Not much has changed!

[StellaArtoix]

Its weird being back in the land of the living and back here after almost successfully killing myself and being on life support for almost a month. Coming too and realising i was still alive was probably one of the worst things ive ever been through in my life and thats saying something. Then finding out youve been on life support for almost a month and got so close even more depressing. I felt so sure I would never see the light of day again. Thats what happens when you put a bullet in your head. Im still in hospital and its going to be a while before i get out of here. Alot of physio to get through to be able to relearn how to do alot of stuff again. I took my first few steps yesterday. My legs didnt feel like they were mine tho. They actually didnt think id be able to walk again but as soon as i can Im out of here to try again and this time im never coming back.
The site looks so odd. When did this happen this new look? I was also surprised to still see a few people that seem to have been on here for forever. I guess they just dont ever want to leave SS. Funnier still theyre still posting about the same thing, almost verbatim what they were posting a month ago....
Sadly (because i hoped to speak to them) it seems a few people arent here anymore :(

 

[Passerby]

I'm praying you make it in life going forward now, surely, is it not you're time yet, life may still have plans for you.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a challenging situation. Are you in pain still? What will the rest of your recovery look like? Have you talked with a psychiatrist?

 

[StellaArtoix]

Hey Passerby, thanks but not sure i want this world. Even after whats happened, especially after whats happened I dont want another round of life. I hated the first round and i dont think much of how the second round is going.

 

[StellaArtoix]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a challenging situation. Are you in pain still? What will the rest of your recovery look like? Have you talked with a psychiatrist?

Yeh in alot of pain. Not quite sure what hurts most right now. Funnily enough not my head. Maybe my legs are the worst. They dont feel like their mine and the pain is unbelievable. Im on a constnt fentanyl drip and it helps some but doesnt take all the pain away. Im having to relearn to walk again as well which is hard,along with quite a few other things and im tired all the time.

I was only gone for the weekend and found the sign in to be different.
You are stronger than you realized. I am surprised they are not moderating your communication on the computer. Do they have you in therapy also?

They are.Theyre letting me use my laptop to help me with writing and helping mi thought process.im only allowed on it for short bursts and then their runnign in here to take it off me. This is my first day on it.Thankgod for (cant think of the word.....when your typing and it corrects spelling?????).Anyway that.

 

[DyingAlf]

Hey StellaArtiox
I'm new here but I recognise your name from when I was a lurker.
The new look of the site only happened yesterday (? I think).
I'm sorry your attempt didn't work I know, from experience, the feeling of waking up & realising "shit I'm still alive!".
I'm lucky to not have done myself any lasting damage. Sorry you have all the pain & damage to deal with on top of everything else.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's good to see you again. I sorry you had to and are still dealing with that. I can imagine how unpleasant it is to think you're going to die then wake up. You can go back to the old SS format in settings if you like. I suppose you missed the brain stem?

 

[StellaArtoix]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a challenging situation. Are you in pain still? What will the rest of your recovery look like? Have you talked with a psychiatrist?

Sorry just read what you said about a psyhcitrist. Yep shes in here a cuple of times each day.Shes actually really nice which is surprising cos usually they hate people that try to off themselves.Shes bought me in alot of stuff,even stayed to watch part of a mvie with me(i fell asleep during it)thats why only part of movie. Hey do you know jumperGeo? Do you know where he is?

Hey StellaArtiox
I'm new here but I recognise your name from when I was a lurker.
The new look of the site only happened yesterday (? I think).
I'm sorry your attempt didn't work I know, from experience, the feeling of waking up & realising "shit I'm still alive!".
I'm lucky to not have done myself any lasting damage. Sorry you have all the pain & damage to deal with on top of everything else.

hey ex lurker.Do you like being here now? Yeh sux coming round and realsising you fucked it up.Worst thing ever.Especislly fucking it up and being in my state.learnign things over again cos youve fucked up certain parts of your brain and the pain from nerve damage is unreal and constant. As soon as im able to get out of here ill make sure i dont make the same mistake.

 

[Eren]

I remember you speaking on the SN thread. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must be horrible to wake up and see that you are still living, I hope you can recover soon.

Hugs.

 

[Peter_pan90]

Did you survive a bullet to your head? Im so sorry, hope you recover quickly.

 

[StellaArtoix]

I remember you speaking on the SN thread. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must be horrible to wake up and see that you are still living, I hope you can recover soon.

Hugs.

Thnks.Finding it a bit hard as i get quite confused sometimes. Cant find my way around this site even lik i used to. It was the worst thing ever waking up and being alive.If i was capable of killing myself at that moment i wud have.yeh i want to get out of here to do the job properly but its going to be along time before i get out.Eren im looking for someone that was here but i cant remember how to use the site well enough to try find him/.JumperGeo do you know him?

Did you survive a bullet to your head? Im so sorry, hope you recover quickly.

yes unfortunitly.

 

[Peter_pan90]

Thnks.Finding it a bit hard as i get quite confused sometimes. Cant find my way around this site even lik i used to. It was the worst thing ever waking up and being alive.If i was capable of killing myself at that moment i wud have.yeh i want to get out of here to do the job properly but its going to be along time before i get out.Eren im looking for someone that was here but i cant remember how to use the site well enough to try find him/.JumperGeo do you know him?

yes unfortunitly.

It's like they say. When it's not out time. It's not our time. After reading your story I believe that now. Speedy recovery! Guess you're needed here on earth! Don't be upset at my comment. Meant it well.

 

[StellaArtoix]

It's like they say. When it's not out time. It's not our time. After reading your story I believe that now. Speedy recovery! Guess you're needed here on earth! Don't be upset at my comment. Meant it well.

hey not upset.you didnt say anything wrong.obviously not my time.

 

[Peter_pan90]

hey not upset.you didnt say anything wrong.obviously not my time.

I've tried to OD many times heroin IV! Enough to kill and always end up waking up even if it's for 2 days.

 

[DyingAlf]

The last post I can find from Jumper geo is Aug 02nd, so I don't know if they're still around but their name is not crossed out.
You could write "@ name" (eg @DyingAlf) to alert them to this thread.

 

[Futile]

Sorry if it's a bit insensitive, but can I ask you how was it like? Like it went all black and one second after you were in the hospital?

 

[Eren]

Thnks.Finding it a bit hard as i get quite confused sometimes. Cant find my way around this site even lik i used to. It was the worst thing ever waking up and being alive.If i was capable of killing myself at that moment i wud have.yeh i want to get out of here to do the job properly but its going to be along time before i get out.Eren im looking for someone that was here but i cant remember how to use the site well enough to try find him/.JumperGeo do you know him?

yes unfortunitly.

Sorry, I don't know who it is.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I am very sorry that you had to go through all this.
Sending you love

 

[StellaArtoix]

The last post I can find from Jumper geo is Aug 02nd, so I don't know if they're still around but their name is not crossed out.
You could write "@ name" (eg @DyingAlf) to alert them to this thread.

No worries, found him. Worried hed gone without saying goodbye. Problems with his computer.

I am very sorry that you had to go through all this.
Sending you love

Thats kind of you KiraLittleOwl, thanku

Sorry if it's a bit insensitive, but can I ask you how was it like? Like it went all black and one second after you were in the hospital?

I dont remember much at all. I think i remember hearing the gun but then im not sure whether i just thought i did. I dont re,e,ber anything going black or anything after i pulled the trigger, only coming around in hospital. I was aware first of all of noise, not talking just noise and then pain. My legs were in pain but i dont think that was long before i opened my eyes and then i remember lots of alarms going off,which turned out to be because i had woken up and was struggling with the tube in my mouth,then Doctors and nurses running into my room. Then i actually went out again and then a few days later i come to the second time for good. I keep thinking i heard the gun but i dont know that i could have., so idk

I've tried to OD many times heroin IV! Enough to kill and always end up waking up even if it's for 2 days.

Been there before, with Heroin too. Wow your lucky to be alive then.So why do you find yourself here?

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry your attempt failed and that you're in so much pain.
May I ask what kind of gun you used, what caliber, where you aimed? I'd like to avoid making the same mistake.

 

[StellaArtoix]

Im afraid im not too good with knowledge about guns. I bought a berretta off someone and used that. i have no idea about caliber. I put the gun to the side of my head. There wasnt alot of planning involved in it, which certainly wasnt my original intention. Its just the way it worked out on this particuar day. Something had happened that morning with this person i know and id just had enough. Was sick of fucken life. Sometimes things just dont work out like you thought. I came on SS before this happened with a different plan in mind but this is what happened on that day.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Probably 9mm if it was a Barretta. I wouldn't attempt with a 9mm, but I know desperate times call for desperate measures, and you didn't know any better. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Fortunately, the gun I have at hand is a British battle rifle. Should explode my head like a watermelon. It'll be messy, but what will I care - I'll be dead.

 

[tidalwxves]

Its weird being back in the land of the living and back here after almost successfully killing myself and being on life support for almost a month. Coming too and realising i was still alive was probably one of the worst things ive ever been through in my life and thats saying something. Then finding out youve been on life support for almost a month and got so close even more depressing. I felt so sure I would never see the light of day again. Thats what happens when you put a bullet in your head. Im still in hospital and its going to be a while before i get out of here. Alot of physio to get through to be able to relearn how to do alot of stuff again. I took my first few steps yesterday. My legs didnt feel like they were mine tho. They actually didnt think id be able to walk again but as soon as i can Im out of here to try again and this time im never coming back.
The site looks so odd. When did this happen this new look? I was also surprised to still see a few people that seem to have been on here for forever. I guess they just dont ever want to leave SS. Funnier still theyre still posting about the same thing, almost verbatim what they were posting a month ago....
Sadly (because i hoped to speak to them) it seems a few people arent here anymore :(

Thanks for sharing this, I hope your healing process goes as smoothly as possible. I can only imagine how you must have felt when you woke up. What kind of support are you looking for on this site at this point?

 

[StellaArtoix]

As soon as I am able to walk and hopefully leave hospital I'm going to do it right this time.

Probably 9mm if it was a Barretta. I wouldn't attempt with a 9mm, but I know desperate times call for desperate measures, and you didn't know any better. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Fortunately, the gun I have at hand is a British battle rifle. Should explode my head like a watermelon. It'll be messy, but what will I care - I'll be dead.

Ha ha yeh that would have been what I would have done. Everything was on the spur of the moment. I had actually planned to use propofol. I has a run in with this person whose been harassing me for years and is had enough. I was actually going to get her first then me but I was seen with the gun by police and shot myself in front of them. End of story I thought.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I want to send you another virtual hug. I can't imagine what you're going through. You're honestly kind of a hero to me — to be so brave to go through with it. I'm such chicken shit. I wish you weren't in pain.

 

[StellaArtoix]

Wisdom319 im not brave at all and you r not chicken shit.So just because you think you couldnt shoot yourself in the head or take your life you think that your not brave? I didnt intend to shoot myself that day. it was just the way things kinda happened & believe it or not if you had been in the same position i was in,in that moment and leading up to it that morning,maybe you would have done exactly the same thing i did. Brave has. nothing to do with what i did.being alive is brave you know.being alive,trying to keep yourself alive each day is brave cos its so fucking hard to do.Thats brave.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm not a violent person. I've never held a gun. I hate guns, actually. I'd be one of those "radical liberals" marching for increased gun control.

Even so, I've fantasized about death by gun. I've had exceptionally violent fantasies surrounding my own death, to be honest. I hate even admitting that.

I get that it's brave to stay alive. But I think it's also brave to choose a course of action that is extremely difficult, but it's what you know is right. If you're convinced that you should die, I think being able to go through with it shows a great amount of courage. To have failed and been seriously injured in the process and then to try again — I see that as even greater bravery.

 

[clayp]

hope you feel better , that's quite a testimony. Do you plan to do it again?

 

[StellaArtoix]

hope you feel better , that's quite a testimony. Do you plan to do it again?

I didn't plan it this time. More in the heat of the moment. After a fight with someone.Next time will most definately be planned. Working on it as we speak.