I (20F) don't think I will ever be able to be happy as long as I exist in this body.
Each time I see a beautiful girl I only feel grief. Enormous grief for what I will never be able to experience.
Not having to worry about wether I'm valuable or not, because my mere physical form is valuable and attractive to people.
I feel like I'm only kept around because I'm a) a huge people pleaser and b) "smart" and funny.
In short, I'm good company and I pretty much transform myself to fit with whoever I'm with so that I can gain their affection. And I will go to any lenghts to do so.
However, the affection I receive is always conditional. It's not because of who I am. It's because of the way I act. I have to "earn it".
And I'm always left with this feeling that they're only with me temporarily until they find someone better.
I feel used, humiliated, ashamed and sad all the time.
Even if I spent millions in plastic surgery I could never achieve what so many girls my age were naturally blessed with. It sucks. I feel like I'm a spectator in life, that dreams of being seen as worthy, interesting, beautiful.. but ultimately could never be that way.
I try so hard to be pretty and I'm always left feeling humiliated when I'm in a full face of the makeup I studied to perfectly enhance my features, (shitty, thin, spaghetti-like) hair done and dyed, and a nice outfit and some girl who just rolled out of bed makes me look like an absolute village troll just by standing next to me.
I don't even feel like a real woman and I was born one.
My face is ugly. My body is mediocre. I have no curves, I look pre-pubescent and stuffy and un-graceful.
Falling in love for me means living in fear that a "real woman", a beautiful one, will come and snatch that person away from me. I feel like the placeholder for a woman, the next best thing...
Each time I see a beautiful girl I only feel grief. Enormous grief for what I will never be able to experience.
Not having to worry about wether I'm valuable or not, because my mere physical form is valuable and attractive to people.
I feel like I'm only kept around because I'm a) a huge people pleaser and b) "smart" and funny.
In short, I'm good company and I pretty much transform myself to fit with whoever I'm with so that I can gain their affection. And I will go to any lenghts to do so.
However, the affection I receive is always conditional. It's not because of who I am. It's because of the way I act. I have to "earn it".
And I'm always left with this feeling that they're only with me temporarily until they find someone better.
I feel used, humiliated, ashamed and sad all the time.
Even if I spent millions in plastic surgery I could never achieve what so many girls my age were naturally blessed with. It sucks. I feel like I'm a spectator in life, that dreams of being seen as worthy, interesting, beautiful.. but ultimately could never be that way.
I try so hard to be pretty and I'm always left feeling humiliated when I'm in a full face of the makeup I studied to perfectly enhance my features, (shitty, thin, spaghetti-like) hair done and dyed, and a nice outfit and some girl who just rolled out of bed makes me look like an absolute village troll just by standing next to me.
I don't even feel like a real woman and I was born one.
My face is ugly. My body is mediocre. I have no curves, I look pre-pubescent and stuffy and un-graceful.
Falling in love for me means living in fear that a "real woman", a beautiful one, will come and snatch that person away from me. I feel like the placeholder for a woman, the next best thing...
