Chr0nicAnhedonic
Out of the light of the sun
- Oct 1, 2023
- 122
Posting this here instead of in the suicide subforum, because while I have a plan it's more of a case of "if my life doesn't improve by next year, I'm out". I'm also hoping to maybe get some advice if there is any, though I imagine this is going to just be me bitching the entire time. It's gonna be a long one too, apologies for this.
So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.
A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.
I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.
The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.
I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.
I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
So, for context I work as a swing shift janitor in an office building. I start my shift around when the office workers are about to finish theirs (usually my floors are empty about 2 hours into my shift); I like the quiet and being able to just focus on my tasks without needing to socialize. Everyone I have talked to have generally been pleasant, though.
A week or so ago, a new girl started working on one of the floors I clean, and I almost immediately started crushing on her. She's exactly my type: blonde hair, glasses, soft-spoken, seems very driven and accomplished in her work. The big thing that caught my attention was that she has an Elder Scrolls tattoo on one of her arms, which I managed to have a small exchange with her about. Every interaction we've had has been nice, though I don't get to see or talk to her all that much due to the nature of our work and because I generally struggle socially. She doesn't even know my name yet, and I only know hers because of her nameplate.
I don't actually know her at all. I've barely spoken with her, and yet I am obsessed. I'm overanalyzing all of our interactions, trying to infer her personality from that and from the brief glances I'm making of her. I have no actual reason to think so, but she's perfect. She's taken up a lot of my thoughts, and I keep having to pull myself out of romantic fantasies with her.
The deck is stacked against me. I know this. For starters, I'm trans, and while I live in a progressive city where I see trans people every day, that doesn't mean she's into trans women. Especially not ones as disheveled as I am. As is common with women in office jobs, she likely already has a partner anyway. I don't know that I can settle for just being friends with her either, even though that'd be real cool. Even if I got exactly what I wanted with her...what then? The last relationship I had was 10 years ago, in high school. There's no way I can make it work, and I'd end up hurting both of us in the long run.
I know why I'm obsessing over her. It's a lethal combination of HRT making me way more attracted to women, plus my existing insecurities, lack of friends, and just a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation. I know all of this. Yet, knowing this isn't helping. I'm still succumbing to my emotions, and I hate that I'm going around in circles because of this. I hate this, and I hate myself because of it.
I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system to lean on, and therapy/meds hasn't been any help in the past. I don't want to just close myself off from meeting and potentially becoming friends with a really cool person, but at the same time I feel like that's my only choice. I don't know.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
