statikfeedback
New Member
- Jul 22, 2025
- 1
Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post. For a little background, I've struggled with chronic depression and SI since I was around 6 years old. I'm now 20 and I'm about to transfer to a university. I've spent the last two years at community college, which was not a good decision for me; I made no friends and felt isolated and lonely even when surrounded by people in a classroom. I'm planning to live on campus at the university, and I am so scared that my lack of emotional regulation will make my roommates' lives living hell.
The only thing that's keeping me going right now is my mom. I got very lucky having a mom who understands mental health and does what she can to support me. But I just feel like her love and support is not enough anymore to keep me alive. I love her so much, but one day she won't be there for me anymore. I will never find another person who accepts and cares for me the way that she does. No one else will ever even attempt to put in as much effort into understanding me. But I treat her like shit. I get overstimulated and I take it out on her. Still, she doesn't get mad at me. She gives me my space and then later comes back to comfort me. I really don't deserve her.
My mom has really been pushing to get me help without hospitalization. It has been so hard to get a therapist. I had an appointment today with someone from a rapid care program, and I felt like she didn't care about my story or what I was going through at all. I told her that I just felt bad, and she told me to try to do something I enjoy. Lmao. Like I hadn't thought of that? I try to do things that I used to enjoy, and it just causes me to come to resent them.
I've been showering every day and keeping my space clean. I've tried drinking more water, cutting out soda, eating healthier, and I've even started going for 20-60 minute walks around 4-5 times a week, no matter how much I don't want to. Nothing is working. I feel like at this point, I really have tried everything.
I have 1 friend that I barely talk to who lives an hour away from me. He has a lot more friends than just me, so I feel like a burden to him and that he just stays friends with me because he feels bad. I doubt we'll still be friends in a few months, because I never can keep any of my friends. I feel like a burden to everyone, including therapists. I truly believe that the pain I cause others by staying alive outweighs the pain they would experience from my passing.
To get back to my original point, I don't think it's fair to my roommates at all if I were to move in with them in the state that I am in. But simply not going to university is not an option for me. I either have to learn to manage my emotions within the next month, or I have to end it all. College is the last piece of normalcy that I have in my life. I have always tied my value to academic validation. I've hurt so many people in the past because I was in pain, and I'm done. I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore, even if that means hurting myself.
I'm not entirely set on a method yet, though I've considered everything. I just want to make sure that when I do it, it works. If I get hospitalized for an attempt, it would decrease the quality of my already miserable life drastically.
Sorry that this was kind of all over the place. I just have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to :(
The only thing that's keeping me going right now is my mom. I got very lucky having a mom who understands mental health and does what she can to support me. But I just feel like her love and support is not enough anymore to keep me alive. I love her so much, but one day she won't be there for me anymore. I will never find another person who accepts and cares for me the way that she does. No one else will ever even attempt to put in as much effort into understanding me. But I treat her like shit. I get overstimulated and I take it out on her. Still, she doesn't get mad at me. She gives me my space and then later comes back to comfort me. I really don't deserve her.
My mom has really been pushing to get me help without hospitalization. It has been so hard to get a therapist. I had an appointment today with someone from a rapid care program, and I felt like she didn't care about my story or what I was going through at all. I told her that I just felt bad, and she told me to try to do something I enjoy. Lmao. Like I hadn't thought of that? I try to do things that I used to enjoy, and it just causes me to come to resent them.
I've been showering every day and keeping my space clean. I've tried drinking more water, cutting out soda, eating healthier, and I've even started going for 20-60 minute walks around 4-5 times a week, no matter how much I don't want to. Nothing is working. I feel like at this point, I really have tried everything.
I have 1 friend that I barely talk to who lives an hour away from me. He has a lot more friends than just me, so I feel like a burden to him and that he just stays friends with me because he feels bad. I doubt we'll still be friends in a few months, because I never can keep any of my friends. I feel like a burden to everyone, including therapists. I truly believe that the pain I cause others by staying alive outweighs the pain they would experience from my passing.
To get back to my original point, I don't think it's fair to my roommates at all if I were to move in with them in the state that I am in. But simply not going to university is not an option for me. I either have to learn to manage my emotions within the next month, or I have to end it all. College is the last piece of normalcy that I have in my life. I have always tied my value to academic validation. I've hurt so many people in the past because I was in pain, and I'm done. I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore, even if that means hurting myself.
I'm not entirely set on a method yet, though I've considered everything. I just want to make sure that when I do it, it works. If I get hospitalized for an attempt, it would decrease the quality of my already miserable life drastically.
Sorry that this was kind of all over the place. I just have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to :(
