Hating myself for obsessing over a girl I don't know

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Posting this here instead of in the suicide subforum, because while I have a plan it's more of a case of "if my life doesn't improve by next year, I'm out". I'm also hoping to maybe get some advice if there is any, though I imagine this is going to just be me bitching the entire time. It's gonna be a long one too, apologies for this.

So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.

A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.

I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.

The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.

I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

 

[TheShadowQueen]

Are you diagnosed with anything?

 

[Beavisandbutthead]

Get to know her more. Try becoming her friend but don't push her. Also don't let her think you are desperate. It may or may not work but you will regret if you don't try

 

[Ethel]

limerence,this feels like limerence...I can't help much on that,but I do know there a lot of good folks out there that can give you solid advice in regarding to limerence (I think there was a reddit thread about limerence advice somewhere I saw years ago...sorry)

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Are you diagnosed with anything?

Besides the obvious depression, I'm also on the autism spectrum. I'm sure there are more labels that could apply to me, but I've been out of the mental health system for years at this point and I don't really want to go back.

limerence,this feels like limerence...I can't help much on that,but I do know there a lot of good folks out there that can give you solid advice in regarding to limerence (I think there was a reddit thread about limerence advice somewhere I saw years ago...sorry)

It's 100% limerence. I've had recurring problems with it over the years, and I've ruined my fair share of friendships because I couldn't keep my feelings in check.

I know that I'm falling for an idealized version of her that only exists in my head. I know that I'm projecting my desires and my fantasies onto that fake version of her. I know that she's her own person with her own needs and desires, and that I'm only hurting myself with these obsessive thoughts. And yet, here I am still doing it anyway.

I really wish I didn't have these kinds of feelings, or any kind of attraction at all to be honest.

 

[L9 CHOCOSYRUP]

ive been through this kind of limerence before and its a terrible thing to feel and not easy to deal with at all
my only words of advice are to keep getting the small talk in when you can, even if its hard, its your only shot for now
try asking for her number or socials so you can talk more since the lack of a chance to talk to her is an issue
this stuff is hard, especially when you take into account your feelings for her, but its your only chance of digging out of this stuff
best of luck to you

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like limerence is becoming the new ADHD... as in, it has become trendy to tell someone this is what they have, whether they do or not.

I'm not saying it isn't a thing that exists... but like ADHD people tend to get overdiagnosed.

I'd say that keys to limerence being real for you would have to include ONLY fantasizing about an idealized version of the person. So, if you find yourself being aware of their flaws and imperfections and you're just willing to overlook or accept them... that doesn't sound like limerence to me. When we love someone, we accept them as a whole person. We don't ignore their flaws but we accept them as part of who they are. So if you aren't fantasizing about total perfection and idealism and handwaving over imperfections... then its an unrequited love and not limerence.

People in society will latch onto a buzzword and it spreads like wildfire. And most of the "limerant" people are being self-diagnosed or labeled it by people without the qualifications to do so, like all the internet and youtube quacks who think they are credible because they post videos or have a blog. They are no different than the snake oil salesman of old or the street preacher who claims to know all the answers if only you listen to them and do as they say.

Of course professionals overdiagnose too. It's a real problem. It simultaneously undercuts treatment of people with the actual problem by undermining credibility of the diagnosis AND it harms people by diagnosing them incorrectly and not addressing their actual problem.

 

[Linda]

Posting this here instead of in the suicide subforum, because while I have a plan it's more of a case of "if my life doesn't improve by next year, I'm out". I'm also hoping to maybe get some advice if there is any, though I imagine this is going to just be me bitching the entire time. It's gonna be a long one too, apologies for this.

So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.

A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.

I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.

The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.

I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

Don't worry about it. We have all been there (though for me it was always boys, not girls). You are just being human.

Now, switch your emotions off, temporarily, and switch the logical part of your brain on. First, find an excuse to go and exchange a few words with her on some neutral subject. See how she reacts. If she likes you, you should be able to pick that up, and you can take it from there. If you don't sense anything positive, withdraw. You can then give her the occasional "hello" whenever your paths cross. (It's best if you include her name: "Hello Susan", or whatever.) After you have been doing that for a while, you will have to decide whether or not to take a risk and ask her for a date. If her reply makes it clear that she's not interested, then drop the topic. Don't harrass her. You can't win them all.

In parallel with all that, I suggest you get out somewhere people in your town go when they are looking for a partner. (That's how I met the man who is now my husband. We have been together for 42 years.) Th best antidote to an obsession with someone is finding someone else.

Incidentally, if you are a trans woman, you might find it easier to get a male partner. Or are you certain that you are only interest in women?

 

[iji]

goodluck w that

 

[deleted]

I've never met anyone who was obsessed with another person and had a happy ending. In your case, you don't even know the person—you're just basing your relationship on their looks. I did this a lot as a teenager and regretted it every time. My advice, from someone who's been there, is: never obsess over anyone, no matter how much you like them, because in the end, you end up putting them before yourself. And if, by chance, they leave you, what happens? Don't make that mistake. If you feel like it, talk to them and compliment their hair, without seeming intrusive. If they show interest, slowly move forward.

 

[TBONTB]

Posting this here instead of in the suicide subforum, because while I have a plan it's more of a case of "if my life doesn't improve by next year, I'm out". I'm also hoping to maybe get some advice if there is any, though I imagine this is going to just be me bitching the entire time. It's gonna be a long one too, apologies for this.

So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.

A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.

I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.

The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.

I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

Sounds tough. One thing i saw was the self-hate. Please don't hate yourself! This is stuff everyone does...get a crush, feel shy. No reason to hate yourself!!

If you can start with some self kindness, then you can move onto the crush. Just say hi again, a time or two. If she's polite but distant...drop it. If she likes the chats then keep it up and see where it goes. Either way, it doesn't reflect on you.

Take care.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Thanks everybody for replying, I think I've calmed down a bit. While we're still just on small talk terms, we know each other's names now and that's a win for me.

Part of the issue I'm having is we're both socially awkward, so while every conversation we've had was pleasant, it's really difficult to go beyond surface level stuff or keep the conversation moving in general. I don't think she's trying to pull away, she's usually the one to say hi if she's not absorbed in her work, but I'm still finding it difficult to make progress with her because of said awkwardness. I'm really hoping this is a comfort thing and that I just need to talk to her more and/or find the thing that'll get her to fully open up.

I'm trying to take things slow and just be friends with her first, but at the same time I feel like I'm misleading her by doing so because I have ulterior motives. My desired outcome from all this is that we end up being partners, and I don't want to ruin a friendship between us because of my feelings. I'll back off if she's not interested, but...I don't know. I haven't had a crush like this in years so I'm really going through it right now.

 

[TheShadowQueen]

Besides the obvious depression, I'm also on the autism spectrum. I'm sure there are more labels that could apply to me, but I've been out of the mental health system for years at this point and I don't really want to go back.


It's 100% limerence. I've had recurring problems with it over the years, and I've ruined my fair share of friendships because I couldn't keep my feelings in check.

I know that I'm falling for an idealized version of her that only exists in my head. I know that I'm projecting my desires and my fantasies onto that fake version of her. I know that she's her own person with her own needs and desires, and that I'm only hurting myself with these obsessive thoughts. And yet, here I am still doing it anyway.

I really wish I didn't have these kinds of feelings, or any kind of attraction at all to be honest.

All ima say is I thought I had limerence then it turned out to actually be BPD