Venting i dont deserve to be upset

[inboxeduser]

so to preface, i know im in the wrong im not stupid i knew i was in the wrong the entire time. im a horrible fucking person and i dont deserve to ever date anyone ever again. im still doing shitty things even now and i just dont know how to stop. i also have bpd and a raging self harm addiction that spans beyond just physically mutilating my body. i ruin my own life as well. idk i just dont want any judgement ik theres no excuse for any of the hurt ive caused him and ik i suck so bad for this
so why am i here why have i finally decided to stop just lurking and make an account and actually post, cause i never do this ever i dont post on any social medias or anything im a big lurker on everything, i just never have anything special or funny to say really. cause im finally actually considering it, i think ive finally officially done *the* big thing to just ruin my life. ive had two dreams back to back about finally ending it and theyve been so peaceful, ive come to terms with this being the end as i feel i have nothing else to live for now. and i need to get this off my chest bad
just dont judge me please
i cheated on my long term serious boyfriend of six years. my high school sweetheart my everything the only person whos ever made me feel truly loved, the only person i really had. i cheated on him two times technically with the same guy for an entire month. why? i truly dont know. the other guy, we never had sex we just talked romantically, i didnt love him, i hardly even really liked him. my boyfriend on the other hand, perfect in every way, had sex all the time, just amazing in every way possible and he loved me to the ends of the earth and i love him even more. first time around when he found out i was cheating, he never left me in the first place he took me back immediately he even forgave me if i could prove i wouldnt do it again. i simply never stopped talking to the other guy. boyfriend found out again, we took a small break, then he kind of forgave me and we got back together. i stopped talking to the other guy for about a week before i talked to him again, just friendly nothing too much, but i knew even then it was still wrong of me. boyfriend found out the same day and blocked me on everything, never talking to me ever again. he was so hurt it devastated me beyond belief. so now i have nothing, why, I DONT FUCKING KNOW. my brain physically just couldnt stop ruining my own goddamn life. we had everything planned were both in college we had our entire future laid out my life wouldve been perfect. but its like my mind couldnt take it i didnt deserve it ig so it fucked it up for me. i have no right to be upset, i did what i did, i hurt him to beyond repair. he tried so hard he forgave everything and he tried. he will never trust me love me care for me ever again. all because of my brains addiction to self sabotage. well im sick of it its gone entirely too far now. i have nothing else i have nobody else, im fucked up. im fundamentally fucked up in so many ways why cant i just control my actions? i didnt even want to cheat at all ive always thought of cheaters as some of the lowest people on this planet but now im doing it? for absolutely no reason at all. everything hurts so much, im completely paralyzed and stuck in my bed atp. i just lost everything for absolutely no reason. so now im heavily considering ending it. i cant let anyone else be hurt by me, i cant let me ruin my own life like this anymore either. nothing makes sense anymore and i feel like i have no more direction in life. i miss you trey i miss you so much if i could go back and redo everything i would in heartbeat. youve given me two chances two chances that i just wasted. i need you, i cant live without you, so im not about to live without you anymore.
thats my story, i hope it made a little bit of sense, im the worst story teller imaginable, its like i forget everything i say the moment i say it or write it down so everything i do often lacks coherency
im thinking either partial hanging or sn, but ive seen sn has become a million times harder to get lately because of certain events. so ill probably opt for hanging. my biggest thing about all of this, is that its impossible for anyone to so much as sympathize with me, im a cheater a blantant cheater im horrible. nothing i say even sounds believable for a second i get that. i think if even one person could somehow sympathize or at the least understand me in some way, just get me, my chances of ctb would drop drastically. but rn i have nothing
if you read all of this thank you so much, i mean it

 

[parallelluniverse]

I read your post. I hope you can see you situation and see that you are human and that you didn't want to hurt Trey. I understand that you regret it and want to punish yourself for something you did.

I just want to share something though, something personal.

Sometimes seeing things about ourselves that we want to change is the beginning. It is possible however, to isolate those things and separate from them. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of emotional sadness from feeling bad about something that you did, it doesn't seem like you're a bad person though. I'd like to say also that sometimes it takes courage to face yourself, it's the beginning and you see that maybe how you want to live isn't conventional. The most important thing is to own it, and you seem to be doing well.

But please don't blame yourself anymore for something that has turned out to be a valuable lesson. Remember learning is how we become who we want to be. I can empathise, you must feel like your own worst enemy rn. X