Discussion On the fence about CTB

[lifeishard123]

Hey everyone,

First time poster here. Like my title says, I feel like I honestly dont really have a will to keep going, Ive been really losing motivation to do anything basically. I feel like theres nothing for me to look forward to and I just wanna die already. I got to bed hoping I just don't wake up sometimes, and actually pray in my head for an aneurysm while I sleep lol. But at the same time I just cant really get myself to commit to it. Sometimes I feel like life is worth living, most other times I feel like I have no future/purpose, and rarely I feel like life is unbearable.

I feel like Im overall on the fence about CTB, and cant commit to it yet. Not sure what is stopping me tbh, I feel like my family/friends will be genuinely fine without me so it's not like I have that holding me back. I think most of it is fear, like whenever I try to CTB I get so scared I can't follow through.

Anyone have thoughts/advice on this? Is there a way to overcome this fear? Should I just keep living even though this sucks most of the time?

Not sure what to do tbh.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! Well, none of us here can tell u what you should do. It's your personal decision in any case. What makes you suicidal? Did u try therapy/meds? R there external circumstances triggering this? You only have to answer this for yourself and there can be many more questions asked. Living is hard dying is even harder but the younger u r the "easier" a breakout can be - if you get and have access to the right support from your parents and environment while in the same time CTB is always an option if everything fails.

 

[Linda]

If you are not sure whether you are ready to ctb, then you are not ready to ctb.
Could you tell us a little more about yourself? It's hard to give you a useful reply when I know so little about you.

 

[lifeishard123]

Welcome to the forum! Well, none of us here can tell u what you should do. It's your personal decision in any case. What makes you suicidal? Did u try therapy/meds? R there external circumstances triggering this? You only have to answer this for yourself and there can be many more questions asked. Living is hard dying is even harder but the younger u r the "easier" a breakout can be - if you get and have access to the right support from your parents and environment while in the same time CTB is always an option if everything fails.

Thanks for the warm welcome! Hmmm honestly I guess it just feels like living and staying alive is so hard right now, I hate my job but at the same time I need to work to survive so I feel like I want to just die already lol

I've tried therapy and I take anti-anxiety meds but I didnt really talk about suicide in therapy bc I didnt wanna get reported lol

Yea CTB as an option is honestly comforting in a way. Like if all else fails I can just CTB haha but whenever I try I always chicken out.

Do other people have this fear too?? I feel like humans are biologically wired to survive or something, because I always feel this fear kick in before I do anything everytime I try to CTB. Its like instinctive or somethig

I wish I could ask someone who successfully CTB how they overcame this but thats not possible lol

 

[Linda]

Thanks for the warm welcome! Hmmm honestly I guess it just feels like living and staying alive is so hard right now, I hate my job but at the same time I need to work to survive so I feel like I want to just die already lol

I've tried therapy and I take anti-anxiety meds but I didnt really talk about suicide in therapy bc I didnt wanna get reported lol

Yea CTB as an option is honestly comforting in a way. Like if all else fails I can just CTB haha but whenever I try I always chicken out.

Do other people have this fear too?? I feel like humans are biologically wired to survive or something, because I always feel this fear kick in before I do anything everytime I try to CTB. Its like instinctive or somethig

I wish I could ask someone who successfully CTB how they overcame this but thats not possible lol

You could consider using a method where the survival instinct has less chance to kick in. When my own time comes, I will head off into the wilderness, in a remote area, in cold weather, and fade away from hypothermia. Heading out will be just like hundreds of other trips I have taken. But without food, and without heavy clothing, by the time I realise that my strength is fading I will be too far out to be able to return even if I wanted to return.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thanks for the warm welcome! Hmmm honestly I guess it just feels like living and staying alive is so hard right now, I hate my job but at the same time I need to work to survive so I feel like I want to CTB already lol

You'll find a lot of folks here who despise working, just to be kept alive and to make others richer (me included).

Unfortunately we humans can endure so much more pain, suffering and agony before we're really able to press the "exit button".

 

[AkaRed]

Welcome to the forum! I hope this can become a safe space for you to vent your troubles. No judgement here, my friend.

As for CTB- it's completely normal if you're on the fence about going through with it. If these are like, semi-new thoughts of yours (as in first times properly considering CTB as an option to begin with), it can take some time adjusting to and really comprehending what you're considering.

I feel it's probably worth giving it some time and thought, because being on the fence is a very likely indicator that it might not be the right step. Or the right time.
If I were to choose, you wouldn't feel this way at all of course, but I'm just trying to speak from a more objective and straightforward lens, ya know?
I don't know if it'd be particularly helpful to you if I just told you you're wrong or something, or tried to convince you out of your thoughts. Being on this forum, and just knowing depression in general, that's not how it works.

If you do still have days where you feel okay, and that life is potentially worth living- it may be a good option for you to consider some form of recovery. Whatever works for you. Wherever and whenever you still have hope, please do not let go of it. Hope is so, so precious.

<3

 

[lifeishard123]

If you are not sure whether you are ready to ctb, then you are not ready to ctb.
Could you tell us a little more about yourself? It's hard to give you a useful reply when I know so little about you.

Hmmmm yea I get what you mean. Im a pretty anxious person so I take anti anxiety meds, right now I work a pretty shit job that I hate and takes up a lot of my time.

I've felt like I wanted to CTB since I was young, like middle school/high school ish?? Its like most days I just kind of meander through life, like just taking it day by day. I don't have any long term goals or anything and just overall feel like I have no future. I've tried cutting myself, swallowing pills, and looking online for a partner but I get so scared that I stop before making any concrete actions. Closest I've come is to almost swallowing a bunch of pills but I got scared and I realized pills might not even kill me and I'd have to pay a shit ton in hospital bills lol

I tend to do pretty reckless stuff, I know its bad but I used to like drive drunk once a week but I stopped cuz I havent rlly been drinking recently, also killing another person would be fucked up but I guess it was like I was hoping Id get into a car crash and die lol

Typically when Im drunk I feel like I wanna CRB too, like I think about just jumping off a building or something but I just put my leg over the fence but dont actually do anything beyond that

Its like this innate fear of death or something? I just cant bring myself to do it but at the same time I do dangerous things hoping something else will

You could consider using a method where the survival instinct has less chance to kick in. When my own time comes, I will head off into the wilderness, in a remote area, in cold weather, and fade away from hypothermia. Heading out will be just like hundreds of other trips I have taken. But without food, and without heavy clothing, by the time I realise that my strength is fading I will be too far out to be able to return even if I wanted to return.

I think you are much stronger than I am LOL I feel pretty scared of pain, when I tried to cut myself I couldnt even do it because it hurt haha

I would most prefer to peacefully in my sleep at a random time, ideally after a bad day too so I know I wouldn't have deal with this anymore. Should I hire a hitman or something on myself lol

 

[Linda]

Do you have a partner? Most people find that makes a big dfference to life?

 

[lifeishard123]

Welcome to the forum! I hope this can become a safe space for you to vent your troubles. No judgement here, my friend.

As for CTB- it's completely normal if you're on the fence about going through with it. If these are like, semi-new thoughts of yours (as in first times properly considering CTB as an option to begin with), it can take some time adjusting to and really comprehending what you're considering.

I feel it's probably worth giving it some time and thought, because being on the fence is a very likely indicator that it might not be the right step. Or the right time.
If I were to choose, you wouldn't feel this way at all of course, but I'm just trying to speak from a more objective and straightforward lens, ya know?
I don't know if it'd be particularly helpful to you if I just told you you're wrong or something, or tried to convince you out of your thoughts. Being on this forum, and just knowing depression in general, that's not how it works.

If you do still have days where you feel okay, and that life is potentially worth living- it may be a good option for you to consider some form of recovery. Whatever works for you. Wherever and whenever you still have hope, please do not let go of it. Hope is so, so precious.

<3

Thank you for the warm welcome! :)

Yea I get what you mean, it's like no one knows whats going on in my head except for me. I've been thinking on and off about CTB for like approx 10ish or so years now? But everytime I talked about it, Id just get the same advice of "dont do it" and a reaction of upset/concern. I didnt wanna hear the same advice being regurgitated and then being treated like Im a glass doll that might just shatter at any moment, so I stopped talking about it

I didnt talk about it that much for a while until I found this site. Im looking for thoughts/advice for my situation/feelings beyond just "dont do it", and this site seemed perfect for that

Do you have a partner? Most people find that makes a big dfference to life?

I do have a romantic partner, but I am not too concerned tbh lol

Not in a way of like I dont care about them or anything, Im just confident that theyll be able to move on and find someone new (and hopefully more mentally stable)

 

[AkaRed]

Thank you for the warm welcome! :)

Yea I get what you mean, it's like no one knows whats going on in my head except for me. I've been thinking on and off about CTB for like approx 10ish or so years now? But everytime I talked about it, Id just get the same advice of "dont do it" and a reaction of upset/concern. I didnt wanna hear the same advice being regurgitated and then being treated like Im a glass doll that might just shatter at any moment, so I stopped talking about it

I didnt talk about it that much for a while until I found this site. Im looking for thoughts/advice for my situation/feelings beyond just "dont do it", and this site seemed perfect for that

You've come to the right place if you do want a differing opinion. This site is very pro-choice in regards to CTB, and advocates that individuals have a right to their own lives. A sentiment in which I agree with very strongly.

Ultimately I just hope you make the right decision for yourself. I still think it's worth giving a bit more time, but if you do need resources, you can check out the pinned threads if you're curious. ^^ You'll always have support here.

<3

 

[iloverachel]

Welcome to the forum. I can definitely relate. Have you tried exhausting all options in trying to improve the way you feel?

I am sorry you have suffered for nearly 10 years, thats horrible.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do

 

[lifeishard123]

Thanks for all the advice and warm welcome everyone.

I just wonder if anyone feels the same way? Like Ive tried to CTB multiple times but each time Ive felt too scared to do so

I feel like Im ready to CTB but at the same time I just can't do it. Ultimately I get too scared. I'm not even sure why, I don't even know what's stopping me myself. I wish I could just understand why I even get scared, its not like when I get scared its for a particular reason or anything. I dont really think like "oh what about my friends and family" or something. I just feel fear and I'm not sure why

Welcome to the forum. I can definitely relate. Have you tried exhausting all options in trying to improve the way you feel?

I am sorry you have suffered for nearly 10 years, thats horrible.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do

Thanks for the warm welcome! It's comforting to find someone who can relate.

How long have you felt this way?

I haven't taken meds for depression or anything, but I don't like medication personally so I just dont do it. Maybe thats my fault haha

Do you have a plan to CTB yourself? Or are you just going through life the same way I am?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I feel like Im ready to CTB but at the same time I just can't do it. Ultimately I get too scared. I'm not even sure why, I don't even know what's stopping me myself. I wish I could just understand why I even get scared, its not like when I get scared its for a particular reason or anything. I dont really think like "oh what about my friends and family" or something. I just feel fear and I'm not sure why

It's SI!

It's so hard and difficult to defeat SI in the end. We humans can endure so much more pain, suffering and agony even if CTB is the most logic decision for us to prevent us from even more pain and suffering. Imo it can only work if someone is in total desperation and hopelessness.

 

[iloverachel]

Thanks for all the advice and warm welcome everyone.

I just wonder if anyone feels the same way? Like Ive tried to CTB multiple times but each time Ive felt too scared to do so

I feel like Im ready to CTB but at the same time I just can't do it. Ultimately I get too scared. I'm not even sure why, I don't even know what's stopping me myself. I wish I could just understand why I even get scared, its not like when I get scared its for a particular reason or anything. I dont really think like "oh what about my friends and family" or something. I just feel fear and I'm not sure why

Thanks for the warm welcome! It's comforting to find someone who can relate.

How long have you felt this way?

I haven't taken meds for depression or anything, but I don't like medication personally so I just dont do it. Maybe thats my fault haha

Do you have a plan to CTB yourself? Or are you just going through life the same way I am?

A lot of people want to CTB but back out last minute due to fear. Just a few days ago a girl planned to take SN and made a good bye thread but i guess survival instinct kicked in and she changed her mind. I hope she's doing okay.

I've felt this way for about 8 years. Meds never worked for me, been on at least 10. I am kind of staying alive for my parents sake and don't want to hurt the few friends I have. I probably won' CTB soon, but i always hope to die in my sleep or by some accident.

Kind of trapped in a life i don't want. Nothing to look forward to really