Venting They dont care..

[Deathiswelcomed]

4th of july i ended up spilling stuff that has happened to me to my older sister who I just reconnected with recently and she told my grandma.. I told my sister about how my cousin who is 6 years older than me how he held me down and forced me to take an edible while his girlfriend and my little sister watched and didn't help me I had to take it or he wouldn't get off me. My grandma who i live with she knows now and hasn't said a word to anyone my sister told her expecting change but all that happened was that she knows now and wont help. If he finds out my cousin that I told on him he might really hurt me.. I really want to die more than ever knowing nothing will ever happen even if I do speak out about anything nothing happens ive lost my appetite im having a hard time with eating food and taking care of myself im in a state of depression and I dont know what to do anymore... im doing my best to stay alive for my boyfriend because I know he'll spiral without me. But I dont know if I can keep this up im looking for fast ways to end my life but I dont know since od and cutting arent the most efficient ive heard so im trying to see if I can find a rope instead or something like that.. if anyone has gone through similar things i feel bad for them but for me. I think I deserve the bad things that happen to me why else would they happen?

 

[tonicer]

I think I deserve the bad things that happen to me why else would they happen?

That didn't happen to you because you deserved it but solely because he is a piece of shit and needs a good beating.

 

[CuriosityKilledTheK]

If you deserve for bad things to happen to you, why don't you deserve for good things too? It's too easy to beat yourself up when you're already down so you need to know when you're being genuinely too hard on yourself, which to me, it sounds like you are. You can lean on your boyfriend too, he is there because he loves you and would move mountains to support you in any way he can.

 

[attheend13]

4th of july i ended up spilling stuff that has happened to me to my older sister who I just reconnected with recently and she told my grandma.. I told my sister about how my cousin who is 6 years older than me how he held me down and forced me to take an edible while his girlfriend and my little sister watched and didn't help me I had to take it or he wouldn't get off me. My grandma who i live with she knows now and hasn't said a word to anyone my sister told her expecting change but all that happened was that she knows now and wont help. If he finds out my cousin that I told on him he might really hurt me.. I really want to die more than ever knowing nothing will ever happen even if I do speak out about anything nothing happens ive lost my appetite im having a hard time with eating food and taking care of myself im in a state of depression and I dont know what to do anymore... im doing my best to stay alive for my boyfriend because I know he'll spiral without me. But I dont know if I can keep this up im looking for fast ways to end my life but I dont know since od and cutting arent the most efficient ive heard so im trying to see if I can find a rope instead or something like that.. if anyone has gone through similar things i feel bad for them but for me. I think I deserve the bad things that happen to me why else would they happen?

Im sorry that you feel this way I wish there weren't so many of us who end up here. You sound so young and it seems you feel alone; that is one of the worst feelings. It's empty and it's endless and it is filled with space and choking you with claustrophobia all at once. Im not young. I'm not anything really. But why I'm responding is that you are in a stage where you're looking for this situation to end, to be released. It's kind of strange but death is just an option on a list.
I know that you spoke up and it didn't get better. They tell us break the silence, there's always options blah blah blah. But then they push us away, roll their eyes and get angry when we're honest. I feel like death is maybe the only thing that seems controllable. But I really hope you at least consider that there are other lives besides the one you have. I've lived many and some was good. Unfortunately that good just draws a line between my life and what's possible and I feel it's distance like it would take a rocket for me to get it. Whatever you choose, if it helps, I heard you and I wish you had gotten the results you deserved because you were brave and you were strong you just got the wrong results.