spooky_kxtty
Chaos
- Feb 20, 2023
- 41
I've just hurt so many people in the past; stuff they can't forgive and I can't ever forgive myself for. I keep going back into this pattern where I think I can improve and I hold onto this hope of improving so I don't hurt anyone and I can be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect partner but recently my boyfriend told me he's scared of becoming toxic for me and is thinking about ending things, and part of it is my fault bc I made it worse. And then I did something thst hurt him more than anyone else has and he's been hurt so much, I wanted to be the one that helps him be happy but idk anymore. I've always known I don't deserve him and now I can't bear living knowing how much I've hurt ppl or especially the one I love. I don't think anything I do can take back what I did and after everything I don't think I deserve any type of happiness. I've distanced myself from a lot of ppl as not making anymore friends means less people know me but I can't hurt the ones I love by dying either. I've tried for years now to get better and nothing works . I get better for a while and then always duck it up. I can't exist… I shouldn't but I can't hurt him again either.
