achingthroat
Member
- Jan 20, 2026
- 19
I watched my mother sew/thread into a fabric with colorful yarn and I wanted to do the same. I asked her if she had any cloth available for me to use and do what she was doing as I was bored and what she was doing had me excited to try. She brought a piece of cloth and cut it to make a pillow. All I had to do was sketch something and then she would teach me how to work it with the thread. I was stuck on what design to sketch, but eventually decided on my cat! I had so many photos of my cat to reference on and well it made me keep re drawing and erasing over and over again, it was making me lose my patience. I decided that it would take form once I just started threading it, so I moved on to do that.
Now the issue is that I have little patience and kept messing up and my mom looked upset and in my head I just wanted to repeatedly stick the needle in my skin aggressively from frustration. This frustration led me to cry because after my mom tried explaining to me, I told her I really couldn't comprehend her words and didn't know how to explain why it was difficult for me and was at loss for words. This triggered feelings of worthlessness in me and how my inability to understand concepts and words really hurt me in school and even friendships. I started thinking back to this chemistry class I took for college and how humiliating it was because I couldn't understand the lab instructions and had my lab partner explain things to me and basically stayed frozen until she set what was next to do. In fear of messing up, I always waited for her approval to follow through. I remember seeing her face of shock when I couldn't plot points to a graph because the numbers we were given confused me and didn't understand exactly what I needed to do and math in general and such.
This made me breakdown in tears followed later by large amounts of snot. I thought to myself in that moment on just how I was going to make it through life, through college if I'm so stupid!! I'm already stressed over starting college this fall again and financial issues and such that it brought it all back. Is it really worth investing in someone like me? It makes me want to die because I'd rather not feel like this forever this cycle of misery, glimpse of hope then getting it crushed and then trying to recover and then finding that glimpse of hope again then just to get it crushed again..
I also thought to myself in that moment why I was practically giving myself so many excuses to keep going when I know deep down it's only doing me more harm.
I'm such a pathetic stupid daughter. I'm so sorry ma that you had to be sliced open and suffer issues later on all just for the waste of human that is me. It makes me so terribly guilty and sad because I think I was wanted. I've made my mom stress over me so much because of how unstable I can get.
I haven't attempted this year or the year before, but I did want to and wish I had. My first attempt was in 2022 and I tried again in 2023 and 2024. Because of this history of attempts and self harm at 14 my mom for most of my teenage years has been overly strict over me and wouldn't allow me to be home alone unless a sibling of mine stayed with me. My dad tells me that if I were to die that my mother would suffer tremendously and wouldn't be the same.
I unfortunately think he may be right. Last year I was walking around campus with my classmate and chatting up and during those hours my mother usually comes to pick me up and because I was busy, I didn't think to check my phone for any messages from my mother. Until, I had a feeling and pulled out my phone and saw multiple missed calls from her and messages asking where I was and to hurry up. I excused myself to my classmate and jogged to find where she was parked and saw her outside the car standing with her hand over her eyes. She was crying and I was confused to why, then she explained how if anymore time had passed and had I not come down that she was going to call the cops to declare me missing. She then explained how she was scared that I had runaway again referring to how I did in high school to go jump off a bridge and drugged myself. I felt somewhat embarrassed because I don't know how to feel about my mom crying and just said I wouldn't do such a thing and her mind took her somewhere else.
Everyone I feel so stuck.
Now the issue is that I have little patience and kept messing up and my mom looked upset and in my head I just wanted to repeatedly stick the needle in my skin aggressively from frustration. This frustration led me to cry because after my mom tried explaining to me, I told her I really couldn't comprehend her words and didn't know how to explain why it was difficult for me and was at loss for words. This triggered feelings of worthlessness in me and how my inability to understand concepts and words really hurt me in school and even friendships. I started thinking back to this chemistry class I took for college and how humiliating it was because I couldn't understand the lab instructions and had my lab partner explain things to me and basically stayed frozen until she set what was next to do. In fear of messing up, I always waited for her approval to follow through. I remember seeing her face of shock when I couldn't plot points to a graph because the numbers we were given confused me and didn't understand exactly what I needed to do and math in general and such.
This made me breakdown in tears followed later by large amounts of snot. I thought to myself in that moment on just how I was going to make it through life, through college if I'm so stupid!! I'm already stressed over starting college this fall again and financial issues and such that it brought it all back. Is it really worth investing in someone like me? It makes me want to die because I'd rather not feel like this forever this cycle of misery, glimpse of hope then getting it crushed and then trying to recover and then finding that glimpse of hope again then just to get it crushed again..
I also thought to myself in that moment why I was practically giving myself so many excuses to keep going when I know deep down it's only doing me more harm.
I'm such a pathetic stupid daughter. I'm so sorry ma that you had to be sliced open and suffer issues later on all just for the waste of human that is me. It makes me so terribly guilty and sad because I think I was wanted. I've made my mom stress over me so much because of how unstable I can get.
I haven't attempted this year or the year before, but I did want to and wish I had. My first attempt was in 2022 and I tried again in 2023 and 2024. Because of this history of attempts and self harm at 14 my mom for most of my teenage years has been overly strict over me and wouldn't allow me to be home alone unless a sibling of mine stayed with me. My dad tells me that if I were to die that my mother would suffer tremendously and wouldn't be the same.
I unfortunately think he may be right. Last year I was walking around campus with my classmate and chatting up and during those hours my mother usually comes to pick me up and because I was busy, I didn't think to check my phone for any messages from my mother. Until, I had a feeling and pulled out my phone and saw multiple missed calls from her and messages asking where I was and to hurry up. I excused myself to my classmate and jogged to find where she was parked and saw her outside the car standing with her hand over her eyes. She was crying and I was confused to why, then she explained how if anymore time had passed and had I not come down that she was going to call the cops to declare me missing. She then explained how she was scared that I had runaway again referring to how I did in high school to go jump off a bridge and drugged myself. I felt somewhat embarrassed because I don't know how to feel about my mom crying and just said I wouldn't do such a thing and her mind took her somewhere else.
Everyone I feel so stuck.
