Tried to overdoze on clonazepam, stupid since i'm aware its a non-method but I was having withdrawals from quitting zoloft overnight due to neurologist forgetting to refill the whole weekend and severely depressed from previous events. I was alone and desperate. I really wanted to cbt so I gathered as many pills as i had managed to ask for in many dofferent pharmacies (don't feel like saying the exact amount). Walked over to the gas station since I was planning to down them with a bottle of vodka but the payment through QR wouldn't go through. I said fuck it, water it is then. I downed all of them , quickly wrote a last minutes exit note while under the drowsiness effectsbecause adhd memory issues and fell asleep. And then I woke up dizzy, very unsteady on my feet and severely disappointed.
I had agreed to have lunch with my aunt that day and she noticed I was particularly down. She asked me about it and i regretfully spilled the beans. Got an urgent meeting with the psychologist who told me it was either clinical admission or a 24/7 supervision without screen with my family. Vehemently refused the first one. Apparently my aunt also told the whole fanily and psychologist called my parents. Dad who is living in Colombia bought me a plane ticket immediately to stay with them a couple weeks, they will probably want to talk about it and I have no clue what to tell them. Really not looking forward to that conversation, looking them in the eyes and lying that I will never do it again.
I don't regret doing it. I regret failing and I regret telling my family. I also regret not writing a goodbye letter beforehand because when I read it the morning after I realized it was barely legible so now I know for a future attempt haha.
Sighh, I guess I can give it a few months before I attempt again; after all I do have an illustration class to finish. Could give me time to collect even more clonazepan and even get my hands on SN. No clue how I'll get antinausea medication, but I have time to plan that out, if not I can always rawdog it again. I just don't want to fail a second time so I will have to do things right.
Sorry for the lengthy paragraphs, I just desperately needed to tell someone who won't jump and tell me how incredibly glad they are I failed or try solutions. I am grateful people in my life care don't get me wrong! I'm just so very tired of being alive :(
Curently on my way to the airport. It's been a day and a half and i'm still a tad woozy. I will get a coffee and take this time in Colombia to spend time with my parents, hopefully positive.
I had agreed to have lunch with my aunt that day and she noticed I was particularly down. She asked me about it and i regretfully spilled the beans. Got an urgent meeting with the psychologist who told me it was either clinical admission or a 24/7 supervision without screen with my family. Vehemently refused the first one. Apparently my aunt also told the whole fanily and psychologist called my parents. Dad who is living in Colombia bought me a plane ticket immediately to stay with them a couple weeks, they will probably want to talk about it and I have no clue what to tell them. Really not looking forward to that conversation, looking them in the eyes and lying that I will never do it again.
I don't regret doing it. I regret failing and I regret telling my family. I also regret not writing a goodbye letter beforehand because when I read it the morning after I realized it was barely legible so now I know for a future attempt haha.
Sighh, I guess I can give it a few months before I attempt again; after all I do have an illustration class to finish. Could give me time to collect even more clonazepan and even get my hands on SN. No clue how I'll get antinausea medication, but I have time to plan that out, if not I can always rawdog it again. I just don't want to fail a second time so I will have to do things right.
Sorry for the lengthy paragraphs, I just desperately needed to tell someone who won't jump and tell me how incredibly glad they are I failed or try solutions. I am grateful people in my life care don't get me wrong! I'm just so very tired of being alive :(
Curently on my way to the airport. It's been a day and a half and i'm still a tad woozy. I will get a coffee and take this time in Colombia to spend time with my parents, hopefully positive.
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