ladidabi
Losing all hope is freedom.
- Mar 19, 2023
- 130
Title. I have for my whole life had problems with violence growing up. Getting beat up in school, and home by my parents for the absolute minuscule thing. Back when I was religious, spilling something on the table would trigger one of two reactions: I would either pray to God that I won't get hurt badly, or get up and run away and hide. Hiding didn't really work, as my parents removed keys to every door in the house, including bathrooms. As for prayer, I am not writing to critique religion, but prayer didn't really save me out of a beating. Bullying and violence at school weren't as severe. A punch, getting lift and thrown, vandalism of private stuff is clearly nowhere near whatever I would face at home since I can remember around 1st grade.
That and other issues with socialising, PCOS completely messing with my appearance growing up etc. really put a toll on my mental health too. At least for these examples mentioned here, the majority aren't a problem right now. I am managing my hormones, and since I turned 23 I can finally say that I feel like a woman, despite the fact that I am a biological woman. I'm also not really meeting or speaking to anyone besides my closest family and my current bf, so there is no room for messing up or making myself creepy with new people. There are no new people to begin with.
It's a completely different description than being for example called unattractive or stupid. Being weird or creepy implies that you are different, almost alien-like. Maybe it's the way I speak, the way I act and respond to certain situations. At the same time I get called childish, unserious and so on, for the fact that I become «silly» when I want comfort from something uncomfortable. I dumb myself down to make something less miserable to go through or listen to.
Like mentioned in the title, suddenly I'm being compared to a brutal, horrifying situation that really is completely unrelated to me. I am 24. Never had kids or raised them outside of a professional setting. Before my bf went to bed, he asked me if I heard about this mother who murdered her children. I had no idea what it was really about until as I'm writing this. Apparently it's about the case involving Lindsay Clancy, with claims that her actions were a consequence of postpartum psychosis. I haven't read much more, so forgive me if I am wrong.
Somehow he raised flags because of this case. Because of the fact that before we got together, I was in a year long episode where I believed my family was after me, and later on involved my manager at the time I worked at a restaurant. I think I have actually written about this during that time to vent, and I'm trying to not write a whole book in a post. That episode was triggered by an incident at home, and resulted in me moving out in a very chaotic way by moving boxes of clothes and stuff into class when I went to uni, before taking these boxes to an apartment. In this apartment my alcohol abuse worsened and ended up with a mix of voluntarily isolating and being heavily drugged by quetiapine where I could not physically function in any areas. It took months before the meds set in enough for me to just fuck myself over worse by drinking out at night.
Now because I told him about my mental health history years ago, he raised concerns that he can't have the mother of his children be a threat to their lives. Comparing me to Lindsay.
I grew up being told that I will be hung, thrown off the balcony, choked to death, get decapitated. Maybe I am arrogant, but I think growing up being reminded this by parents who you are expected to trust will fuck you up and create fear. Besides this shit, it took mid-episode for my parents to reach out and address their disgusting behaviour, and even then, I was sceptical, but eventually decided to open up a bit.
I have not killed anyone! The only times I have been physical has been in defence when being attacked. I have since I was 18 been in and out of different fields to gain experience working with children from ages 2 to 17, and young adults. That's why I got a degree in social work. If anything, the only person I wanted to hurt, and did hurt, was myself during this time, and have to bear the scars to this day. Even before my mental health issues started to show, I grew up being called scary. Even though my bf didn't use the word «scary», that is what he is implying. No one wants a mother to be scary for their husband and children. I would have strangers calling me scary because I either didn't want to interact with them, so communication was minimal, or I give off a certain "vibe" that seems cold and hostile.
I'm heartbroken. Maybe I am not meant to have a family. I am not in the space to consider starting a family right now due to unrelated health stuff and needing more stability financially, but this hit really bad in my chest.
It's not being called ugly
It's not being called smelly
It's not being called dumb
It's being called a threat to your potential children.
I can't stop crying. I feel I can't escape it, and I wonder If I actually just am a threat, and a scary person. It's just me writing down another reason as to why I just need to end it all. I feel whatever happened in the past was deserved. If I was normal, maybe nothing that I went through would have happened to me? Even if I never end up having children for whatever reason, why should a person who is perceived as a danger walk around? All because I decided to be open about my issues to create transparency.
That and other issues with socialising, PCOS completely messing with my appearance growing up etc. really put a toll on my mental health too. At least for these examples mentioned here, the majority aren't a problem right now. I am managing my hormones, and since I turned 23 I can finally say that I feel like a woman, despite the fact that I am a biological woman. I'm also not really meeting or speaking to anyone besides my closest family and my current bf, so there is no room for messing up or making myself creepy with new people. There are no new people to begin with.
It's a completely different description than being for example called unattractive or stupid. Being weird or creepy implies that you are different, almost alien-like. Maybe it's the way I speak, the way I act and respond to certain situations. At the same time I get called childish, unserious and so on, for the fact that I become «silly» when I want comfort from something uncomfortable. I dumb myself down to make something less miserable to go through or listen to.
Like mentioned in the title, suddenly I'm being compared to a brutal, horrifying situation that really is completely unrelated to me. I am 24. Never had kids or raised them outside of a professional setting. Before my bf went to bed, he asked me if I heard about this mother who murdered her children. I had no idea what it was really about until as I'm writing this. Apparently it's about the case involving Lindsay Clancy, with claims that her actions were a consequence of postpartum psychosis. I haven't read much more, so forgive me if I am wrong.
Somehow he raised flags because of this case. Because of the fact that before we got together, I was in a year long episode where I believed my family was after me, and later on involved my manager at the time I worked at a restaurant. I think I have actually written about this during that time to vent, and I'm trying to not write a whole book in a post. That episode was triggered by an incident at home, and resulted in me moving out in a very chaotic way by moving boxes of clothes and stuff into class when I went to uni, before taking these boxes to an apartment. In this apartment my alcohol abuse worsened and ended up with a mix of voluntarily isolating and being heavily drugged by quetiapine where I could not physically function in any areas. It took months before the meds set in enough for me to just fuck myself over worse by drinking out at night.
Now because I told him about my mental health history years ago, he raised concerns that he can't have the mother of his children be a threat to their lives. Comparing me to Lindsay.
I grew up being told that I will be hung, thrown off the balcony, choked to death, get decapitated. Maybe I am arrogant, but I think growing up being reminded this by parents who you are expected to trust will fuck you up and create fear. Besides this shit, it took mid-episode for my parents to reach out and address their disgusting behaviour, and even then, I was sceptical, but eventually decided to open up a bit.
I have not killed anyone! The only times I have been physical has been in defence when being attacked. I have since I was 18 been in and out of different fields to gain experience working with children from ages 2 to 17, and young adults. That's why I got a degree in social work. If anything, the only person I wanted to hurt, and did hurt, was myself during this time, and have to bear the scars to this day. Even before my mental health issues started to show, I grew up being called scary. Even though my bf didn't use the word «scary», that is what he is implying. No one wants a mother to be scary for their husband and children. I would have strangers calling me scary because I either didn't want to interact with them, so communication was minimal, or I give off a certain "vibe" that seems cold and hostile.
I'm heartbroken. Maybe I am not meant to have a family. I am not in the space to consider starting a family right now due to unrelated health stuff and needing more stability financially, but this hit really bad in my chest.
It's not being called ugly
It's not being called smelly
It's not being called dumb
It's being called a threat to your potential children.
I can't stop crying. I feel I can't escape it, and I wonder If I actually just am a threat, and a scary person. It's just me writing down another reason as to why I just need to end it all. I feel whatever happened in the past was deserved. If I was normal, maybe nothing that I went through would have happened to me? Even if I never end up having children for whatever reason, why should a person who is perceived as a danger walk around? All because I decided to be open about my issues to create transparency.
