9 Months ago my boyfriend cheated on me almost daily for over a month, not physical sex, online sexting with maybe 20+ women. It was soul destroying, i didnt know how to cope i lashed out when i found out and left his house to go confide in my best friend and her boyfriend. We hung out at her house and got drunk and it somehow turned into a threesome. I regret it deeply she had been my friend of many years and there had never been anything even suggestive or sexual between us before, on a normal day this wouldnt have been something i wouldve partook in or gone through with, but i was angry hurt and beyond drunk. My boyfriend and i continued the relationship and 9 months on it still eats at him. Im not a cheater it goes against everything i stand for i feel sick to my stomach when i think about what i did. One half of my brain says he has no right to be upset he did it first and on a bigger scale , then the other half tells me im worse because atleast his wasnt physical sex, then again mine was one night and his was over a month. Mine was a mistake, his was a conscious decision he made and actively lied to me about for weeks. I didnt even learn the true number of how many girls it was until two months later. Im so conflicted but the result of each narrative i go through with myself all results in the same outcome. Kill myself because he cheated on me or kill myself because im a cheat and a terrible person. Its been 9 months and i still cant move on. I know this isnt reddit which is where people usually post this kind of thing but back when this all happened i did post to reddit and i was bombarded with the unhelpful "break up" . I know its the logical decision to most people but it isnt one for me. I love this man dearly but even without the cheating there is so much he does that hurts me. But i hurt him that night and i cant forgive myself. There isnt anywhere else i can vent about such an irrational situation.
Suicidebydeath
No chances to be happy - dead inside
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3,559
I think justifying it is your method of coping, so try not to worry about that. Don't worry about your friend, she wouldn't have gone through with it if there wasn't something there.
Sexting is cheating, so your bf cheated first. Tell yourself that your bf would've turned that physical if he could. You don't know whether he did or not, but he broke trust by being unfaithful. I'm glad that it still eats at him, punishment is the best deterrent. Going unpunished makes most people continue bad behaviour.
Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Sexting is cheating, so your bf cheated first. Tell yourself that your bf would've turned that physical if he could. You don't know whether he did or not, but he broke trust by being unfaithful. I'm glad that it still eats at him, punishment is the best deterrent. Going unpunished makes most people continue bad behaviour.
Try not to be too hard on yourself.
MyChoiceAlone
sleep deprived and/or drunk
- Jul 23, 2023
- 1,212
i'm sure you know that most relationships fall apart. it has been 9 months and you're still together. that's great. try to move on and enjoy the time you have together. what happened happened and is in the past. no point in ruining your relationship after all this time. people have broken up over much less. a long time ago, i cheated on someone. i could have just shoved it under the rug but i couldn't live with the guilt so i confessed. she told me to never call her again. i haven't and i always regretted it.
SexyIncél
🍭my lollipop brings the feminists to my candyshop
- Aug 16, 2022
- 1,482
Ok, we're in Ugly Town, where we'll deal with complexities & facts that ideologues would rather run away from screaming
Who did he sext with? Onlyfans gals? Friends? Dating apps? Randos who may very well be dudes?
Why did he do it?
What exactly hurts you? Do you feel territorial? Or is it the lying? The cowardice of not just talking with you about his desires; so you could figure it out together?
Who's viscerally hurt/disgusted more? How have your sex lives changed before & throughout the events?
One common model is that it's worst when a guy cheats emotionally; and a gal sexually. A guy can boink a variety of gals, but have no emotional attachment; harder for a gal
He no doubt is pissed because your friend's bf totally cucked him; pwned both you & his girl
You may want to negotiate. I'm guessing his perspective is: he wants to gain back his self-esteem by having so many threesomes with you, that he'll thank that guy for loosening the jar of your relationship, winking because he's got a way funner life than most guys probably dream of
But what you do YOU want? What would erase the bad taste from your mouth? Groveling? Debauchery? Him cutting off one of his fingers like a Yakuza who fucked up?
Suicidebydeath
No chances to be happy - dead inside
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3,559
(assume OP is f but using they/them to be sure)
Well, personally I don't think there should be any "negotiation" at all. Cheating is cheating and if OP wanted an open relationship they would've said so, I don't think that is in the spirit of this thread personally. Also cheating /= a plausible avenue into that anyway.
I also don't think the suggestions for what they want are appropriate, being somewhat deliberately exaggerated suggestions if you ask me, personally.
I think OP deserves an apology from bf, a promise that he won't do it again, and that he should rectify his ongoing behaviour that still hurts OP. That's reasonable if their partner is committed to the relationship. I don't think OP should blame themselves, I've had friends that have done similar things. Cheating first is inexcusable and that's their partner's problem.
Well, personally I don't think there should be any "negotiation" at all. Cheating is cheating and if OP wanted an open relationship they would've said so, I don't think that is in the spirit of this thread personally. Also cheating /= a plausible avenue into that anyway.
I also don't think the suggestions for what they want are appropriate, being somewhat deliberately exaggerated suggestions if you ask me, personally.
I think OP deserves an apology from bf, a promise that he won't do it again, and that he should rectify his ongoing behaviour that still hurts OP. That's reasonable if their partner is committed to the relationship. I don't think OP should blame themselves, I've had friends that have done similar things. Cheating first is inexcusable and that's their partner's problem.
SexyIncél
🍭my lollipop brings the feminists to my candyshop
- Aug 16, 2022
- 1,482
So people don't think I'm biased, I've advised a gal to monkeybranch to another guy — which by definition involves cheating on him. So I'm fine taking the gloves off
In this situation, I asked clarification questions to give us a deeper understanding, then suggested she "may want to negotiate". I'm probing. Her reactions to my probes are useful information, in struggling with her & offering effective advice
Some information she gave:
- She didn't want to be "bombarded with the unhelpful 'break up'" advice
- She said "I love this man dearly", which means we should give his interests some consideration
- He perhaps does much emotional labor: "I cant be alone because when i am the only thoughts that consume my head every second of the day is suicide, because there is literally nothing else to give my attention to." ... " "it must be torture to spend even 10 minutes with me and i feel so guilty about it."
So it looks like negotiation is a plausible option. And competent negotiation means finding out both sides' deeper interests, to craft a great deal for both. Both sides can give up what they don't really care about, to get what they truly do
One alternative is eternal moral outrage & lording it over him. That may work... for a miserable-ass relationship... but if it doesn't, I'd rather not be responsible for him cracking & one day deciding to look for someone more conventional. Thereby shattering the last remnants of the OP. No, we learned some info about him. Like many guys, he seems to desire sexual variety. Can the OP work with that, without feeling betrayed?
Speaking of negotiation principles, it may be the case that he can walk away from the relationship easier. Because her alternative is death. This should be kept in mind
Now, if there's anything she disagrees with, we can fix our mental models & proceed
theboy
Illuminated
- Jul 15, 2022
- 3,020
some were onlyfans girls and majority were randos he met on an app, it wasnt just sexting each girl once and then ditching, he'd have day to day conversations to them about his life and small talk and sexting them during the nights. It was the lying to my face for so long that hurts me most, and the texts i saw praising these women for being "the hottest girl" he's "ever seen".
The situation effects my day to day life i always think about it, im often physically upset about it, he generally only outwardly expresses that he is effected by it every other month or so, like the day i made the original post.
Sex is 0 atm, we used to have sex daily before/during/and after the cheating, now its every other week or once a week at most. Thats only as of recently because he has stopped watching porn so his sex drive has plummeted. After the initial cheating sex was emotionally painful for me on some level but i always obliged and offered everyday to somewhat try to satisfy him more so he wouldnt look for it elsewhere. ive never said no which is what confuses me because he has an unlimited access to sex so i cant comprehend why it isnt enough.
You hit the nail on the head with the threesome thing. We had already had a threesome with a girl before he cheated, he said he didnt like it and wouldnt want to do it again. After he cheated though he did ask for more threesomes which i would go ahead and try to arrange but ultimately he decided he didnt want them in the end.
The guy didnt "loosen the jar" of our relationship. I am very open and experimental and he has always known that, there isnt anything i wouldnt try once. The only thing i do not like of course is cheating. After pushing him to look deeper into the reason why he cheated bc the answer "idk" didnt suffice me, he explained that he thinks he cheated because i get alot of attention from men online and when i go out, and he's never had that with women, im his first girlfriend, it was some form of jealousy and insecurity that he said lead to him doing it. I guess he wanted to prove to himself people found him attractive, which i sympathize with but it doesnt take away any of the pain it caused.
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SexyIncél
🍭my lollipop brings the feminists to my candyshop
- Aug 16, 2022
- 1,482
Sorry for the long post, feel free to skim...
Hmm, getting 20 gfs experience under his belt, like playing simultaneous poker hands online... so he can feel like The Man when he faces you?
Would that make you feel better, if he did it so he could feel like an experienced relationship god to you?
I ordinarily find that looping thoughts are your unconscious trying to tell you something. (Do you feel it in your stomach? There's a dense collection of neurons there that's basically a 2nd brain — the "gut brain" — it can even get Alzheimer's)
As a pure guess, maybe it's warning you that he's unreliable. Sneakiness, weakness, envy, indecision, First Relationship Syndrome... While you've got real problems & depend on him utterly!
So he's got this mechanism within him, driving him to crazy things. And it's still there — even if momentarily inactive! Your unconscious may be trying to make you see the invisible. Like a sense. You can't turn it off, like you can't turn off your ears
And he goes "I dunno". He doesn't sound so communicative/introspective. But ideally, the Right Thing would be to give you a window into his head — and hard-won confidence that it can't ever happen again. Personally, I don't fuck with jealousy/betrayal; that's literally the #1 thing I try to make clear in a relationship with a person of moral virtue. We're a team, I have her back. If we have a problem, we work it out
I wonder though... are you guys together all the time? Then he doesn't get breathing room to think. Guys often need time alone. His lack of introspection might need to be improved by a specialist in male psychology, dunno. He needs practice admitting his weaknesses to a guy who can understand. (Not to a woman, because he desires female recognition & can't be honest)
I think... it was never about the other girls, nor even sex. His desire is about how others see HIM. As an anthropologist mentioned:
A lot of people don't seem to understand sex, no matter how much they do it... It looks like he's lost. I wrote up my understanding of it, hopefully somehow helpful to you guys. (btw, Alexey Welsh may help)
Yeah, anyway we're here for you (not him), since you're the OP. And crippling anxiety or no, you sound like an honorable hardworking gf. He's screwing that up, with his inner impulses
Ahh gotcha yeah, pride before the fall. A guy simply never tells other gals "You're the hottest girl I've ever seen". Not only is that maybe the #2 biggest betrayal of your gf (#1 is straight-up love) — it's pure simping! I'm sure you take some comfort that he couldn't have seriously meant it. Mr Player was juggling 20 girls, saying any bullshit to get their recognition
Hmm, getting 20 gfs experience under his belt, like playing simultaneous poker hands online... so he can feel like The Man when he faces you?
Would that make you feel better, if he did it so he could feel like an experienced relationship god to you?I ordinarily find that looping thoughts are your unconscious trying to tell you something. (Do you feel it in your stomach? There's a dense collection of neurons there that's basically a 2nd brain — the "gut brain" — it can even get Alzheimer's)
As a pure guess, maybe it's warning you that he's unreliable. Sneakiness, weakness, envy, indecision, First Relationship Syndrome... While you've got real problems & depend on him utterly!
So he's got this mechanism within him, driving him to crazy things. And it's still there — even if momentarily inactive! Your unconscious may be trying to make you see the invisible. Like a sense. You can't turn it off, like you can't turn off your ears
And he goes "I dunno". He doesn't sound so communicative/introspective. But ideally, the Right Thing would be to give you a window into his head — and hard-won confidence that it can't ever happen again. Personally, I don't fuck with jealousy/betrayal; that's literally the #1 thing I try to make clear in a relationship with a person of moral virtue. We're a team, I have her back. If we have a problem, we work it out
I wonder though... are you guys together all the time? Then he doesn't get breathing room to think. Guys often need time alone. His lack of introspection might need to be improved by a specialist in male psychology, dunno. He needs practice admitting his weaknesses to a guy who can understand. (Not to a woman, because he desires female recognition & can't be honest)
Yeah, it's guys' annoying desire for variety. Killing his variety (nofap) probably kills his sex drive
I think... it was never about the other girls, nor even sex. His desire is about how others see HIM. As an anthropologist mentioned:
A lot of people don't seem to understand sex, no matter how much they do it... It looks like he's lost. I wrote up my understanding of it, hopefully somehow helpful to you guys. (btw, Alexey Welsh may help)
Real talk: this guy sounds like he's pushing you to have a backup plan, if he doesn't work out
The Schizoid
Specialist
- Oct 24, 2023
- 306
Nah sorry, this is bullshit. Equating sexy texts to actual physical sex is ridiculous.
Even if it is a form of betrayal, there are different degrees of betrayal.
Are you people seriously saying you have no preference to your partner sexting other guys/girls or actually fucking them?
Sexting can happen between people who are literally thousands of miles away from each other. It's just two people talking dirty and fantasizing. That doesn't make it ok, but actual sex can lead to pregnancy, std's and often may act as a substitute for your partner getting sex from you, where as sexting will not. The consequences of actual sex far outweigh the consequences of sexting which is equivalent to basically online roleplaying.
I'm not excusing those who sext other girls/guys, but equating it to actual sex is stupid, and any one on this thread who uses "my bf sexted a girl/guy" as if it somehow makes you cheating not as bad...
Any of you who think like this are just stupid and childish.
When your partner/friends betray you, don't use that as an excuse to sink to their level or below.
Suicidebydeath
No chances to be happy - dead inside
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3,559
What exactly is so difficult for you to understand? I said sexting is cheating, I didn't compare the two. You just wasted 7 lines on a strawman. So it just looks like you're trying to justify cheating. You're not doing that, right? Right?? Make it make sense brother.
The Schizoid
Specialist
- Oct 24, 2023
- 306
You're "not comparing the two" and yet you literally label them with the same word, and imply strongly in your message as if the sexting of OP's partner justifies what OP did OR at least mitigates from it, which is NOT the right way to think about it. A mature individual doesn't start trying to excuse themselves of their own bad behaviour because of the mistakes of others. Your post is self evident of a vindictive, immature mindset, which I hope doesn't rub off on OP.
You're telling the OP they shouldn't beat themselves up over shagging other people to cheat on their partner, yet you show spite to their partner, saying that "punishment is the best deterrent" and you're glad it eats a way at him? That's ridiculous. You're literally showing sympathy towards a person who arguably committed a worse crime but scorn and disdain towards a person that's potentially a lesser offender? Yes you could argue OP's partner started it, but lets not get like children and be "you started it" as if it really matters when you're an actual mature adult!! And mature adults try to find solutions to these problems, not just "you did this? Fine, so now I'm going to hurt you and you have no right to complain" mentality, which makes it worse for literally everyone!
So OP shouldn't feel THAT bad but their partner should, despite the fact that a very reasonable argument could be made that OP's sins outweighed their partners?
In fact it objectively does, because actual physical sex can have much greater consequences.
@Vanillaicyys -
OP you're right to feel very guilty about what you did, but I don't think you're a horrible person. You were justifiably upset, but don't use what others do as an excuse to sink to their level or worse. You made a mistake and you've acknowledged that, and hopefully you wont do the same thing in the future.
Don't be like @Suicidebydeath and use other people's mistakes to try and justify and mitigate from your own. His/her mindset is completely wrong on this subject and shouldn't be in anyway an inspiration to you.
Please DON'T let this persons words rub off on you. OP you're a good person at heart, and you need to learn from this experience. If it happens in the future just dump the person as you realise you deserve better, or talk with the individual. Stay on the high ground by not allowing yourself to fall to their level.
Realise getting revenge often just makes things worse. Lambast, criticize, call your partner a piece of shit, just don't do what they did.
You're a good person OP.
I'm out of this thread now, people like @Suicidebydeath put me in a bad mood, mainly because they're in a position to influence others with their immaturity.
Good luck to you OP. I wont be coming back to this thread. You're a good person OP.
You are showing self awareness. You're far from irredeemable, and despite your actions being bad, from what you've described you at least seem like you have some degree of conscience and self awareness which your partner does not.
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Suicidebydeath
No chances to be happy - dead inside
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3,559
Is it possible he's manipulating your feelings? You said you weren't having sex too which could be another form of manipulation. Asking for threesomes after you had one seems like holding that over your head, did you ever feel like you had to have them afterwards when he asked for them?
I'm not seeing a balanced relationship, you say you have to do things with him even when you don't want to, just to please him.
