sleepytime5
Member
- Jul 13, 2026
- 28
So, on 31 July I posted here about my family wanting me dead, I was in psychosis, ofc they're all assholes and suck ass, but no they did in fact not want me dead or plan anything. I was in a manic episode after starting SSRI treatment, I was well aware but did not want to stop, eventually it went away on its own, went to my psychiatrist and received a bipolar 1 diagnosis.
Shortly after a crash started and I've been in a depressive episode for some time rn, at the beginning it was tolerable but it got torturous today, I was so lethargic and heavy, it felt as if existence itself was torture. Turns out it wasn't just depression and idiot me was also sick after, get this, eating too much sweets, childish ass mf
However I did think a lot about CTB, I always had it planned a week later, and every time it would get postponed, this time I didn't say a week later I said "tomorrow at 4 am fuck this shit"
My meds make me pretty much of an asshole, ever since I turned 18 I think the family curse of being a narcissist caught up to me, so I do not care a bit about the impact my suicide will have on people, there's a saying in my language "I pity you but when it comes to me my heart breaks" like literally fuck off and be more mature.
Today I read a bit around here and saw a lot of talk about quantum immortality, I wonder if it's possible to survive being drunk af and on 30 mg of Xanax mixed with Olanzapine and Abilify and Tianeptine and fucking everything atp as well as a 150 meter jump. Really curious how quantum immortality will clutch this. So I'm deciding that if I don't get adequate rest and if the lethargic fatigue doesn't stop, I'll ctb plain and simple, if quantum immortality exists then it should stop cause it's either that or certain death that can't be survived.
Ofc this isn't the only reason I wanna do it but it's one of many. Here they are
1- insomnia ( although this was what kick started SI, it kinda went away, I still have a haunting fear of it but it just doesn't really happen ig because of 2)
2 - crushing lethargic fatigue and cognitive impairment ( I genuinely can't, like I have periods of time where I just stop thinking completely, I remember yesterday I was driving and my adhd mind was humming a song, then it randomly confidently starts another song and I was convinced everything was alright until later realising what I actually did, sometimes I get so sleepy I start drooling and my head drops, I also enter dreams right away and sometimes dream while being awake which is really fucking scary cause I'll have life altering fake memories in which I think I have brothers or am someone else and realise randomly I am not)
3 - impatience and loneliness (honestly I could deal with 1 and 2 as long as I at least had some people to talk with, but uni ended and I am at home with my annoying family, I have no friends here and can't date anyone, I just stay all day in my room and go nuts)
4 - mental illnesses (OCD is fucking hell, Bipolar is humiliating and painful, ADHD is embarrassing, I just exist to do nothing but tweak and dopamine farm)
5 - zero hope ( I genuinely don't look into the future and see a solution to any of these except 3, the others are just stuff that's either gonna get worse or stay the same)
I'm probably in psychosis but I'm thinking, maybe the reason my life is so shit is because I accepted it, and the moment I get suicidal and actually find a good method the universe gets no choice but to give me what I want. I remember during that fight I had with my family my cousin said "it's all ur fault ur allowing this" I think it's the same now, it's my fault I am allowing life to get me like this, I'm sure if I say no it'll be no, I am not scared of death anymore, maybe that's the reason my life was so good after starting anti anxiety meds, I wasn't scared of suicide anymore
Well theories aside, I am serious about this, maybe it's the heaviness of the depression but I just can't find the will to live, not at all, even if everything goes right idk, I said it before my brain kinda developed smth against existence after seeing how easily it can be ruined. Regarding empathy, sure I don't feel bad for the impact it will have, but I am a bit frustrated, wish I could have gotten cancer instead and had that emotional death with everyone comforting me. At least there's you guys, and that's why I love this website
I am very cognitively impaired during the day, I can't even check this text for mistakes or random spots of nonsense, maybe I actually have a brain cancer, that would be something.
Shortly after a crash started and I've been in a depressive episode for some time rn, at the beginning it was tolerable but it got torturous today, I was so lethargic and heavy, it felt as if existence itself was torture. Turns out it wasn't just depression and idiot me was also sick after, get this, eating too much sweets, childish ass mf
However I did think a lot about CTB, I always had it planned a week later, and every time it would get postponed, this time I didn't say a week later I said "tomorrow at 4 am fuck this shit"
My meds make me pretty much of an asshole, ever since I turned 18 I think the family curse of being a narcissist caught up to me, so I do not care a bit about the impact my suicide will have on people, there's a saying in my language "I pity you but when it comes to me my heart breaks" like literally fuck off and be more mature.
Today I read a bit around here and saw a lot of talk about quantum immortality, I wonder if it's possible to survive being drunk af and on 30 mg of Xanax mixed with Olanzapine and Abilify and Tianeptine and fucking everything atp as well as a 150 meter jump. Really curious how quantum immortality will clutch this. So I'm deciding that if I don't get adequate rest and if the lethargic fatigue doesn't stop, I'll ctb plain and simple, if quantum immortality exists then it should stop cause it's either that or certain death that can't be survived.
Ofc this isn't the only reason I wanna do it but it's one of many. Here they are
1- insomnia ( although this was what kick started SI, it kinda went away, I still have a haunting fear of it but it just doesn't really happen ig because of 2)
2 - crushing lethargic fatigue and cognitive impairment ( I genuinely can't, like I have periods of time where I just stop thinking completely, I remember yesterday I was driving and my adhd mind was humming a song, then it randomly confidently starts another song and I was convinced everything was alright until later realising what I actually did, sometimes I get so sleepy I start drooling and my head drops, I also enter dreams right away and sometimes dream while being awake which is really fucking scary cause I'll have life altering fake memories in which I think I have brothers or am someone else and realise randomly I am not)
3 - impatience and loneliness (honestly I could deal with 1 and 2 as long as I at least had some people to talk with, but uni ended and I am at home with my annoying family, I have no friends here and can't date anyone, I just stay all day in my room and go nuts)
4 - mental illnesses (OCD is fucking hell, Bipolar is humiliating and painful, ADHD is embarrassing, I just exist to do nothing but tweak and dopamine farm)
5 - zero hope ( I genuinely don't look into the future and see a solution to any of these except 3, the others are just stuff that's either gonna get worse or stay the same)
I'm probably in psychosis but I'm thinking, maybe the reason my life is so shit is because I accepted it, and the moment I get suicidal and actually find a good method the universe gets no choice but to give me what I want. I remember during that fight I had with my family my cousin said "it's all ur fault ur allowing this" I think it's the same now, it's my fault I am allowing life to get me like this, I'm sure if I say no it'll be no, I am not scared of death anymore, maybe that's the reason my life was so good after starting anti anxiety meds, I wasn't scared of suicide anymore
Well theories aside, I am serious about this, maybe it's the heaviness of the depression but I just can't find the will to live, not at all, even if everything goes right idk, I said it before my brain kinda developed smth against existence after seeing how easily it can be ruined. Regarding empathy, sure I don't feel bad for the impact it will have, but I am a bit frustrated, wish I could have gotten cancer instead and had that emotional death with everyone comforting me. At least there's you guys, and that's why I love this website
I am very cognitively impaired during the day, I can't even check this text for mistakes or random spots of nonsense, maybe I actually have a brain cancer, that would be something.
