Venting not doing anything about it

[lysolwipes]

My parents and I had a conversation about university. They were asking me if I've heard any news from the institutions, student loans, finances, scholarships, etc. They don't realize that I am deceiving them about applying and my academics. I am just smiling and nodding a long, so they don't berate me any further. I feel like a failure and a disappointment because university and the importance of education has been emphasized my entire life. Academic validation and achieving high grades was a main source of validation, and a foundation for my self worth. My grandparents keep asking too, and it would shatter their hearts if they knew my true situation. Nobody cares about what I do or feel, just a report full of numbers that somehow represent my worth, or what school I'm supposed to be affiliated with. I genuinely feel like a stain and an imposter in my family.

I did not apply because I am lazy. I feel apathetic towards everything that I am being pressured to do. Passion, motivation, and drive, are all things that I lack, which makes it incredibly hard to pursue higher education! Everybody around me is pushing on with their lives and I feel like I am cursed to stagnancy. I am watching all my peers follow a path of success, yet I am not doing a single thing to help myself. I would love to be successful, find a career, and move out, however, I feel so pessimistic towards society. I cannot bear the reality of exiting school, having to spend the majority of life working towards finally "deserving" to relax. Being alive feels so suffocating, knowing that I am forced to feed a slave machine, or be considered a failure. It's also as if there are invisible chains strapping me to this motionless state, yet I don't enjoy feeling like I am procrastinating life. I feel so nihilistic towards my future, so I hope there won't be one.

 

[Freebandzgang]

Holy shit i feel the exact same, All through high school I was pressured to do well in school by everyone. I just acted like i was doing well and everything was fine just to make them happy but Now I have no future in sight. If anyone in my family sees what has happened they would be so disappointed in me. Im in so much pain and struggling so much every day now, i dont know how much longer I can take it. I understand you so much.

 

[lysolwipes]

Holy shit i feel the exact same, All through high school I was pressured to do well in school by everyone. I just acted like i was doing well and everything was fine just to make them happy but Now I have no future in sight. If anyone in my family sees what has happened they would be so disappointed in me. Im in so much pain and struggling so much every day now, i dont know how much longer I can take it. I understand you so much.

It's bittersweet to know that I'm not totally alone in my situation. My parents seem so happy and upbeat when talking about the prospects of university and what they envision my future to be. The struggle of knowing that I'm alive and wasting their resources is really suffocating too. I feel like I'm at the point where I can't face it and the only solution is to ctb soon.

 

[citrusrope]

I did not apply because I am lazy. I feel apathetic towards everything that I am being pressured to do. Passion, motivation, and drive, are all things that I lack, which makes it incredibly hard to pursue higher education! Everybody around me is pushing on with their lives and I feel like I am cursed to stagnancy. I am watching all my peers follow a path of success, yet I am not doing a single thing to help myself. I would love to be successful, find a career, and move out, however, I feel so pessimistic towards society. I cannot bear the reality of exiting school, having to spend the majority of life working towards finally "deserving" to relax. Being alive feels so suffocating, knowing that I am forced to feed a slave machine, or be considered a failure. It's also as if there are invisible chains strapping me to this motionless state, yet I don't enjoy feeling like I am procrastinating life. I feel so nihilistic towards my future, so I hope there won't be one.

Oh wow, this feels like I could have written it word for word. Wow. Wow... Sorry, but this is probably the closest anyone else has said to what it is that I've been feeling for a long time...