Discussion Not really wanting to get better?

[Done_With_It_All]

I feel like most people have this desire to get better, like if someone gets cancer, they are like "I don't want this, I want to get healthy again." But I feel like my depression is just like "I don't really feel like I want to get better, just let it take me"

Has anybody felt that before? Has it gone away?

 

[halleyscomet]

For me, no. I started feeling like this a year or so ago hasn't gone away.

I kind of forget about it sometimes, when I'm busy with people, but as soon as I'm on my own I'm washed over with this intense fatigue and I'm reminded that I'm probably not going to get better so why even bother.

I don't care what happens to me, I'm already dead.

 

[Ociv]

yeah exactly. Ive always thought that was weird, but its good to know others feel the same. for some reason its almost like having bad things happen feels good. like its gratifying. maybe subconciously we think we deserve it? maybe we feel that the bad things will justify our ideation? maybe its just mental self-harm?

 

[iloverachel]

At times yes
Sometimes I want to get better because who likes to feel awful all the time
Other times I kind of want to get worse so that can push me to ctb

 

[Forever Sleep]

'Getting better' for me would involve confronting things that frighten me- like social anxieties. It would mean opening myself up to (very probable) failure trying to go for jobs. Very probable rejection/abandonment if I looked to create friendships and/or a relationship. Both of which could easily cause me to feel even worse!

Personally, I'm sick of having to make big decisions and big risks in life. The rewards don't seem worth the effort. I've actually really been enjoying my 'f*ck this' attitude. Treading water is what appeals to me the most at the moment- until I don't have to anymore. There's something terribly comforting about telling yourself that you're simply not going to push yourself to go through traumatic things in the faint hopes they may make you feel better in the long run. I think this constant drive to improve and succeed can actually be one of the things making us so unhappy.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

I've actually really been enjoying my 'f*ck this' attitude.

lmao, me too.

 

[tbroken]

I feel like most people have this desire to get better, like if someone gets cancer, they are like "I don't want this, I want to get healthy again." But I feel like my depression is just like "I don't really feel like I want to get better, just let it take me"

Has anybody felt that before? Has it gone away?

Imagine that i know a guy that got cancer during adolescence, he fought, he recovered and he is proud of that.
I had also problems(not big as cancer in any possible way) but i kept them for myself and i developed depression later, when i made the full realization of what happened to me. In my case (which could not be your) i need something that makes me smile and give me back the things i lost: which are mostly time, money, peace of mind and some experiences.
Many just say: don't think about depression, just go and make something out of life, which i partially did and maybe this can work for you also.
Other ppl are depressed also and have many problems, go out and find something that you may like and put all your soul in it.
Once you are depressed and alone, it is like you have nothing left and when you have nothing left, there is all to conquer.

Btw this is the third time in my life that i feel exactly like you, i don't want to get better. One of the few things that are keeping me here is my mother, she knows me, she knows that I'm not bad and I am just depressed. And i feel bad when i think to kms and that she will not know until i did it. She was also a really good mother to me during youth.

 

[Abyssal]

I think that's something that brings many here. Getting better doesn't sound appealing to me, even though it should. It's why I joined sasu originally, to find an alternate cure.

The battle is its own hell, I don't want to fight it.

 

[vitbar]

'Getting better' for me would involve confronting things that frighten me- like social anxieties. It would mean opening myself up to (very probable) failure trying to go for jobs. Very probable rejection/abandonment if I looked to create friendships and/or a relationship. Both of which could easily cause me to feel even worse!

This right here. Right now I'm making another attempt at getting better, but it frankly terrifies me.

Also when my depression is really bad I know what actions cause me to spiral and find them tempting. I self-sabotage constantly. I get this urge to metaphorically push myself closer and closer to the edge. I find myself hoping that I'll fall.

 

[AllMyDreams]

Why depression is so hard to beat because it makes you actively not want to get better

There were a million things I could've done today to feel better but I didn't do them. I mostly just lay in my bed today