• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

R

romeinjuly

Member
Jul 6, 2023
25
I (20F) don't think I will ever be able to be happy as long as I exist in this body.
Each time I see a beautiful girl I only feel grief. Enormous grief for what I will never be able to experience.

Not having to worry about wether I'm valuable or not, because my mere physical form is valuable and attractive to people.
I feel like I'm only kept around because I'm a) a huge people pleaser and b) "smart" and funny.

In short, I'm good company and I pretty much transform myself to fit with whoever I'm with so that I can gain their affection. And I will go to any lenghts to do so.

However, the affection I receive is always conditional. It's not because of who I am. It's because of the way I act. I have to "earn it".

And I'm always left with this feeling that they're only with me temporarily until they find someone better.
I feel used, humiliated, ashamed and sad all the time.

Even if I spent millions in plastic surgery I could never achieve what so many girls my age were naturally blessed with. It sucks. I feel like I'm a spectator in life, that dreams of being seen as worthy, interesting, beautiful.. but ultimately could never be that way.

I try so hard to be pretty and I'm always left feeling humiliated when I'm in a full face of the makeup I studied to perfectly enhance my features, (shitty, thin, spaghetti-like) hair done and dyed, and a nice outfit and some girl who just rolled out of bed makes me look like an absolute village troll just by standing next to me.

I don't even feel like a real woman and I was born one.

My face is ugly. My body is mediocre. I have no curves, I look pre-pubescent and stuffy and un-graceful.

Falling in love for me means living in fear that a "real woman", a beautiful one, will come and snatch that person away from me. I feel like the placeholder for a woman, the next best thing...
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
Reactions: Username1359751, FERAL_FRENZY, lizzywizzy09 and 7 others
M

Meteora

Ignorance is bliss
Jun 27, 2023
2,001
I ve felt like that for all my life, too.
Guess it is an emotional problem, not a physical. But that doesn t make it easier at all. In fact, it complicates it.

In short, I'm good company and I pretty much transform myself to fit with whoever I'm with so that I can gain their affection. And I will go to any lenghts to do so.
I relate very much. Guess we never got loved for who we are as children or even worse, felt like a burden.

It s really sad and I gave up hoping things would change.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Myforevercharlie

Similar threads

monetpompo
Replies
8
Views
620
Suicide Discussion
Wolf Girl
Wolf Girl
SomewhatLoved
Replies
28
Views
1K
Suicide Discussion
Dot
Dot
cylus46
Replies
31
Views
1K
Suicide Discussion
Pluto
Pluto
monetpompo
Replies
18
Views
1K
Suicide Discussion
henryM4
henryM4