Toobrokentofix
Experienced
- Jul 7, 2020
- 229
So I've been planning on CTB again for a number of months. I had a week alone 2 weeks ago, which would have been an ideal opportunity, but halfway through the week I heard from the bariatric surgeon that I am going to be able to have the bypass I asked for 2 years ago! The night after he called I HAD planned to drive to Beachy head to CTB but it totally through me off track. I ended up drinking half a bottle codeine linctus and gin, passed out before I got through it all. Last I saw on Fitbit was my bpm was in 50s then was out for 12 hours. Woke up and was violently sick for a further 12 hours. Then smoked some weed and was physically ok. It wasn't a proper attempt but I just wanted my brain to stop and I knew if I did die nobody would find me for several days and was ok with that too.
The surgeon has booked me in on September 14th! In 5 weeks time! I had lost about 9.5 stone in 2019 (133lbs) doing the programme, trying to get the surgery. But this year started regaining (2.5 stone or 35lbs) and then the hospital stopped doing surgery due to Covid.
I had given up on it and accepted I had to die before I regained the weight and was too big to walk 100m to the cliff edge or take enough poison or get my huge ass up onto a parapet. At my biggest i was almost immobile.
This was the news I wanted for so long but now I'm just really unsure. I still have this persistent internal voice telling me I need to die. I don't deserve the surgery because I will end up killing myself eventually... suicide has been on my radar since I was like 12 and always comes back. it feels like it's inevitable. Each time I get strong suicidal urges I learn more and get a little more obsessed. I then went on to read that suicide is much higher among those who have the surgery than the general 'obese population' and that drug and alcohol OD becomes far easier with only 5% of your stomach left and much of your intestines bypassed. It's a bit sick, but I think maybe I could wait n see... the bypass will make it easier if I still want to. I also fantasise that maybe I will die under the knife or in months after of natural causes. Then my family won't be left feeling purposefully abandoned. I have since finding out about the surgery been engaging in way more bulimic behaviour though and I know once it's done won't have food as a security blanket to run too when I feel too much or feel empty. If I told surgeon (which I won't) he would stop the op.
I don't think I want to die really, I just want to have never existed. I don't know whether to go through with the surgery or CTB. I've been trying to 'keep calm and carry on' with a what have I got to lose? attitude (other than another 100lbs!) But every day I really want to quit. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel ok and I know losing weight won't fix everything, maybe temporarily whilst the weight drops off but in the end I know huge or average I am always gonna be ruined. They wouldn't be giving me the surgery if they knew about my mental health and how it's been this year (they think I'm a recovered depressive).
Sorry for go on. Just keeps going round and round and I can't tell anyone else cause I don't want them to take away my choices.
The surgeon has booked me in on September 14th! In 5 weeks time! I had lost about 9.5 stone in 2019 (133lbs) doing the programme, trying to get the surgery. But this year started regaining (2.5 stone or 35lbs) and then the hospital stopped doing surgery due to Covid.
I had given up on it and accepted I had to die before I regained the weight and was too big to walk 100m to the cliff edge or take enough poison or get my huge ass up onto a parapet. At my biggest i was almost immobile.
This was the news I wanted for so long but now I'm just really unsure. I still have this persistent internal voice telling me I need to die. I don't deserve the surgery because I will end up killing myself eventually... suicide has been on my radar since I was like 12 and always comes back. it feels like it's inevitable. Each time I get strong suicidal urges I learn more and get a little more obsessed. I then went on to read that suicide is much higher among those who have the surgery than the general 'obese population' and that drug and alcohol OD becomes far easier with only 5% of your stomach left and much of your intestines bypassed. It's a bit sick, but I think maybe I could wait n see... the bypass will make it easier if I still want to. I also fantasise that maybe I will die under the knife or in months after of natural causes. Then my family won't be left feeling purposefully abandoned. I have since finding out about the surgery been engaging in way more bulimic behaviour though and I know once it's done won't have food as a security blanket to run too when I feel too much or feel empty. If I told surgeon (which I won't) he would stop the op.
I don't think I want to die really, I just want to have never existed. I don't know whether to go through with the surgery or CTB. I've been trying to 'keep calm and carry on' with a what have I got to lose? attitude (other than another 100lbs!) But every day I really want to quit. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel ok and I know losing weight won't fix everything, maybe temporarily whilst the weight drops off but in the end I know huge or average I am always gonna be ruined. They wouldn't be giving me the surgery if they knew about my mental health and how it's been this year (they think I'm a recovered depressive).
Sorry for go on. Just keeps going round and round and I can't tell anyone else cause I don't want them to take away my choices.
