Venting No way out.

[anhedonya]

I can't sleep a normal 8 hour schedule anymore. I keep trying so that I'm not so tired during the day, but at night, all I can do is sit here and think about my plan. I feel that I am doomed no matter what.

When things go decently, I immediately suspect that they're going to get worse again sometime soon. And I'm always right, as life cannot be perfect 24/7. When things go badly, I am immediately vindicated and even more affirmed in my thoughts.

I have many options open to me. I live somewhere where guns are accessible. I'm not a fan of the cleanup though, there's just something about the idea of someone having to see that afterwards that completely stops me. I'm very set on drowning. I know it's an extremely painful way to go, but I can't swim and wouldn't be able to save myself even if I regretted it through SI. I fear long term suffering a lot more than I do short term pain.

I wish it was easier. I wish I didn't have to stay up all night wondering how I'm going to do it and what kind of funds I'm going to need. I wish you could just send a form explaining why you want to CTB or something.

 

[Iris Blue]

I feel like that also, almost like when I'm not looking into how I'm going to ctb it's like I'm slacking at a job I'm supposed to be doing and it makes me feel helpless and useless.

Have you by chance tried melatonin or indica troches to maybe help with sleep?

 

[TotallyTerrible]

I agree. It's a whirlwind of options and the pressure to choose the "right" thing and then not fuck it up somehow...

 

[anhedonya]

I feel like that also, almost like when I'm not looking into how I'm going to ctb it's like I'm slacking at a job I'm supposed to be doing and it makes me feel helpless and useless.

Have you by chance tried melatonin or indica troches to maybe help with sleep?

You said it really well. It's like I clock out of my actual job and clock into planning. I don't think you're useless though, you have impact. You spoke with me like an equal and that made me feel less alone. Already you impact my life positively.

I've tried melatonin, yes, but I end up using them like they're chips more than anything lol. I haven't tried indica torches though, I'm going to look into that.

Thank you.

I agree. It's a whirlwind of options and the pressure to choose the "right" thing and then not fuck it up somehow...

Messing up is definitely a huge fear. I think the only thing worse than what my life is like now would be to lose the precious autonomy and freedom that I currently have. Sometimes I feel like an event manager with how detailed I've gotten.

 

[Iris Blue]

You said it really well. It's like I clock out of my actual job and clock into planning. I don't think you're useless though, you have impact. You spoke with me like an equal and that made me feel less alone. Already you impact my life positively.

I've tried melatonin, yes, but I end up using them like they're chips more than anything lol. I haven't tried indica torches though, I'm going to look into that.

Thank you.

Of course! I know it depends on location where marijuana is legal or not or what kind of things you are interested in. But for me at least the kind you use with like a pen knocks me out super fast. But since you say you haven't used troches before I think that would be a good start if your tolerance is low. Also if it isn't legal or you can't get a MMJ license they sell gummies in stores that you don't need a license for that also are good too I would just make sure to ask them the types since you will most likely get high along with them helping you fall asleep. Wishing you the very best!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish it's easier to cease existing on our own terms as well, to me it really would be a relief to just be able to have the option die in a peaceful straightforward way with no complications or risks. But anyway best wishes, I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this dreadful existence.

 

[nozomu]

I can't sleep a normal 8 hour schedule anymore. I keep trying so that I'm not so tired during the day, but at night, all I can do is sit here and think about my plan. I feel that I am doomed no matter what.

I previously had such bad insomnia that it made my suicidality worse. I tried CBT-I (cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia) and it helped tremendously. I hate CBT for my mental illnesses but it works really well for specific behavioral issues like sleep.

It at least gives me peace every night that I can not experience the world for a while and sleep. I highly recommend it, even if you have a planned departure. You are worth the effort to give yourself as much peace as possible in the time you are around. Feel free to dm if you have any questions about CBT-I