and resentment towards my mom these days. She acts so fearful now that it pisses me off because that was my experience for a decade and a half. I begged her to stop repeatedly. I tried reasoning with her. I tried cooperating with her and listening to her advice. But she only decides to change after I hit her back? I seriously hate that so much. Like why. And when I follow her advice it consistently makes things harder or worse for me. When it comes to work or relationships or major life decisions. She never seems to try and understand my perspective she just acts guilty and says she's trying her best. like woman how do you think I felt when you would hit me for not knowing better when I was a child and you're an adult.
It might sound cold but like I don't care that she was raised to be this way and it's just how she knows to be. Why would you beat me for not knowing something I obviously wouldn't know. She would always treat me like I was stupid even though much of the time she genuinely has no clue what she's talking about. She uses surface level reasoning to make all her decisions. there's never ever any nuance or principle or wisdom behind any of her advice. it's just hey this sounds good because my friend said so. and then it's always something retarded. Recently she keeps getting her spiritual friends to perform rituals to protect me.
Bitch I needed that when you were beating me yourself and telling me you wished I wasn't born. It's humiliating. my life and problems. However she brainwashed me to feel like everything is so scary and difficult makes it so much harder to get out. Working always makes me suicidal which is pathetic I know but like I can't help that even if I just work. And it's just like ok for me to be miserable as long as I'm productive? lmao??? like obviously i have no regard for my life or wellbeing after being raised like that. She just lets me make bad decisions. It's just retarded having to figure everything out myself. I'm behind everyone and even though I understand to keep trying it just fucking sucks.
no one wants to be friends with or be around someone who's always upset or whatever. I can't be happy because my mind is always preoccupied with something else. for whatever reason my mom thought hitting me and making me cry every time i made a mistakes was somehow going to help me.
Nowadays I can't even find a job. I stay productive however else I can. I take care of my health, I volunteer, I go to therapy, I'm going back to school in september. I don't know man I just don't believe things will get better. And I can't tell that to people because they'll think I'm choosing not to believe. So I just have to deal with things myself or otherwise just embarrass myself opening up to others. Nonetheless I know I need to just keep trying. but it's exhausting. even if things get a bit better each day, each week, each month, etc,,, it's such a miserable process I don't want to keep doing this.
I have a friend who's like 7 years older than me, with a career and a wife and everything. he tells me he's miserable and wants to kill himself all the time but he doesn't and he just keeps going. dude that does not make me want to keep living lmao. I mean not that it matters because I don't plan to kill myself yet.
I don't know. my friends seem to think I'm cool, that i have things going for me, and I'm sure that that's true. maybe today is just one of those harder days.
For a long time I motivated myself through the belief that I deserved to suffer anyways. which was instilled in me from my earliest memories. That was how I largely got myself to persevere and make positive choices in my life. I know that's counterintuitive to a lot of people. But it's like I know rationally I want to be happier and that it can happen. but emotionally, I'd feel more comfortable being miserable and i feel like i deserve to suffer. So I would have myself doing things that I hated that I knew was good for me because it sucked and being miserable was what I deserved.
Now I'm getting it in my retarded head that that's somehow not a healthy mindset. and now it's way harder for me to get myself to do miserable stuff. like before I felt like I found this cool mental illness loophole for staying productive (which worked, at one time i was a 4.0 student with a part time job, lots of hobbies, and a social life). but now i keep having this "self care" idea where I should be trying to feel good but then it's just this whole confusing mess of what kinds of feeling good is healthy or not. and it's not intuitive at all for me.
To be honest, I feel like listening to others that I don't deserve to suffer has just made me whinier and less productive. I'd rather feel the comfort of suffering and feeling like i deserve it and then doing positive things, however unintuitive that sounds to others. So maybe I'll do that. I don't know. it's not like it has to make sense to other people as long as it works for me.
None of the positive things I've acquired that I valued in my life were done by following others advice anyhow. I think maybe I ought to go back to my old edgy masochistic view of things. I don't know.
anyways if anyone has relevant thoughts i'd love to read them
ty for your time
Everything sort of started going downhill around the same time, late 2023. I started feeling overwhelmed and unable to manage school and I dropped out. I visited some friends in the US which was fun and for a time I'd wanted to move. during my time there I wasn't really depressed or anything. But then I got blocked at the border due to not having enough ties to my home country (not working or in school, nothing that financially or otherwise creates obligation for me to return home). I was so depressed and unable to motivate myself to go to school or work so I just rotted for years. I got into some relationships which ultimately failed because of my poor mental health.
I feel like the root of my problems is I don't or can't care about things in my life anymore. I feel like it started with being emotionally abused by my mom. who discouraged me from my hobbies and only cared about anything related to getting a job and if she didn't see a direct line to getting paid she didn't care. I remember as a kid feeling bleakly about life, that it seemed like life was just getting a deadend job you hate, spending most of your waking hours miserable then rinse and repeat. I remember my mom getting upset with me many times about this and telling me it's normal to be miserable and it's normal to not fulfill your dreams. She always told me I couldn't trust anyone else except family even though the people nicest to me were my friends or social workers and my mom was regularly physically and verbally abusive. For most of my life I would try really hard at everything because that was all my mom ever told me to do if i had a problem. just try harder. if I did well, i should try harder. if i didn't do well, i should try harder. and the pay off? you get to do more work and try harder. I don't know maybe I'm just retarded but it's just exhausting. I developed a lot of learned helplessness from trying to stop her from hitting me or breaking things or being mean to me as a kid. Now that just manifests as looking and feeling pathetic all the time. At some point, I hit my mom back and after that she stopped hitting me. if anything she started acting scared of me. Which pisses me off because my entire childhood was spent in fear of her. She would tell me how useless and stupid I was. How I couldn't do anything how I give up easily etc. All my hobbies, music, working out, martial arts, etc were all pursued by me with no money or resources. I would offer to clean or work at whatever place because we were so poor I had no other way of going to a gym. Hell I even stole instruments as a teenager because I couldn't afford them any other way. To me, I've done nothing but persevere my whole life on the vague promise that it would get better but things kept getting harder.
And it's like honestly I just don't care about anything in my life enough to keep going. not anymore. And no one really has advice for that. people go quiet or give me empty platitudes. I try not to complain and I often keep my problems to myself these days to avoid burning people out. The older I get the worse it becomes I already feel like I'm over the point of no return.
I don't have anyone I feel safe or comfortable talking to. it's not that I have no one to talk to but I just don't think anyone my age can give me good advice for my rut. I don't want to rely on others. I hate that every solution involves just continuing to feel bad. I know that trying and getting better doesn't have to feel bad. it really doesn't. so idk. maybe it's because I'm not a teenager or in my early 20s anymore. It's pretty embarrassing to be alive.
I recently decided I no longer wanted to CTB. but honestly, it's been embarrassing trying to live. Like I feel embarrassed for trying. and as stupid as it sounds I really just want to fall in love again with someone who can help me to feel better and more optimistic about life. But I don't think anyone gives af about losers who are sad or "works in progress". I wish there were people ok with or could even be attracted to me as I am, for who I am.
I know that relationships should be the least of my problems. I want to feel safe and like my life is moving. It is moving and I am safe but I don't feel like it. I just do things I'm supposed to and I feel miserable about it and people around me tell me they're proud of me or I'm doing well or whatever but I don't feel like it. it feels like I'm living my life to satisfy my therapist and friends.
I recognize that like my thoughts and feelings aren't facts and that everything I'm writing doesn't necessarily represent my true beliefs but I just need to vent and be pathetic. I've stopped doing it and I feel much worse for it. doesn't help that many of my friends are younger and don't have the experience to give me any advice. and my friends who are older, I'm just embarrassed to go to them about my problems.
Life seems so much easier for everyone else. Like they're able to care. I don't and I'm tired of people acting like that's some personal failure. like I want to care but I don't. I haven't been able to feel truly good in so long. I'm just always putting on some veil of self control and discipline and maturity and it fucking sucks I hate my life. I can never open up to the people closest to me because if you complain without getting better, people WILL just stop talking to you. which is retarded to me. It means if I really want to be friends with people I need to keep my problems to myself. I can't ever really be vulnerable to people. I hate being treated like I'm this way because of some personal failure. even if you're pushing yourself in ways others aren't and have visible and measurable work or improvements, it doesn't seem to matter if you're still sad.
Maybe I need a change in meds, I don't know.
I think it's incredibly improbable that there's no way to be happy. Although I think I'll end up waiting for an opportunity to get medical assistance in death. Trying to CTB so far has been unsuccessful and humiliating. I'd rather try to live happily earnestly until there's a surefire way to die.
I feel so much contempt and resentment towards my mom these days. She acts so fearful now that it pisses me off because that was my experience for a decade and a half. I begged her to stop repeatedly. I tried reasoning with her. I tried cooperating with her and listening to her advice. But she only decides to change after I hit her back? I seriously hate that so much. Like why. And when I follow her advice it consistently makes things harder or worse for me. When it comes to work or relationships or major life decisions. She never seems to try and understand my perspective she just acts guilty and says she's trying her best. like woman how do you think I felt when you would hit me for not knowing better when I was a child and you're an adult.
It might sound cold but like I don't care that she was raised to be this way and it's just how she knows to be. Why would you beat me for not knowing something I obviously wouldn't know. She would always treat me like I was stupid even though much of the time she genuinely has no clue what she's talking about. She uses surface level reasoning to make all her decisions. there's never ever any nuance or principle or wisdom behind any of her advice. it's just hey this sounds good because my friend said so. and then it's always something retarded. Recently she keeps getting her spiritual friends to perform rituals to protect me.
Bitch I needed that when you were beating me yourself and telling me you wished I wasn't born. It's humiliating. my life and problems. However she brainwashed me to feel like everything is so scary and difficult makes it so much harder to get out. Working always makes me suicidal which is pathetic I know but like I can't help that even if I just work. And it's just like ok for me to be miserable as long as I'm productive? lmao??? like obviously i have no regard for my life or wellbeing after being raised like that. She just lets me make bad decisions. It's just retarded having to figure everything out myself. I'm behind everyone and even though I understand to keep trying it just fucking sucks.
no one wants to be friends with or be around someone who's always upset or whatever. I can't be happy because my mind is always preoccupied with something else. for whatever reason my mom thought hitting me and making me cry every time i made a mistakes was somehow going to help me.
Nowadays I can't even find a job. I stay productive however else I can. I take care of my health, I volunteer, I go to therapy, I'm going back to school in september. I don't know man I just don't believe things will get better. And I can't tell that to people because they'll think I'm choosing not to believe. So I just have to deal with things myself or otherwise just embarrass myself opening up to others. Nonetheless I know I need to just keep trying. but it's exhausting. even if things get a bit better each day, each week, each month, etc,,, it's such a miserable process I don't want to keep doing this.
I have a friend who's like 7 years older than me, with a career and a wife and everything. he tells me he's miserable and wants to kill himself all the time but he doesn't and he just keeps going. dude that does not make me want to keep living lmao. I mean not that it matters because I don't plan to kill myself yet.
I don't know. my friends seem to think I'm cool, that i have things going for me, and I'm sure that that's true. maybe today is just one of those harder days.
For a long time I motivated myself through the belief that I deserved to suffer anyways. which was instilled in me from my earliest memories. That was how I largely got myself to persevere and make positive choices in my life. I know that's counterintuitive to a lot of people. But it's like I know rationally I want to be happier and that it can happen. but emotionally, I'd feel more comfortable being miserable and i feel like i deserve to suffer. So I would have myself doing things that I hated that I knew was good for me because it sucked and being miserable was what I deserved.
Now I'm getting it in my retarded head that that's somehow not a healthy mindset. and now it's way harder for me to get myself to do miserable stuff. like before I felt like I found this cool mental illness loophole for staying productive (which worked, at one time i was a 4.0 student with a part time job, lots of hobbies, and a social life). but now i keep having this "self care" idea where I should be trying to feel good but then it's just this whole confusing mess of what kinds of feeling good is healthy or not. and it's not intuitive at all for me.
To be honest, I feel like listening to others that I don't deserve to suffer has just made me whinier and less productive. I'd rather feel the comfort of suffering and feeling like i deserve it and then doing positive things, however unintuitive that sounds to others. So maybe I'll do that. I don't know. it's not like it has to make sense to other people as long as it works for me.
None of the positive things I've acquired that I valued in my life were done by following others advice anyhow. I think maybe I ought to go back to my old edgy masochistic view of things. I don't know.
anyways if anyone has relevant thoughts i'd love to read them
ty for your time
