Feeling so much regret delaying suicide (is it too late?)

[thelazyegg]

I was planning to die before or by my birthday this year on April 6th. Unfortunately SI and the weather had different plans for me.

I turned 32 and my life is complete shit. I actually was alone for my birthday in my apartment crying. I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman and was diagnosed ADHD at 7 (so have the chaotic combo of both). I am alone relying on financial support from mother and grandma, who constantly hold it over my head and criticize me for being unable to be fully independent. Even though the only reason why I am living alone is because my dad is abusive and I refuse to let them force me into the abusive household again. Especially when I have an amazing cat and they have tried to force me to get rid of him since my parents have 2 pit bulls. Everyone tells me that everything should be great for me ("you are so pretty", "you are so smart") but they don't understand how society doesn't give a fuck about that if you don't fit in and are autistic without much support. I have had many jobs and always end up having to quit not long after due to overwhelm. I had to drop out of 2 master's programs due to overwhelm with all the work and social activity (despite having a 4.0 GPA) and I was bullied by my cohort in the first program. I lost my gallbladder from all the stress at 26 (no gallstones, surgeon not sure if surgery would even work) and have had to deal with throwing up bile acid everytime my stomach is overwhelmed or I'm too stressed. I had to get a gum graft for my teeth at 32 years old because the acid started to erode my gums from all the throwing up. I am an only child and get shifted all the blame for my failures. At this point, I know I'm a piece of scum on the back of everyone's shoe. My dad even told me himself that I was the most "selfish, most judgmental" person he's ever met and said that I'm the reason for how fucked up I am and that I'm on a path to nowhere.

My boyfriend was amazing and wonderful and autistic as well (he was the best boyfriend ever), but he killed himself in September of last year and my whole world has gone out. I thought we could try to survive suicidal ideation together and we spent so much time trying to be there for eachother. He was supposed to move in with me a week before he took his life. In the end, he decided it was his time. The only frustration I have with him is how he could decide he was ready to go but leave me here when he knew that I was suicidal too. Like he left me thinking that my life would be better and that I should live, when honestly it's been a living nightmare since he took his life and I have spent everyday wishing I could be dead. Everytime I wake up from sleeping I cry or feel so much despair about waking up. He was my biggest support system and he's gone. Everyday I have wished I could have died when he did.

I regret not taking my life on April 6th. I don't know how much longer I can go on, it's unbearable. I've been trying as long as I can for my cat Marvin since he's amazing and the best cat ever, and I worry about him not having me around since he's so attached to me. But I may end up losing him anyways if my family tries to force me back into their house since I have no income and have struggled to make enough. I worked enough to have 32 out of 40 work credits for social security retirement completed, but literally have no savings and have to rely family for support.

I have spent what little money I have left and birthday money I got on my suicide method and organizing a plan. I'm close to going into debt so I have to do soon and I can't fuck up. The only concern I have is the weather. It's already getting warm where I live and I plan to use charcoal in my car. I am going to get Airbnb by mountains where I have close access to car and use two full buckets of charcoal in my car with lump charcoal. I got spray foam insulation (I may change to different one, not sure) for the cracks in my car. I wish I could CTB in my apartment but I have nowhere to take my cat Marvin while I do it and I'm worried it could affect other tenants in my building since I'm above other tenant's garages and share my bathroom wall with one.

Is 50-60 degree weather too warm for charcoal in car attempt? Did I mess up waiting until my birthday when the weather has already gotten so warm?

So much regret and wasted life….

 

[thelazyegg]

Would 58-62 degree weather be cool enough to do charcoal burning in car if I wait until evening? This weekend is the last cold weekend before extremely hot summer where I live and I need to prepare ASAP.

 

[MrHastatti]

60 degree weather should be fine for a charcoal attempt, charcoal still burns and produces CO in warmer weather

 

[deaddog67]

I was planning to die before or by my birthday this year on April 6th. Unfortunately SI and the weather had different plans for me.

I turned 32 and my life is complete shit. I actually was alone for my birthday in my apartment crying. I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman and was diagnosed ADHD at 7 (so have the chaotic combo of both). I am alone relying on financial support from mother and grandma, who constantly hold it over my head and criticize me for being unable to be fully independent. Even though the only reason why I am living alone is because my dad is abusive and I refuse to let them force me into the abusive household again. Especially when I have an amazing cat and they have tried to force me to get rid of him since my parents have 2 pit bulls. Everyone tells me that everything should be great for me ("you are so pretty", "you are so smart") but they don't understand how society doesn't give a fuck about that if you don't fit in and are autistic without much support. I have had many jobs and always end up having to quit not long after due to overwhelm. I had to drop out of 2 master's programs due to overwhelm with all the work and social activity (despite having a 4.0 GPA) and I was bullied by my cohort in the first program. I lost my gallbladder from all the stress at 26 (no gallstones, surgeon not sure if surgery would even work) and have had to deal with throwing up bile acid everytime my stomach is overwhelmed or I'm too stressed. I had to get a gum graft for my teeth at 32 years old because the acid started to erode my gums from all the throwing up. I am an only child and get shifted all the blame for my failures. At this point, I know I'm a piece of scum on the back of everyone's shoe. My dad even told me himself that I was the most "selfish, most judgmental" person he's ever met and said that I'm the reason for how fucked up I am and that I'm on a path to nowhere.

My boyfriend was amazing and wonderful and autistic as well (he was the best boyfriend ever), but he killed himself in September of last year and my whole world has gone out. I thought we could try to survive suicidal ideation together and we spent so much time trying to be there for eachother. He was supposed to move in with me a week before he took his life. In the end, he decided it was his time. The only frustration I have with him is how he could decide he was ready to go but leave me here when he knew that I was suicidal too. Like he left me thinking that my life would be better and that I should live, when honestly it's been a living nightmare since he took his life and I have spent everyday wishing I could be dead. Everytime I wake up from sleeping I cry or feel so much despair about waking up. He was my biggest support system and he's gone. Everyday I have wished I could have died when he did.

I regret not taking my life on April 6th. I don't know how much longer I can go on, it's unbearable. I've been trying as long as I can for my cat Marvin since he's amazing and the best cat ever, and I worry about him not having me around since he's so attached to me. But I may end up losing him anyways if my family tries to force me back into their house since I have no income and have struggled to make enough. I worked enough to have 32 out of 40 work credits for social security retirement completed, but literally have no savings and have to rely family for support.

I have spent what little money I have left and birthday money I got on my suicide method and organizing a plan. I'm close to going into debt so I have to do soon and I can't fuck up. The only concern I have is the weather. It's already getting warm where I live and I plan to use charcoal in my car. I am going to get Airbnb by mountains where I have close access to car and use two full buckets of charcoal in my car with lump charcoal. I got spray foam insulation (I may change to different one, not sure) for the cracks in my car. I wish I could CTB in my apartment but I have nowhere to take my cat Marvin while I do it and I'm worried it could affect other tenants in my building since I'm above other tenant's garages and share my bathroom wall with one.

Is 50-60 degree weather too warm for charcoal in car attempt? Did I mess up waiting until my birthday when the weather has already gotten so warm?

So much regret and wasted life….

i'm so sorry about everything :( my boyfriend also killed himself and ive felt the same as you. i hope you can find the peace you deserve, and i dont believe it's too warm, but take that with a grain of salt

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything that you have gone through. Unfortunately I don't have any useful advice, but I wish you the best on your journey. You seem like a very strong and capable person, and Marvin sounds like a sweetheart. Take good care <3

 

[thelazyegg]

60 degree weather should be fine for a charcoal attempt, charcoal still burns and produces CO in warmer weather

Oh yeah, my problem is that it is impossible to do the attempt in the car in warmer weather. My main reason for choosing the CO method is because it should be practically painless if done right. Boiling in the car with two charcoal buckets in warm weather sounds like a nightmare. I'd rather not feel like I'm in hell right as I'm dying as I always feel like that in life

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything that you have gone through. Unfortunately I don't have any useful advice, but I wish you the best on your journey. You seem like a very strong and capable person, and Marvin sounds like a sweetheart. Take good care <3

Thank you so much That means a lot to me, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote. Thank you Marvin says thank you as well. (ETA: I attached pic of Marvin but can't take it out of your quote haha I'm sorry for the mistake)

i'm so sorry about everything :( my boyfriend also killed himself and ive felt the same as you. i hope you can find the peace you deserve, and i dont believe it's too warm, but take that with a grain of salt

I'm so sorry for your loss! I truly am. It's absolutely soul crushing and devastating. My heart goes out to you, truly Thank you so much. I really hope you are able to find the peace you deserve too.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Using ice packs can help keep a person cool. Don't think that's too hot in terms of outdoor temperature... If you're determined you can do it. Wishing strength for you. You aren't alone and you won't be when it's over. It is one of the most peaceful methods and extremely effective. Good luck.

 

[AshersGirl]

I don't know enough about the method to comment on your questions but I just want to say, my heart to yours, I'm sorry. My partner died and the grief has been my final tipping point, I'm always so unhappy now. It truly is a living nightmare. I hope you can find your peace. X

 

[thelazyegg]

Using ice packs can help keep a person cool. Don't think that's too hot in terms of outdoor temperature... If you're determined you can do it. Wishing strength for you. You aren't alone and you won't be when it's over. It is one of the most peaceful methods and extremely effective. Good luck.

Thank you so much I appreciate all of your help and for going through my method on my other thread. I am hoping that it is peaceful since the idea of a painful death is what has kept me from this decision for so long. I will definitely be posting updates and such if I am successful to get there.

I don't know enough about the method to comment on your questions but I just want to say, my heart to yours, I'm sorry. My partner died and the grief has been my final tipping point, I'm always so unhappy now. It truly is a living nightmare. I hope you can find your peace. X

Omg I'm so sorry for your loss It really is a cruel thing to experience and it sucks to have to go through it amongst all the other suffering. I'm so sorry you are suffering and you are unhappy all the time now. Thank you so much for wishing me peace I wish the same to you. I wish you relief and peace from all this suffering. Holding you in my heart and thoughts while I'm alive and still here.

 

[SN;)]

thelazyegg what's your decision in the end? Are you attempting today? Or postponing to a later day? Let us know if you need any support or advice!

 

[thelazyegg]

thelazyegg what's your decision in the end? Are you attempting today? Or postponing to a later day? Let us know if you need any support or advice!

Thank you so much for checking in

I really wanted to but I may have to postpone. I'm still recovering from the bad allergic reaction I had to a pain medication prescribed and my back and chest make it hard to move around effectively. I am worried that I might make a mistake that will mess with my attempt, and I really don't want to fail. I read a couple of failed attempts on here that kind of scared me, and the last thing I need is to mess up and be MORE dependent on my abusive family for help if I get brain damage or have serious complications.

Seeing how the meeting goes with my mom in less than an hour. I may be told to be forced to live with my grandpa, which is a bad situation for me since he's 85 with Alzheimer's, likes to keep his house at 85 degrees even in the summer, and his TV is on all the time at almost full volume so extremely loud. My cousin lived with him and had to sleep with earplugs and would still have to get up at 2 or 3 in the morning to turn TV off because he sleeps in his recliner in living room. He also is abusive to animals and I would feel so uncomfortable being there with Marvin. He made my cousin's dog shiver and whimper when he said "outside" because he would hit her. I have no one else to stay with and I don't have money, so I'm totally fucked if my mom and grandma decide to stick me there. Especially since he has a reverse mortgage home so if he passes, not only will I be the one to witness it but he technically doesn't own the house so I would have nowhere to live again since I refuse to go back to mom and dad's house of abuse.

I have already moved 5 times in the last 3 years because of refusing to go back to abusive home and having to find different places to stay. But after I was sexually assaulted by my Lyft driver on my birthday last year, I let my family choose an apartment that was in a gated community and safe. But now they want to take that away from me, and it sucks that I can't be financially independent. Being AuDHD and having so much trauma and bad times sucks so much. I have always struggled working and now because I am alone, I am in a desperate situation.

Just writing this out I feel urges to CTB still today. My stupid back and chest. Everything was supposed to work out today…

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Do you have any other method at your disposal? So you don't have to worry about bricks and charcoal?

 

[thelazyegg]

Do you have any other method at your disposal? So you don't have to worry about bricks and charcoal?

Unfortunately not. I have a nitrogen tank, but no set up and I'm pretty sure it's the wrong amount. $280 wasted I think I would be denied for a gun since I have previous hospitalizations. So it's the only one I got right now. I have tried to figure out partial hanging but have not found carotid arteries and have not been able to make myself unconscious. So it's the only one I have I could do now.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very sorry to hear about all this, I can relate to many things in your story and I too, have suffered greatly ever since pre-pandemic. I'm also on the spectrum and for most of my life, I have been either under employed, a student in school (just biding time), or just not being able to be gainfully employed. In fact, one of the first jobs I had was a part time job and only was able to get it because I had to go with my state's job seeking agency (Vocational Rehab) and they set up a position (temporary one in fact) for me to go in. That was prior to the pandemic and during the pandemic, I went and studied a different field and somehow ended up landing a job in that particular field. But in 2021, life was shit and I didn't manage to get gainfully employed. Ever since beginning of 2020, I always lived with parents since and beyond any major life changes or windfall, I will likely live with them for the foreseeable future. People may think that I'm fortunate, but life still sucks and everyday is a living hell for me, I just do whatever I can to enjoy what solace I have and cope (until I find the perfect time and opportunity, which I don't know when) so that way when the time comes I can CTB.

Even now, my life is also slowly falling apart, living at home with parents (no real privacy) and the stress of wageslaving, which may even be in jeopardy depending on what happens with my job (that's not to say that I enjoy wageslaving nor that I find it acceptable - I'd still wish to die regardless of whether I'm a NEET or a wageslaver). I often regret not just ending it in 2019, because at most, I'd only miss out the pandemic and some other fleeting joyful moments, not just worth the potentially long decades amount of suffering that I may endure.

I have always been single for my whole life and after I've became an adult, I learned that I prefer a life of solitude, and was single by choice mainly. I would probably never know what it is like to be in a relationship, but I'm sorry to hear about your loss and especially someone really important and is your biggest support system.

Anyways, I hope you are able to succeed with the method of choice, I have that as my backup method as well (which I hope I wouldn't end up resorting to but depending on if I could access my method in the future - time and life circumstances will tell ultimately).

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Oh yeah, my problem is that it is impossible to do the attempt in the car in warmer weather. My main reason for choosing the CO method is because it should be practically painless if done right. Boiling in the car with two charcoal buckets in warm weather sounds like a nightmare. I'd rather not feel like I'm in hell right as I'm dying as I always feel like that in life

Thank you so much That means a lot to me, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote. Thank you Marvin says thank you as well. (ETA: I attached pic of Marvin but can't take it out of your quote haha I'm sorry for the mistake)

I'm so sorry for your loss! I truly am. It's absolutely soul crushing and devastating. My heart goes out to you, truly Thank you so much. I really hope you are able to find the peace you deserve too.

Marvin is so beautiful! I hope you find relief soon.

 

[returntothevoid]

I read somewhere in a medical journal that autistic adults are way more likely to die by suicide than non autists, something crazy if I remember correctly 9x more likely. It's really sad but makes a lot of sense, since social isolation is major predictor of depression and suicidality. Autism makes it really hard for you to not just make friends, but when you do it's hard to feel connected to people in a genuine way. Like you always feel like there's something missing or something is seriously broken about you.

I don't have any advice I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how on top of everything your boyfriend killed himself, that really is tragic.