Impending doom

[willitpass]

In the medical field there is something called impending doom. It is when a patient suddenly feels like they are going to die, regardless of if their vitals are stable or not. Not long after they say it, they code. Sometimes, after a day of severe self harm, I get impending doom. My body feels weak, my chest feels weird, I feel like I genuinely will die soon. Today is one of those days. Obviously my impending doom has never been correct, but I pray one day my mind will be right and I will simply give up. Todays self harm consisted of 6000mg of Tylenol throughout the day, 1950mg of aspirin total, 800 of ibuprofen, a max dose of a laxative, and 10x the dose of my heart medicine. I feel beyond awful right now. My head feels full of cotton, I feel like I'm going to pass out, I'm having palpitations, I feel like my blood pressure is low but I just checked and it's alright. I'm so so nauseous and wouldn't be surprised if I throw up at some point tonight. I'm shaking. I feel like I'm going to die. Unfortunately with my track record I'll sleep it off tonight and wake up fine in the morning. I can only hope one of these days my body can't take it anymore.

Before anyone tries to tell me this is not a reliable way to CTB, I'm very much aware. This isn't a CTB attempt, this is self harm.
I'm now hearing my pulse in my ears. I've never had this happen before. Maybe tonight will be my lucky night. I doubt it though.

 

[willitpass]

Now my vision is acting weird. The ringing in my ears is getting louder. Something feels off.

 

[life360d_on_me]

Now my vision is acting weird. The ringing in my ears is getting louder. Something feels off.

How're you feeling now? You Ok?

 

[DeadManLiving]

Are you in the medical profession, if so then you are at the highest risk bracket for suicide. Ideally you would have access to the lethal means.

But based on the symptoms you describe its uncertain and unlikely you will die. They could have various etiologied from the panic to other non-psychiatric underlying disorders. If you are in the medical field I obviously would be remiss to report it because then that would put your certifications in jeopardy and that is precisely why the medical field has such a high rate of suicide, and due to the stigma and restrictions associated with reporting mental Health overloads.

 

[willitpass]

Are you in the medical profession, if so then you are at the highest risk bracket for suicide. Ideally you would have access to the lethal means.

But based on the symptoms you describe its uncertain and unlikely you will die. They could have various etiologied from the panic to other non-psychiatric underlying disorders. If you are in the medical field I obviously would be remiss to report it because then that would put your certifications in jeopardy and that is precisely why the medical field has such a high rate of suicide, and due to the stigma and restrictions associated with reporting mental Health overloads.

I'm aware those symptoms themselves are not indicative of death. I do have failing health, largely due to my years of severe self harm. At this point I've been taking 6000-8000mg of Tylenol a day along with multiple NSAIDS as a form of self harm. I have an eating disorder. I have heart problems, respiratory problems. I have been hospitalized for my physical health and know that some of my baseline bloodwork is poor, including my potassium which I know is likely contributing to some of my symptoms. I also have a long history of depression and anxiety than I spent lots of time in the hospital for. I ran out of treatment options years ago and have since been doing what I can to survive until I die or ctb. While I do work in the medical field, the facility I work for you would never be able to make it out the door with anything without getting caught, and then you would probably lose your job and potentially your license. Things are far too regulated there. So we make do with what we can until I can overcome my SI and most likely hang myself. If I'm lucky my body will fail me before then.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I'm aware those symptoms themselves are not indicative of death. I do have failing health, largely due to my years of severe self harm. At this point I've been taking 6000-8000mg of Tylenol a day along with multiple NSAIDS as a form of self harm. I have an eating disorder. I have heart problems, respiratory problems. I have been hospitalized for my physical health and know that some of my baseline bloodwork is poor, including my potassium which I know is likely contributing to some of my symptoms. I also have a long history of depression and anxiety than I spent lots of time in the hospital for. I ran out of treatment options years ago and have since been doing what I can to survive until I die or ctb. While I do work in the medical field, the facility I work for you would never be able to make it out the door with anything without getting caught, and then you would probably lose your job and potentially your license. Things are far too regulated there. So we make do with what we can until I can overcome my SI and most likely hang myself. If I'm lucky my body will fail me before then.

Could you get a DNR?

 

[willitpass]

Could you get a DNR?

I've been meaning to get around to making one. I've been doing my best to keep my microoverdoses as reasonable as possible so that if I ever find myself unexpectedly at the hospital and they question why I have so much in my system I can say I've been trying to stay on top of chronic pain and the regular doses just haven't been cutting it. I am worried that since I work in the medical field they'll call bullshit on that but hopefully I won't ever end up in that situation. The chronic pain isn't a lie though, my entire body hurts every single day. Anyway, I do need to get around to filing for a DNR.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Could you get a DNR?

I've seen you suggest this before, however, do they honor this in the case of a suicide attempt?
Everything I've seen has led me to believe that they do not.

 

[willitpass]

I've seen you suggest this before, however, do they honor this in the case of a suicide attempt?
Everything I've seen has led me to believe that they do not.

If they know it's a suicide attempt, at least in the US, a DNR is null and void. If they do not suspect a suicide attempt then it is illegal for them to go against a DNR. Also if you end up in an ambulance or a hospital without access to your records and you don't have your DNR posted somewhere, if they don't know you have one they can't follow it.

With my health history combined with my mental health history, it's hard for me to know if they would suspect suicide attempt. That is why I'm trying to keep my dosing low enough that if I ended up in the hospital I could say it was genuine accidental overdose from chronic pain as opposed to intentional overdosing as a form of self harm.

 

[Eudaimonic]

If they know it's a suicide attempt, at least in the US, a DNR is null and void. If they do not suspect a suicide attempt then it is illegal for them to go against a DNR. Also if you end up in an ambulance or a hospital without access to your records and you don't have your DNR posted somewhere, if they don't know you have one they can't follow it.

With my health history combined with my mental health history, it's hard for me to know if they would suspect suicide attempt. That is why I'm trying to keep my dosing low enough that if I ended up in the hospital I could say it was genuine accidental overdose from chronic pain as opposed to intentional overdosing as a form of self harm.

Thanks for the response.
That makes sense.