Venting Getting hit with a "DNR" because of mental health history

[ladidabi]

Title. I have for my whole life had problems with violence growing up. Getting beat up in school, and home by my parents for the absolute minuscule thing. Back when I was religious, spilling something on the table would trigger one of two reactions: I would either pray to God that I won't get hurt badly, or get up and run away and hide. Hiding didn't really work, as my parents removed keys to every door in the house, including bathrooms. As for prayer, I am not writing to critique religion, but prayer didn't really save me out of a beating. Bullying and violence at school weren't as severe. A punch, getting lift and thrown, vandalism of private stuff is clearly nowhere near whatever I would face at home since I can remember around 1st grade.

That and other issues with socialising, PCOS completely messing with my appearance growing up etc. really put a toll on my mental health too. At least for these examples mentioned here, the majority aren't a problem right now. I am managing my hormones, and since I turned 23 I can finally say that I feel like a woman, despite the fact that I am a biological woman. I'm also not really meeting or speaking to anyone besides my closest family and my current bf, so there is no room for messing up or making myself creepy with new people. There are no new people to begin with.

It's a completely different description than being for example called unattractive or stupid. Being weird or creepy implies that you are different, almost alien-like. Maybe it's the way I speak, the way I act and respond to certain situations. At the same time I get called childish, unserious and so on, for the fact that I become «silly» when I want comfort from something uncomfortable. I dumb myself down to make something less miserable to go through or listen to.

Like mentioned in the title, suddenly I'm being compared to a brutal, horrifying situation that really is completely unrelated to me. I am 24. Never had kids or raised them outside of a professional setting. Before my bf went to bed, he asked me if I heard about this mother who murdered her children. I had no idea what it was really about until as I'm writing this. Apparently it's about the case involving Lindsay Clancy, with claims that her actions were a consequence of postpartum psychosis. I haven't read much more, so forgive me if I am wrong.

Somehow he raised flags because of this case. Because of the fact that before we got together, I was in a year long episode where I believed my family was after me, and later on involved my manager at the time I worked at a restaurant. I think I have actually written about this during that time to vent, and I'm trying to not write a whole book in a post. That episode was triggered by an incident at home, and resulted in me moving out in a very chaotic way by moving boxes of clothes and stuff into class when I went to uni, before taking these boxes to an apartment. In this apartment my alcohol abuse worsened and ended up with a mix of voluntarily isolating and being heavily drugged by quetiapine where I could not physically function in any areas. It took months before the meds set in enough for me to just fuck myself over worse by drinking out at night.

Now because I told him about my mental health history years ago, he raised concerns that he can't have the mother of his children be a threat to their lives. Comparing me to Lindsay.

I grew up being told that I will be hung, thrown off the balcony, choked to death, get decapitated. Maybe I am arrogant, but I think growing up being reminded this by parents who you are expected to trust will fuck you up and create fear. Besides this shit, it took mid-episode for my parents to reach out and address their disgusting behaviour, and even then, I was sceptical, but eventually decided to open up a bit.

I have not killed anyone! The only times I have been physical has been in defence when being attacked. I have since I was 18 been in and out of different fields to gain experience working with children from ages 2 to 17, and young adults. That's why I got a degree in social work. If anything, the only person I wanted to hurt, and did hurt, was myself during this time, and have to bear the scars to this day. Even before my mental health issues started to show, I grew up being called scary. Even though my bf didn't use the word «scary», that is what he is implying. No one wants a mother to be scary for their husband and children. I would have strangers calling me scary because I either didn't want to interact with them, so communication was minimal, or I give off a certain "vibe" that seems cold and hostile.

I'm heartbroken. Maybe I am not meant to have a family. I am not in the space to consider starting a family right now due to unrelated health stuff and needing more stability financially, but this hit really bad in my chest.

It's not being called ugly
It's not being called smelly
It's not being called dumb

It's being called a threat to your potential children.

I can't stop crying. I feel I can't escape it, and I wonder If I actually just am a threat, and a scary person. It's just me writing down another reason as to why I just need to end it all. I feel whatever happened in the past was deserved. If I was normal, maybe nothing that I went through would have happened to me? Even if I never end up having children for whatever reason, why should a person who is perceived as a danger walk around? All because I decided to be open about my issues to create transparency.

 

[kittypsst]

I pray he's your age max, and the dumb sort themselves out with this fad, this isn't normal behavior from a partner: shittesting with the scandal du jour, refusing even basic empathy, putting you down on the same level of a violent criminal.

Tell HIM this isn't safe for you either, a man that cannot tell apart a killer from an actively abused woman deserves no pussy at all. If he complains (and he will), tell him you're totally protecting him from the magical future murderous pussy. Like no dawg, can't have your attention and open legs in exchange of dismissal. Word by word what these guys live by, change your sex with their wallet as the valuable token.

Easy method to learn who's on your side and who can't get nuance and wishes to bash all women out there, they will always find fault at your life.

Congrats on handling PCOS, it takes years of suffering to get proper treatment and pin it down.

Congrats in helping the youth and keep advocating for yourself.

 

[fadedghost]

Is he saying this hypothetically or casually thinking out loud or does he mean it?

It's strange because it used to be that men really wanted sex, and women wouldn't have sex until marriage, and once that happened so did children usually.

And now because of birth control, men and women usually have sex before marriage and choose to have children.

I think a lot of this depends on how attractive you are after treating PCOS. If you were always not pretty looking because of PSOS and traumatized and have mental health issues, but now you're actually pretty hot, then just remember, at 24, you are at the peak of female attractiveness and fertility and if you naturally look good, you shouldn't have a problem finding a new guy.

But if this guy is saying that, he could easily intend to string you along until you're 27 or 28 and then break up with you. It's harder to date when you are closer to 30 and much harder after 30 if you are looking to get married and have a family.

You could just be direct and say he either needs to marry you or break up with you now since at 24 you can easily find a new boyfriend and you're concerned he's just going to use you for sex until he finds a woman he views as more stable.

You could also ask him to go to a couple's counseling session to discuss the issue with him, but he might say no.

Was this just casual conversation?

I think if I were a woman in my 20s and attractive and wanted to have kids, I would set a 2 year limit on dating. Like you either marry me within 2 years, or I find someone else. 2 years is a huge amount of time to devote to someone in your 20s if they may not commit. How long have you dated?

Also, you're posting this in the context of SaSu, so maybe he's picking up that you are sad? He's not being that irrational to worry about your ability to raise kids in a stable way if you are on SaSu. Do you have depression under control without medication? And I ask that because medications and preganncy may interact, I don't know. Should you be having children if you are this depressed? I think it's reasonable to consider these things and possibly get professional help if you can afford it or insurance covers it.

Also, if you are well enough to go jogging, nothing helps mild depression quite like jogging, sunlight, and an anti-inflammatory diet.

 

[ladidabi]

Is he saying this hypothetically or casually thinking out loud or does he mean it?

It's strange because it used to be that men really wanted sex, and women wouldn't have sex until marriage, and once that happened so did children usually.

And now because of birth control, men and women usually have sex before marriage and choose to have children.

I think a lot of this depends on how attractive you are after treating PCOS. If you were always not pretty looking because of PSOS and traumatized and have mental health issues, but now you're actually pretty hot, then just remember, at 24, you are at the peak of female attractiveness and fertility and if you naturally look good, you shouldn't have a problem finding a new guy.

But if this guy is saying that, he could easily intend to string you along until you're 27 or 28 and then break up with you. It's harder to date when you are closer to 30 and much harder after 30 if you are looking to get married and have a family.

You could just be direct and say he either needs to marry you or break up with you now since at 24 you can easily find a new boyfriend and you're concerned he's just going to use you for sex until he finds a woman he views as more stable.

You could also ask him to go to a couple's counseling session to discuss the issue with him, but he might say no.

Was this just casual conversation?

I think if I were a woman in my 20s and attractive and wanted to have kids, I would set a 2 year limit on dating. Like you either marry me within 2 years, or I find someone else. 2 years is a huge amount of time to devote to someone in your 20s if they may not commit. How long have you dated?

Also, you're posting this in the context of SaSu, so maybe he's picking up that you are sad? He's not being that irrational to worry about your ability to raise kids in a stable way if you are on SaSu. Do you have depression under control without medication? And I ask that because medications and preganncy may interact, I don't know. Should you be having children if you are this depressed? I think it's reasonable to consider these things and possibly get professional help if you can afford it or insurance covers it.

Also, if you are well enough to go jogging, nothing helps mild depression quite like jogging, sunlight, and an anti-inflammatory diet.

Thanks for the informative answer <3
I was told growing up that I am ugly.

I was never really called pretty as a teenager, and I did feel ugly. Before getting everything treated I had severe acne caused by inflammation. It would often get infected. I had the whole list of symptoms of PCOS pre-IUD, I was always eating and gained a lot of weight, unwanted hair *everywhere*, like full blown beard at the age of 13. I had to shave everywhere 1-2 times a day. I had minimal period cycles. When I hit 20-21 I started balding due to hormonal imbalance worsening. I was told I may not be fertile even, but it's not really checked in anyway besides a warning from having PCOS.

I developed an ED around the time I made this account, and funnily enough made me drop from a BMI in the mid 30s to now being clinically underweight. Strangely enough my PCOS symptoms almost vanished paired with birth control, and spending maybe too much on laser hair removal that I'm still going with and other cosmetic treatments to keep my skin intact. I have to admit PCOS is one of the reasons why I have pretty bad depression, even though I look nothing like I did only couple of years ago. I no longer have hair on me except for my head. I started growing the hair on my scalp back last year and it's significantly better.

We have been together for a little over 3 years. Since I made the post he came to me and told me he feels like shit for saying that stuff to me and comparing me to a literal murderer. But that shit sticks, because it hit deep. I have a soft spot for children, although never been pregnant or had any children. That's why I got a degree in social work and specialise with children. The only person I have hurt is myself. I have stabbed myself, cut myself, but I would never hurt another being. Not even a small ant.

I'm not sure if I want kids, but I have been set on not having even considering until I eventually can be sure I am financially stable, and can be sure that I am mentally in place. If that won't happen, I am accepting the fact that I won't try. The last thing I want is for my misery to spread like a disease on my children. At the time I spent actively working with children and teens, it has been genuinely enjoyable and rewarding for me. The difference is that a job is a different kind of setting. I don't want to have a child if it means introducing them to the suffering in the world.

Something that really hurts is going from one relationship to another. He is my second boyfriend. I had to break up with my last one due to quite extreme circumstances for me (story for another time maybe). I hate the thought of going in circles. It feels very wrong to me. I just want predictability.

He knows I struggle mentally. He met me at my lowest. My ED was at my worst in terms of intake, abusing alcohol, excessive spending, paranoia etc. I have done attempts in his place as an impulsive thing after he did something that really hurt me badly. I have been on multiple medications, but it won't really help me. Had to taper everything due to neurological problems and recent brain bleed, except starting Quetiapine again just to get some deep sleep now. I promise I'm doing my best, I've been off from cutting myself since April, and haven't had any alcohol except for very light intake every few months. Financially for my age I'm doing well even for being set up on benefits until I can get back to working.

I have been in and out therapy for years, and in between I have my GP trying to help me with the practicality of things and just speaking my mind. I live in a country where I get free mental health care, but I don't believe therapy or counselling helps, and neither does he. If I suggest it, it will sound strange to him because I am very stubborn with what I feel about things.

I am moderately active lately, but it's mainly due to my ED. I like to walk, sometimes if I have energy I do high intensity training or dancing. To keep me sane the only thing helping has been long term fasting, because it shuts down my head to not care about the small things. I am a very anxious person.

This is getting very long and maybe I'm going out of topic, but I am losing motivation in going to the traditional life of having a family, job and whatnot. AI is freaking me out because it's too advanced and the world is going too fast for humans to properly adapt. Not to mention living in this country where hookup culture is the norm. I could never get myself to sleep with anyone without feeling like it is a relationship, not just casual dating, or ever get myself into dating apps. I'm not religious, but I want I can't wrap my head around this normalisation. It doesn't feel safe, and speaking to other women, it doesn't sound safe.

 

[fadedghost]

Thanks for the informative answer <3
I was told growing up that I am ugly.

I was never really called pretty as a teenager, and I did feel ugly. Before getting everything treated I had severe acne caused by inflammation. It would often get infected. I had the whole list of symptoms of PCOS pre-IUD, I was always eating and gained a lot of weight, unwanted hair *everywhere*, like full blown beard at the age of 13. I had to shave everywhere 1-2 times a day. I had minimal period cycles. When I hit 20-21 I started balding due to hormonal imbalance worsening. I was told I may not be fertile even, but it's not really checked in anyway besides a warning from having PCOS.

I developed an ED around the time I made this account, and funnily enough made me drop from a BMI in the mid 30s to now being clinically underweight. Strangely enough my PCOS symptoms almost vanished paired with birth control, and spending maybe too much on laser hair removal that I'm still going with and other cosmetic treatments to keep my skin intact. I have to admit PCOS is one of the reasons why I have pretty bad depression, even though I look nothing like I did only couple of years ago. I no longer have hair on me except for my head. I started growing the hair on my scalp back last year and it's significantly better.

We have been together for a little over 3 years. Since I made the post he came to me and told me he feels like shit for saying that stuff to me and comparing me to a literal murderer. But that shit sticks, because it hit deep. I have a soft spot for children, although never been pregnant or had any children. That's why I got a degree in social work and specialise with children. The only person I have hurt is myself. I have stabbed myself, cut myself, but I would never hurt another being. Not even a small ant.

I'm not sure if I want kids, but I have been set on not having even considering until I eventually can be sure I am financially stable, and can be sure that I am mentally in place. If that won't happen, I am accepting the fact that I won't try. The last thing I want is for my misery to spread like a disease on my children. At the time I spent actively working with children and teens, it has been genuinely enjoyable and rewarding for me. The difference is that a job is a different kind of setting. I don't want to have a child if it means introducing them to the suffering in the world.

Something that really hurts is going from one relationship to another. He is my second boyfriend. I had to break up with my last one due to quite extreme circumstances for me (story for another time maybe). I hate the thought of going in circles. It feels very wrong to me. I just want predictability.

He knows I struggle mentally. He met me at my lowest. My ED was at my worst in terms of intake, abusing alcohol, excessive spending, paranoia etc. I have done attempts in his place as an impulsive thing after he did something that really hurt me badly. I have been on multiple medications, but it won't really help me. Had to taper everything due to neurological problems and recent brain bleed, except starting Quetiapine again just to get some deep sleep now. I promise I'm doing my best, I've been off from cutting myself since April, and haven't had any alcohol except for very light intake every few months. Financially for my age I'm doing well even for being set up on benefits until I can get back to working.

I have been in and out therapy for years, and in between I have my GP trying to help me with the practicality of things and just speaking my mind. I live in a country where I get free mental health care, but I don't believe therapy or counselling helps, and neither does he. If I suggest it, it will sound strange to him because I am very stubborn with what I feel about things.

I am moderately active lately, but it's mainly due to my ED. I like to walk, sometimes if I have energy I do high intensity training or dancing. To keep me sane the only thing helping has been long term fasting, because it shuts down my head to not care about the small things. I am a very anxious person.

This is getting very long and maybe I'm going out of topic, but I am losing motivation in going to the traditional life of having a family, job and whatnot. AI is freaking me out because it's too advanced and the world is going too fast for humans to properly adapt. Not to mention living in this country where hookup culture is the norm. I could never get myself to sleep with anyone without feeling like it is a relationship, not just casual dating, or ever get myself into dating apps. I'm not religious, but I want I can't wrap my head around this normalisation. It doesn't feel safe, and speaking to other women, it doesn't sound safe.

Hmm... okay.

Well, if he apologized, everyone makes mistakes I guess, right?

Regarding waiting until financially stable to have kids. I think it's a mistake young people tend to make. Having kids later in life after financial stability is more likely to result in kids with genetic damage. It's just how it is. So if you want your kids to suffer less, having them when you are younger helps ensure they are more likely to be healthy.

Does he want to have children? It sounds like he does if he's worried that you'll kill them.

Hope things improve for you and go well.

 

[ladidabi]

Hmm... okay.

Well, if he apologized, everyone makes mistakes I guess, right?

Regarding waiting until financially stable to have kids. I think it's a mistake young people tend to make. Having kids later in life after financial stability is more likely to result in kids with genetic damage. It's just how it is. So if you want your kids to suffer less, having them when you are younger helps ensure they are more likely to be healthy.

Does he want to have children? It sounds like he does if he's worried that you'll kill them.

Hope things improve for you and go well.

Good point regarding waiting. Now that you mention it, in that sense it is already a risk considering he is past the age that would be optimal. I guess I'm not ready, but that's not my issue right now... I wrote the post because I've been thrown a bunch of insults growing up, been perceived as evil and scary, and ugly is like the sprinkles. I guess besides my "dark look", my behavior maybe is a bit off.. I'm often speaking adequately, making me slow, and perceived as cold. Thinking about it later, I think hearing that growing up and even in adulthood, the extreme comparison to a criminal was like cherry on top of it all. Hearing such things fills my head thinking that maybe I'm not actually an OK person if my presence make people uncomfortable, even in relationships...

Thank you for your kind words and help