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Chr0nicAnhedonic

Chr0nicAnhedonic

Out of the light of the sun
Oct 1, 2023
122
Posting this here instead of in the suicide subforum, because while I have a plan it's more of a case of "if my life doesn't improve by next year, I'm out". I'm also hoping to maybe get some advice if there is any, though I imagine this is going to just be me bitching the entire time. It's gonna be a long one too, apologies for this.

So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.

A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.

I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.

The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.

I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.
 
endlessmelancholy

endlessmelancholy

Student
Jun 12, 2024
139
Get to know her more. Try becoming her friend but don't push her. Also don't let her think you are desperate. It may or may not work but you will regret if you don't try
 
Ethel

Ethel

Hi,I was once here too
Sep 10, 2024
65
limerence,this feels like limerence...I can't help much on that,but I do know there a lot of good folks out there that can give you solid advice in regarding to limerence (I think there was a reddit thread about limerence advice somewhere I saw years ago...sorry)
 
Chr0nicAnhedonic

Chr0nicAnhedonic

Out of the light of the sun
Oct 1, 2023
122
Are you diagnosed with anything?
Besides the obvious depression, I'm also on the autism spectrum. I'm sure there are more labels that could apply to me, but I've been out of the mental health system for years at this point and I don't really want to go back.

limerence,this feels like limerence...I can't help much on that,but I do know there a lot of good folks out there that can give you solid advice in regarding to limerence (I think there was a reddit thread about limerence advice somewhere I saw years ago...sorry)
It's 100% limerence. I've had recurring problems with it over the years, and I've ruined my fair share of friendships because I couldn't keep my feelings in check.

I know that I'm falling for an idealized version of her that only exists in my head. I know that I'm projecting my desires and my fantasies onto that fake version of her. I know that she's her own person with her own needs and desires, and that I'm only hurting myself with these obsessive thoughts. And yet, here I am still doing it anyway.

I really wish I didn't have these kinds of feelings, or any kind of attraction at all to be honest.
 

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