Venting bf downplayed my grooming experience

[nawee]

I was groomed by an 18 year old when I was 12 years old, before I even knew what grooming was. I've known my bf since 2015 but we only dated in recent years, so back then we did date but since we were kids it wasnt that serious. We kept breaking up and stuff, but then this 18 year old came and saw my vournable situation and swooped me away from him (I never cheated, I just dated the 18 year old after we broke up for the 5th time).
I had explicitly talked to him how the groomer had fetishized the fact that I am petite, I naturally look younger than I am.. the fact that I'm 4'10 at 18 years old.

For a little context, but main story is down below ^

But years later, 2023 he tells me about his experience where he was 14 talking to a woman who was at the time 18 - 20, who groomed him. I was very supportive of him and I tried to comfort him the best I could, telling him nothing was his fault even if he himself said that he feels like its partly his fault.
I loved him and gave him all my kindness I could possibly give.
Later in early 2023 we get into an argument about my grooming experience, he is mainly mad because the groomer "stole" me away from him and he was jealous of it.
He compared my grooming experience to him being used by a girl whom I had warned him about, though he back then left me for anyway even if I gave him 10 million warnings durning our silly relationship.
I later find out he talked shit about me to his friend, they both talked about how it was my choice to even get with the 18 year old years back when I was just 12 years old, that I'm not a victim and that I'm dramatic for even getting upset that he'd make such comparisons.
Him and his best friend both victim blaming me, for dating a guy who sexualized me for being so young and cute.
Why would he do this to me? Why couldnt he give me the kindness I gave him when he told me about his experience what did I even do to deserve to be victim blamed?? to his friend behind my back?
In 2023 we were both 18 (or turning 18).
Its been months since that, he apologized since I found out but I still feel like absolute shit about it I don't know how to cope and I cant stop thinking about it now

 

[mortuarymary]

Walk away NOW!
He sounds an absolute shit.

 

[sammiechzxv]

The biggest red flag. Dump him oml

 

[thinvy]

I'm gonna agree, dump his ass. Clearly he doesn't respect you. There's no such thing as the suffering Olympics anyways, so who cares "who was hurt more"? Clearly you were still hurt. Moreover, I doubt he got your permission to talk about what happened to you with his friend, and that's another violation of trust and respect.

I know it can really suck to end long term relationships, especially long term friendships, but I don't think this one will do you any good to say in it. I know I know practically nothing about your bf but he's a right cunt

 

[SexyIncél]

Why would he do this to me? Why couldnt he give me the kindness I gave him when he told me about his experience what did I even do to deserve to be victim blamed?? to his friend behind my back?
[...]
Its been months since that, he apologized since I found out but I still feel like absolute shit about it I don't know how to cope and I cant stop thinking about it now

Gotta tell you an ugly truth about guys. Some say a gal must NEVER talk about other guys. I would generally agree

By way of illustration, many guys have a rule: NEVER cry in front of a gal. Sure, some may be cool with crying. But you never know. Even she likely doesn't know — his tears might give her 'the ick' & it's all over. She might even sit there gasping how to get her feelings back — hostage to her inexorable psychology. Even black feminist bell hooks got the ick, when she pushed her bf to open up. Irrelevant that women's tears evoke sympathy: current society's fucking unfair

So just because you were gracious, doesn't mean he can be. Guys are typically territorial. If you have looping thoughts from months ago, perhaps so does he. There's things you both can't unsay. And you never know how long it simmers within him, even though he says "Oh I'm fine with it bby, sorry bby" — then he strikes

 

[nawee]

Gotta tell you an ugly truth about guys. Some say a gal must NEVER talk about other guys. I would generally agree

By way of illustration, many guys have a rule: NEVER cry in front of a gal. Sure, some may be cool with crying. But you never know. Even she likely doesn't know — his tears might give her 'the ick' & it's all over. She might even sit there gasping how to get her feelings back — hostage to her inexorable psychology. Even black feminist bell hooks got the ick, when she pushed her bf to open up. Irrelevant that women's tears evoke sympathy: current society's fucking unfair

So just because you were gracious, doesn't mean he can be. Guys are typically territorial. If you have looping thoughts from months ago, perhaps so does he. There's things you both can't unsay. And you never know how long it simmers within him, even though he says "Oh I'm fine with it bby, sorry bby" — then he strikes

He's very open with how he feels whenever something bothers him or when he's sad, he has cried infront of me because I've worked hard to make him comfortable enough to do that infront of me.
But I just don't know why if we're together and I'm showing him my love he can't show it back, well he did but he PRETENDED to. Just to go shit talk me with his best friend the next day, if like you say (from what I've perceived) all guys are like this I don't think I'm ever going to be with one again or anyone in that matter.

And I didn't talk about other guys to him, we both experienced it together. We were in a past relationship, where we then broke up and then I was groomed by an 18 year old which he got jealous of. I never mention any of my exes to him, or any guy because I don't think about other guys until its brought up by someone else to me which is why I spiraled when I saw them talking shit like middle schoolers, they're both grown adults acting like they havent left middle school yet and it's just so annoying dealing with a man that is still mentally a child. I'm starting to dislike him as a person, everything or every attempt he does to try and repair everything he did to me just doesn't work and annoys me.
Its like his presence just annoys me in general, but it's still hard to leave because a part of me still loves him, oh well I hope I get the courage to leave him soon I honestly stopped caring about relationship boundaries after everything, just doesn't bother me anymore now that I've had time to think about it

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm starting to dislike him as a person, everything or every attempt he does to try and repair everything he did to me just doesn't work and annoys me.

Well, afaict you're seem morally next-level, compared to him. I say that sincerely; your ruminations strike me as those of a rational person who unfortunately might undervalue herself. He may improve — but also devolve before he improves. It only makes sense that you feel moral & intellectual contempt. The transition from HS to college will rocky af — with new temptations & mindsets

I'd imagine his changes aren't sufficiently fundamental. He's not retreating into himself a bit, dropping certain friends, and starting having REAL deep conversations with you (and certain others) to see if you're truly alignable...

Unreciprocated conscientiousness is a relationship killer. If you manage to maintain the relationship 5 years from now, you'll probably be staring contemptuously at him chewing his food & laughing. If you love him, feel free to make him grow by dumping him. Even by monkeybranching to another guy — which normally I don't condone, but I recall he cheated. The gloves come off

I imagine the difficulty is that he's charming; his ability to express his emotional gyrations garners sympathy?

Just to go shit talk me with his best friend the next day, if like you say (from what I've perceived) all guys are like this I don't think I'm ever going to be with one again or anyone in that matter.

There's unicorns. Hope you find them. And relationships aren't love

I think Aristotle was sadly right. There's pleasure-seekers (younger), utility-seekers (older) — and those with compatible virtue (rarer, because few put in the time & effort in leveling up their intellectual & moral virtues). Love/friendship based on the latter contains both pleasure & utility. And is the only one that's enduring — character persists, while pleasures & utility change

In modern parlance, these bins might be: players, leeches/hustlers & unicorns. (When describing women: hoes, gold diggers & unicorns)