blueming
if we can stand outside the borders of time
- Sep 21, 2018
- 228
I barely know how to start this. I'm just trying to recall everything that happened and hopefully make some sense of it, somehow. There's so much that I can't fit it into one post so I'm only going to detail the more extreme things and leave out most of the verbal abuse, and put some less important details in spoilers. I'm sorry to keep writing such long posts. For anyone who's interested, these are my previous posts describing some of what led to my current situation:
I was arrested. Am I a bad person?
My dad just beat me up again because I was upset that he's neglecting my cat
Short recap, my cat got a bunch of infected bite wounds and had to stay at home in order to recover. He's been primarily an outdoor cat most of his life so this was difficult for him, and he's been meowing nonstop day and night itching to go out. His wounds still haven't fully healed but two days ago, my dad got really annoyed by the meowing and physically threw my cat out of the house, as in he picked him up and swung him right out the front door. He then turned and berated me for being cruel to my cat by not letting him out. (This is coming from the man who, as I mentioned in my previous post, will kick the cat whenever he's annoyed and will ignore the cat for days on a whim, without feeding him.)
I continued to do research about just what was best for a cat. I even made a reddit post under a throwaway account asking other cat owners if I'm really the one being cruel to my cat by keeping him indoors: Is it cruel to keep my cat inside?
A lot of the replies confirmed that it's not recommended to let cats free roam, it's safer for them to be indoors and there will inevitably be an adjustment period where they'll meow relentlessly. I learned that I should start harness training which is recommended by experts and owners alike because it gives them the freedom to explore outside without the risks, so I immediately bought a cat harness and started making plans to take my cat out on walks, and then went to tell my dad about this plan. He ignored me, and then a few hours later sent me a long text about how:
- This is his home, this is his cat and he's in charge
- He's going to continue to let the cat out, and if I object he will immediately call the mental hospital to drag me away
- I'm tormenting the cat by keeping him inside and if I keep doing so he will immediately call the mental hospital to drag me away
- I'm being selfish because he's annoyed by the meowing and I'm tormenting the cat
I burst out crying reading this. I'd been so, so worried that he would get depressed, but he has to at least heal from his wounds indoors. But after doing a bunch of research and knowing that this was a normal transition period, my worries were put to rest. Now being told that I'm responsible for my cat's suffering makes me want to drop dead. Part of me does feel responsible, the way my dad said it made it seem like all of my cat's pain stemmed from me and I can't deal with that.
After composing myself, I went to find my dad and urge him to consider harness training. He began screaming at me and reiterated that if I stopped him from letting the cat out he would call the mental hospital. I was getting frustrated. Again, his wounds aren't even healed yet - I'll attach some photos to this post - and could get infected again. He is inevitably going to get bit/hurt again. On top of this my dad refuses to give my cat his vaccinations and shots. He refuses to take the cat back to the vet for a checkup because to him they're all frauds, and hasn't even been giving him the correct medication. He's only been using home remedies consisting of rubbing alcohol and herbs. If I object he'll scream at me for doubting his abilities.
I told him that he's being neglectful and he replied that this is how people in China have pets. First of all that's simply not true, the majority of cat owners here keep them in cages. Secondly, I reminded him that he badmouthed other Chinese people to me on multiple occasions, saying their "quality" isn't on par with Western people and that they don't treat animals well. Now he wants to be like them? He even lightheartedly told me stories of kids catching random cats and beating them to death for fun. After I reminded him of his own words, he immediately lost it. He came up at me quickly and once again picked up a wooden chair and brandished it over my head in his usual stance when he's about to beat me (scaring my cat in the process). "Do I have to beat you to death?" I imagined myself bleeding out on the ground. But once again, he must not want to end up as a murderer behind bars so he lowers the chair, and tells me that he's going to call the mental hospital to take me away (but not before throwing my cat out).
He's on the phone to the hospital and I hear him using his "polite" voice asking how to admit a patient, closing his bedroom door to stop me from listening. I was surprisingly calm throughout this as I'm used to this by now, and I was curious as to his reason to the hospital for admitting me. I guessed he might tell them I'm a mentally ill person who is neglecting his cat, something like that. So I opened the door and followed him. After seeing me he went to the patio and again closed the door while speaking in a hushed tone. Again, I tentatively opened the door. His eyes widened in anger and he raised his hand to hit me but realised he was still on the phone to the mental hospital, so he said "Wh-what are you doing?" in a tone like he was frightened. I almost burst out laughing, I mean, what the fuck. It was almost comedic.
After the call, he continued to insult and threaten me. I asked him why I should go to a mental hospital, what did I do. I was holding back tears while speaking calmly in a composed voice but he would get angry all of a sudden, jump up and come at me, shouting at me to stop starting arguments. He kept saying it's his cat and he decides what to do with it, and that if I keep interfering with him and his cat he'll get me locked up. Once again, he told me that the reason my cat isn't well is because I scared him with my crying and screaming and that all his health problems stemmed from me when I tried to keep him indoors. I reminded him that the reason I was crying is because he beat me. He said he acknowledges that, pointed a finger at me and said that looking at me, anyone would beat me up. He said he can't control himself because I make him want to beat me up. I told him no matter how upset I am, the thought of physically hurting someone never even crosses my mind. He said I speak too highly of myself and that I make people upset, that I upset my mum to death, that I upset people to the point where they have no choice but to hit me and beat me up.
At this point I decided I'd had enough abuse for one day and left, hoping that the mental hospital thing was just an empty threat. He holed himself up in his room for a while, then he went out and bought me an ice cream sundae. I completely broke down in tears. Why, why are you doing this to me? I asked him. Are you purposely trying to drive me insane? Why?
This morning, for my cat's sake, I decided to try again to convince him. I asked him delicately if he wanted to read the things I've been researching and the advice other cat owners are giving. He told me to fuck off back to London and started shouting at me again, reiterating that it's his cat and he can "do whatever he wants with it". I told him that I plan to take the cat with me back to the UK and make sure he's adopted by someone who has the ability to take good care of him. He said that it's his cat so I can't take him away. He's planning to travel so he can't even look after the cat, I reminded him of this. He replied that when he's travelling he'll just give the cat to the neighbours. The neighbours in question are away from home during most of the day Mon-Fri. They're not well off financially so they would probably just let my cat die if his illness escalates. I asked him, he's abandoning the cat to neighbours who don't have the financial means to take care of an animal, just to go travelling? If so, he should never have gotten a pet in the first place, he should've thought things through. He said yes, he regrets it. So I pleaded again for him to please let me bring the cat back to the UK - using my own money - and put him up for adoption there where he can be properly taken care of.
He blew up at this and picked up the chair again, preparing to beat me while saying "I should really beat you to death". He suddenly put down the chair, I thought this part was over now, but he ruffled through some things on the table searching for something. He then went to another table and brought back a knife, one of those retractable ones, and pointed it at me. "I'm really going to kill you," he said, "I'm being serious. I'm not scared. I really want to kill you." And more things like that. I really, really thought he would do it. I was terrified, I didn't want to die like this. He kept moving suddenly, do you guys know the thing people do when they want to make you flinch? That's what he kept doing and it felt like he could slash my throat at any moment.
It has taken more than a day to finish recalling this because I keep passing out from exhaustion. I feel so... violated? Manipulated? Nothing makes sense and I'm losing my mind trying to make sense of it. The things I'm being told, that everything's wrong with me, I know it's not true but it's being drilled into my mind constantly that I can't help but feel like it is. I can't even explain it in words. It feels unfair. I feel like I'm being tortured. I really feel like I might go insane. This cat is my last lifeline. I don't want to leave him here. But if I stay any longer I'll either get forced into a mental hospital or I'll die by my dad's hands and that is not the death that I want.
Please, I just want away from this hell. Please.
Just want to apologise again for the long post and thank you to anyone who's taking the time to read. I have no one to go to so this is the only place I can talk about this so that I don't actually lose my mind.
I was arrested. Am I a bad person?
My dad just beat me up again because I was upset that he's neglecting my cat
Short recap, my cat got a bunch of infected bite wounds and had to stay at home in order to recover. He's been primarily an outdoor cat most of his life so this was difficult for him, and he's been meowing nonstop day and night itching to go out. His wounds still haven't fully healed but two days ago, my dad got really annoyed by the meowing and physically threw my cat out of the house, as in he picked him up and swung him right out the front door. He then turned and berated me for being cruel to my cat by not letting him out. (This is coming from the man who, as I mentioned in my previous post, will kick the cat whenever he's annoyed and will ignore the cat for days on a whim, without feeding him.)
I continued to do research about just what was best for a cat. I even made a reddit post under a throwaway account asking other cat owners if I'm really the one being cruel to my cat by keeping him indoors: Is it cruel to keep my cat inside?
A lot of the replies confirmed that it's not recommended to let cats free roam, it's safer for them to be indoors and there will inevitably be an adjustment period where they'll meow relentlessly. I learned that I should start harness training which is recommended by experts and owners alike because it gives them the freedom to explore outside without the risks, so I immediately bought a cat harness and started making plans to take my cat out on walks, and then went to tell my dad about this plan. He ignored me, and then a few hours later sent me a long text about how:
- This is his home, this is his cat and he's in charge
- He's going to continue to let the cat out, and if I object he will immediately call the mental hospital to drag me away
- I'm tormenting the cat by keeping him inside and if I keep doing so he will immediately call the mental hospital to drag me away
- I'm being selfish because he's annoyed by the meowing and I'm tormenting the cat
I burst out crying reading this. I'd been so, so worried that he would get depressed, but he has to at least heal from his wounds indoors. But after doing a bunch of research and knowing that this was a normal transition period, my worries were put to rest. Now being told that I'm responsible for my cat's suffering makes me want to drop dead. Part of me does feel responsible, the way my dad said it made it seem like all of my cat's pain stemmed from me and I can't deal with that.
After composing myself, I went to find my dad and urge him to consider harness training. He began screaming at me and reiterated that if I stopped him from letting the cat out he would call the mental hospital. I was getting frustrated. Again, his wounds aren't even healed yet - I'll attach some photos to this post - and could get infected again. He is inevitably going to get bit/hurt again. On top of this my dad refuses to give my cat his vaccinations and shots. He refuses to take the cat back to the vet for a checkup because to him they're all frauds, and hasn't even been giving him the correct medication. He's only been using home remedies consisting of rubbing alcohol and herbs. If I object he'll scream at me for doubting his abilities.
I told him that he's being neglectful and he replied that this is how people in China have pets. First of all that's simply not true, the majority of cat owners here keep them in cages. Secondly, I reminded him that he badmouthed other Chinese people to me on multiple occasions, saying their "quality" isn't on par with Western people and that they don't treat animals well. Now he wants to be like them? He even lightheartedly told me stories of kids catching random cats and beating them to death for fun. After I reminded him of his own words, he immediately lost it. He came up at me quickly and once again picked up a wooden chair and brandished it over my head in his usual stance when he's about to beat me (scaring my cat in the process). "Do I have to beat you to death?" I imagined myself bleeding out on the ground. But once again, he must not want to end up as a murderer behind bars so he lowers the chair, and tells me that he's going to call the mental hospital to take me away (but not before throwing my cat out).
He's on the phone to the hospital and I hear him using his "polite" voice asking how to admit a patient, closing his bedroom door to stop me from listening. I was surprisingly calm throughout this as I'm used to this by now, and I was curious as to his reason to the hospital for admitting me. I guessed he might tell them I'm a mentally ill person who is neglecting his cat, something like that. So I opened the door and followed him. After seeing me he went to the patio and again closed the door while speaking in a hushed tone. Again, I tentatively opened the door. His eyes widened in anger and he raised his hand to hit me but realised he was still on the phone to the mental hospital, so he said "Wh-what are you doing?" in a tone like he was frightened. I almost burst out laughing, I mean, what the fuck. It was almost comedic.
I heard the hospital staff ask him what the reason was for admitting a patient, he told them it was "hard to explain" and that he would "do it later". The hospital offered to send an ambulance or whatever to pick the patient up, but he told them to put that on hold and that he would go to the hospital first to "see" (he didn't). It didn't make a lot of sense and I think the hospital staff was confused as well. Honestly, I think the entire thing was a show for my benefit, to scare me and cause me mental distress. I mentioned in my previous post how my mum would do this to scare me on multiple occasions - pull out her phone right in front of me and make a big show of calling the psych ward or the police - and I guess my dad learned a few tricks from her.
After the call, he continued to insult and threaten me. I asked him why I should go to a mental hospital, what did I do. I was holding back tears while speaking calmly in a composed voice but he would get angry all of a sudden, jump up and come at me, shouting at me to stop starting arguments. He kept saying it's his cat and he decides what to do with it, and that if I keep interfering with him and his cat he'll get me locked up. Once again, he told me that the reason my cat isn't well is because I scared him with my crying and screaming and that all his health problems stemmed from me when I tried to keep him indoors. I reminded him that the reason I was crying is because he beat me. He said he acknowledges that, pointed a finger at me and said that looking at me, anyone would beat me up. He said he can't control himself because I make him want to beat me up. I told him no matter how upset I am, the thought of physically hurting someone never even crosses my mind. He said I speak too highly of myself and that I make people upset, that I upset my mum to death, that I upset people to the point where they have no choice but to hit me and beat me up.
I decided to ignore this and focus on the current problem at hand. I told him calmly that I don't want to go to the mental hospital, that I did nothing to deserve that. I asked him again, what was the reason? He said the reason is because I'm caring for his cat and that makes me mentally ill because he can't sleep. The hospital is apparently something called a "sleep hospital" and he said they will give me injections that make me go to sleep. (side note: I wonder if I can request that the sleep be permanent?) He then changed his reason to the fact that I sometimes stay up all night (depression, insomnia, just an inability to function due to a lack of will to live). That is word for word what he said and it makes no sense to me. He has the tendency to jump around with all sorts of excuses that I don't understand and when I question him he immediately thinks up of another excuse that absolves him of all things bad and villainises me. I know that the things he says are bs but I've been listening to it my entire life so he still manages to convince me that I'm an evil waste of space.
After that he changes his reason again and says it's because I'm always unhappy and depressed. I tell him that he knew I was depressed and the reason he told me he wanted me to come here with him was so that maybe my depression might improve. But after I got here he keeps degrading me for being depressed? He beats me up and then blames me for being unhappy? I don't understand. He then started to talk about my aunt, how she hates me too. (He has insulted her on many occasions, calling her a con artist and such.) He went on about how he's blocked all of his friends solely because he's embarrassed to have a "thing" like me. I could feel his genuine disgust of me.
After that he changes his reason again and says it's because I'm always unhappy and depressed. I tell him that he knew I was depressed and the reason he told me he wanted me to come here with him was so that maybe my depression might improve. But after I got here he keeps degrading me for being depressed? He beats me up and then blames me for being unhappy? I don't understand. He then started to talk about my aunt, how she hates me too. (He has insulted her on many occasions, calling her a con artist and such.) He went on about how he's blocked all of his friends solely because he's embarrassed to have a "thing" like me. I could feel his genuine disgust of me.
At this point I decided I'd had enough abuse for one day and left, hoping that the mental hospital thing was just an empty threat. He holed himself up in his room for a while, then he went out and bought me an ice cream sundae. I completely broke down in tears. Why, why are you doing this to me? I asked him. Are you purposely trying to drive me insane? Why?
Later in the night, after my cat came back, the scab on his wound cracked and it started pouring out pus. It's still leaking with pus right now and my dad continues to put him outside where the wound is bound to get worse. I can't do anything about it because he'll probably murder me if I "interfere". What really makes me want to tear my hair out is that since then my dad has been overly affectionate with the cat, petting and cooing and even singing to him as if he didn't toss him out of the house like trash just the night before, all while looking at me like I'm the devil incarnate and they both need to stay away from me.
This morning, for my cat's sake, I decided to try again to convince him. I asked him delicately if he wanted to read the things I've been researching and the advice other cat owners are giving. He told me to fuck off back to London and started shouting at me again, reiterating that it's his cat and he can "do whatever he wants with it". I told him that I plan to take the cat with me back to the UK and make sure he's adopted by someone who has the ability to take good care of him. He said that it's his cat so I can't take him away. He's planning to travel so he can't even look after the cat, I reminded him of this. He replied that when he's travelling he'll just give the cat to the neighbours. The neighbours in question are away from home during most of the day Mon-Fri. They're not well off financially so they would probably just let my cat die if his illness escalates. I asked him, he's abandoning the cat to neighbours who don't have the financial means to take care of an animal, just to go travelling? If so, he should never have gotten a pet in the first place, he should've thought things through. He said yes, he regrets it. So I pleaded again for him to please let me bring the cat back to the UK - using my own money - and put him up for adoption there where he can be properly taken care of.
He blew up at this and picked up the chair again, preparing to beat me while saying "I should really beat you to death". He suddenly put down the chair, I thought this part was over now, but he ruffled through some things on the table searching for something. He then went to another table and brought back a knife, one of those retractable ones, and pointed it at me. "I'm really going to kill you," he said, "I'm being serious. I'm not scared. I really want to kill you." And more things like that. I really, really thought he would do it. I was terrified, I didn't want to die like this. He kept moving suddenly, do you guys know the thing people do when they want to make you flinch? That's what he kept doing and it felt like he could slash my throat at any moment.
It has taken more than a day to finish recalling this because I keep passing out from exhaustion. I feel so... violated? Manipulated? Nothing makes sense and I'm losing my mind trying to make sense of it. The things I'm being told, that everything's wrong with me, I know it's not true but it's being drilled into my mind constantly that I can't help but feel like it is. I can't even explain it in words. It feels unfair. I feel like I'm being tortured. I really feel like I might go insane. This cat is my last lifeline. I don't want to leave him here. But if I stay any longer I'll either get forced into a mental hospital or I'll die by my dad's hands and that is not the death that I want.
Please, I just want away from this hell. Please.
First a photo of my cat <3:
When my dad chopped up his bowl with the kitchen knife he was using to threaten to kill me:
The same incident when my dad chopped his scratching pole:
A small section of the scene after my dad beat me up and smashed a cup:
My cat's wounds from a few days ago:
My cat's wound from today, still not healed and leaking pus:
When my dad chopped up his bowl with the kitchen knife he was using to threaten to kill me:
The same incident when my dad chopped his scratching pole:
A small section of the scene after my dad beat me up and smashed a cup:
My cat's wounds from a few days ago:
My cat's wound from today, still not healed and leaking pus:
Just want to apologise again for the long post and thank you to anyone who's taking the time to read. I have no one to go to so this is the only place I can talk about this so that I don't actually lose my mind.
